Space Between Us
by missmarlee
Summary: After her disastrous 18th birthday party, Edward left Bella behind, thinking she would be safer without vampires in her life. What will happen when he finds that someone has been harming Bella since he left? And when he returns, what will be left of the woman he loves? *Set during New Moon/canon couples*
1. Reunion

Chapter 1 – Reunion

 **EPOV**

"How long has it been, Edward?"Alice's foot tapped impatiently against the cold linoleum floors of my apartment.

"Since?" I asked quietly, though I knew full well what she was asking. It was hard to miss. The deep, dark circles of mahogany and purple that lined the contours of my face were in sharp contrast to my coal black eyes – and both were indicators of starvation in vampires. We couldn't die of starvation, of course, but we were considerably weakened by it. It dulled our most important senses until they were just whispers of what they used to be. But I didn't have the energy for this exchange, and so I avoided the question.

"I saw that things were bad when I looked for your future, but somehow I missed how bad things really were…" Alice remarked sadly as she walked around my apartment, surveying its contents. I had nothing to my name these days, save for this apartment and the clothes I was wearing. I preferred it this way. I knew most material possessions weren't necessities for our kind, anyway. In Forks we'd had a rich and lavish lifestyle, mostly because we could and because it served as a distraction for humans and allowed us to keep up our charade.

There was no charade for me to upkeep now.

"If you don't feed, Edward, you know what happens," Alice urged and I could sense the resolve in her words. _I should have fought harder to make him stay…_ she mentally chided herself, figuring that somehow, all of this was her fault.

"You're not supposed to see everything all the time Alice. And even if you do see everything, it doesn't mean you can fix it all." My words were dark and harsh, exactly as I'd intended them to be. I wanted her to leave. Her presence was a painful reminder of what had been lost – of everything that was broken beyond repair.

"You're not going to get rid of me that easily, brother. Have you forgotten that we've been together for decades? I know how your mind works, probably as well as you know my own." She spoke quickly as she bounded across the room toward the wide open window. Her fingers moved to the photograph that had been affixed to the wall. The edges were worn and the colour had begun to fade, but it was still as striking as ever.

Alice's fingers ghosted over the face in the picture "…Bella" she whispered breathlessly, her voice filled with pain and longing.

"I miss her too you know, Edward." She pulled her hand away from the photograph quickly, as though it burned her fingers and she turned her body to face me. I nodded in recognition. I knew my family felt Bella's absence. I knew they longed for her and mourned the loss of her in our lives. Which is why I had to leave. The day we left Forks we began our journey toward Alaska, where we stayed with the Denali coven for three weeks. Those three weeks had been torturous. My family thought constantly of Bella, and of me. They grieved the loss of her more intensely than I'd anticipated and Alice was constantly pushing for me to reconsider my position. I refused to allow my family to interfere with Bella's life at all, which included Alice and her gift. I had forbade her from searching for Bella's future. It proved to be a challenging task for Alice, especially with me around as a constant reminder of what we were all avoiding. And so I left.

It was better this way.

"I'm here for a reason, Edward." Alice's words were sharp and intense, but the urgency in her voice didn't change that I didn't care what the reason for her visit was. I angled my body away from her and leaned against the windowsill allowing the warm air from the open window to wash over me. Alice stepped towards me and firmly wrapped her tiny hand around my wrist, tugging me to face her.

"Has the starvation affected your ability to read thoughts?" she questioned, gripping my wrist even tighter. I pulled my body away from hers and faced toward the window once more.

"Yes."

"But you can still read them, if you focus enough." It wasn't a question "You've been doing it since I walked through the door." Her words were desperate. I nodded my acknowledgement.

"Then read my thoughts, Edward," she urged, her voice straining against the desperation. My body stiffened in response to her pleas.

"No. It's better this way. I've chosen the haze over clarity. It's easier." I felt like a coward explaining my reasoning for starving myself for 6 months. But it didn't matter. She needed to know that I had chosen this, that she didn't need to save me from myself. This was what I had resigned myself too. The unending burn in my throat was a most welcome form of pain if it distracted me from the pain of living without Bella. I could handle the physical anguish.

"You abandoned your family, moved 6,000 miles away, holed yourself up in this _dump,"_ Alice spat, her eyes narrowing as she pushed her body in front of mine so our eyes were inches apart "and it's all for nothing." She had my attention now. What did she mean, all for nothing? I tried searching her thoughts but they were too frantic and I was too weak to decipher them.

"So I have your interest now?" she asked, her eyes dark and full of disdain. She twirled away from me and perched her body against the wall opposite me.

"Focus Edward. Read. My. Thoughts." She roared the words angrily, and her emotional intensity plucked at my curiosity once more. I tried to focus in on her thoughts, but my sudden need coupled with her anger was making it difficult to clearly read what she was thinking.

"I can't see, Alice" I snarled, turning my body fully now so as to face her completely. I searched her face for any hint of what she might be trying to tell me.

"You left – you moved 6,000 miles away to Rio, of all places, thinking that you'd save Bella if you did." Every muscle in my body coiled at her words. I stopped breathing, and focused my thoughts trying to read what Alice was withholding from me.

"Say it," I thundered. "Tell me why you're here!" My voice was violent and animalistic. Something was wrong with Bella and it was resurrecting the monster within me like nothing else could. Alice tensed her body and stared into my eyes.

"I can't explain it properly. It's disjointed and it comes in bits and pieces. It's all so hazy. I can't tell you exactly what I'm seeing, it won't be a complete picture and it won't make any sense."

"Try," I growled through clenched teeth. She stiffened at my response.

"I don't know much," she sighed, holding her index fingers to both temples and rubbing them in slow, purposeful circles, her brow furrowed and her eyes filled with a painfully deep sadness "but I know that _Bella is going to die_."

* * *

 **A/N:** Hiya folks! For some of you this is probably not the first time you've read this chapter – I'm reposting the original version of this story as it's changed, morphed, evolved, whatever you want to call it!

This story is centered around Edward and Bella, and I've tried to keep it as true to their canon characters as possible, but please note that the storyline will break away from Twilight canon (very slightly, nothing terribly noticeable) from time to time. Trying to stay entirely true to this story was one of the reasons I was stuck in serious writer's block the last time I worked on this story. I was too heavily focused on making sure the storyline and plotlines were canon that it led me astray and I lost inspiration.

But it's back! Most of this story is complete, and I will post chapters 1-6 fairly quickly (probably 2-3 chapters a day) and after chapter 6 I'll post one to two chapters a week until it's finished.

Thanks for those of you that are returning to this for sticking it out with me. For those that are new to the story, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts – so please leave a review!

-Missmarlee


	2. Hold On

Chapter 2 – Hold On

 **EPOV**

"Is the silence between us really necessary, Edward?" Carlisle spoke gently though I knew he was desperate to hear from me. I remained silent and searched through my thoughts to better understand what was happening – how I'd ended up here, in this car with Carlisle next to me and the rest of my family piled into the cars behind us, on our way back to Forks. I always knew that if I ever returned to Forks it would be a painful and sorrowful time. I thought often of what my return would look like. I imagined returning many years later after Bella had lived a long and full life and had passed peacefully surrounded by a loving partner and beautiful children. I never imagined I would be returning less than a year later under the threat of Bella dying.

"What is there to say?" I questioned. Carlisle sighed, defeated. The moment Alice had explained the reason for her visit we'd left Rio and caught the next plane. I'd intended on flying straight to Washington State, but Alice discouraged me. She said that if we were truly going to help Bella we'd need the entire family. The haziness in her thoughts was frustrating. Where I would have once been able to pull apart each of her thoughts, and understand everything she'd witnessed in her visions, I was now left with a hazy, incomplete picture. And as if to protest and force me to concede with her plan, she was purposely jumbling her thoughts, adding to the haziness. Once I'd agreed to meet my family in New Hampshire her thoughts cleared enough to allow me into them. It was exactly as scrambled as she'd explained and it was difficult to see anything useful. There were many images of people connected to Bella, but none of Bella herself.

One image, however, haunted me above the rest. The true reason for Alice's visit. A vision of Charlie's bloodied fingers pressed against the glass window of a hospital door, his body succumbing to the most sorrowful sobs imaginable. Another image of Charlie holding Renee as they both stood over a six foot hole in the earth with a tombstone in front of it, Bella's name carved into it. A brilliant, ivory coloured casket being lowered into the earth… blood-curdling sobs emanating from a broken Renee as she attended her daughter's funeral.

The images were unbearably agonizing.

"Edward!" Carlisle's voice jolted me from my thoughts and I realized my hands had been clutching the seat of my Volvo and had torn through the leather.

"Can you go any faster?" I ground out through clenched teeth.

"Actually, I can't. Any faster and we'll surpass what the car is capable of handling. You mustn't worry, Edward. Alice assured us that she doesn't see that vision coming to light now that we're headed back to Forks. It appears that your presence in Forks nulls the potential of that ever happening. The moment you made the decision to go the vision disappeared from her thoughts," he reminded me, his eyes fixed on my face. I turned away from him, overcome with shame.

"It's important that you feed as soon as we arrive." His voice was stern and serious. He was concerned.

"No." There was no way I was doing anything other than heading to Bella's home and making sure she was OK.

"Emmett and I will go straight to Bella's home to make sure everything is OK. But you must stick to the plan. You won't be of any use to her if your thirst is beyond your control…" His words were soft now and gentle, but I knew he was concerned that my starvation and the ensuing bloodlust could lead to me losing control.

"I won't hurt her," I explained, complete sureness in my voice. There was no way I'd risk hurting Bella. I'd gone months without feeding and an unintended by-product of my starvation was unparalled control of my thirst. I had developed an incredible amount of discipline in my time away.

"I believe you," Carlisle assured me, "but its better that we err on the side of caution than put anyone at risk."

"I haven't fed in months, Carlisle. I flew here on an airplane filled with humans and they all survived. I may not be able to control my ability to read minds at the moment, but I _can_ control my thirst. These past six months are evidence of that." Carlisle stiffened noticeably at my words and his eyes looked tired and worried.

He sighed, "I didn't realize it had been that long. In any case, we'd benefit greatly from having your ability at full capacity and I don't suspect that will happen until you've drained at least a few mountain lions." A small smile played on his lips as he spoke the words. I stiffened as the burning thirst become the foremost thought in my mind. It had been so long that the pain had become comfortable and familiar.

"Fine. I won't be long. You and Emmett head straight there. I'll join you as soon as I'm done."

"Very well." I could sense disappointment in his voice. After spending just two days with my family I was beginning to notice the absence of my gift. The months I'd spent alone had deemphasized the importance I'd placed on hearing people's thoughts as a means to understand their intentions. Without it I found it difficult to comprehend what was happening around me.

 _Why does he sound disappointed?_ I mused to myself. I figured it was because he was hoping I'd spend more time feeding to regain more strength. But there was no way I could spend that much time away from her. I needed to see her. I needed to hear her heartbeat, the inhale and exhale and of her lungs - to be wrapped in her overwhelming and intoxicating scent. It was the only way I would truly believe she was fine.

As much as I anticipated seeing her again, I was also conflicted. I had left in an effort to protect Bella. And here I was returning to Forks, to keep her safe. I imagined my return would be difficult for her, and I didn't want to unnecessarily cause her pain, especially because I didn't know how long we'd be staying. We still didn't understand the reason for the haziness in Alice's mind surrounding Bella and I didn't need to read her mind to know that she felt very uneasy with the fogginess. Alice was used to knowing, to seeing.

"You know she wasn't looking for her, don't you?" Carlisle asked in time with my thoughts. I sometimes wondered if Carlisle couldn't read my thoughts. We seemed to be so intrinsically connected that it was as though he knew me better than he should. I suppose almost a century of existing together made for a particularly strong bond, made all the more strong by Carlisle's intuition.

"Then how?" I asked. How was it possible that Alice saw Bella if she wasn't looking for her?

"She says it just came. It was overwhelming and powerful and it overtook her before she could even stop it. Alice describes it as the flood gates lifting." I nodded and pondered the thought. There were many things that didn't add up in regards to Alice's visions of Bella, but it was clear we wouldn't get any answers without searching for them.

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket, interrupting my musings.

"Alice…" I breathed, desperate to hear her voice and her assurances that everything was fine. I was waiting with bated breath for Alice to stumble across of vision of something happening to Bella.

"Bella's fine, Edward." I sighed in relief, pressing the phone to my ear as though it were a lifeline.

"I mean, I still can't see her, but the visions of Charlie and Renee are still gone."

"Thank you," I said gently. I was grateful that Alice had seen Bella, grateful that she came to find me and that she loved Bella almost as much as I did.

"Don't," Alice said, her voice soft. "We're almost there. Pull over now and Emmett will join Carlisle. The rest of us will hunt and then you can meet them at Charlie's."

Carlisle heard our conversation and pulled the Volvo to the shoulder of a road which was lined with thick forest and breathtaking greenery. This was Forks just as I'd remembered it – and this was where I'd find my Bella again.

I stepped out of the car and surveyed my family as they stood facing me. Everyone was silent and anxious. We were all worried about Bella and the uncertainty of returning to Forks and all that it meant for Bella's future, or lack thereof.

Jasper was the first to cut through the silence, his voice serious and commanding. "Are you ready?" he asked, stepping forward and placing a hand on my shoulder. I nodded. I felt a wave of calm flow through me, and I didn't try to fight it. Even if I had, I was sure my starvation had weakened me to the point of being powerless to resist.

"Then let's do this. Eat up, Eddie. You look like you're going to get blown away with the wind, man. We'll see you soon," Emmett's voice boomed as he and Carlisle tucked themselves away into the Volvo. I turned toward the trees lining the road as Jasper, Alice, Esme and Rosalie joined me. I moved toward a clearing in the trees but every cell in my body violently protested against me going any further. I stopped dead in my tracks with my family mirroring my movements, taking their cues from me. How could I do this, when Bella was so close and possibly in danger?

"She's safe, Edward. They'll call us if she's not, but I know she is," Alice assured me as she fluttered to my side.

"You can't even see her!" I spat, rage coursing through me. A consequence of starvation appeared to be the inability to control my reactions. If I was being truthful, it wasn't Alice I was angry with. It was myself. I'd left Bella thinking it would be the safest option for her. And here I was, back in Forks faced with the possibility of Bella dying what appeared to be a violent death and with very little knowledge of what, or who, was putting her life in danger.

"For once, Edward, you need to put your needs aside and prioritize Bella's instead." Esme spoke now, her words cutting deeply. Esme had barely said a single word to me since I had returned, and I knew without even needing to read her thoughts that she was angry with me for leaving. And she was angry with me for taking Bella away from her. As painful as her words were, I couldn't argue with the truth in them.

Without further objection, I crouched down, and pushed my body off of the floor of the forest, launching myself into its depths.

 **BPOV**

The bed below me felt too soft and my body sinking into it was an unwelcome feeling. Most nights I preferred to sleep on the floor. It was hard and cool and the closest I could get to having Edward near me again.

But tonight I was too tired to move. My body was too sore and my head was throbbing, and those two realities made it unlikely that I'd be moving any time soon. I inhaled deeply and pushed the hair from my eyes before turning over to face the window. My body tensed, as reminders of his presence crawled back into my consciousness.

That window had once been a source of deep joy for me. I'd spent many nights in this very position, poised and waiting for the window to rise and for Edward to push his way through and crawl into my bed, wrapping his arms around my middle, pulling me into the safety of his embrace. But after he left the window remained unopened for many months, until recently.

Things came full circle, so here I was again, watching this same window, waiting for a body to slide through it. Only this time I knew it wouldn't be Edward that climbed through my window.

My heart sank at the realization.

I sighed as I turned in my bed, my bones aching in protest.

He'd told me tonight was the night. He was coming back. He wasn't finished with me yet, he'd said.

My eyes were growing heavy as I waited. I didn't know when he'd arrive but I'd figured if I was awake and waiting it would less of a shock to my system when it happened. It was less terrifying this way. But my body was betraying me tonight, and sleep was something I so desperately needed that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fight it any longer.

A soft knock at my door made me jump.

"Bells?" Charlie's voice came through the door. He sounded more exhausted than usual. I wondered why he wasn't asleep already.

"Yes," I answered quietly, turning over in my bed to face the door. I needed to get rid of him as quickly as possible. The door opened, revealing a pajama clad Charlie. Dark bags outlined his eyes and his hair was in disarray. He had just woken up, it appeared.

"I just came out to get a glass of water, but I wanted to check in on you. You doing ok, kid?" He asked, his sad eyes searching for mine in the darkness of my bedroom. I tried to perk up, to appear less pathetic so as to keep Charlie from worrying.

"I'm fine, Dad." I even managed to sound a bit cheerful. I mentally applauded myself for the effort and success.

"Ok kid. I just thought I'd remind you that you have a doctor's appointment tomorrow after school with Dr. Carmen."

"Sure, I remember. But… I don't think I really need to go anymore… I'm doing a lot better." I struggled to sit up in my bed, my bones aching and throbbing as I did. I attempted to keep as straight a face as possible, not wanting Charlie to see that I was in pain.

"Bells, I think you should keep going. It's only been a month since you… well, you know?"

"Came back to reality?" I said, cringing inwardly at the suggestion. As far as Charlie knew, the days of catatonic Bella were gone. In this moment, I was thankful he was oblivious to the realities sitting just underneath his nose.

"Yeah, sure." He smiled. "I really think you should keep at it," he suggested. I noticed his hand slip into the pocket of his pajama bottoms as the other roughly scratched at his beard. I smiled and nodded.

"I'll think about it…" I offered, acutely aware of the time as I tried to end the conversation quickly.

"Do that, and let me know. I trust your judgment, Bells." He smiled again and turned around, pulling the door closed behind him. I sighed in a mixture of relief and fear.

Charlie was gone now, but I knew I wouldn't be alone for long. I shifted back down in my bed, my head pressing into the soft pillow beneath me. I listened to the ticking of the clock on my wall and tried to force my eyes open to focus on the hands moving around, counting the seconds. But it didn't last. Time passed and I watched the clock move with it: 10:46pm, 10:50pm, 11:01pm and then my eyes finally closed and I fell into a restless sleep.

A loud bang jolted me from my sleep. Fear coursed through me and my body tensed. I closed my eyes, clenched my fists and inhaled deeply, trying to calm down enough to stay composed. He hated it when I cried.

The banging became louder and I opened my eyes to figure out what was happening. He _never_ came in through the door. I panicked, figuring the change in routine couldn't be a good thing. I looked around and noticed the bright, white light filtering into the room through my window.

Daylight. It was daylight. _How long have I been asleep?_ I wondered. 

"Bells!" the banging grew louder as I realized the sound was coming from my door. It was Charlie. He was knocking. I jumped up from my bed, regretting the decision when I felt a sharp pain radiating around my rib cage. I folded over at the sensation.

"Coming!"

I moved slowly, still disoriented both from the pain and the shock of waking up to Charlie's voice instead of _his_.

 _Had he come last night? Had I slept through it?_ I shuddered at the thought but pushed it aside, knowing there was no way I'd be able to sleep through… him.

I opened the door and smiled when I saw Charlie standing in front of me. He looked me up and down and laughed, his eyes resting on my hair. My hands shot up, fingering the knotted strands of hair sticking out in all directions. I understood why he was laughing, I was sure I looked as wild and unkempt as I felt.

I smiled at Charlie's laughter, my first genuine smile in a long time. I'd almost forgotten what that felt like. It was pleasant.

"You better hurry and get dressed otherwise you'll be late for school. I have to get going, but I wanted to make sure you were awake before I left. You err…. You slept soundly last night, huh?" he said stumbling over the words. I knew what he meant. Last night was the first time in months that I'd slept through the entire night without waking up from my nightmares screaming. Of course, Charlie didn't realize that my nightmares weren't just about Edward's absence anymore.

"Yeah, it feels good," I offered, trying to looking optimistic, though optimism was the last thing I was feeling.

 _Why didn't he come last night?_ I wondered again, dread coursing through me.

Charlie smiled brightly at me and turned on his heel, walking down the stairs and out into his cruiser.

I rushed around the room, searching for something to wear that would be concealing enough. Most of my clothes were long sleeved, but after last time he'd come through my window I'd needed turtlenecks to cover the marks properly.

I stopped for a moment, memories of that night washing over me. I clenched my fists before bringing my hands up to my neck, wrapping around it just as he had, my fingers gliding over the purplish bruises he left behind. I choked back a sob and inhaled, trying to compose myself.

My head started spinning, and my knees were shaking. Suddenly, it was as though he was here again, his hands wrapping around my neck, pushing me roughly into the floor as his knee pushed between my legs, forcing them apart.

" _Shut up" he whispered hoarsely, his hands pressing harder and harder into my neck. I couldn't breathe anymore. I pushed against him as hard as I could fighting against the weight of his body on top of mine._

The shrill sound of the phone ringing downstairs pulled my mind from the memory and back into reality. I rushed downstairs and lifted the phone from the receiver.

"Hello," I murmured, sleep still thick in my voice. I assumed it was Charlie on the other line.

"Hello," he said. My body tensed and then started shaking. "Did you think you could slip that past me, sweetheart?" His voice was low and menacing. I knew he was angry.

"W-wh-at?" I stuttered over the words, fear ruling all of my actions.

"I'm not stupid. I know they're back, Bella. But this doesn't change anything."

 _Back? Who is back? I don't understand…_

But then in clicked.

 _Edward. Did he mean Edward? No, it's not possible. Edward is gone. He's not coming back._ I choked back a sob at the thought of him.

"Meet me at our special place at 9pm. Come alone. And if you don't, you know what'll happen. I promise you it'll be the end of _all_ of you." He growled into the phone, emphasizing each word.

I tried to move, but movement felt impossible.

 _What does he mean "they're back"? They're not here. They haven't been here…_ my thoughts were racing and my heart was pounding. My mind was going into sensory overload and I could sense the oncoming onslaught of memories. I braced myself, and tried to counter the thoughts as best I could. I summoned the images of Edward, and forced myself to recall every painfully beautiful memory I had in an effort to force the filth out of my mind.

 _Edward's hands, cold and firm, holding mine. His icy breath, his golden eyes, locked onto my plain brown ones, rendering me completely lost in their depths._ I continued replaying memories of Edward until the tension left my body and my head stopped spinning.

 _Pull it together Bella. Hold on._


	3. Home

Chapter 3 - Home

* * *

 **EPOV**

 _He looks so much better. How remarkable, the effect of even such a small feed on his body after so many months of starvation._ Carlisle's thoughts were racing as he examined my appearance. He was relieved to see me looking more like myself and fascinated by the effects starvation had on our kind. But there was a purposely evasive edge to his thoughts. There was something he was working especially hard to keep me from seeing in his mind.

It appeared my ability to read my family's thoughts had returned completely when I broke the cycle of starvation. The relief was instantaneous, both to my thirst and my desire to understand what they were feeling. The difference I felt made me wonder how I'd denied myself for so long. I felt transformed and awakened – far more alert and attuned to my surroundings, and I hadn't even fed until I was fully satiated because I'd been too anxious to see Bella.

"Why am I here, and not watching over Bella?" I questioned, anger ripping through my words. My family tensed around me. We had received an urgent phone call from Carlisle partway through our hunting trip asking us to meet him at our home in Forks before going to see Bella. We had cut our strip short and rushed back home.

"There are some matters we need to discuss, Edward." Carlisle glanced at Emmett who looked deflated.

"What's the issue?" I paced around the table.

"Take a seat," Carlisle urged pointing to the chair opposite him. I shook my head.

"No. What's happening with Bella?" I pressed, but Carlisle didn't even flinch at my harshness. He sighed, appearing overwhelmed. I tried to focus in on his and Emmett's thoughts, but they were purposefully evading anything useful. I growled in frustration.

"Bella is OK, Edward. We found her in her bedroom, and Charlie was home as well. Charlie seems fine and Bella looks… well enough." I stiffened at his choice of words.

"What do you mean, well enough?" Carlisle glanced uneasily into the faces of my family members and forced out a large breath of air before continuing.

"Well, it's apparent to me from the little that I did see of her that something isn't right. She is concerningly frail, possibly emaciated and she appears to be grappling with a high level of anxiety. We wanted to warn you before you went there and saw her yourself. It was quite a shock to both Emmett and I and we wanted to prepare you for what you'll see. She doesn't resemble the Bella you remember, Edward." Carlisle locked eyes with me and his thoughts became immediately clear.

 _And whatever is happening to her isn't your fault, I can assure you of that, son._

I stared back at him, still and silent. My jaw clenched and my hands gripped the side of the table, easily crushing it like a block of sand beneath the force of my fingers. My family stared at me, waiting for my reaction.

Before I could say anything, the silence was broken by the familiar rumble of an old truck crawling across the gravel road of our driveway. Alice gasped and jumped up from her seat, her thoughts full of panic and frustration.

 _How did I not see this? How did I not see her coming!?_ Desperation poured from her thoughts as she began searching for some clue, any clue, of Bella's future. But nothing came. It appeared that her individual future was still completely unreadable to Alice. Not even a small glimmer peeked through. I could sense how uneasy Alice felt in being unable to see anything in the future of someone she loved deeply. I shared her pain.

"She's here," I said. I released my hands from the table and pushed away, walking toward the door, anticipating her knock.

* * *

 **BPOV**

I rested my head against the steering wheel of my truck, groaning at the anxiousness trickling through my entire body.

 _Pull yourself together. You don't even know that they're actually in there!_

I glanced around the yard, taking note of anything that might have changed since I'd last been here. But everything was the same – familiar. I scanned the property, searching for signs of them, but there was not a single trace.

 _It will be as if I never existed._

And it was.

Still.

I chastised myself. There was a possibility that he was mistaken, that they hadn't actually returned.

 _He must have been mistaken. Maybe he was testing me? Why would Edward return, when he clearly wanted nothing to do with me and this stupid, dreary, bottomless hole of a town?_

Still, I had to come and see for myself, because it would eat away at me until I knew for sure.

 _You're wrong Bella. He doesn't make mistakes._

He'd been right about everything so far. He was right about Edward and his family – that they didn't want me… that I was a burdensome human, slowly destroying their lives by inserting my human frailties into it. I was as bother, a nuisance. And now, I was nothing…

I forced my mind to return to reality, trying to process the potential events that were about to unfold.

I weighed the possibilities. If he was testing me, would he know I was here? Would he know that I still cared enough to risk my heart – maybe even my life for Edward and the rest of the Cullen's? But if he was telling the truth, Edward was back in Forks.

I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that.

I didn't know what it would mean… what it could change, if anything…

 _It might not be Edward. He said "they're back" that could mean any combination of them. Not necessarily Edward._

The only way I was going to know for sure was to get out of my truck and knock on the damned door. I braced myself, knowing that if they were home the task laid out before me was no small feat. It was difficult to convince any of the Cullen's to do something they didn't want to, and I assumed that if they had returned to Forks their return was not without purpose; it would be difficult, if not impossible, to convince them to leave.

 _Edward probably figured seven months was long enough for me to forget about him. He probably figures I should be less obsessed with him by now, therefore, making it "safe" for him to return. I wish that were true… I wish I was less pitiful._

Thinking of Edward resurrected thoughts from the day he had left and his insistence that he didn't care for me in the way I thought he did. The pain of that memory jolted through my body, leaving me breathless.

Tears crept into the corners of my eyes as had become the new normal for me, but crying wasn't an option right now. I swallowed thickly and glanced in my rear-view mirror, setting my face into what I hoped was determined, hard lines – hopefully feigning the appearance of strength. I had always been a terrible liar, but Edward had seemed especially adept at filtering my lies from the truth.

 _You're not the same Bella he remembers. Things change. You've changed._ I cringed at the thought. I _had_ changed. I'm sure it would be hard for Edward to recognize me at all. And if he ever discovered the truth I knew he'd regret ever knowing me. He would be disgusted by me.

I brushed the thoughts aside and slid out of my truck, dragging my feet as I walked toward the door.

I knocked, shaking in my anticipation, but certain all the same that no one would be home and that all of this would have been a waste of my time.

When the door creaked open, my jaw fell open in shock.

There he was, standing in front of me unchanged in his glorious perfection.

 _Edward_.

Edward was back.


	4. Protection

Chapter 4 – Protection

* * *

 **BPOV**

"Wha-t?" It was all I could sheepishly utter. I tried to find words and form a sentence with them, but that seemed painful and impossible. Was this real? Was this even possible?

 _They're back._

"Bella…" he breathed, his brow furrowing and his lips twisting into a frown. He pulled the door open even further to reveal the rest of his family sitting stoically around a table, as though they were engrossed in a serious business meeting.

Their eyes narrowed as they watched me, the same emotion reflected in each of their faces as though they were mirrors of each others.

Sadness?

They were sad?

 _Is it because I'm here? Is that why they all look so… upset?_ I wondered, taking an unconscious step away from the door.

I turned to Edward, waiting for him to speak, expecting him to set the course.

Did he want me to leave?

Did he want me to stay?

 _What does he want?_

My heart pained at the sight of him, knowing the feelings I had for him couldn't be reciprocated. I was overwhelmed by the cascade of emotions that was sending me into a tailspin. The feeling in my chest was swelling, threatening to burst open as I struggled to make sense of this situation – this augmented reality.

 _He doesn't love you,_ I thought harshly _and that's for the best anyway. You're damaged goods now._

My internal monologue was cut short as was the quiet awkwardness that surrounded me when Alice charged forward, pushing Edward aside to reach me.

"Bella, come in!" Her voice chimed through the room, ringing through my body, reverberating off my bones sending a wave of warmth and electricity shooting through my aching body. When she spoke it sounded like wind chimes, gently clanging together in a summer night's breeze – my heart ached at how painfully I'd missed that sound.

She wasted no time, reaching out and grabbing my hand before I could process her actions. I recoiled from her touch as though the contact had sent a literal shock through me. I'd almost forgotten just how _cold_ they were. Like bricks of ice meeting an open flame. Yet another thing I'd missed. The cold. Lately if felt as though everything around me was heat and fire. The cold was a welcome break from it all because it reminded me of Edward. If I couldn't touch Edward right now, Alice would have to serve as a suitable substitute.

She reached for my hand once again, determined to maintain contact, but before she could touch me I pulled away – the instinct to avoid physical contact was overwhelming and therefore it triumphed. She stepped back, trying to hide her obvious shock.

"Sorry…" she offered, an uncomfortable smile on her face. I shrugged and forced a smile in return.

"Oh, it's so good to see that smile again! Please, do come in!" Esme beamed, stepping toward in a very controlled, easy pace. I took another hesitant step backwards as my eyes locked on Edward's face. His hands were balled into iron vices while his arms were folded across his chest. He looked pained and uncomfortable. My heart sank at knowing that I was the cause of his discomfort.

I shook my head, politely refusing Esme's offer "I can't stay…" I explained, locking my hands together in front of me.

"Of course you can," Alice insisted, taking another hesitant step toward me.

"No," My voice raised, shocking me. I winced, preparing for their reaction. But nothing happened. And it was now or never. I needed to tell them.

"You have to leave," I said evenly, trying my hardest to appear assured and resolute.

Alice's eyes narrowed, she was unconvinced.

"We just arrived today, Bella. Speaking of which… how did you know we were here?"

I rolled my eyes at Alice's effort to change the subject.

Had this been any other time, under any other circumstances I might have found it confusing that Alice didn't already know the answer to my question. But Alice's lack of foresight wasn't a shock to me.

He had warned me that she wouldn't be able to see me anymore…

"Word spreads quickly in small towns" I offered, inhaling sharply before continuing, "but you can't stay here. You have to leave."

"I'm not sure we understand the urgency, Bella. We just arrived, why would we leave?" It was Carlisle who spoke this time, his voice as beautiful and captivating as ever. His eyes were soft, but troubled as he eyed me from his corner of the room.

"For the same reasons you left before," I supplied "because I want too much from all of you, and you aren't able to give me what I want." The words sent sadness straight through me, shattering through my conciousness, slicing me deeply and painfully.

"Bella –" Alice began, but I cut her off before she could continue.

"Look, I almost ruined all of your lives seven months ago. If Jasper had…" I stumbled over my words, knowing how upsetting they would be "if he'd bitten me, you could have been exposed. It's not safe for you to stay here with me knowing what I know."

I was crumbling to pieces on the inside, the words felt like acid burning through my tongue, corroding away at my skin with their toxicity. I wanted to drop everything and run into Alice's arms, to sob against the cold granite of her skin.

I wanted to beg her to stay this time, to never leave again.

But I knew it wouldn't be safe. And more than my own desires I valued their lives.

They would be killed if they stayed, of that much I was sure.

Alice spun on her heels to face Edward. She growled and narrowed her eyes at him, glaring at him while no doubt threatening him in her mind.

"Do you see now, you idiot?" she shrieked, "do you see what you've done?" Her voice was full of anger, and her fingers were bending into, rigid, claw-like appendages. Edward's jaw twitched and his eyes fell from my face toward the floor. He leaned his body against the wall behind him and sighed.

"We're not going anywhere, Bella." The words spilled from him with ease as he remained poised against the wall, seemingly unaffected. My body contracted painfully at the sound of his voice, ringing musically around the room, unleashing what felt like an entire lifetime of memories. The memories flooded my mind – memories of Edward, his voice… his words. Of everything that I'd been longing for and missing, of all my desperation and hopelessness balled together in a painful, beautiful bliss.

It was unleashing inside of me, the massive void his absence had carved out of me hollowing with renewed intensity. Circling me, cradling me… overwhelming me.

"Yes. You. Are," I insisted, emphasizing each word, trying to convey the seriousness of my words. Carlisle stepped forward, observing me with a gentleness that had always been unique to him.

"Bella, why don't you sit for a moment and we can continue discussing this?"

"No," I shouted, stunned by my own emotional outburst. How unhinged had I truly become? My desperation was building as I tried to convince them of my plan. Leave, turn around, pack their things and flee. And never return. They couldn't' stay, no matter how much I wanted them to. I couldn't keep this a secret from them long enough, and although I was aware that Edward felt nothing but brotherly affection for me, I knew the Cullen's would try to help me if they found out what I'd worked so hard to conceal.

If they interfered, I couldn't imagine an outcome that didn't involve a blood bath of death and destruction.

I cringed at the thought. There was nothing easy about any of this because telling them to leave went against every instinct my body held. I wanted to run to Edward, and press my body against his, breathe in his familiar scent and lose myself in his embrace.

I wanted him to wrap me up, carry me away, tucking me aside in the safety of his world.

But this wasn't safe, it couldn't be safe. So they had to leave. I had to _make_ them leave. There was no way around it.

"Bella, if you'll please just sit and discuss this with us," Carlisle urged, his golden eyes locking with mine in an affectionate gaze, "we can sort all of this out and figure out what makes the most sense for everyone." His eyes shot to Edward and I could tell that there was some kind of silent exchange happening between them.

I couldn't allow this to go any further than it already had, I needed to put a stop to it now. I turned and faced Edward, my jaw clenched as I braced myself for what I was about to say.

"You never had any issues leaving me before, did you? You ruined me, Edward. All of you ruined me. I spent months trying to pull myself back together, to pick up the mess you left behind. You figured it would all be ok if you just erased any trace of yourselves?" My voice was shaking now, catching in my throat as tears brimmed in my eyes. "Well it wasn't. Nothing about what you did, or what you're doing now, is ok. So _leave_. And stay gone because I can't handle another ending like the last one, and we all know that's inevitable when you get tired of toying around with me again…" The tears began streaming down my face and I wiped them away as quickly as they fell. As much as my monologue was devised in the hopes that they would leave, it was a very real admission. I wanted them to stay, but another part of me wanted them to leave now before I became attached again.

I had already lost so much, I couldn't risk losing them all again. I knew I couldn't survive it twice.

I studied the room and noticed the look of anguish on everyone's faces. Esme's hands were clasped over her mouth and her body had curled around itself, sunken into a position of defeat. Jasper looked overwhelmed by what I was sure was a complicated array of emotional turmoil, while Rosalie's arms were folded across her chest and her eyes were focused on something off in the distance. She seemed unaffected by Emmett's attempts at affection, his arm draped protectively across her shoulders. It was painful scene to behold, but most unnerving of all was Edward.

His hands were clasped behind his head and his body was hunched over and while I couldn't see the look in his eyes, I knew him well enough to know that his face was filled with an agonizing burn, a brooding that was entirely unique to him.

"Bella…" Alice's voice called after me, but I couldn't stand here a second longer, my legs were wobbling beneath me, my body waffling against the steady wave of emotions clawing their way through me. I had made my point, and I had done everything _humanly_ possible to make them leave. If they didn't leave I'd just have to come up with a way to keep them as far away from me as possible.

I turned, readying myself to walk out of the door for what would probably be the last time in my existence when I felt a cold hand wrap around my wrist. I tensed, my body reacting to the touch before I could process what was happening.

"Stay," Edward begged, his hand wrapped around my frail wrist, his pleading and sincerity unveiling an endless well of emotion inside of him. I tugged at my arm, trying to pry it from his grasp, a completely wasted effort.

"No," I said in a quiet voice, my body angled away from his in an effort to hide my tears.

"Bella, please." His was desperate, I realized. And I couldn't understand his emotional reaction, or the obvious sorrow punctuating each syllable he spoke. This didn't make sense – why did he want me to stay? I was sure coming back to Forks hadn't even been his idea but that his family had dragged him along.

"Stop it, Edward. I'm giving you want you want. You don't have to keep the act up anymore. This is your out, so take it." There was no anger left in my voice, I was too tired to feel anything other than broken and fractured.

"This isn't what I want… this was never what I wanted." A cold shiver ran down my spine.

 _Of course this is what he wanted… he left._

I was drowning in agony as I tried to process his words.

He made it clear to me that he didn't want me anymore. Why was he so insistent now? Hadn't this been his end goal all along – to shake off the pathetic human girl following all of them around like a sad, dejected, stray dog?

"Tell her, Edward!" Alice shouted, stepping between us and pulling Edward's hand from my wrist. "Tell her that it was all just a lie."

"Enough, Alice," Edward snapped.

"No, I won't stop. Can't you see that you and Bella aren't meant to be apart? You were never supposed to leave her here. _We_ were never supposed to leave her here. She's part of our family."

In the midst of her animalistic ferocity she glanced at me and smiled and I immediately warmed, feeling the agony dissipate by a fraction.

And then Carlisle stepped forward and spoke, his voice filled with certainty "Alice is right. We shouldn't have left Bella here alone in the first place. It wasn't the right decision, certaintly a poorly thought out choice, but nonetheless, we did it. And for that we're sorry, Bella. I don't know that we could convey how deeply we regret our decision."

"We came back. We're sorry that we left to begin with and that we hurt you so much as a result. But we're here now, and we aren't going to leave again – not unless you're with us and the decision to leave was one that _everyone_ was involved in." Alice placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, searching my eyes for any discomfort.

Was it true?

 _Could it be true?_

"I don't believe it," I whispered with a shaking voice.

"I know. We broke your trust and we have to earn it back. We know that, and we're willing to work to make it right." Alice shifted away from me to look at Edward and the loss of contact made my heart ache.

"Edward!" Esme's voice was soft but terse. She glared at Edward, waiting for him to speak. He was perfectly still, his eyes trained on my body, studying my every movement with careful precision. It was as though he was looking through me, like he could sense that I was hiding something. I stiffened and turned my face away from him, knowing that it would be the first to betray me.

"What's happened to you, Bella?" Edward's tortured voice broke through the heavy silence in the room. The pain was unmistakeable and it resurrected all of the anguish in me that I'd forced down into the deepest, darkest parts of myself. Before I could stop myself, I began to sob.

Of course this would be strange for Edward. This was his first time seeing me for what I had become. I was sure he could see the changes in me. My sallow, sunken cheeks. My dry, lifeless hair and my limp, sickly thin body.

I was a ghost of who I used to be. Completely transformed.

My body started to shake and tears were blurring my vision now. Panic pulsed through me at being unable to see and suddenly the flood gates opened, sending wave after wave after wave of memories tearing through me.

 _His hands were hot and fire-like as he pulled at my clothes. He shifted forward, using his arms to pin my own above my head. The weight of his body pushed my bare back into the gravel road of the driveway as his lips trailed across my chest, leaving bruises in their wake._

 _"Is this why you came here? To be closer to them?" He whispered in my ear, his hot breath washing over my face. My eyes scanned the sky above me, searching for something to keep me focused, to help me stay distracted from what was happening to my body and my eyes locked on the large windows adorning the home that had once belonged to the Cullen's. Visions of Edward filled my mind, and my will to fight was renewed. He would be disgusted with me if I let this happen._

 _I couldn't let this happen._

 _"S-s-s-top it. P-please." My voice was low and shaking as I pleaded with him to let me go._

 _"Why? I'm only trying to help you forget him, Bella. Trust me, this is going to help." He removed a hand from my arm and began clawing at my jeans before growing frustrated opting instead to rip them off of me instead._

"Bella! Bella?" Carlisle's voice pulled me away from the memory. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to calm down enough to give them an explanation for what they had just witnessed.

"I'm… sorry," I stuttered, a shudder ripping through my body as I tried to shake off the lingering memories still clinging to the corners of my mind.

"What happened?" Carlisle asked, bending so that his eyes were level with my own. He placed a hand on my shoulder offering silent encouragement.

"Nothing," I insisted, "really, I'm just tired. I haven't slept well in a while..." I offered, noticing that all of the Cullen's had gathered around me and were watching me with an unnerving intensity.

"That didn't look like you were just tired," Emmett asserted, his brow furrowed as he watched me curiously.

"Well, I am," I countered defensively. I needed to work harder to convince them that nothing was wrong or at least provide enough information to appease them without revealing anything that could endanger them.

"I have nightmares sometimes…" I whispered. I watched as the seven faces around me tensed, "ever since Edward left…" my eyes found the ground and held there, avoiding their stares before I continued, "I have nightmares and I don't sleep well." I felt pathetic sharing this, but it was better this than revealing the other truth I was desperate to conceal.

"I understand," Alice said gently, "and I'm sorry."

"No, you don't understand. Charlie has to wake me every night from the nightmares… I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't function." My voice was quivering, but I couldn't let up. This was my last attempt to make them leave. "It's taken so long to get to where I am now. Things are finally getting better for me. But all of you being here just makes it worse. It just reminds me that if you wanted to, you could leave in a moment. You could abandon me again without a second thought. You could shatter me all over again, if you wanted."

And if they knew what I was now, if they knew about him and about what he did to my body, they _would_ leave. They wouldn't want anything to do with me. Or maybe they'd try to fix it first and make sure he couldn't hurt me anymore. And if they did that, they would die. The only option was to make them leave or to conceal the truth from them.

"Please, tell us what we can do to fix this," Jasper pleaded. I felt a wave of calm wash over me, the room becoming steadier again and the nerves in my body calming, pushing deep within me, no doubt the work of Jasper. Part of me wanted to fight it, but another part of me wanted to embrace it.

It was the most peaceful I'd felt since they left.

But as quickly as the calm came, it left again. And then my heart began racing as I surveyed each of their faces and the reality and severity of the present situation hit me again.

 _This isn't safe. Try harder. He could be watching right now and you could be putting their lives in danger._

 _Fix this._

"For now, just leave me be," I begged, my voice low and very unconvincing, but I had nothing left to give.

Alice stepped away from me and turned to face her family. She began speaking in a low tone, her words too fast for me to understand. I saw Carlisle and Esme nod, and Rosalie rolled her eyes, turning her head away from me. Jasper paused for a moment before nodding in agreement as well. Edward remained motionless, his eyes trained on me again.

"If that's what you want, we'll leave you be. But we aren't leaving Forks, Bella. We can't." Carlisle's voice was patient and calm, making leaving even more difficult. But I nodded and turned toward the door before I could change my mind.

Leaving them was absolutely the hardest thing I'd had to do in what felt like forever, especially knowing that in a few hours _I would be his again._

* * *

 **EPOV**

The room was slipping away from me, as my hold on reality became more and more precarious. Similar shock was apparent on the faces of everyone brightly lit, windowed, sitting room. We stood motionless for a moment, processing everything that had just happened far faster than human eyes and ears ever could. We needed only seconds to reflect before gaining a grasp on what had just transpired.

The first person to move was Alice, she flitted across the room at an inhuman speed, stopping in front of a desk sitting adjacent to the wall next to a large table. Her delicate hands rummaged through the top most drawer before pulling out a pristine white notebook and a pencil along with it. And then she was sitting, notebook open and pencil poised above the paper as if waiting to transcribe something for someone.

Her hand began moving across the page, the loud scratching of the pencil accompanying each stroke of her wrist. The rest of my family moved to her side, with Jasper at her right and me at her left, the rest gathered behind her chair. All of us held vigil around her in complete silence, knowing exactly what was happening and understanding the importance of remaining as quiet as possible.

Alice was having a vision. She would often draw the visions out, finding it easier to connect back to them later with a visual representation of what she'd foreseen to refer back to. It also helped my family understand what her gift was showing her because, unlike me, they weren't gifted with the ability to read thoughts. As she drew, I focused on the vision as it played out in her mind.

I saw it in Alice's mind before she could finish mapping it out on paper.

 _Forks Hospital. Carlisle walking out of a patient's room, pulling the door shut behind him. Carlisle catches a familiar scent – Bella's scent and curiosity is evident in his face. He follows the scent to the door of his office. He can hear panicked chatter from behind the door, though the voices aren't discernable._

 _And then everything goes black and the vision washes._

"That's the most I've seen in months, Edward," Alice said, scratching the pen across the paper, completing the picture of Forks Hospital and Carlisle's face. Her voice and face relaying her hopefulness. Maybe this was something…

"Alice, please explain this to the rest of us," Carlisle urged as he placed a gentle hand on Alice's shoulder, his eyes lit with hope for the first time in a long time.

"Tonight, Bella will be at Forks Hospital. You'll be there too, Carlisle. You'll catch her scent before you see her and you'll follow the scent to your office," Alice explained, holding Carlisle's gaze.

As my family engaged in conversation about Alice's vision I noticed Jasper slowly back away from everyone, his eyes narrowed and pained. I began to focus my efforts on hearing his thoughts. They were disjointed and fragmented, coming in incomplete pieces while the rest of our family discussed Bella's visit to Forks Hospital.

 _Pain. So much pain. Why? Where is it coming from? I don't understand… I couldn't… I couldn't handle it._ Jaspers thoughts were dark and intense making him unable to focus on the conversation unfolding between Alice and everyone else.

"But you don't know why she's there?" Alice answered Carlisle's question with a small shake of her head.

"But she's there. And I can see it!" She was beaming now, her eyes wide and cheerful.

"Why would she be at the hospital, and why would she be waiting to speak with you, Carlisle?" Esme questioned, sitting down in a chair across from Alice.

 _Something isn't right. She isn't right. It's not… normal. Is it physical pain? Is it just emotional? Why couldn't I feel it clearly? Usually I know immediately. Usually I understand._

Jasper's thoughts were growing more and more desperate with each passing moment. He was accustomed to having perfect mastery over people's emotions. It was an uncomfortable feeling for him to be so out of touch with Bella's emotional state.

"I don't know, maybe she'll call to arrange a meeting with Carlisle to tell him more of the same stuff she said today about needing us to leave?" Emmett offered, sitting in the chair next to Esme as he spoke.

"Maybe. But Carlisle didn't know she was there until he caught her scent," Alice explained, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Enough," I growled out in a low voice. The intensity of it enough to render my family still as they waited for me to speak. I needed Jasper to vocalize his thoughts. In his head they were too incomplete and confusing for me to follow.

Jasper's thoughts were always among the clearest and most easily deciphered I'd ever encountered. The confusion and conflict I was witnessing inside his mind was an indicator that something was very wrong. It was yet another piece of disturbing evidence indicating that Bella wasn't safe, not yet. Even if the vision had washed out of Alice's mind, it didn't mean that Bella wasn't still in danger.

"Jasper… speak," I commanded.

He nodded in my direction, clearing his throat before stepping forward. All eyes were locked on him.

"I assume you've been listening to my thoughts?" He asked, his jaw tensed. I nodded, folding my arms across my chest.

"What is it, Jazz?" Alice questioned, appearing next to him as if out of thin air.

"From the moment Bella arrived I was trying to… _understand_ her emotional state. Based on the explanation Carlisle and Emmett gave of her physical well-being I wanted to get a sense of where she was at emotionally, I wanted to try and understand the parts of her we can't physically see. I figured it would be helpful in trying to figure out what's going on with her an what kind of danger she's in."

"And?" Rosalie asked, her voice cutting and sharp in the deflated air of the room.

"She's… something's _wrong_." He said simply, locking his eyes to mine, placing so much emphasis on the word wrong that it prickled at every fibre of my being.

"It's all well and good that you've been able to see her so clearly, Alice. But even with the vision we don't know much. We don't know why she's at the hospital and we don't know what's wrong with her. I can say with certainty that the turmoil Bella is experiencing is…" He paused and turned away from me. I kept my eyes trained on him, searching his thoughts in total desperation.

 _I'm sorry, Edward,_ Jasper thought before continuing.

"What I felt from Bella today was unlike anything else I've ever felt. She's… broken. Something is terribly wrong. And because of what I sensed from her today, I'd wager that her visit to the hospital isn't a good thing."

My entire body seized, as it felt like the walls were slowly closing in on me. I couldn't understand his words or what they meant. What did he mean, broken? What does it mean for a human to be broken? She wasn't physically broken. Perhaps she wasn't particularly healthy right now, but that didn't mean she couldn't gain back the weight she'd lost or eventually adopt healthier sleep habits. Those things didn't break her. The broken feeling Jasper was talking about had everything to do with her emotional state.

This was far harder to bear than her sickly physical appearance. I could _see_ the wreckage that had become her body, and I could help her fix that. But what was happening inside her mind – the only place I couldn't reach, the only part of her I didn't know, was more concerning to me than anything else.

My own mind raced through possibilities. What could be happening to Bella? Was it because I'd left? Did I destroy her that much?

Jaspers' voice broke through the thick silence of the room.

"When she first arrived I picked up her emotional state from outside, before she even came inside. It was agony. But, then she came inside and the agony was interrupted by moments of… longing? Of love."

"Oh Bella," Alice whispered, her head bowing as her hands clasped behind her neck.

"When she looked at you, Edward – or when she spoke to you, the agony was interrupted. It was as though you were part of the remedy for her pain."

"Me?" The thought was incredulous. How could I be the remedy for her pain when I'd been the one to destroy her?

"Yes. I don't think she was being entirely truthful here today," Jasper explained, "she was being evasive…"

"Well obviously," Rosalie spat, rolling her eyes. "Do you think she really wants to bare her soul to the people that she thinks are responsible for destroying it?" Rosalie's eyes locked on to mine, her thoughts venomous and filled with a rage that was directed my way.

"I don't think it's a matter of not wanting us to see her vulnerabilities. I think there's more to it. I think she's hiding something from us. She's protecting some kind of secret, trying to conceal something from us. I think whatever she's hiding from us is the driving force behind the pain she's feeling."

I nodded in understanding. Jasper's theory made sense. Everything about Bella was off, and it wasn't just in a physical way. The way she moved, the way she spoke, the way she reacted to everyone in my family – all of it was deeply concerning and a clear indication that something terrible was happening.

The agony I felt was beyond measure. Every cell of my being felt as though it was being shredded. The thought of Bella enduring such a devastating and tormenting kind of pain was beyond anything I could handle. What was happening? What was she hiding?

I watched Jasper's brow furrow as he surveyed me. No doubt he was reading my emotions and trying to provide me with some measure of relief in return.

"Let's start with what we know," Carlisle suggested, placing his palms face down on the table, leaning forward as he met each of our eyes.

"Well, we know that I can't see her anymore. Or, that I can't see her very well, anymore." Alice looked dejected at the thought as she shook her head in frustration.

"And we know that she is in pain," Esme offered, her voice filled with a tortured sadness. The room paused as everyone catalogued their own assumptions, running through their observations while trying to understand what all of this could mean. Their looks of sympathy did nothing to quell the storm brewing within me. It felt as though my insides were being shredded, like molten lava was coursing through my veins, ripping me open from the inside out.

"And we know that I am largely responsible for a lot of that pain." My voice was low and empty, penetrating the room with its intensity.

"Yes. We do," Alice agreed. Her voice was void of anger but very pointed. She wasn't angry with me, but she couldn't deny that my leaving had caused Bella many months of suffering. I had caused her pain. I deserved a torturously slow and painful demise. But it would have to wait. For now, I needed to remain where I was – I needed to help Bella.

"And we know that something is very, very wrong. But let's work with what we have," Carlisle suggested.

I listened for Carlisle's accompanying thoughts. _We know she'll be at the hospital tonight. I don't know why but perhaps I can glean something from her while she's there._

"Yes. That's a good place to start," I offered. The others looked between Carlisle and I with frustrated looks of confusion.

"Carlisle believes we should make some sort of plan for tonight. We know Bella will be at the hospital tonight, presumably waiting to speak with Carlisle."

I watched as the faces of my family flinched as they looked at me. I scanned their thoughts and it was enough to reveal that they didn't need Jasper's gift to surmise that every passing moment was filled with grief, knowing that Bella wasn't by my side, that I wasn't protecting her while I was here, making plans to figure out what was happening to her instead.

"I don't know why she's there… I can't see anything else," Alice grunted in frustration.

 _I thought if we made a decision I would have been able to see the outcome. But… it's just blank. It's gone back to the way it's been for months. What is wrong with me?_

"This isn't on you, Alice. You can't see something you're not meant to see." She smiled, a half-hearted gesture, in my direction, grateful for my attempts to comfort her.

"I don't understand why I can see small bits and pieces but not big pictures. I've never had this issue with Bella before…"

"I don't think what you saw today was an indication that anything has changed," I explained, "I think you see things connected to people who are part of Bella's life, but you don't see Bella. Your vision tonight involved Carlisle, and Bella wasn't in the vision until Carlisle caught her scent. I think the vision actually belongs to Carlisle's future, not Bella's." As difficult as it was for Alice's gift to be malfunctioning around Bella right now, there wasn't anything we could do about it. Something was preventing us from seeing Bella's future clearly, but it wasn't Alice.

"It doesn't change that something's wrong with Bella, and I can't do anything to fix it."

"I know."

It didn't change anything. Both Alice and I struggled with feeling powerless, with not knowing when we usually would have.

"Tonight then," Carlisle said. We all nodded in agreement. Before the conversation could continue any further I was running out the door and down our driveway.

I had to find her. I might not be able to talk to her, but that wouldn't stop me from watching her from afar to make sure she was safe.

As I ran through the trees, dodging branches with ease, my thoughts were consumed with her. I replayed every moment of today in my mind, relaying the memories clearly as though they were happening right before my very eyes. A perk of being a vampire was perfect recall far exceeding anything humans could manage. I was able to visualize every moment, every gesture and movement without any significant effort.

The moment I saw her everything began falling to pieces around me. It was exactly as Carlisle had described through his thoughts. She was as broken, if not more, than he'd shown me and explained to me.

 _"You never had any issues leaving me before, did you? You ruined me, Edward. All of you ruined me. I spent months trying to pull myself back together, to pick up the mess you left behind. You figured it would all be ok if you just erased any trace of yourselves?" She paused for a moment tears brimming in her beautiful brown eyes before pulling in a deep, purposeful breath "Well it wasn't. Nothing about what you did, or what you're doing now is OK. Leave. And stay gone because I can't handle another exit like the last one, and we all know that's inevitable when you get tired of toying around with me again!" I watched as her entire body sunk inwards, one arm wrapping around her frail waist as the other wiped away the tears streaming down her face._

 _I fought against the urge to run to her, hold her in my arms and kiss away those tears. I wanted nothing more than to wrap her up in my arms, gliding my hands across the familiar planes of her body, proving to her that I wasn't going to leave again._

I shook my head, trying to will the thoughts away. Those moments with Bella in our home had shown me how grave a mistake I had made in leaving her to begin with. I had caused her such deep pain that I wasn't sure I would ever be able to earn her trust back.

My plan had worked. I had managed to convince Bella that she meant nothing to me. She had lived through these past seven months believing that she was nothing more than a toy to me, a convenient distraction used to pass the eternity that spanned out before me, something I could discard at will when she no longer captured my interest.

I had given thought to how that would hurt her. I figured she would struggle with that for a few months, but that she would find something to help her move on. Truthfully, I had expected her to find companionship with someone else. Bella was enigmatic, and beautiful soul and an unforgettable presence. I couldn't conjure visions of her alone… without someone to match her spirit, to keep her safe.

I didn't imagine her crumbling to pieces. I didn't anticipate that she would suffer as much as she had.

But if today was any indication of the past several months, she hadn't moved on. She hadn't found anyone and now she was hiding a dark and painful secret. And it was my fault.

I had underestimated her love for me because I was a foolish, naïve, coward.

I ran harder and faster now, following the trail of her scent. It stopped abruptly along the highway. I pushed past the thick brush until I could hear her cries. I ran faster now, desperate to know what had elicited the sound from her to begin with.

When I pushed through the trees the sight before me brought me to my knees.

Bella's head was resting against the steering wheel of her truck as her body shook violently with the force of her sobs.

* * *

 **BPOV**

I waited until I was clear of the driveway to break down into hysterics. I drove until I was 5 miles away from their home before pulling to the side of the tree lined road, resting my head against my steering wheel as I sobbed. My body shook while the tears poured out of me.

It had been too much. My body felt like it was composed entirely of raw, exposed nerve endings, fragmented and broken.

Seeing Edward had awakened the parts of me I thought would never come to life again. I was confused. He seemed to be consumed by an overwhelming pain and I'd noticed several moments where it looked as though he wanted to come to me, to hold me like he had before he'd left. There were even moments where I had been foolish enough to believe that maybe he had, and still did, love me. Alice had insisted that he was lying the day that he left, and he had confirmed that, but the gaping hole in my heart couldn't believe it was true. The thought brought me too much hope. And hope had become dangerous.

 _He won't want you now, anyway. You… belong to someone else now._

The realization that maybe it was true, maybe Edward did love me was painful. I knew that the glory of knowing he cared for me as I did him would be short lived. Everything was different now.

I couldn't belong to Edward anymore.

Wave after wave of pain crashed through me, overtaking me.

I brought my shaking hands to cover my mouth, and then screamed into them as loudly as I could. It was the only release I had left. I screamed and sobbed and shook. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't. Every emotion from the past seven months was surfacing and I was powerless to stop it.

I jumped when I felt a hand wrap around my waist, pulling me away from the steering wheel.

I screamed again, but this time in fear.

It was him.

 _Not now. Not here. Please._

I felt a gentle but firm hand brush my hair from my face, resting my head into a firm, granite-like chest. Cold. Not fire and not heat. This wasn't _him_.

"Shhh. I'm so sorry, love." His hand brushed the tears away from my eyes as they fell.

 _Edward._

It was Edward. It was my love. It was everything that had held me together. The embodiment of what I had clung to every day to survive this hell. He was here and he was holding me. I thought for a moment of fighting it, but I couldn't. I sobbed harder and harder and it kept going even when I wished for it to stop. My body shook, and I couldn't suppress the screams that echoed out of me.

And he held me through it all. He stayed next to me, his body pressed into mine, holding me closer than he ever had. The more I cried the tighter he held me, the closer he pulled me into him.

I breathed in deeply as I cried, inhaling his scent, reviving the memories of him that had faded in my mind over time.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you so deeply," he whispered, his lips pressed against my ear as he spoke to me. "I will never leave you again, Bella. Never."

Words that should have been comforting caused me to cry even harder.

He loved me.

But it didn't matter now.

I reached a hand up to his face, pressing it against his flawless, porcelain skin, savouring this moment. I lifted my head, pulling away from his chest.

"I should tell you to leave…" I muttered, "But I can't. Please… _don't go_."

 _This is a mistake, Bella. Tell him to leave. Run away. Let him go. If he stays and he gets hurt, it'll be your fault._

I couldn't listen to my own reasoning right now. I needed him as intensely as I needed the air I breathe. I wanted to be strong enough to tell him to leave, but for now, I couldn't.

"I won't. I won't ever do this to you again." His voice ensnared in pain, and the sound of it brought me to tears again. They were gentler this time, less violent and consuming.

"What's happening to you, Bella?"

"I can't, Edward. Please don't," I begged, wanting to savour in this moment without the weight of everything else suffocating us. His jaw tensed but he nodded.

"Where are you going right now? Where were you headed?"

"I was going to school… but I don't think I can." I pressed my head against his chest again, muffling my voice. He chuckled as he pressed a soft kiss against my hair.

"You're lucky I have the hearing of a vampire Bella, otherwise I wouldn't have heard a word you said." He continued placing small kissed across my head, stopping at my ear.

"Can I take you home with me?" I tensed at the suggestion. He stilled, looking down at me with concern.

"What is it, Bella?"

"I… I just don't know if they want me there?"

"Bella, they've missed you almost as much as I have. Our family has been… broken and incomplete since the day I left you."

His hand ghosted across my jaw and he pulled my face toward his. Everywhere he touched left a trail of icy fire in its wake. These simple gestures, his touch, his presence… it was resurrecting every bone in my body. Even the places where my body ached felt relieved when he was next to me.

"Kiss me," I breathed heavily, closing my eyes, preparing for rejection. But it never came. Instead, I felt his soft, full lips trail across my own, stopping briefly for a moment as he locked his hand in my hair, pressing me closer into him.

I tensed again, conflicting emotions competing in my head. In this moment he was the antithesis of everything painful that had been happening for these past several months. He was the salve to the wounds within me.

Edward stopped when I stiffened in his arms, and his gaze held my own.

"What is it, love? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. This is just… it's everything," I sighed and rested my head against his chest, reveling in the feeling of this moment. I would give almost anything to stay in this moment for eternity.

But I wouldn't destroy Edward for my own selfish desires.

 _I can stay, just for a few more hours. This will be our goodbye, this will be that last of it, and then I'll go back to belonging to someone else._

* * *

 **A/N:** So, what do you think? Review and let me know!


	5. Late

Chapter 5 - Late

* * *

 **EPOV**

The sound of her breathing was providing me with serenity than I'd felt in months. Steady and even, just like her heartbeat. I gazed down at her, a small smile tugging at my downturned lips. Her body was twisted around me, gripping to me like a vice. A swathe of chestnut brown hair was splayed across my sweater-clad chest and the pillows of my bed, and I was grateful that I would have her scent lingering here long after she left.

She looked peaceful, for this moment at least. She was sleeping beneath me, my arms wrapped around her waist with her head resting against me. This was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. I wasn't sure anything could pry me away from her now that she was here. My return had been unplanned, but it had been exactly what we both needed.

I had been foolish to assume that my leaving would allow Bella to forget me. Why had I underestimated the intensity of her feelings? Why had I downplayed her expression of her love for me? Bella's honesty with me was never something I should have allowed myself to question. My family had fought with me, warned me against the decision and urged me to reconsider. Alice was the most persistent – insisting that she could see how this would turn out, and that the outcome wouldn't be positive. But when I searched her mind for clues of our departure negatively impacting Bella I couldn't see anything beyond the typical heartbreak that I expected she would experience and recover from given a bit of time and space. I had figured it would be a small price to pay in the present to ensure her future was bright, full and promising.

And now I still felt as though I couldn't provide her with the kind of future she was most deserving of and that assuming I knew what was best for her had been part of the problem, to begin with. I had to trust her to make decisions for herself and for her life. And currently, she wanted her life to include me. I didn't know where we would be a few hours from now, especially given how angry and hurt Bella had been only hours before this. But for now, she wanted me to hold her while she slept and she didn't want me to leave.

I could live with that.

Time was passing, though at a crawl. Bella had arrived at our home at 9 am, left by 9:30 am and arrived at back at our home with me by 10:15 am. I glanced at the clock above my desk:

6 _pm._

 _She's been sleeping for hours._ I thought, my concern mounting as the hours ticked past.

 _And no wonder. She's so incredibly frail._ My hand glided across her arm, wrapping around her wrist. I easily conjured the images of her shouting at all of us earlier this morning, of my hand grabbing her wrist to prevent her from leaving. I had felt it then, too. Her breakable body felt as though it would shatter beneath even the lightest of touches now. Time had come and gone since my departure and, if possible, she felt even more fragile to me now than before.

I glanced down at her, noticing how the warm wool blanket clung to the bony edges of her figure. I studied her, noting how much she had changed in such a short period of time. Her once full cheeks were now sallow and sunken, dragging her round eyes down with them. Her hair no longer glistened when it caught the light, but looked dull and flat. Her once poised shoulders sunk in and her head was in what appeared to be a constant bow, as though facing the world was much too troubling and exhausting for her. She was a waif, a shell of her former self.

But more than that, I noticed the shift in her demeanor, in the way she held herself and moved. Every movement she made was slow and deliberate, and there were moments when she winced in pain, even during the lightest of activity. There was no other explanation for why the simplest of tasks now required so much of her focus and energy.

 _Maybe she's become clumsier as a result of her depression?_ I quickly tossed that thought out of my head. Bella was clumsy, but I knew that couldn't be why she seemed to be in constant pain now. That didn't make any sense.

 _What is happening to my sweet Bella?_ My thoughts felt like fire coursing through me. No matter how much I tried to understand what was going on or interpret her body and its outward protest of her inner pain I couldn't. Her refusal to share with me was beyond frustrating, but I supposed for this moment I couldn't request much more of her. I had contributed to her brokenness and I was terrified if I pushed too much and too hard she would leave.

She shifted beneath me and I sighed in contentment. Having her here, next to me, was satisfying beyond measure. I couldn't fix her problems in this moment, but at least she was here with me, under my protection, alive and breathing.

 _Alive. But will she stay this way?_

I was torn between the instinctive need to stay here with Bella and the instinctive need to more proactively contributing to securing her safety. I needed to speak with my family and concoct some sort of plan that involved figuring out what was happening to and what we would need to do to protect her. I wanted to know if Alice had experienced any changes to her visions of Bella's future. I tried to listen to her thoughts, hoping they would alert me to any changes.

"Nothing has changed, Edward." I heard her call to me from upstairs, her voice barely above a whisper but as clear to me as it would have been had she been she standing right in front of me. But Alice's words provided me with little comfort. Although Bella's future, the one where she died, hadn't returned, that didn't mean it wouldn't. I knew that if we couldn't figure out what was happening to Bella we would never be able to secure a future for her that allowed her to live. Her secrets were dangerous.

My plan had been to scour the town and listen to the thoughts of people connected to Bella to see if I could hear anything that would give me a clue, but being near Bella had triumphed instead. I was glad for my decision now, especially when I came upon her unraveling in her truck.

I would never forget the sound of her sorrowful cries. They pierced through me like nothing ever had before. This moment didn't even begin to compare to the pain of what James had done, or what Jasper had tried to do. This was far worse because I knew that Bella's pain was partly my responsibility. I had felt responsible for situations that had put her in danger before, but this was different. This was a pain I couldn't fix with my strength, my speed or any other part of my immortal nature.

Something deep within her was broken, shattered.

I could feel it, see it and sense it.

And I knew it went far deeper than I could even begin to comprehend. But forcing her to share with me what the past seven months had been like would only drive her further away.

 _There is something she's desperately trying to hide. Something she would do anything to keep us from knowing about her._

My mind analyzed everything within the realm of possibilities, but nothing made sense. I decided I would gently press the issue with her, and stop whenever I felt it was veering toward her abandoning the conversation altogether. I would have to work to keep her close.

Although I had spent months away from this beautiful human sleeping soundly beneath me, I still knew her mind well. I knew her mind, I felt, more intimately than any mind I'd ever been inside of, without ever needing to read her thoughts. That's what happened, I supposed, when you were created for each other.

 _Created for each other._

That thought played about in my mind, feeling heavy and warm at the same time. Heavy because I knew that being with me meant exposing her to perpetual danger, but warm because it felt more right than anything else ever had.

 _Does that make me a monster?_ I wondered to myself. And if it did make me a monster, did it matter anymore? I knew I couldn't bear to leave her again. I knew I wouldn't be able to muster the courage to do it. And it wouldn't be right, not anymore. I had to honour Bella's needs and her wishes. She wanted this. I wasn't sure what she meant when she said don't go. But for now, I would take her words literally and I wouldn't leave her side until she banished me from it.

I snapped from my internal dialogue when I felt her shift beneath me. Her breathing picked up pace quickly and her heart was beating faster than it had before.

I placed a hand on her back, tracing small circles on it over top her sweater, an action that had become second nature from my time with Bella before I left her. Being close and together in this way had become so commonplace for us that it was an easy habit to fall back into.

I realized my mistake when she jerked away from me while her eyes remained closed. She began thrashing, tossing her head side to side, as she pushed away from me, our bodies losing every point of contact now. Her small hands grasped the sheets beneath her and tears began pouring out of her tightly closed eyes.

"Stop." The sound ground out from between her clenched teeth, strained and ragged, a sound one might make when trying to swim upstream against an overwhelming current.

She spoke this one word and it chilled my entire body, as venom flooded my mouth – a primal, animalistic reaction to seeing my mate in pain.

"Please," she groaned, throwing her head into the pillow next to her, still clutching onto the sheets with as much strength as her small body held. I bristled next to her, unsure of what to do. If I touched her now, would that frighten her, too?

 _Will it frighten her because I'm the one she's having nightmares about?_ My body went rigid and still as I watched her cry in horror beside me. It felt as though I was being split in half, each cry delivering another blow meant to tear me to shreds.

"Bella," I murmured, almost inaudibly. I was terrified of scaring her.

"No," she choked out before an accompanying scream escaped her, her body lurching forward as her eyes shot open, wild and desperate looking.

She whipped her head around, searching for something. She stiffened and her breathing began to falter, as she gasped for air, clutching at her fabric of the turtleneck bunched up around her neck just below her jawline. Her body hunched forward as her gasping became more and more desperate.

In an instant, the door to the bedroom flew open. Carlisle was next to Bella before I could even speak. He knelt next to her on the bed, his hands extended before him in what appeared to be a show of surrender.

"Panic attack. We need to bring her back from it. Speak to her, Edward. Help her find her equilibrium." I nodded in recognition. I slowly moved so I was in front of her, kneeling on the bed. I extended a hand to reach for her own, slowing all of my movements to what I hoped would be a non-threatening speed.

"Bella, love." My hand connected with hers and she screamed a blood curdling scream as she wrenched her hand away from mine, holding it close to her chest as though it was lit aflame.

But I didn't move.

"It's me. It's Edward."

"Bella, you're ok. We're here with you," Carlisle whispered. Bella's head was shaking as though in disbelief, but her breathing slowed a fraction.

"Look at me, Bella. Please, love. Look at me. It's Edward. I'm here. I'm not leaving and I won't hurt you," I reached out again, desperate to make contact with her in some way. I placed my hand on top of hers and this time she allowed me to. I noted how rigid and tense she was, but slowly she began to relax.

"Breathe deeply now. Slow breaths, in and out." Carlisle's voice was steady and reassuring, providing me with comfort as well. I began breathing in the way he'd instructed Bella to, in and out to try and encourage her to do the same. She inhaled sharply, hiccoughing from the aftermath of her sobs, trying to pull in slow, deep breaths.

"That's it. Just like that." Carlisle's words, though well intentioned, had reignited a frenzy in Bella and she rushed away from us, her body colliding with the headboard of my bed. She pressed her back against it with such desperation that it appeared as though she was trying to disappear into it.

I moved forward, and squared my body in front of hers, taking her face between my hands, locking my eyes onto hers.

"Bella. You are safe. I am here." I spoke in short sentences wanting her to hear and understand my words. I watched as her shoulders fell and some of the tension left her body. She was still shaking, trying to inhale air, becoming more panicked at the lack of oxygen.

"Breathe slowly," I suggested, emulating what I wanted her to do as I breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly. She looked into my eyes, and I saw the terror begin to fade away, melting away at the anxious angles and edges of her body.

We stayed like that for a few moments, focusing on our breathing, allowing her body to calm and return to a place of equilibrium. Her small, warm hands reached up and she placed them atop my own, holding my hands to her face as her gaze fell.

Wordlessly, Bella inched further down the bed and I followed her. Still struggling to remain steady and even, she lay on her side, closing her eyes. I lay next to her, no longer touching her but positioned exactly as she was. I listened to her breathing and her heart rate and followed their rhythms until I could sense she was sleeping.

This had been a disturbing confirmation of what we all already knew. Someone was hurting Bella. I knew I needed to speak with my family, but I also knew I didn't want to leave her side, even if it was only for a few minutes. I was afraid I'd leave and she would wake up in a panic as she had before, but this time completely alone.

I could hear Esme, Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle convening outside of my bedroom, discussing ways to pull me away from Bella long enough to talk. Once I was sure Bella was asleep I joined them, taking comfort in knowing that I was only steps away and could monitor her breathing and heart from here.

The moment I stepped outside the room and pulled the door closed Carlisle began to speak.

"If she leaves tonight you must follow her, Edward. Don't let her out of your sight." I stiffened at his words, my eyes wide and fixated on his.

"We should have paid more careful attention to Alice's vision. Something is very, very wrong." Concern framed his words and this only served to heighten my own worry. Carlisle, the head of our family and the most collected and calm of us looked horrified by what had just transpired with Bella.

I nodded in agreement before stepping away and back into the room with Bella, the weight of everything crashing down around me.

* * *

 **BPOV**

I opened my eyes to reveal an empty bed in front of me. Where was I? I could feel the panic building in me as I tried to understand where I was and what was happening.

I glanced around the room, noticing the brilliant cherry wood bed post, impressive CD collection lining the wall opposite me and the wide floor to ceiling glass windows. And then my memory returned. I was in Edward's home. I had come here after breaking down in his arms in my truck. He had taken me here and I had asked him to hold me as I slept.

I noticed the deep pain radiating down my back, across my chest, and into my thighs. I shifted uncomfortably and reached a hand up toward my face, feeling how puffy and tear streaked it was.

 _Oh god. He saw me… he saw what I become when I sleep._ My body folded inwards at the thought of Edward and Carlisle witnessing my hysteria after waking up from a nightmare. It happened often, and usually, Charlie was the one to pull me back in, reminding me of where I was and who was with me. I hadn't wanted them to see it, too.

They were much more perceptive than Charlie and they might read more into the panic attack than I would like. Could I explain this one away as well? Would they accept my explanation if I tried to attribute it to my broken soul and heart?

Truthfully, the nightmares started the night he left and had never stopped. They had only grown worse and more vivid since he left. They had evolved to include more than just Edward leaving me…

"Bella?" Edward said as he opened the door. I looked at him, trying to produce a convincing smile.

"I'm still here." He was at the bedside in a flash, staring down at me with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen.

"May I?" He asked, gesturing toward the spot next to me on the bed. I nodded. I watched in awe as his exquisite body lay next to mine, his eyes holding my own in an intense gaze.

Again, he was searching, looking into my eyes to try and find the answers he was desperate for, but couldn't pull from me. I knew in this moment, without having to read his mind that he wished he could read my own.

"Bella…" he began, his brow furrowed, eyes filled with misery.

"I'm sorry," I offered, recoiling away from him.

 _Convince him. Remember he can read more than your voice. Don't show your dishonesty in your body language._ I tried to loosen my stiff muscles and joints.

"Look, I know that was probably difficult for you and Carlisle to see…"

"Yes. It was. But it didn't bother or inconvenience us if that's what you're thinking. We're worried about you."

 _Dammit, how did he know me so well?_

"I know. That makes sense, given how much of a mess I've been since you came back."

"You're not a mess."

"Yes, I am. But you have to understand…" I could hear my voice cracking as I spoke, but I pushed on, "when you left, you took everything I had with you. I've been just a shell of who I used to be. The nightmares and panic attacks… they're just part of who I am now."

At least it wasn't a lie. This really was what I had become. I just couldn't allow them to know why.

 _You're a horrible, terrible person._ I chastised myself mentally as I watched Edward's face twisted in anguish. I would never forgive myself for making him feel like I had become this solely because of him. He had hurt me, but I wasn't this broken because he left.

I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I could live with being a terrible, awful person. But I could not – would not - live without Edward in this world.

"I can't begin to tell you…"

"Then don't. Please," I begged, "It's done, Edward. I…" I wanted to so badly to tell him that I forgave him, but I couldn't.

"You made me feel… you told me you didn't love me. That you couldn't love me. You said I was…" I choked on the words but pushed them out anyway "you told me I was no good for you." He nodded, reaching a hand out toward my face. I pulled away and his hand returned to his side. I sat upright, trying to hide the sharp pain shooting through my body as it protested against the movement. I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my head on my knee, facing toward Edward.

"I lied." He sat upright and locked his eyes on the wall in front of us.

"I don't believe you. I can't…" These words were true.

"I know."

"But I want to…" He nodded again.

"Bella… please be honest with me?" His voice was strained and full of apprehension. I prickled at his words, preparing for him to pull apart my lies and reveal the ugly truth.

"Sure." I wasn't even remotely sure. I was petrified and trying my very hardest to conceal how I felt. I was starting to tremble, despite my efforts to contain it.

"Please, tell me… is something else going on?"

I stopped breathing for a moment, warring parts of myself screaming at me from within my mind. I wanted to tell him because I wanted it to stop. But once he knew, he would never touch me again. I would be foul and tainted and not worthy of another drop of love or kindness from him or anyone else.

And then there were the images of Edward's family being torn to shreds – above all else those images were the biggest motivators in keeping this secret. I couldn't be responsible for the destruction of everything that meant anything to me.

I lowered my voice and spoke the words harshly, trying to relay my conviction "Is this not enough for you?" I gestured toward myself, emphasizing my brokenness.

"Am I not broken enough for you yet?" I jumped up from the bed, wincing at the pain the movement had caused. I watched his eyes flash in recognition of my pain.

"What's that about then, Bella? Why does the slightest movement cause you pain?" He gestured toward my body, his eyes alight with fire and burning. His voice was low and I imagined to any other human it might have been menacing. But not to me. I trusted Edward wholly and completely to never hurt me… not in a physical way, anyway.

"I've been reckless since you left," I shot back, sending him an icy glare, "I went cliff diving. It didn't end as well as I'd hoped". It was true, sort of. A month after Edward left me, I'd begun searching for ways to find him again. The closer I came to danger, the closer I came to Edward. It was months ago and not the reason for the battery my body was a canvas for today, but he didn't need to know that. It was the best excuse I could manufacture. And mixing truth with lies seemed like the least complicated way to float this narrative.

"Cliff diving?" He asked wildly, his eyes filled with horror.

"Yes. Pathetic, isn't it? That I would jump off a damn cliff to be near you!" I shouted now, allowing real emotions to poke through the façade I was trying to build to keep him at bay. The glimmers of honesty that found their way into our conversation were making this all the more convincing.

"What do you mean you jumped off of a cliff, Bella?! Have you no regard for your life?" The moment he uttered the words I watched his face fall. He regretted the question the moment he voiced it.

"No. Not really. Not anymore." I folded my arms across my chest, trying to shield myself from his searching eyes.

"How did you… survive that?"

"Jacob Black."

"What?"

His eyes blackened and his voice lowered.

"Is that a problem? I saw a few of the Quileute kids doing it… and decided it would maybe be dangerous enough that it would make you appear to me again... I almost drowned but Jacob found me, pulled me onto the shore and saved my life. At that point I didn't think it would matter much to you anyway if I died."

"Do you have any idea how dangerous they are –"

"Yes." I cut him off before he could continue. I felt the panic bubbling inside of me intensify, but I pushed it down using the last bit of strength I had to keep it from bubbling to the surface again.

I knew exactly how dangerous werewolves could be.

The thought caused bile to rise in my throat, and my skin to clam up.

 _Keep it together. Whatever you do, keep it together!_

"You know then?" He asked, his eyes, softer now, searching my face as he tried to decipher my words.

"Yes. I know that some of them are werewolves, if that's what you mean. They don't phase very often anymore, with no vampires around."

"You _must_ to stay away from them," his voice was acid and venom tangling around the words, slung at me like a tonne of bricks hitting me square in the chest. I felt winded, and I struggled to suck the air back into my lungs. I had to hold on. I couldn't let him see this.

"You are not my keeper, Edward. You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot do. You don't get a say – not anymore."

"I'm sorry." He stepped toward me, hands outstretched his face alight with his awareness of his misstep.

"Don't - " I was going to continue, to add on layer after layer of lies to help convince him of my story but I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, stopping me midsentence.

I pulled it from my pocket and glanced down at it. The first thing I noticed was the time:

 _9:23pm_

The room began to spin around me.

 _I was late._

Then I noticed the message waiting for me:

 _ **I'm waiting. And I'm not a patient man.**_

Every part of my body wanted to collapse onto the bed, but I couldn't. This would end so, so badly. I couldn't run from him now. There was too much at stake.

I pushed my legs to move, trying to refocus the room so I could see where I was going.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

"Nothing. I… I have… I have to go," I stammered out.

"Please don't leave." He stepped toward me as he spoke and I backed away, pressing against the wall behind me.

"I can't stay. It's too much. I need space… to think." I tried to even out my voice, trying to slough off the filth that his text message had left me coated in.

"Let me drive you home, then," he offered. I shook my head.

"I don't… I don't want to be near you right now. It… it just hurts." He stilled, standing before me like a statue. Before he could try to interfere again I turned on my heel and ran out the door.

 _Move faster! You know what happens if you're late!_

I ran down the stairs, taking two at a time, hoping against hope that I wouldn't lose my footing and fall. My legs were carrying me, my body knowing what it needed to do as it ignored the desperate pleas of my mind altogether. I could hear Alice calling after me, but I kept running.

 _Do something to make sure they don't follow you!_

I stopped in front of my truck, the bright light of the moon illuminating me. I watched as Alice, Edward and Carlisle stepped onto the front deck, their eyes surveying me with concern.

"I'm fine. I need to process all of this. I need space. Please, understand that. Give me the time I need. I'll come back… I promise" My voice cracked at the last word, but I watched their faces ease, and I figured I'd done a good enough job of convincing them.

I fiddled with my keys and opened the door of my truck, jumping inside as I pulled my cell phone out.

Another message was waiting for me:

 _ **Hurry now, Bella. Wouldn't want anyone you love to end up hurt because of your tardiness.**_

As I turned on my truck I heard Edward's voice echo through the driveway.

"I love you."

My heart felt as though it would leap out of my chest but I drove away as fast as my ancient truck could allow before I could selfishly change my mind.


	6. Somewhere Else

**A/N: Please take care when reading this chapter as it contains GRAPHIC descriptions of sexual assault.**

* * *

Chapter 6 – Somewhere else

* * *

 **EPOV**

It took every bit of strength I possessed to keep my feet firmly in place as I watched Bella's truck roll down the driveway. Every instinct I possessed was roaring at me to run, to follow her and to never let her out of my sight.

To make matters worse, Carlisle and Alice were screaming at me from within their own thoughts, warning me against following Bella too prematurely.

 _Do not move, Edward! She mustn't know you're following her._

It was as though they could sense the desire burning within me to chase after her, pull her from her truck and tuck her away in the safety of our home until I could figure out what she was hiding from us.

During discussion we'd had outside my bedroom regarding this, we had all agreed it would be imperative to make sure Bella didn't know we were watching her. Esme had struggled with the idea of invading Bella's privacy and following her, but we managed to convince her that it was a necessary precaution if we wanted to ensure Bella's safety. Convincing Esme had involved Alice explaining, in depth, the images she'd witnessed in her vision of Bella's death. Jasper also had a hand in convincing her when we explained everything he'd been feeling from Bella from the moment she walked through our doorway and back into our lives.

Grief. Terror. Fear. Deceit. Panic. Pain. And the list ran on and on. A never-ending foray of pain and suffering.

Jasper explained that Bella was trying to mask her true emotions with other, more benign emotions. When she seemed calm or casual she was attempting to conceal fear. When she was yelling at us angrily she was trying to distract us from her obvious panic. Nothing was as it seemed, Jasper had explained, and in his experience this meant a person was hiding something.

And as much as Bella was keeping up appearances, we were doing the same. We had to remain convincing, to ensure that she felt as though we weren't suspicious of her fabricated story. It wasn't very difficult to fool her, either. She was, after all, only one person. A frail, distracted and possibly injured human was unlikely to ever fool a coven of seven vampires. Our heightened senses, special abilities and years of wisdom made it easy for us to separate Bella's lies from truth.

Still, we all knew her well enough to know that she would never willingly share something with us if she felt it compromised our safety. We knew there was no hope of pulling the information out of her in the traditional way, no matter how subversive we may be. And I was sure she no longer trusted us after we'd abandoned her for months, leaving her in Forks and in danger. So, we had to uncover the truth without her help. And everyone in the family had their opinions and theories.

After witnessing Bella's anxiety attack Carlisle was convinced she wasn't being truthful with us. His sound rationale was enough to pull me out of my self-loathing long enough to realize that it was unlikely that my abandonment was the sole source of Bella's agony. After watching her unravel in front of us like that we all agreed, Rosalie included, that it wouldn't be wise to leave Bella alone for any period of time.

Her safety was paramount to all of us.

So, I stood in place unmoving as she drove away from us and possibly toward something dangerous.

"Jasper, Emmet," No sooner had I spoken and they were at my side, waiting for my direction.

"Ready when you are," Jasper offered his voice confident and strong.

"Let's do this," Emmett boomed.

"This is our plan: we follow her to wherever she's going, and then the two of you stay behind and watch her. Don't let your eyes leave her for a moment. Once we know she's safe, I'll leave and pay a visit to Charlie at the Police station. If my information is correct, he's catching up on paperwork and will be there until at least 11pm. I'll speak with him and see if I can pull anything from his thoughts that gives us a clue to what Bella's hiding. Once I'm done there, I'll come back and join you."

As much as it pained me to leave watch over Bella, it was necessary. I needed to peer inside Charlie's mind, to see what he had been seeing for the past several months. Charlie's thoughts might provide us with the missing pieces of the puzzle that had become Bella's past, present, and future. And being that I was the only person with the ability to read minds in my family, no one else could do the job. I felt uneasy knowing I wouldn't be watching over Bella, but I trusted Jasper and Emmett to look after her well-being almost as much as I trusted myself.

I listened as Carlisle spoke into his cell phone, his voice filled with pleasantries and warmth as he spoke to the Dean of Medicine at Forks hospital. I watched as he folded his phone shut, sliding it back in the pocket of his trousers.

"They would be delighted to have me return – tonight especially. Apparently, several doctors have called in with food poisoning this evening. I'll be there, watching for Bella just as Alice's vision has predicted." I nodded and watched as the rest of my family filtered through the door and onto the deck, each wearing their own look of concern and unease.

"Keep in contact, Carlisle." He nodded in my direction before walking down the steps and towards the garage where our cars were parked.

He stopped just as he reached the door and turned to face me.

"She's going to be OK, son."

"I'll make sure of it," I agreed and, feeling confident she was far enough away to no longer be suspicious, I gave into the instinct I'd been stifling since she left.

I ran.

* * *

We had followed her as far as we could. We now stood, frozen like statues on the line that divided our land from the Quileute land. That ancient treaty was sacrosanct and the prospect of breaking it was less than ideal for our family. If we crossed into the land of the werewolves, we would open ourselves to war and war was the last thing we needed while trying to solve the mysteries surrounding Bella.

"Why is she here?" Emmett's voice was laced with disgust and confusion.

"She's befriended the great grandson of the Ephraim Black," I explained, my voice terse.

"We have to follow her."

"We can't, Emmett. If we do we start a war," Jasper said quietly.

"What if they're the ones hurting her?"

"I don't think they are. She's connected with Jacob Black, truly. I believe they're friends. I could sense it when you were speaking with her, Edward. When she explained the cliff diving and Jacob saving her… I felt…" Jasper paused, uneasy "I felt their bond." I stiffened at his words.

"Maybe so. I don't see him capable of harming her, anyway. At least not intentionally. But that doesn't mean she isn't in danger on their land. Wolves are temperamental and immature. They lack discipline and control."

"But we can't protect her here. You know as well as I do that crossing this line will give them what they've always wanted – it's the perfect opportunity for their new Alpha to assert his authority. The wolves would be much happier without our lingering presence affecting their daily lives."

I couldn't deny the truth in Jasper's words. I was conflicted. Should we risk crossing into their land and the chaos that would ensue as a result? Wouldn't it serve to distract us from protecting Bella? How would we divide ourselves between watching over Bella and fighting in a war with the wolves? There would be casualties if we weren't a united front.

"Stay and circle the perimeter. Stay apprised of her whereabouts. Listen for her and make sure you know when she comes and when she goes." I wasn't comfortable with this plan, but it was our only viable option.

"We'll be here. I'll call you if anything changes and she leaves."

I nodded and ran in the direction of the Forks Police Station, leaving my heart behind, in the hands of my brothers.

* * *

I paused outside the door of the Sherriff's Office, listening to the thoughts and conversations of the people inside. Mundane mutterings, nothing of interest. But before long I found what I was looking for. Charlie's thoughts, clear and loud in my head given how familiar they had become to me from my time spent with Bella.

The relief was instantaneous.

I disliked most people's minds. Humans were self-absorbed, shallow and predictable and unless it was advantageous to me I rarely took a purposeful look inside their thoughts. Today, however, I was thankful the mind I was perusing through belonged to Charlie. His thoughts were simple, honest and straightforward. He rarely thought anything he wouldn't say aloud, and many of his mind's ramblings revolved around his budding relationship with Bella.

At least, they had. I wasn't sure what I would find in his mind now that things had changed so dramatically. He had been an intimate witness to Bella's pain since I'd abandoned her. If her recount of her nightmare's and Charlie's hand in pulling her from them was accurate, I was sure I'd find a darker man inside his thoughts.

How could I not? The man loved Bella with a fierceness I admired. I imagined that knowing the person you loved most on the earth was suffering through such terrible pain would change the mind of any person.

It had changed mine. Things had shifted irreversibly inside of me after Bella had been attacked by James. I was never quite the same. Although I had witnessed my fair share of tragedy in my life, some of it at my own hands, nothing compared to watching Bella writhe in pain as the venom from James' bite began cauterizing itself into the corners of her body. Thinking I had lost her, or that I had been too late to save her had torn me into fragments, the pieces a chaotic jigsaw that could never be set right again.

I knew I would never manage to pull all of the shredded pieces of myself back together again after that moment. Nothing in my life had prepared me for loving someone so intensely that in consumed me, that it shattered me when they were harmed.

So, I paused outside of the Sheriff's Office, partly to gain a pre-emptive glance into Charlie's mind and partly because I wasn't sure I was prepared for the onslaught of his mind and his words. I knew they would accurately serve as judge and juror for the crime I'd committed in abandoning Bella and leaving her, once again, writhing in pain in the aftermath of destruction.

But I couldn't linger much longer. I had to make this quick. I needed to return to Jasper and Emmett to make sure she was safe. I pushed the door open and walked past the front reception desk before the loud sound of someone clearing their throat stopped me.

 _What does he think he's doing?_ The woman behind the front desk wasn't impressed at my boldness. It appeared my preoccupation with reading Charlie's thoughts had made me sloppy. Of course, I couldn't just waltz in here like I belonged. There were human formalities to follow. I turned to face her and offered my easiest smile, the one that made humans swoon into a dazed confusion.

"Sorry…" I glanced at her nametag "…Ms. Shumacher, I was just looking for Chief Swan and I didn't realize you were there when I walked in. It's been a long day." I continued smiling and waited for her hostility to dissipate.

"And you are…?"

"Edward Cullen, a friend the Chief's daughter."

 _Oh boy. This kid is in for a real treat! Never quite did see Charlie as angry as he was when that Bella of his was left in those woods by this kid._

I cringed at her thoughts.

"Well, he's down the hall and to the right, kid." She smiled sweetly before ducking her head down to look over the files scattered across her desk.

"Thank you."

Her directions were unnecessary, of course, because I could hear Charlie's thoughts with ease and knew where his office was. Nonetheless, it was all part of the ruse I had to grown used to maintaining. I made my way down the hall at a human pace, though my instincts were urging me to move faster – to get this over with so I could get back to watching over Bella.

I knocked on the door, a single tap, and then peered through the glass at Charlie's tired looking face. He looked… different. Older, somehow. It would be hard for human eyes to discern, but the creases on his forehead had deepened and the lines adorning his bright brown eyes had become more distinctive. His dark hair was peppered with more grays than had been there last time I'd seen him. He looked haggard and worn. Transformed – as was becoming the theme for my return to Forks.

 _No doubt the result of watching his daughter slowly fade away,_ I thought as the pain began slicing through me yet again. I pushed my own thoughts away, watching as Charlie walked toward the door.

He pulled it open and immediately anger flashed across his face as he stared at me.

"So it is true. You're back." His voice was rough and all pleasantries had been abandoned. He was merely stating an observation, one that was troubling to him.

"Yes, Chief Swan. It's good to see you." He scoffed at my words as he returned to his desk and sat down. I glanced at his office and noticed the lack of personal belongings. The only personal touch was a single photo of Bella that sat framed on his desk.

He glanced at it, pain filling his eyes as he asked, "Does she know yet?"

"Yes. She came to our home this morning," he grunted and stared at me, narrowing his eyes. He paused for a moment, thinking.

An image of Bella swaddled in a large woolen blanket flashed across his thoughts. Her body was curled into a fetal position on her bed as she stared out her bedroom window, her eyes red and puffy.

I winced at the memory but was pulled back into the moment when his gruff voice sounded through the room.

"Do you have any idea what you did to her?" His voice was empty, barely there and hardly audible. I

t was very unlike Charlie, to seem so… small.

I focused on his mind, allowing his thoughts to intertwine with my own.

Screams. Bella's screams… his panic as he rushed into her room, and the sight of her wrestling with herself as she slept, her forehead glistening with sweat and her fingers clawing at the blankets beneath her. Charlie running to her side, gently shaking her, calling her name in a calm, soothing voice. And her blank, lifeless eyes when she awoke, crumbling into sobs in his arms. Charlie holding her as she sobbed, looking momentarily unsure of what to do before rubbing small, soothing circles across her back.

The image tore through me and I had to suppress a growl. The sight was so unlike anything I'd ever witnessed between Bella and Charlie. They weren't an affectionate pair, rarely displaying their closeness through physical affection.

But things had changed, it seemed. Charlie had shifted and morphed to accommodate her suffering and his natural protective instincts had allowed him to soothe Bella in ways that had once been unfamiliar to them both.

I responded with a single word, "Yes."

 _I know what I've done to her._

His eyes narrowed again, the anger swelling inside of him as he finally came to life in front of me.

"If you know, and if you care about her at all, you'll leave Forks right now and never come back." His fingers gripped the edge of his desk as his eyes bore into mine, searching for any weakness he could exploit. He was doing what humans usually did when confronted with an enemy.

Another shift. I had become his enemy. He had never been very fond of me, to begin with, but his general dislike had morphed into hatred with time. I couldn't blame him. His anger made absolute sense. Part of me was thankful to see his reaction, to know that Bella had a protector in Charlie when I had failed at being her protector.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to matter. Something was still wrong with Bella, beyond what I had done to her. She was hiding something. I searched Charlie's mind, trying to find something that could make this hazy picture clearer. His mind was filled with images of Bella's transformation, her shift into a ghost of what she had previously been because of my absence. He was too consumed with his pain and his anger towards me to see anything beyond what was in front of him.

"I understand why you're angry with me. But I can't leave. My family and I have returned, and we plan to stay." I needed to make sure he understood that no matter how hard he pushed, we wouldn't be leaving.

This made him angrier.

"You ruined her. And now you have the gall to come back here, to wreck her all over again? How do you think she'll handle you being here again? Do you know what kind of hell she's been through since you left her? Or is it that you just don't care?"

I couldn't think of any way to atone for my sins in front of this man. He wasn't forgiving, not in the way Bella and my family had been. And I was grateful for that. I didn't deserve forgiveness. I deserved for him to unleash upon me every vile and hateful thing he could muster.

"I know. And I do care. I will regret hurting her every day for the rest of my life."

"Hell of a lot of good that'll do her. You think you can just erase what you did?"

"I know I hurt her beyond measure, but I assure you I will spend the rest of my life trying to fix what I've done. It'll never be enough and it'll never erase what I've done, but I have to try."

"Why?" He demanded, his voice rising as he stood from his chair.

"Because she is my world." Charlie laughed, his voice straining against the anger.

"You don't even know what that means. Is that what you do to someone you love? Leave them broken?" He paused, sifting through memories of his broken daughter, disintegrating in front of him with each passing day.

"Why did you do it? Why did you leave her like that?"

"I thought it was for the best. I didn't think she could ever live a full and complete life with me around."

Part of me wanted to explain every detail to Charlie, to help him understand that my love for Bella was never in question – that I had always loved her, despite how poorly my actions had displayed that love. But I was limited in what I could share with him, and fragments of the truth would have to suffice.

"I don't expect you to ever forgive me, Chief Swan. But know that I will never leave her again, not unless she orders me away. Not unless it's what she wants."

"And if she wants it, you'll leave, no questions asked?"

"Yes, without question."

"Good…" he paused for a moment, walking around his desk so he was standing inches away from me.

"I hope someone hurts you one day as much as you've hurt her." I nodded. I understood. I hoped for the very same thing.

"Why did you come here?" He demanded.

"I needed to see… to hear from you… to tell you how much I regret what I've done to Bella."

"To see?" He was shouting now, inches from my face showing no signs of backing down. It was unusual for a human to be so bold around a vampire. Usually, their natural instincts made them fearful of us. But even in searching Charlie's mind, I saw no fear in him now. Only anger.

"I need to know what I've done if I'm ever going to fix it." It was a lie, mixed with truth. It wasn't the only reason I was here, speaking with him, but it was _one_ reason – the only one he could know about.

"You want to know, huh? You want to know what you did to her. Did you know that after you left… she couldn't move from that spot in the woods? She was lost. I couldn't find her... We had a search party out in those woods to look for her. Luckily Sam found her. And thank god he did, because if she'd been out there any longer she mighta' died. He found her and carried her out of those woods and back to me. But then she didn't speak to anyone for a week. And when she finally came round she wouldn't eat. Couldn't sleep." He inched away from me, leaning against his desk, his gaze cast downward, eyes focused on the intricate patterns of the wooden floorboards.

"I didn't know…"

"No, you didn't. Because you left." His eyes filled with sadness as he continued, "She was finally getting better. She had even made some new friends. She was tryna' move on. She got real close with Jacob Black. They became good friends."

"I'm glad."

"But now it's like she's lost all over again. Even Jake can't figure out what's going on. He's tried to help her… but it's no use. She just moves around like a ghost, pretending she's fine but it's not hard to see she isn't."

"I want to help her."

"How can you help her when you're the reason this happened?"

"I'll find a way. I'll do anything." Charlie surveyed me closely, his eyes glancing over my face and taking in my body language.

 _Good. He's suffering. Let him suffer._

I welcomed his hostile thoughts. They were truthful and honest and they were what I deserved.

"Well, just so you know, you're not welcome in my house anymore. And I can't make choices for Bella, but if it were up to me, I'd make sure you never saw her again. You better watch yourself, kid. I'll be watching you and if you so much as step a toe out of line, you'll have to deal with me. I won't let you break her any more than you already have."

"Yes, sir." My voice was empty, permissive. I watched as he stiffened. His openness was fading, his walls resurfacing. It was easy to see I wouldn't be able to glean anything else from my conversation with him. And his thoughts conveyed how much he wanted me gone from his office and out of his life.

I could give him the former, in the very least.

"Sorry to have troubled you, Chief Swan. I'll show myself out now."

"Yeah, you do that." And as quickly as I stepped outside of his office the door slammed shut behind me.

* * *

 **BPOV**

Autopilot. I'd read somewhere that PTSD made survivors go into autopilot in times of danger – it was their brain's way of protecting them from trauma. Truthfully, I was grateful for it. Had it not been for autopilot taking over for me right now, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to do what needed to be done. I would have turned my truck around and made my way back to the Cullen's house, putting them all in danger, signing away their lives to powers much stronger than myself or them.

But autopilot kept me on track, made sure I did what needed to be done. It was like there wasn't much thought involved in my actions anymore, some deep, unconscious part of me was running the show.

Fine by me.

Right now, it felt like I was watching myself from above, a mere witness to the brutality of this moment.

It almost felt like it wasn't even happening to me _._

 _Almost._

But the pain and his voice always jolted me, with violence, back into reality.

"You were with them; I can smell it." I was leaning against the trunk of the tree behind me, fingers digging into the bark. We were on the outskirts of the Quileute lands, hovering on the line where their territory ended and the desolate forest began.

He had taken me here once before. He told me it would be our 'special place'. It was far enough away from the pack to make sure they didn't know what was happening and far enough away from the Cullen's land to make sure they wouldn't accidentally stumble upon us if they were to return.

"Yes. I was," I answered.

"And? How much did you say?" He spat, eyeing me with a sickening lust. I flinched away from him, hating how unpredictable he was. His anger made him reckless.

"Nothing. I said nothing."

"I hope you're telling the truth, Bella. But there's plenty of time to figure that out..." his shoulders dropped and his head fell to the side as he watched me with hungry eyes.

"Now you've kept me waiting long enough. Come here."

I was shaking as I walked toward him, exerting a great deal of effort to keep myself from running away.

It didn't matter how madly my mind protested this, survival was keeping me from running, from fighting back… from doing _something_.

Sometimes I wondered if my permissiveness made me compliant… did it mean I wanted this?

 _No._

Despite how convoluted and messy this had become I knew, deep within my core, that I didn't want this. I had been saving myself… I had always imagined that this part of me would belong to Edward and only Edward. I never wanted to give this away to anyone else.

This wasn't my choice. But the illusion of choice blurred the lines sometimes.

I could say no… but it would mean death all around me. And if I said no he promised to keep me alive, to make me watch and to let me live through it all so I would always know the pain of losing everything that ever meant anything to me.

I walked toward him, the pain of the injuries from his last brutalization of my body still sharp and fiery, burning reminders into my flesh. Every bone in my body ached. And tonight, would only be worse. He was so much angrier now that I had their scent on me, much angrier now that he knew they had returned.

I couldn't help the tears that were falling, blurring my vision so the only thing I could register was the sound of him laughing as he ran toward me.

Before I could register what was happening his fist connected with my stomach, winding me as I bent over, clutching at my abdomen trying to regain my breath.

Another fist, this time connecting with my ribcage. My body fell to the cold, hard ground with a loud thud, an echoing crunch bursting in my ears.

And then the sound of his foot connecting with my stomach,  
and the cracking of ribs as my world shifted so that I was floating above my own body, a spectator now, witnessing it from above.

I preferred it this way… disconnected and just a witness to the horror rather than an active participant.

He climbed on top of me, his massive, scorching hands pressing my wrists into the ground, pebbles of dirt digging into my permissive flesh. Restraining me was unnecessary because I had stopped fighting back long ago. I knew all too well that fighting only made it worse.

Everything that was happening to me and around me only registered in my mind in small, short clips.

His lips on me,  
traveling down my neck until he found the skin above my chest,  
where he made sure to mark me as his.  
Fingers grinding into my flesh,  
bruised flesh painting across my skin in their wake.  
Heavy breathing,  
his tongue snaking across my ear,  
stopping at the lobe to bite down  
and the smell of blood,  
my own blood mixed with his saliva.  
Fighting to suppress the urge to vomit,  
while choking back tears.

I closed my eyes, trying to fade further into the recesses of my mind. I struggled to find a safety in my thoughts… just until he was done with me tonight. My mind combed over images that brought me comfort and in the forefront of my mind I found Edward. His face, perfectly etched into my memory brought me ease. His gentle, cold hands in contrast with the rough, fiery hands that were grasping at my body with a bruising force.

Edward.

Edward.

 _Edward._

I would hold onto the image of him in my mind, I would cling to thoughts of Edward as though they were life-giving, life sustaining. I would shield myself from this moment with thoughts of what was, what could have been and what should have been.

Short, abrupt clips interrupted the images of Edward, my consciousness slipping between the present and my life sustaining distraction.

His hands,  
tugging at my jeans,  
pulling them down my legs…

I couldn't let this happen.

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

My mind filled with Edward's face again as I tried to quell the urge to fight back, to reclaim my body and try to escape.

But he was back - Edward had come back to me. I had been in his bed, wrapped in his arms only an hour before this moment. I had been wrapped in his safe, comforting embrace. He had returned to me and here I was, belonging to someone else again.

I had to fight.

The shift was palpable as autopilot shut off, leaving me in control again.

I looked up to see his face inches from mine, hands gripping at my undergarments, attempting to shred them beneath his fingers.

No.

 _No._

"NO!"

"NO!"

"NO!"

My throat was burning from the strain of screaming so forcefully. Sandpaper snaking down my windpipe, rubbing it raw from the strength of my cries.

Suddenly one of his hands was pressed tightly over my mouth, smothering any cries for help at my lips.

His hand on my thigh,  
traveling up,  
and up,  
bruising me instantly.

I squirmed, trying to see how much force I would need to remove him from on top of me.

He was so much stronger, so much larger. The heaviness of his body was crushing me, pulling the air from my lungs, leaving me breathless.

Still, his distraction was evident and I had to use it to my advantage.

I raised an arm above my head and searched for something on the dirt floor beneath me… anything I could use against him. Something that would allow me to disable him long enough to run.

My fingers wrapped around something heavy and large. A stone.

 _Yes, this will work._

I gathered the last bit of strength I had within me and smashed the rock across his face as hard as I could.

He roared in pain and rolled off me, blood pouring from the gash. I moved onto my stomach, clawing at the earth beneath me, trying to pull my body away from his.

I was dizzy with pain, certain that a few of my ribs were cracked from his kicks.

But I kept clawing away, dragging my broken body across the sand and rubble of the ground, toward my truck parked only a few metres away.

"You bitch," he roared but I kept clawing away. And then he stood, clutching his head, blood pouring through his fingers as a renewed rage ignited within him.

I kept clawing, kept going, I had to escape.

But in seconds he was back on top of me,  
violently ripping my clothes from my body,  
hands gripping my thighs,  
wrenching them apart before he brutally stole my body from me again,  
this time more violent and painful than it had ever been before.

I drifted up and away, swallowed up in my thoughts, pulled from this moment to something safer, returning only when he was done.

He grunted and laid next to me on the ground, my bare body shivering as a cool wind blew over me. I lay there, still and silent, unaware of what was happening around me before the part of me that was floating above, a mere witness to the ordeal, returned cracking open my consciousness, bringing me back to the moment with brutal force.

He groaned in pain and I glanced over, watching as clutched at his still bleeding head, muttering violent threats, moving to his feet so he was standing over top of me. The blood from his wound dripped from between his fingers, landing on me, the heat of it searing into my skin.

"You bitch. You worthless, used up whore. You did this" he yelled, pointing to the large, gaping gash that tore open his hairline.

"And now you're 'gonna have to pay for what you did, _sweetheart_ – and this time I won't go so easy on you. Are you ready for me?"

He was panting and breathing heavily as he straddled me again,  
more blood dripping from his cut onto my face, mixing with my tears to create a thin, viscous liquid.

But I pulled away, my thoughts returning to my love, my Edward. I held on to the image of him in my mind as though it was my life source. In a sense, it was. It was the very thing that held me together and kept me alive in this moment. I would stay here, in my mind, with thoughts of Edward to distract me from what was being done to my body.

 _Get up, my love. Fight. Don't let this happen. Don't let him hurt you this way._

I gasped as Edward's voice echoed through my mind, as clear and familiar as it would have been were he standing in front of me.

"What is it? You want it that badly?" His voice was a laugh, cold and abrupt, acidic as it washed over me.

"I will _never_ want you," I ground out through clenched teeth, using whatever strength I had left to try and push against his chest – to throw his body off mine.

But my attempts to fight back were interrupted by his fist connecting with my face,  
Again, again and again.

He would kill me this time.

I was sure of it.

This was where and how I would die.

If he didn't stop soon he would crack my skull open and then I'd be dead. I'd die right here, naked, bloody and bruised – discarded for Edward to find.

My vision was beginning to blur and a loud, sharp ringing sound was vibrating through my head, blocking out all other sound. My eyes grew heavy as they started to close, as I fought the urge to sleep, to allow myself to be absorbed into the darkness that was forming a brilliant halo around my vision.

But before the darkness could swallow me up I felt something fall onto my naked, battered body. My hands grasped what felt like the remainders of my clothing as I struggled to claw myself away from the darkness and back into consciousness.

"Get yourself dressed," he growled, though his words sounded muted and muffled to me I was still able to make out what he was commanding me to do. I watched with shaky vision as he paced back and forth, still clutching his bleeding face. I had no real invested interest in listening to his commands anymore, especially seeing as I would likely be dead soon, but the desire to be covered, to conceal the most private parts of myself overtook me.

With a great deal of effort and pain, I managed to dress, grunting and wincing in pain as I did.

And then I lay, in waiting.  
Waiting for him to finish me off.  
To end me.  
To end this nightmare.  
At this point I welcomed death.  
I awaited it as though it was a long-adored friend, returning to carry me away into the gentle safety of the darkness that was slowly enveloping me.

But it didn't last because I was jolted from the darkness by the feeling of his fists pounding into my face again.

And I screamed.

I screamed because it hurt and because although I wanted an out, an exit and an escape from this brutality, some other, distant and unfamiliar part of me wanted to live.

So,  
I screamed for help.  
I screamed Edward's name.

My throat was burning, my head spinning, his fists connecting with me again and again and everything was becoming darker,  
and darker,  
and darker.

But I kept screaming, as loudly and as fiercely as I could.  
I screamed until my screams were cut short and my mouth began filling with what I assumed was my own blood.

Then everything went black.

The darkness swallowed me whole.


	7. Burning

Chapter 7 - Burning

* * *

 **BPOV**

I was fading in and out. Here and there… everywhere. I wasn't sure what was happening, where I was, but I could make out the distant sound of voices. I tried to open my eyes, struggling against what felt like an incredible amount of swelling forcing them shut.

My head throbbed in an indescribable way.

My body ached in ways I had never experienced before.

I burned.

But not in the way I'd burned when James had bitten me. This burn was different. Maybe worse.

"What the fuck, man? Drive faster!"

I couldn't place that voice, although it was familiar…

"I'm driving as fast as I can without drawing any attention. How's she doing?"

"How would I know, I'm not a doctor." Emmett – that was Emmett's voice.

I tried to open my mouth to speak to him, but I couldn't. I felt myself being swallowed up again, the darkness pressing against each corner of my vision, trying to pull me down into unconsciousness again.

I fought against it. Who was he talking to? Who was he with?

"Emmett, get Carlisle on the phone, now." That was Jasper.

My entire body pulsed with the urge to speak to them, to ask if this was real of if I was dreaming… or if I was dead. Was this heaven?

No. Heaven couldn't be this painful.

"No answer. I'll try Alice."

I tried to follow what was happening around me, I could feel the car we were in jolting and shifting, each movement painful.

We must have gone over a bump, because suddenly my body was flying up from the cold leather of the seat and slamming back down into it with a loud thud.

"Ah!"

It was the only sound I could manage in this moment, but it was enough to alert them both.

"Oh shit."

"Thank God. You're awake. Bella? Can you hear me?" I felt a cold hand brush across my forehead, gently tucking my hair behind my ear. I wanted to respond, but words felt too hard, so instead I managed a weak nod.

"She's awake, Jas. She's awake!"

"Good. We'll be at the hospital in 3 minutes. This is Alice's vision, Emmett… Carlisle will be there."

"Yeah. Yeah, he'll be there and he'll know what to do."

"Is she still conscious?"

"Yeah, I think so." I nodded again, trying to convey that yes, I was still here. I was conscious. I was fighting against that darkness now, fighting to stay alive.

"I've got you, little one. Hang on." I exhaled deeply, and pushed my eyes open despite the incredible effort it required.

I was met with Emmett's face, worry etched into all of his features. I looked up at him and realized I was sitting in the back of his Jeep, my head resting against his lap with my body draped across the back seat.

"There you are, Bella. You're ok now. We've got you." The sadness in his eyes was overwhelming. I closed my own again to avoid it, willing the tears that were welling up to disappear.

"We're here." I heard the distinct sound of the car shutting off and in an instant Jasper appeared at Emmett's passenger side door.

"We're going to take her to Carlisle's office. We can't let anyone else know she's here," Jasper explained, his voice hushed as he pulled a thick blanket over my body.

Everything around me was spinning as Emmett carefully lifted me into his arms, passing me to Jasper before jumping out of the car.

Suddenly, a panic erupted inside of me. Why were they taking me to Carlisle? Did they know what happened? Did they know what I had become? Did they see him… did they know what he did to me?

I struggled against his arms, wanting him to put me down, wanting to run away… the shame inside of me overshadowing every other thought and feeling.

Edward.

Where was he?

Did he know?

 _Does he know?_

"Edward?" I struggled against the words and the sound of my own voice. Deep and raspy – unfamiliar and terrifying.

"He's on his way, Bella. Don't worry," Jasper smiled down at me, tension driven into every feature of his otherwise flawless face. He probably assumed that the thought of Edward being here would be comforting. It was exactly the opposite.

"No – no. I – I can't. He – he can't. No." I was frantic, trying to thrash against Jasper but my struggle was useless. I didn't have an ounce of strength left in me.

Slowly the world around me began to fade, my panic fading along with it.

The darkness was back.

* * *

 **CPOV**

I had spent most of my night sticking close to my office, occasionally finding an excuse to pass by it to see if Bella was there. I tended to my patients, made my rounds, socialized with other staff members and called to check in on Esme. She assured me that everything was fine at home. Alice was doing some digging, trying to see if there was anything we'd missed in local newspapers, anything that we had overlooked. Rosalie was hunting, Emmett and Jasper were trailing Bella and Edward was making his way over to the Police station to speak with Chief Swan.

All was as it should be, and yet an uneasy feeling still lingered around me.

Alice's vision had placed Bella in my office, presumably tonight, and she wouldn't be alone. What an odd thing to happen, considering that Jasper and Emmett were following Bella. How would she manage to get away from them long enough to make it all the way to my office, who would she be with – and more importantly, why?

It was no matter, really. I tried to brush it off because I had quickly learned that Alice's visions had a way of turning out, even when they seemed completely out of place and improbable.

We had all been rather hasty to dismiss Alice's vision of Edward finding a mate because it had seemed so improbable at the time. But, here we were. Edward had found his mate in Bella Swan.

"Dr. Cullen, do you think I could get something else for this pain?" My thoughts returned to the patient sitting before me. She was 5 hours post op from an appendectomy that had been performed by one of my colleagues.

The thick, sweet smell of her blood filled the room, pressing into every crevice, overshadowing the typical sterile, clinical smell of the hospital.

It didn't faze me in the same way anymore. The blood was attractive, sure, but there was rarely ever any pull to _drink_ from humans. Not since we'd dedicated ourselves so wholly to preserving human life and abstaining from the darker parts of vampire nature. I saw the sweet aroma of human blood to be a reminder of their fallibility – of how weak and in need of protection they truly were. It motivated me to preserve their lives, above all else.

"Sure, Mrs. Garcia. I'll have the nurse adjust your morphine dose, how does that sound?" I smiled at the elderly lady, glad she'd pulled through the surgery without issue.

"Thank you, dear," she croaked, a grateful smile adorning her small, round face.

I pulled the door closed behind me as I left her room, intent of finding a nurse to takeover Mrs. Garcia's care.

And then it hit me.

The strength of it was alarming.

Bella's scent filled the air with such intensity that I could only assume she must be bleeding.

I followed the scent, realizing that this was Alice's vision in action.

My course of direction changed upon that realization and in seconds I was standing outside my office, realizing that the voices I was hearing from inside the room that Alice couldn't distinguish in her vision belonged to Jasper and Emmett.

The door had been forced open, evidenced by the broken lock, and I tucked inside quickly. The scene before me stopped me where I stood, a wave of rage flooding my statue still body.

Bella was laying still and unmoving on the couch. Her frail body was wrapped in a thick blanket while Jasper and Emmett hovered protectively around her.

My brain took half a second to register the shock before my instincts to protect Bella, as her doctor, overtook all else.

In seconds, I was at her side, assessing her injuries, keeping a mental tally in my mind as I examined her.

Her face: a series of traumatic bruises, wounds, and welts. The wounds would need stitches. Emmett was holding a bloodied towel against Bella's left cheekbone, but I could see that it hadn't done anything to stem the flow of blood. I pulled his hand away, taking the bloodied towel and throwing it aside as I took stock of what had been done to her face.

In my periphery, I could see Emmett's body slump forward, his back resting against the opposite side of the couch as his hands came to his face.

 _What happened here?_

In all my years with Emmett, I had never witnessed such an emotional display of distress. Jasper was on the opposite side of the room, his body pressed against the wall behind my desk as he watched the scene unfold from a distance. I realized how overwhelming this all must have been to him – it would overwhelm any one of us, but Jasper was so new to this, and the pull to human blood was especially strong for him.

"Jasper." He was at my side in seconds.

"Yes?" His voice was strained, evidence of significant effort he was exerting to control his blood lust. There was an alarming amount of blood pooling around Bella. I assessed her again, pressing my hand against the wound on her left cheekbone, attempting to stem the flow of blood until I could get my hands on suturing supplies.

"Edward. Does he know?"

"No. We were there… waiting… watching. On the border of _their_ land. He was speaking to Chief Swan. We didn't call him when we found her because we didn't think it would be a good idea to tell him what had happened over the phone… we figured a tightly controlled set of circumstances would be… safer." Jasper's body stiffened and his eyes trained on the wall opposite him as he avoided staring at Bella.

"That was wise. He won't handle this well at all."

"He's not the only one," Emmett growled, standing to his feet in one swift motion.

"Settle yourself, Emmett. Right now, isn't the time. I need to stabilize Bella and to do that, I'll need help from both of you." I glanced up at Jasper and Emmett, trying to determine their readiness.

"What do you need?" Emmett and Jasper asked in unison.

"Jasper, go outside of the hospital, calm down and call Alice. Tell her that she needs to prepare the medical office in our home for a full trauma workup." Jasper looked shocked, his eyes full of question.

"What do you mean? Why aren't we keeping her here?"

"Do you know who did this, son?" I locked eyes with Jasper and Emmett, urging them to understand my reasoning.

"We didn't see them… but we can _smell_ them." Emmett was seething, his hands balled into tight fists at his side.

"Wolves," Jasper's rage was evident but it wasn't useful given the current circumstances. I needed them to be calm, to act rationally and to focus on the most important issue at hand. Bella was losing blood, and had a variety of traumatic injuries that needed to be attended to immediately, otherwise her condition could begin to decline rapidly.

"Yes. Wolves. And that means that we must ensure that there is no involvement from anyone else, especially Chief Swan. When we deal with this matter, we want the utmost discretion. If we treat Bella here it won't be long before word travels that someone…" I stuttered over the word, finding it difficult to vocalize "that someone _brutalised_ the Chief's daughter. Then any attempt we make at remedying our _problem_ will appear suspicious. I'm going to do as much as I can here but anything that isn't imminently urgent must wait until we get back to our own home."

"Now Jasper, go and call Alice, and then you had better call Edward. Say nothing, son. Do you understand? No matter how hard he presses only tell him that Bella needs him now and that he should return home and wait for us there. That's all."

Jasper nodded and left without another word.

"Emmett – I need you to get me some basic supplies. I need a suture kit – you'll find that in the three-tiered drawer two doors down in the supply closet…"

I rattled off a long list of things I needed himt to gather for me, and in seconds he returned with everything I had asked for.

"I need you to pull this blanket off Bella. I need to get a visual assessment of all other injuries while I suture this laceration on her face."

Emmett looked at me with pained eyes but nodded.

Now that Bella was uncovered, Emmett's pained expression made perfect sense to me.

Bella's clothing was tattered and torn and every inch of exposed skin was covered in deep, dark bruises. She was covered in large patches of blood, some of it hers, but judging by the increasing intensity of werewolf scent, I was certain some of the blood didn't belong to her. Her fingernails were bent back and bloody, dirt pressed beneath the nail beds. Her sickly thin frame appeared to be even more frail and slight when coupled with her other injuries. Never in all my years as a physician had I ever cared for anyone that had been this badly beaten before.

The urgency to care for Bella only increased as I sutured her cheek and assessed her injuries. Thankfully my hands worked quickly, 50 stitches placed in a matter of seconds.

Emmett's voice broke through my concentration "why isn't she awake, Carlisle?" his voice was devoid of emotion, each syllable weighted down by an indescribable heaviness.

"She's unconscious. I suspect a traumatic head injury, likely a concussion and possibly hemodynamic shock." I continued to work as I spoke, my hands finishing the last of the sutures on Bella's cheek, relief washing over me as I finished and stemmed the flow of blood.

"Will she… is she gonna' wake up?" Emmett's voice was lifeless, his body hunched over as he took in slow, deliberate, albeit unnecessary, breaths.

Despite wanting to protect him, and myself, from the truth in this moment, I couldn't.

"I hope so," was the only honest answer I could give him.

* * *

 **EmPOV**

When we heard it, it shook me to my core. I felt it rattle through my whole body and it felt like it would set me on fire. Bella's screams were frightening me more than anything else ever had.

Something was wrong.

Jasper and I didn't even speak, we just ran. We followed the sound and kept running and the closer we got, the more intense her scent became. The smell of Bella's blood was everywhere. It held onto everything in sight and clung to it with an intensity that scared me.

And it only made us run faster.

The other scent, the one that was mingling with Bella's was confusing. Wolves. One wolf, to be exact. We could only pick up the stench of one of them – and I wasn't sure if the smell was of someone that was helping, or of the one that had spilled her blood, to begin with.

When we finally arrived, my body froze in shock.

I wish my reaction could have been like Jaspers. He dove into action straightaway, it didn't matter that Bella's blood was everywhere, or that the pull to it was stronger than ever because it was everywhere. Jasper sprang into action and was at Bella's side in an instant.

I took a bit longer. But it wasn't because of my bloodlust. There was no way I could feel any sort of desire for Bella's blood in this moment. It was because of the devastation that was laying before me.

Bella's body was… wrecked. Her face was almost unrecognizable between the intense swelling and the blood. She was bleeding heavily and every part of her body that wasn't covered by her clothes was overwhelmed by bruises.

Her hair was matted with dirt and blood. Her hands were bleeding, scrapes and cuts all along her fingers from what I assumed was an attempt to crawl away across the dirt floor.

"She's breathing!"

Jasper's voice shook through me, pulling me out of stupor and back into the present.

I listened for the sound of her heartbeat. It was weak, weaker than it should have been, but it was there and that was good enough for now. I ran to her side, kneeling opposite to Jasper.

"What do we do?" My voice was hardly recognizable as I stared down at her broken, almost lifeless, body.

"We need to get her to the hospital. We can't take her home; her injuries are too severe." And with that Jasper stood, pulling out his cell phone from his pocket before punching a number into the keypad.

"Don't," I whispered.

Jasper paused.

"Don't?" he questioned.

"Don't call Edward. He won't be able to handle it. We need to be with him when he finds out. He'll go ballistic, man. He'll totally lose it and then he'll go all out and probably kill everyone on Quileute land."

"Can you blame him?" Jasper looked confused. I'm sure he was wondering why I was the rational one here. My moment of inaction had allowed me to collect myself enough to see things more clearly.

"Bella needs help, Jas. This isn't good. We need to hurry. We can worry about him later. But I don't know how much longer Bella can hang on…" And with that, I pulled Bella carefully into my arms and we ran toward my Jeep.

I had never moved so carefully or quickly before in my life. I watched the ground below me, trying to avoid all the obstacles I possibly could, not wanting to shift her in the slightest because I worried about hurting her or making her injuries worse.

When we arrived at my Jeep I crawled into the back seat, pulling her in and laying her across the backseat with her head on my lap. Jasper flew into the front seat, turned on the engine and drove in the direction of the hospital.

I looked down at Bella and noticed that she was still bleeding. Her blood had soaked through my shirt and was now starting to pool on my lap. I found a towel in the backseat and pressed it firmly against her cheek, trying to stop the bleeding.

"How much more blood can she lose, man?"

"I don't know," Jasper responded, his words clipped and curt.

I tried gently shaking Bella, hoping to rouse her… wishing she was awake because everything would seem so much less uncertain if she was awake. I focused on her heartbeat, her breathing, everything I could to remind myself that she was alive.

"Wolves." It was all Jasper said, but I knew exactly what he meant. The smell of wolf was oppressive. The entire car was filled with it, and it burned our throats and our nostrils, filling our senses, dulling other smells.

"They did this…" I agreed, brushing my hand across Bella's forehead, pushing the hair from out of her face and tucking it behind her ears.

I heard her heart rate increase, and we both stilled. Was she waking?

"What the fuck, man? Drive faster!"

"I'm driving as fast as I can without drawing too much attention. How's she doing?"

"How would I know. I'm not a doctor!" I felt Bella's frail body stir in my lap. Her breathing growing more laboured, her body shifting and her heart rate picking up.

 _She's waking up._

* * *

 **CPOV**

Stabilizing Bella had not been easy. It was challenging because I didn't know exactly what had happened, but also because I was largely without help. Jasper couldn't withstand the bloodlust any longer, though he'd done remarkably well until now. Emmett was distraught and struggling to control his anger as well as his own bloodlust. Nurses were intuitive, they knew what to help with and how, and the relationship was synchronous and automatic. But I couldn't ask for a nurse to help right now, we needed to be discreet.

Edward could have helped, given that he had two medical degrees and a great deal of competency as a health care practitioner. But there were two problems with soliciting his help:

He wasn't here.

And when he arrived, he would be absolutely destroyed by the sight before him.

I worked quickly because Jasper had returned to inform me that Edward was on his way home. He was, as Jasper described, incredibly distressed and quite angry with being left in the dark. I knew we would have to make it home quickly, or else he'd end up here and having Edward here, in the presence of humans to see what had been done to Bella was absolutely a worst-case scenario situation. Edward wasn't rational when it came to Bella. He was reactionary and emotional, unable to think logically more often than not because his love for Bella clouded his judgment.

I worked alone and I worked quickly. Bella had a concussion, along with a fractured nose. It was astonishing that her cheekbone hadn't been fractured, but I was grateful nonetheless that she wouldn't need surgery to repair the damage to her face. Despite being horribly bruised, deeply cut and swollen, surgery wouldn't be necessary.

I checked her vitals. They were dangerously low but I was confident it was due to blood loss. She would need a transfusion. I had Emmett use my key card to access the blood bank, picking up as much blood as he could without raising suspicion.

Bella needed intravenous fluids and a blood transfusion. I palpated her abdomen, checking for any signs of internal trauma that would need surgery to correct. If surgery was needed, it would significantly complicate matters. Our home, while well equipped, was not an operating room.

I knew Charlie would find out sooner than later, but before then my family would need time to devise a story that would satisfy his questions about what had happened to Bella. We would need to make sure he didn't know that someone did this to Bella, otherwise, it would mean exposing Charlie to the possibility of uncovering what we were, and that complication was very, very dangerous for all involved.

"What's going on?" Emmett asked nervously.

"I'm checking for internal injuries. I don't think she has any, thankfully. I can feel three or four fractured ribs. We'll need to get an x-ray, but I won't be able to do that here without alerting others."

I continued working, checking over Bella to make sure I hadn't missed the most important possible complications.

"Edward won't stop calling, Carlisle. He wants to know what's going on." Jasper's voice was filled with exhaustion and unease as he paced the length of the room, no doubt attempting to control his thirst. He was in and out while I worked, leaving when he felt like his thirst was reaching an overwhelming point, and returning when he felt he was in control again.

"Ignore him. This is more important now. We'll be home soon, and he can see Bella then." Emmett shifted uncomfortably in his position kneeling next to me, as braced against the couch.

I eyed him carefully, curious about his thoughts. He was shifting uncomfortably, and his eyes were glued to Bella's body, question and deep concern evident in his face.

"Carlisle…" Emmett began, his voice a reflection of his face "is she… was she…" he stopped before he could finish, stumbling over the words I knew he wanted to ask, but couldn't.

"I don't know, son. I won't know until we get her home. I can't perform that kind of an exam without Bella's consent."

Jasper froze in place, finally connecting with what Emmett was asking. In a matter of seconds, he flew from the room, slamming the door unnaturally hard behind him. I continued to work in silence.

It wasn't long before Emmett headed toward the door, intending to leave and join Jasper, possibly overwhelmed with his bloodlust, or with the sight of Bella. His hand rested on the door handle before I stopped him.

"Emmett – we're ready. Get Jasper – it's time to take Bella home."

* * *

I sat in the backseat with Bella, her IV resting on the garment hook in the backseat. Her head was braced against my lap and she had my full attention. I was carefully tracking her breathing and her vitals, taking care to make sure we arrived home without incident.

Emmett drove uncharacteristically slow, trying to avoid any obstacles that might cause Bella to shift in the backseat. Her condition was still quite precarious, and although transporting her home wasn't ideal, it was our only option.

I pulled my phone out and dialed Rosalie's number.

"Carlisle" her worried voice filtered through the phone and I watched as Jasper and Emmett stiffened in the front seat. We had agreed amongst ourselves before leaving the hospital that we wouldn't say anything about Bella's condition until we arrived home. Alerting Edward before we had arrived to manage his reaction was something we were adamant about avoiding.

Rosalie was the easiest person to call upon in this moment, she had grown quite adept at blocking Edward from her thoughts, and I knew I could trust her to react appropriately, to prioritize Bella's well-being above all else in this moment. She understood this better than any of us ever could. Rosalie had been subjected to the most horrific kind of violence a person could know, and although I didn't know if Bella shared in that experience, I had a dreadful suspicion that physical violence wasn't the only thing she had endured tonight.

"Rosalie, where is Edward?"

"He's at home, and I'm on my way there now… Alice called me… he's not handling this well," her voice was filled with a familiar ache.

"I know. But this is for the best. I'll need you to meet us there. Wait outside, and when we arrive I want you to take Bella and bring her upstairs into the room Alice prepared."

"Ok…" I could tell by her reply that she was confused, and I sensed a hint of fear in her voice accompanying the confusion.

"We'll need to speak with Edward right away. He'll be resistant – he'll want to see Bella himself, to hold her. But it is imperative that we speak with him before that happens."

"I don't understand Carlisle. What's going on?"

"This is as much as I can tell you right now, Rosalie. Can you manage this?"

"Yes," she answered without hesitation.

I pushed the phone back inside my pocket and rested the back of my hand against Bella's forehead. Her temperature had changed slightly, one degree higher than it had been at the hospital. I knew this wasn't a good sign – a fever could mean the onset of infection.

I exhaled sharply as I gazed out the window, my eyes fixating on the passing trees as we pulled up to the driveway of our home.

"Are you ready?" I asked Jasper and Emmett. They remained silent but nodded

. "He'll be searching our thoughts, trying to pull them apart. Resist for as long as you can. I don't want him picking up fragmented pieces of all that you've witnessed today."

"Is it OK for you to leave Bella alone to help us with Edward?" Jasper's voice was straining against the unbearable weight of everyone's emotional state as well as the overwhelming blood lust he was fighting against.

"Yes. She's stable for now. With a traumatic head injury, it's a matter of allowing her time to come back to consciousness. There isn't much that can be done to encourage her to awaken. We'll have to be patient. In any case, we won't be far. I'll be able to listen in and monitor Bella's vitals from afar."

The crackling of the gravel road beneath the tires of the Jeep worsened the anxiety I was already grappling with. I dreaded the next few moments – I wasn't prepared to deliver this kind of news to anyone, but with Edward, it would be especially painful. He had waited an entire century for Bella, only to have her ripped away from him repeatedly.

I knew this would destroy him.

I inhaled and focused on disturbing my thoughts as much as possible. I began reciting anatomical formations, starting with the brain and working my way through the rest of the human body. I gently pushed my hands beneath Bella's body, preparing to lift her out of the car.

Edward was standing outside, his body pressed against the width of a large oak tree. Rosalie was next to him, idly watching us as we pulled in.

Within seconds he was at my door, yanking it open. As quickly as he'd arrived at my door, Jasper and Emmett were at his side, pulling him away from us as he struggled against them.

"What the hell are you doing?" he roared, thrashing against Emmett's body in an attempt to get away.

I pushed past them, gently carrying Bella in my arms.

I heard Rosalie gasp, the sound momentarily freezing me in place. Rosalie rushed to my side, her eyes wide and her brow pulled into a hard line across her forehead. I heard a low growl rumble from her.

Edward was snarling, his steel jaw snapping frantically in Jasper and Emmett's direction as he continued to fight against them with such intensity that I worried he might break loose.

I ran to his side, both of my hands coming to rest on his shoulders as I urged him, through my thoughts, to calm down enough to allow me to explain. But he continued to struggle against us.

"Edward!" I roared, shaking his body, as though it would pull him back into reality.

* * *

 **EPOV**

Emmett's vice-like grip was impossible to break free from. His hands were like unbreakable steel, their hold on me keeping me from breaking free – keeping me from Bella. Jasper was attempting to manipulate my emotions, to inject calm into my frenzied state, but it was useless

I smelled Bella's blood before I saw her. I knew the car would be rolling down the driveway because I could _smell_ her.

Why could I smell her from such a distance?

My stomach churned at the thought and a shiver rolled down my spine.

When Jasper had called me to tell me to come home I'd been on my way back to the reservation. He explained that Bella was at the hospital with Emmett and Carlisle. She was injured, he'd explained, but they weren't keeping her there. They were bringing her home because it would be safer. I pressed for more information, anxiety and fear breaking through me.

Jasper's line went dead before I could continue my interrogation. In an instant, my course had changed and I was running in the direction of Forks Hospital, Jasper's instructions be damned.

Before I could gain any real speed, Alice was slamming into me from behind, her thin arms wrapping around my neck, yanking me backward.

"Get off, Alice!" I hooked my arms underneath hers and threw her small body off my own. She skidded across the ground, expertly regaining her balance before launching herself at me again.

"Listen to me, Edward!" she shrieked, clasping her tiny hands over my eyes.

"I need to see her."

"Trust me?" she whispered in my ear as she began to pull me in the direction of our home.

I cocked my head around to glance at her, and the look in her eyes stopped me in my tracks.

"What is it, Alice? What have you seen?"

She shrugged, her eyes filling with a sadness that caused the familiar churning feeling to return to my stomach.

"I can't see her if that's what you're wondering. But I… I can see Jasper's future, and it's giving me small glimpses of Bella because he's with her. I really think you need to trust Carlisle on this one, Edward. He's on his way. He'll be here soon. Trust him. Trust that." Her voice was pleading, her eyes conveying how much she was hurting, too.

"What did you see?" I was searching through her thoughts, but she was blocking me at every turn. Alice had become so adept at this that when she wanted to, she could block me completely for days on end. Usually, it was just a minor annoyance, but today it was infuriating.

"Trust me, Edward. Please?"

I stopped dead in my tracks then, my eyes locked onto Alice's.

"Is she alive?"

I didn't want the answer to that question. Part of me wanted to trust Jasper… when I'd asked him if she was still alive on the phone he'd assured me that she was, but there was something in his voice that left me with a sinking feeling. There was so much he wasn't telling me, his voice laced with an evasive edge.

"Yes," Alice offered, her hand outstretched at she mentally begged me to follow her back home.

Alice's response confirmed what I had already suspected: whatever had happened and was happening to Bella was very, very bad – possibly worse than I'd originally expected.

But she was alive.

With nothing left to fight against, with helplessness creeping up on me, I placed my hand in Alice's and ran back toward our home to wait for Carlisle to arrive with Bella.

* * *

I thrashed against Emmett, who was holding one of my arms, Jasper holding the other, with Carlisle's face inches from my own, begging me to calm down.

I snarled, my jaw snapping inches away from Carlisle's face.

"I know you need to be with her, son. But you need to listen to me first. Once you've listened, you can go. I won't stop you. But I _need_ you to listen to me first."

The agony contained within Carlisle's voice was causing the anxiety to steadily mount inside of me. I'd never heard him so panicked before. In all our years spent together, he'd never faltered, not even for a minute. And here he was, crumbling before my very eyes.

"What?" I growled out through clenched teeth. I eased up on my thrashing for the moment, trying to calm myself down enough to listen to what he had to say. I could feel waves of calm washing over me, and I let them soak into my body, allowing them to cool the anger that was bracketing against me in fiery waves.

"Bella is very badly hurt," he started, his eyes locked onto mine. He continued, his voice filled with an aching heaviness "she's been badly beaten. But she's alive, and she is stable for the moment. You need to prepare yourself for what you will see when you go to her. It isn't good, Edward."

I could hear him speaking, but it was as though the words and their accompanying meaning weren't penetrating. He was falling on deaf ears because although I could hear him, I couldn't comprehend the meaning of what he was saying.

He continued anyway, his eyes never leaving my own "She's here now because it's safer for everyone. We don't want Charlie finding out about this."

Finally, Carlisle's words and their meaning penetrated. My head snapped up and the ferociousness returned.

"Who?" My voice sounded alien to me, the rage and hatred present were erupting inside of me.

"Son, I'll tell you – but you need to act rationally. We can't have you running off, deciding to take care of this on your own. It wouldn't do anyone any good. We must know for sure before we take any action."

"Who?" I shouted, pulling against Emmett and Jasper's hold.

"We think it was one of the Quileute werewolves." Carlisle's eyes burned with anger, an unfamiliar state energy building up around him.

Before I could control it, my body shook with rage, a loud snarl ripping through me, echoing off the surrounding forestry.

I summoned my fury, channeling it into fighting against the hold my brothers had on me. In a blinding rage, I managed to rip my arm free of Jasper's hold, pulling him up by his arm and slamming his body into Emmett's, knocking them both to the ground with a deafening thud – the sound of stone scraping against stone screeching around us.

I lunged at Carlisle, grabbing hold of him, throwing him across the expanse of our driveway. His solid, stone-like body flew into a tree, a loud cracking sound thundering around us.

I pivoted and started running. I'd never experienced speed like this before, my legs carrying me with such intensity that I knew I'd make it to the reservation land before anyone could match my speed.

But before I could make it past the driveway a loud, shrill scream pulsed through my body, stopping me dead in my tracks.

 _Bella._

* * *

 **A/N:** So, things are heavy.

I know, I know. I can't even promise that they'll get much lighter any time soon - though we'll see glimpses of hope.

The two unique POVs we saw aren't going to be regulars throughout the story. A different POV will pop up every no and again, but more often than not we'll shift between Bella and Edward.


	8. Alliance

Chapter 8 – Alliance

* * *

 **BPOV**

I couldn't have contained the scream, even if I'd wanted to. It escaped my lips the moment my eyes opened to the sight of someone hunched over me, their fingers pressing against my wrist. My mind couldn't register who it was faster than it could register that this person, whoever they were, had their hands on me.

The scream ripped through me, my already raw and burning throat aching even more. I clapped my hands over my mouth, my tears spilling unwillingly.

The darkness had been so abruptly pulled out from under me, and here I was.

I focused on the face, my acute, knee-jerk reaction finally fading.

 _Rosalie?_

Rosalie was standing at least four feet away from me, her hands raised in what appeared to be a show of surrender. Her eyes were wide and filled with concern. Her lips were pressed open in an 'o' shape, her brows furrowed in contemplation.

"Bella," she whispered, frozen in place.

I started shaking – I couldn't control it. It wasn't intentional. It just took over, rolling through me in an almost rhythmic way. I registered how painful the sensation was as it awakened the rawness of my aching body. Every limb felt as though it was on fire, boiling me from the inside out.

I was burning again.

I'd managed to slow my breathing, but as soon as I felt the calmness, it was pulled out from under me.

The door to the bedroom flew open in one swift motion, the sound loud and reverberating off the surrounding walls. The shaking intensified and I shut my eyes as I stiffened, preparing for the worst.

"Bella."

Edward?

Edward.

 _Edward._

I kept my eyes shut, wondering if it was just a dream, unable to trust myself. If I opened my eyes, would it all be whisked away, leaving me alone again?

I inhaled, trying to understand what was happening around me.

I rolled through what I knew to be true, the things I could confirm with one of my senses, in order, to decipher what was real from what was not.

I could feel a glorious, soft mattress beneath me, depressing minutely beneath my slight way. I could smell the sweet, earthy aroma of cedar and burning firewood. Rosalie and Edward were here. I was in the Cullen's home.

But how had I gotten here?

My eyes flew open against my better judgement. The desire to prove that this wasn't a passing figment of my imagination won out over my desire to protect myself.

Edward was standing in the doorway of the room, Rosalie pressed against him, her hands wrapped around his biceps as she attempted to push him outside.

His eyes were coal black, his brow was pulled together in an unmistakeable gesture of agony, his hands curled into claw-like formations at his side and his body was so rigid and tense he looked like he might crack in half.

My stomach churned at the sight of him and his agony.

 _Something is wrong…_

I tried to sit more upright, to get a better look at him, but the attempt caused a short, clipped scream of agony to rush out of me. I clutched at my stomach, the pain of my movements causing everything to crash down around me.

I realized now where I was and why I was here.

Anxiety was building inside of me as my breathing became ragged and laboured. I struggled to breathe, it felt like my throat was closing in on itself.

I didn't want Edward to see me like this.

Did he know now?

Did he hate me?

Could he even stand to be near me?

As if in answer he rushed to my bedside faster than I could register, kneeling next to me. He placed my hand in his own and his eyes locked onto mine.

I cast my gaze downward, avoiding his stare. If he looked into my eyes, would he see it there, too?

I was gasping now, the fear building to an almost unmanageable head. I could feel the darkness closing in on me again, my vision blurring, my aching body protesting against the chaos and commotion.

Small shrieks were escaping my lips without my consent. The violent thrashing of my body was unbearably painful, but I couldn't control it. I wrenched my hand away from Edward's, my eyes welling with tears.

The look on his face was excruciating. His body was slouched forward, his shoulders shaking with silent, tearless sobs. His large hands were grasping the blankets covering my body. Everything about him reflected the brokenness I felt.

I wanted to out to comfort him, but I couldn't catch my breath, and the darkness was starting to swallow me completely.

I pressed against the it, pushing it away, trying to remain present. I noticed as Edward shifted away from my bedside and vaguely registered Carlisle taking his place.

"I'm sorry, Bella." Carlisle's voice was muffled and difficult to comprehend. His hand was pressed against mine, pulling it against his side, holding it in place between his ribcage and his upper arm.

A sharp pain pierced my flesh as I watched him press the needle through my skin, his finger pressing down on the plunger as a clear, colourless liquid flowed into my vein.

The heaviness of the darkness was swallowing me now. I felt the pain washing away, sliding out of my body as the weightlessness overwhelmed me.

* * *

 **EPOV**

I was on my knees, resting against Bella's bedside, unable to tear my eyes away from her. Her breathing was slow and steady, the familiar sound of her heartbeat, albeit a great deal weaker than it usually was, provided me with comfort.

"She's had a rather large dose of morphine," Carlisle explained "which should keep her resting peacefully for a while longer," I could scarcely register his voice as his own, the unfamiliar exhaustion and sadness making him unrecognizable. Even his thoughts were unfamiliar to me in this moment.

 _I'm sorry, son. I wish we could have prevented this._

I didn't take my eyes off Bella, nor did I respond to Carlisle. There was no point. There was nobody else to blame in this moment but myself.

"Edward, I'll need you to move aside for the moment. I have to take Bella's vitals and prepare her for further examination."

I nodded, standing and moving to the opposite side of the room, my eyes never leaving Bella's face.

She looked completely foreign to me now. A ghastly row of stitches across her cheekbone with a monstrous bruise forming around the cut, spilling out from behind the edges of Carlisle's perfectly precise sutures. A horrendous array of bruises and small gashes were covering the remainder of her face, and the swelling was pressing against her eyelids, obscuring her bone structure. Her normally rosy, pink lips were cracked and cut though pale white in colour, save for the small smears of blood that painted certain spots red.

My body tensed. The smell had been unrecognizable to me before this moment because I'd been blinded by my own rage and grief. I'd barely spoken to Carlisle, and it suddenly registered that I hadn't really understood the conversation we'd had outside.

He'd said a Quileute wolf had done this. When I'd heard that I didn't care which wolf it was, I immediately prepared to launch an attack – to tear every one of them to shreds.

The scent overwhelmed me now that I was more in control of my emotional state.

Werewolf, undoubtedly.

I realized how careless it had been of me to rush off, seeking revenge, without knowing enough to know who was responsible for this.

I knew that the scent didn't belong to Jacob Black, because although I'd known him before his transformation, his new werewolf scent would mix with his former human scent to create something unique. There was no trace of him here.

This brought me some measure of relief, though not enough to feel comfortable ruling him out. It was difficult to believe that whoever did this acted in isolation. How could they have not known about this?

My thoughts were interrupted by a quiet rap at the door. Carlisle turned away from Bella, glancing at me as if to defer authority to me. I could hear Jasper's thoughts outside the door, his concern centred on Bella, his mind focused on trying to help.

"Come in." My voice was gruff, and not exactly inviting, but Jasper entered nonetheless.

The sight of him reignited my internal torment. He was covered in blood – Bella's blood. His hands were bathed in it, and his gray button up shirt was soaked with it. I hissed, fighting against the urge to destroy something… someone.

"How is she?" He asked, and then I noticed Alice peek out from behind him, her small frame snaking around Jasper as she tried to catch a glimpse of me.

I thought about his question for a moment before realizing I didn't have an answer. I didn't know how she was – I had no idea. I felt like my ability to process what was happening around me was faltering, like I couldn't keep up, a completely unfamiliar and hauntingly _human_ feeling.

"She's stable, the sedation is for her benefit at this point," Carlisle explained, his back turned on all of us as he continued to work around Bella, pulling on wires and IVs.

"She's dehydrated and needed a blood transfusion after losing so much blood." Jasper noticed the bag of blood that was hooked onto the IV pole and immediately averted his eyes.

My thoughts were suddenly overwhelmed with desire, the bag of blood becoming the sole focus. I turned on my heel to face Jasper when I realized I was hearing his thoughts, the desire wasn't my own, it was his. Alice's hand was clasped around his arm as she began dragging him out of the room.

"Come with me, Jasper. Come _now_ ," she urged, her worried catching mine. A fury rose within me that I couldn't contain at the sight of Jasper struggling with his bloodlust. How could he, in this moment? Did he not understand the severity of Bella's condition? How could he pine for the bag of blood that was keeping Bella alive, when he was covered in her blood already. He had been there… he had watched it spill out of her.

"Keep him out," I roared, pushing him out of the room and slamming the door behind him. Carlisle continued to work, but spoke to me sternly.

"Jasper saved Bella's life and has spent the past hour fighting against his bloodlust. He needs to hunt now, but he's done everything he possibly can to make sure he remains in control."

I nodded, unable to reply. I knew that my outburst wasn't only a result of my frustration with Jasper, but that everything else was spilling over. I braced against the wall behind me and exhaled.

"Talk to me, Carlisle." I needed to know, to understand what was happening to my Bella. I listened for his thoughts, but he was so focused on his current task that it crowded out all other thoughts.

"She lost a lot of blood. I don't exactly know how Emmett and Jasper came upon her, and frankly I haven't had a moment to ask them. Though, I believe that information will be important later on."

I silently agreed.

"She's receiving a transfusion now. When I found her in my office, she was losing a lot of blood, and very quickly. Her facial laceration was very deep and needed suturing right away. I assessed her for a head injury and I believe she has a concussion, though a minor one. A physical examination revealed some possibly broken ribs, though I'll need an x-ray and further physical examination to confirm as much. I have concerns about internal injuries but I need a more thorough examination to assess what's happening internally."

My stomach dropped. This was only the beginning, I figured. How long had this been happening to Bella? How long had she been going through this? I couldn't make sense of any of it, no matter how hard I tried. I didn't understand why someone would do this to her.

My focus shifted when Carlisle began to admonish me from within his thoughts.

 _Edward, you need to keep it together. I understand this is unbearably painful, but you're not helping when you lose control of yourself._

"I know." I could hear the faint whispers of my family members, gathered downstairs. The panic in their voices evident. I struggled to block out their thoughts, to remain engaged with Carlisle and to focus on what he was saying. The more emotionally disturbed I became, the more difficult it became to keep track of their thoughts.

 _I haven't completed Bella's exam, Edward. I'll need to do that as soon as possible._

Carlisle's thoughts were full of an uncomfortable hesitation.

"I figured as much," I replied, searching his face in confusion, trying to understand what he wasn't conveying to me.

My urgency piqued, understanding how important it was to act quickly, we needed to make sure there wasn't anything urgent that we were missing.

"How long until she wakes up?"

"She'll probably remain sleeping until tomorrow morning. It was a large dose of morphine. To be honest, I think its best she rests as much as possible, it seems she could use it." The softness in Carlisle's voice had returned as he lovingly stroked a hand across Bella's forehead.

I felt my resolve weakening, my hands began to shake and my body felt numb. This information was too much to absorb. There was no world in which I'd imagine this horror would be inflicted on Bella. I had never thought about the possibilities… about what she might be subjected to without me there to protect her. I'd considered myself and my family to be the biggest threat to her. I had been wrong.

I flew out of the room, down the stairs and outside in seconds. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and shakily punched a number into the phone, trying my hardest to not crush it to dust in my hand.

Alice appeared next to me, her hand dropping over the phone, hitting the end button.

"You were calling the directory," she said simply "but I know the number you're looking for." Her sad eyes met my own and understanding dawned on us. This was painful for all of us, but especially for Alice and myself. We loved Bella in an extraordinary way.

Alice pulled the phone from my hand, and dialed the number, returning it to me when she was finished.

I pressed the phone to my ear, and exhaled, willing myself to calm down enough to speak.

The voice on the other end was shaky and heavy, rivaling my own.

"Hello?" came Jacob Black's gravelly voice.

"Jacob," I began, struggling to maintain my composure "it's Edward Cullen."

There was a short pause before he spoke again "I know. I'll be there in ten minutes." And with that, the other line went dead.

I looked at Alice questioningly, the conversation leaving me confused.

"I can't see them, Edward. I can't see the wolves so I don't know… but I imagine that his willingness to come here and meet you means two things: one, he already knows something is wrong and two, he's not responsible for whatever it was – otherwise he wouldn't be so willing to come face to face with a mind-reading vampire." Alice leaned against a tree stump, her sad eyes cast downwards.

Her theory made sense. Although I'd never explicitly told Jacob I could read minds, I imagine Bella would have told him, especially after he'd disclosed his own family's oddities. It made sense that he would know, and if he did it would be suicide to come here and meet me face to face.

"It could be a decoy – what if he's bringing the others? What if they're planning an attack?" I growled as I spoke, and in an instant Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett were at my side. They had been listening to our conversation from inside and the possibility of an attack from the wolves had them on high alert.

"That's a strong possibility," Jasper said, answering a question that hadn't even originally been intended for him. Emmett growled behind him.

Their thoughts were loud, clear and devastating. Images of Bella, broken on the floor of the forest, blood pooling around her overwhelmed me. Her twisted, broken body being carried in Emmett's arms… Carlisle as he sutured her, Bella uttering my name with a raw, strained voice. It was clear from their thoughts that they, like Carlisle, believed Bella had endured far more than broken bones and deep gashes.

I shuddered.

"Enough! Keep your thoughts to yourself. I can't focus." Jasper and Emmett stiffened next to me, but nodded, their thoughts filling with apologies.

"We need to prepare, in case it is a decoy and the mutts are actually planning an attack," Jasper's focused voice broke through our unintentional silence.

"Carlisle is occupied at the moment," Esme's soft voice surrounded us as she joined us outside "he's going to stay with Bella unless his help is absolutely necessary." Esme glanced at me, her soft eyes filled with worry and grief.

"Is he… can he do it alone?" I was referring to the exam, and I was sure Esme knew that.

"He's going to wait until this is over, Edward. He thinks that would be best, in case things escalate here." I nodded. I was weary at this point, not having Carlisle's calm presence to guide us through this would be difficult, but I knew it was more important that he stayed with Bella to care for her. We would have to rely on Jasper alone.

I was grateful now that she was unconscious.

"Edward, I think it's best if you greet Jacob outside. Your ability to read their minds will let us know in advance if he's truly alone. Of course, they could be hanging back in anticipation of your abilities, so Emmett, Rosalie, Esme and I will wait just behind those doors," he emphasized his point by glancing in the direction of our home.

"Alice, you stay outside with Edward. Maybe closer proximity to the wolves will help you see them?" Jasper questioned. Alice nodded, though in her thoughts she was very doubtful that anything would help her seem them. She sighed and came to stand closer to me.

"We'll be listening and waiting, Edward. At the first sign of trouble, we'll be by your side. We won't let them hurt her again."

I cringed away from Jasper, stifling a growl.

We'd already failed Bella enough. I would die a thousand times before I allowed anyone to hurt her again.

Alice stood by my side while the remainder of my family dashed inside, pulling the door closed behind them. I could hear running, two feet meeting the forest floor at a steady pace. An unnaturally fast heartbeat followed and the unmistakeable wolf stench became more potent.

I had to call upon all the strength I had in me to control my reaction. Every instinct inside of me wanted to throw myself at Jacob, to tear him to shreds. The stench of werewolf triggering my memory of Bella and the smell that was all over her.

I growled but Alice's hand thudded loudly into my chest, effectively trapping the sound inside of me. I glanced at her as she stared straight ahead, absolute fierceness registered on her face.

 _Not now, Edward,_ she chastised.

Jacob approached us no longer running but walking at a brisk pace. His hands were outstretched and his faced was filled with something unfamiliar… an unusual grimace overtaking his features.

"I'm alone," he offered, keeping his hands outstretched.

I glanced at Alice and she cocked an eyebrow at me.

I listened in on his thoughts – but stumbled over them when I realized what was contained within them.

I growled, my lips pulling back over my teeth as my body tensed, preparing to spring for Jacob.

"Edward?" Alice called after me, her confusion doing nothing to calm me. Within seconds Emmett, Rosalie, Esme and Jasper flanked me, their teeth bared and their bodies crouched into a defensive stance.

I threw my hand up, signaling them to stop. They stood, frozen in place waiting for my explanation.

"He's telling the truth," I ground out from between my clenched teeth, "he's alone."

"Then why the reaction?" Jasper whispered so quickly and quietly that I doubt Jacob could have picked it up.

"I don't know exactly how your mind reading thing works… but before you go poking around in there, let me explain." Jacob's voice was wavering and his hands remained stretched out in front of him.

My family relaxed around me, the tension lifting a fraction.

"I didn't do this to her…" he started. He had my full attention now "but I know who did." I looked at this face and examined it, noticing that large beads of tears were beginning to collect in his eyes.

 _Paul._

Several small snippets of memories flashed through his thoughts, all of them focused on Paul and Bella's tense relationship.

The silence surrounding our conversation seemed to greatly confuse my family, each of them glaring at me, waiting for an explanation.

"Jacob has a theory about who did this," I explained, running a hand through my hair "he believes it was Paul Lahote. His relationship with Bella has been strained since Bella started spending time with the pack on the reservation…"

"We can… hear each other when we're phased and in our wolf form… but Paul… he doesn't phase anymore. Not since…" Jacob stopped speaking, his hands shaking at his sides, his nostrils flared as he took deep, intentional breaths.

"He's trying to control his anger," I explained, taking advantage of my ability to read his mind to explain what was happening "Paul hasn't phased since he attacked Bella in her car three weeks ago," I growled when the memory flashed across his thoughts, becoming clearer in my mind each time he recalled it.

I felt Emmett's strong hand clamp down on my shoulder, and I realized that he was holding me in place. I didn't shake him off, knowing that in this moment I couldn't be trusted to act rationally.

Jacob shook his head, trying to shake off the memories as he struggled to compose himself.

"Today he phased, only for a quick second. I… I couldn't make any sense of his thoughts, but it shocked all of us because it's been so long since he's done it. And I saw…"

I roared, no longer able to contain my anger and charged at Jacob, leaping on top of him, my fingers clawing at his supple, permissive flesh.

Within his thoughts, I saw the glimpse he'd caught from Paul's mind.

From Paul's eyes, I saw him on top of Bella, hitting her repeatedly, her eyes rolling back into her head as she struggled to remain conscious.

But that was it. It was the only thing Jacob had seen because apparently in that moment Paul had shifted back into his human form.

I tried to control myself when I realized I was attacking Jacob, and I allowed Jasper and Emmett to pull me off him.

Jacob jumped to his feet, brushing the dirt off his body, rubbing his neck, mentally assessing the damage.

"I deserved that," he said simply.

"And more," I growled, trying to contain my rage.

Alice looked between Jacob and me, clearly confused.

"Edward, the rest of us don't understand what's happening."

Jacob cleared his throat and appraised my family before speaking.

"I was able to see a quick picture from Paul's mind before he phased back into his human form. We can only hear each other when we're in our wolf form. I saw him…" Jacob struggled with the words, anger swelling inside of him.

"What?" Alice questioned impatiently.

"Paul attacked Bella again. I could see him… _hurting_ her." Snarls erupted all around me, but Esme spoke, reminding us to stay focused.

"And now, Jacob? Where is he?" Esme questioned.

"He's gone. He broke away from our pack. We don't understand how it could happen, but he's managed to completely break away, and we can't hear him anymore. We only knew he broke away because Sam could sense the loss."

"How did this happen without you knowing?"

"Bella's been pushing me away, keeping me at a distance. I figured it was because she was all messed up because of you leaving. But then I heard you came back and Paul was really messed up about that, angrier than usual… and then he phased for the first time in weeks and it all came together for me."

"You don't think the incident in the car, and the incident today were the only times this happened, do you?" Jacob shook his head bleakly.

"Can I see her?" I was taken aback by his request. I knew he felt strongly for Bella, but I hadn't realized that he _loved_ her. It was clearer to me now that I could read his thoughts. Jacob wasn't capable of hiding much, I could see. He was pretty much an open book when it came to his thoughts, and that helped me understand that everything he'd said was truthful. He was here, speaking with us, alone, because he needed to help Bella.

"Not right now." Jacob's eyes filled with sadness, his brow furrowing and a hand coming up to rub across his face. He looked as disturbed as I felt.

"The pack is all over this. We all care a lot about Bella," Jacob explained, a dark edge to his words. "Can I just ask… what happened to her? I… I didn't get the full picture… and… well, I'm worried." His voice was filled with fear, he was afraid of my response. He didn't want to imagine what could have happened, what Paul could have done. He only caught a glimpse and it was enough for him to know that it wasn't good.

"We don't know yet. Carlisle is caring for her now," Alice spoke for me, thankfully. It gave me a few needed moments to collect my thoughts.

"We'll let you know when we know more," Esme offered, a small, half-hearted smile on her face. She was grateful to Jacob for speaking with us.

I wish I could have felt gratitude toward him, but I didn't. I knew that we were both responsible for what had happened to Bella – me for leaving her alone, unprotected, and him for leaving her unprotected though not alone.

"Is it bad?" he asked, needing to confirm his fears.

I nodded, unable to say more. Jacob growled, turned on his heel and phased into his wolf form, disappearing into the surrounding forest.

* * *

Immediately after Jacob had left I returned to Bella's room only to find Carlisle keeping vigil at her bedside. He looked anxious and tense. I could tell he desperately needed to examine Bella, to ensure there was nothing else he was missing.

I agreed. It couldn't wait any longer.

"I think you should leave, Edward," Carlisle offered gently.

 _This won't be easy, and you needn't subject yourself to it._

I shook my head once.

"I need to be here."

 _And what of Bella's privacy? It's enough that I'm doing this without her knowledge, I'm certain she'd be unhappy to know that you participated._

"I'll see it anyway – in your thoughts. At least this way I can be helpful." My voice was hard and cold. It perturbed Carlisle but he didn't say anything aloud. I could offer nothing else right now.

Carlisle nodded and moved to Bella's bedside. He pulled the cover back from her body, folding it at the bottom of the bed in a neat pile. His hands moved to the hem of her turtleneck and he lifted it with great hesitation.

I swallowed thickly, the action unnecessary but grounding all the same.

I flew to her bedside and started to help Carlisle lift her sweater.

And what we found there, against the flesh of her body, ripped at my insides, shredding them instantly. I growled, catching the sound and suppressing it before it could grow into anything else.

Her stomach was as badly battered as her face. A smattering of old and new bruises was painted across her abdomen. Beneath the neck of her turtleneck, she had been concealing finger shaped bruises.

 _Someone had choked her._

The storm brewing within me was insatiable. It was sickening, witnessing what had been done to her body. My eyes could see every small, minute detail. I could make out the bruised imprint of the toe of a shoe on her ribcage. I could tell where he'd kicked her repeatedly, cracking the bone, fracturing it. The places where the bruising was more vivid, where the delicate skin was stretching over swollen tissue – those were the places where her bones had been broken.

It only grew worse as we continued. Dark bruises lined her chest. Peeking out from behind her bra were several small welts, small enough for me to realize that those were the places where someone had sucked the skin into their mouth, leaving a wealth of bruises behind.

I growled, snarled, hissed – everything in me was fire. My icy, deadened heart was roaring to life and my body felt like it was burning again. The rage I felt was unparalleled, unlike anything else I'd ever experienced before in all my years of existence.

I couldn't fathom this. I couldn't imagine someone hurting Bella in this way. And though nothing was confirmed yet, the realization that Bella had been terribly violated was beginning to permeate my reality.

I looked at Carlisle, similar pain present in his own eyes. We remained silent because there was nothing that could be said in this moment to disrupt the anger that was blistering through us.

I wanted to conjure some alternate explanation, but I couldn't. There was no other way to explain all of this. Nothing else made sense.

Carlisle continued to work, his fingers palpating across her abdomen as he surveyed the damage mentally noting which ribs were broken and exactly where the brunt of the damage was. I listened to his thoughts, keeping my own mental tally. The anger and rage were building, boiling into the cavernous depths of my body. It was growing and multiplying, moving beyond my control. I could feel a roar building – I could feel destruction manifesting in every limb of my stone body.

Carlisle looked up momentarily and spoke to me with a complete command "get out."

His words weren't meant to be harsh, though they were. It was a warning more than anything else. My rage and pain had no place in this room right now. They weren't welcome emotions. Right now, Bella's well-being superseded everything else. And I wasn't capable of prioritizing her in this moment because my rage was too consuming.

I made to move but felt frozen in place. Stunned. Completely unmoving and unable to react. My eyes locked onto Bella's body, images flooding my mind, filling in the blanks. Assessing exactly how she'd received every cut, bruise, break…

"Come."

Alice's voice engulfed me. Her tiny hands wrapped around my wrists, pulling me with a great deal of effort.

The calm in her face, in her voice, in her thoughts… it was helpful. But it wasn't enough. I was torn between the desire to never again leave Bella's side, and the need to unleash some of the rage that was corroding away at me.

I wasn't of any use to anyone when I was this out of control. I felt like I had as a newborn again, only my focus wasn't drinking, or thirst. It was revenge. It was the total and absolute obliteration of whoever had done this to my sweet, beautiful Bella.

"You aren't helping anyone here, Edward. Trust me." Alice tugged again, pulling me with slightly more force this time.

"Trust me?" She squared her body in front of mine, and although she was too tiny to fully obstruct my view of Bella, she was enough of a distraction to pull me out of my stupor.

"Look into my eyes…" she whispered. My eyes locked onto her own, and in them, I found pain, anguish – all of the things I was feeling. I found comfort. I didn't want to move; it went against every primal instinct in my body. And if it had been anyone else come to fetch me, I would have violently cast them out. But Alice could see what I couldn't, and in this moment I had to trust that.

"This is better, Edward. I promise." Her hands slipped from my wrists and locked around my fingers. This time, she gently pulled, probably already knowing that I would follow.

And I did.

* * *

It wasn't long before Emmett came to fetch Alice and me from the woods. He seemed absolutely unconcerned with the destruction that surrounded us. Trees shattered, roots torn from the ground, boulders smashed into thousands of tiny pebbles – the manifestations of only a fraction of my rage.

Alice sat on a branch high up in a tree, her knees pulled to her chest as she looked down on me from above. I leaned against the base of it, my eyes pressed closed and my body slack against the trunk of the tree now that my tirade was over.

Emmett's eyes were the sadder than I could describe. No doubt Carlisle had shared with the rest of the family what he thought had happened to Bella. I knew he already suspected as much, but there was no way to confirm it completely. With each discovery, we came closer to confirmation and that was painful for all of us.

Emmett looked around, a knowing look on his face.

 _I get it, man._

I pushed off of the tree and came to stand next to him. I suppose he did get this, to some degree. With everything that had happened to Rosalie before she had changed – when Emmett found out, it had nearly destroyed him. It was years of anger and rage and it bubbled out into every facet of his life. He had eventually moved beyond it, though it still clouded much of their relationship.

"They're ready for us," Alice declared, jumping down from the branch to join us. Emmett nodded, confirming why he was here.

I searched Emmett's thoughts for any information he might have – anything that Carlisle might have shared with him, but there was nothing. His thoughts relayed a brief conversation where Carlisle emerged from Bella's room, asking that Emmett find me and bring me back.

We ran back keeping an unusually fast pace, even for us. We arrived back home in a matter of seconds. I wasted no time, bounding through the open upper floor window into our family sitting room.

I searched Carlisle's thoughts, but to no avail. He was blocking me.

"We must respect Bella's privacy in whatever way we can, Edward. I don't think it's right for me to allow you to see what I've seen." His hands were folded across his lap as he sat in the pristine beige leather chair.

"My main concern is infection, the possible damage to her esophagus and vocal cords, and her fractured ribs. Based on my physical assessment I don't think her fractures punctured her lungs or anywhere else. I'm confident she has a semi-severe concussion. I'm monitoring her blood transfusion and we're infusing her with Ringer's lactate to ensure she remains hydrated." Carlisle's eyes avoided my own. I knew this was immeasurably painful for him.

"Anything else?" I strained against the words, bracing myself for what he would say.

"I can't do any further examinations without Bella's consent. But I think a vaginal exam is necessary and I don't think we can put it off for very long." His voice was hard, stone-like and devoid of emotion. I knew he was taking on this demeanor as a tool for self-preservation. He couldn't properly care for Bella unless he detached himself in the hardest moments. Like now. This moment was hard beyond description.

And there was something he wasn't telling me, something he was concealing from me. I knew better than to push for that information right now. I surrendered to Carlisle for the moment, though I knew I would have to question him about it later.

"Can we let her rest a while longer?"

"Yes. But we'll have to broach the subject with her as soon as she awakens. I'm not comfortable putting this off any longer."

Neither was I.


	9. Safe

Chapter 9 – Safe

 **BPOV**

I opened my eyes only to be greeted by the most unbelievable thing in the world: Edward. I was laying in an soft, plush bed, a thick comforter weighting my body down. The room smelled again like cedar and burning wood, the familiar scents wrapping themselves around me. My brief moment of disorientation was quickly subsiding and I now understood where I was.

I was in Edward's home again, but not in his room this time. I was laying on what appeared to be a hospital bed, the back slightly elevated. I turned to glance around me, only to feel a tug of resistance pulling at my nose. I reached a wary hand up and felt plastic tubing wrapped around my ears with two plastic prongs sitting just inside my nostrils. It hurt. It wasn't unbearable, just annoying – more of a nuisance than anything else.

Then I noticed another tug of resistance, this time coming from my hand. An IV tube was buried into the pale, almost translucent flesh of my hand, and I followed the tubing until I saw the silver IV pole sitting next to the bed, three bags filled hanging off of it.

I shuddered as a cold breeze blew over me. The shiver tensed all of the muscles in my body which caused a rush of pain to wash over me. Everything hurt. Not just a simple, dull ache, either. But a glaring, obvious, overwhelming kind of pain that made my stomach feel queasy. I was sure that the pain was dulled by something, though. Or maybe I just wasn't conscious enough to fully register it. The sharpness was toned down, almost blunted.

Realization quickly dawned on me as my mind played over the scene of Carlisle clasping my hand in his own, the clear liquid filled needle being pushed into my arm, and then darkness following.

I was panicking… then Carlisle sedated me.

That explained the dullness of my pain.

And it was probably for the best, too. I couldn't imagine the agony I would be faced with if I wasn't coming out of sedation.

I was horrified. I frantically looked around me, my anxiety mounting. Edward was sitting next to the bed on a small stool, his eyes pulling at the corners, as he offered me a small, half-hearted smile. My needleless hand was resting in his. He surveyed me, his jaw set into a hard line.

And as if on cue, images of Paul's face flooded my mind, but they were incoherent and hard to understand. I couldn't place them. I knew what he'd been doing… but I didn't understand how that related to this moment… why was I here?

I gasped, horror coursing through me – I wanted to be anywhere but in my body. How had I gotten here? That part was foggy, and I couldn't remember it clearly. My memory was filled with muddy images, obscure and difficult to decipher.

"How…" I stopped when my voice rang in my ears. It was low and gruff, filled with exhaustion and strain.

Edward's eyes lit briefly as his tensed jaw loosened a bit, the sound of my voice obviously bringing him comfort.

"How did you get here?" Carlisle finished my question for me, stepping into my line of sight.

I tensed at the sight of him. If he was here… did that mean?

As though he could sense the panic building in me, Carlisle moved closer to my bedside, a small, hesitant smile on his face.

"Bella, try to relax. I've given you some morphine to help with the pain and you have a concussion – both of those things might make your memory foggy. That's to be expected."

I nodded, unable to say anything else.

"Love," Edward's strained voice started "Jasper and Emmett found you…" he trailed off, his eyes casting downward for a brief moment before he continued "do you remember that?"

I thought about it… did I remember that? I tried to search my mind, but the details were murky. It was as though a thick layer of grime was covering my memories, if I tried hard enough I could begin to pull back the layers of filth, but the process was so arduous and draining that I had to stop.

I shook my head once, Edward's face drawing down into a frown. I looked at him, trying to understand what was happening.

I sighed and pressed my head back into the soft pillow, mentally assessing my physical well-being. If I was here, in a hospital bed in the Cullen's home with a concussion and in need of morphine, things couldn't be looking so great for me right now.

An uncomfortable ache was humming throughout my entire body, even when I lay perfectly still. I started from my head, lightly tracing my fingertips across my scalp, and then over my face.

Despite the drugs, my head was throbbing and the room felt like it was spinning, though that sensation was minor. My face was sore, the skin of it felt like it was pulled tightly – too tightly – over my aching bones. I traced the contours of it, noting that it was very, very swollen with a gauze bandage covering what I was certain was a nasty gash. My hand fell to my dry, cracked lips. The skin was so taught it was difficult to smile.

My hand dropped lower again, resting on my neck and an uncomfortable sensation bubbled in my stomach when I realized that I wasn't wearing my turtleneck. Instead I was dressed in a plain blue, loose-fitting nightgown. I glanced at Edward, my eyes meeting his own in a sort of understanding.

His gaze softened as he squeezed my hand in his, his thumb gliding gently across my fingers.

"It's ok, love" he whispered so softly I'd barely heard the words. I sucked in a deep breath at the sight of the overwhelming sadness that rested in his face. He looked older than his frozen at 17 years old body would normally have me believe. Today, his eyes were a reflection of his true age.

My heart throbbed again, and my stomach was clenching and felt like it might disintegrate.

If Edward could see my neck, and the finger shaped bruises that covered it, did that mean he knew?

Tears welled in my eyes at the thought. A sudden need to leave – to run away – washed over me. This wasn't safe. They couldn't know. The unknown was beginning to overwhelm me. He could see my neck; he could see the bruises. What did he think had happened? A few cuts on my face and some indeterminate bruises were much easier to explain away that the deep, purplish bruises on my neck that were clearly left behind by someone else's hands.

And really, what _had_ happened to land me here? How had I ended up here and why didn't I remember? I knew it was Paul… I knew he was behind this. But I couldn't conjure the memories well enough to figure out what he'd done this time.

My body felt worse than it ever had. He'd been brutal before, but never like this.

In a panic, I pulled my hand away from Edward's, grabbing at the tubes in my nose, yanking them out and throwing them off the bed. Carlisle caught the plastic tubing before it reached the ground and took a cautious step toward me.

But I continued my efforts, forcing my body upright but immediately regretting the decision when I was blinded by incredible pain that had me slamming back down onto the bed in agony.

Edward jumped up from his seat beside me, a low hiss escaping his mouth as hovered over me protectively. Carlisle's hand came to rest on his shoulder as he pushed him back down into the seat before rushing to my bedside.

Carlisle surveyed me for a long moment before speaking in a low, gentle tone.

"Bella, do you remember anything?" I looked around frantically, trying to right myself, trying to understand what had happened.

I shook my head, terrified at the murky haze that had overtaken my memories.

"That must be quite frightening," he started, moving around me with great caution. He pulled the wire tubing back around my ears, placing the two prongs back into my nose before I could protest.

My body was shaking, I realized. A low vibration rolling through me. I tried to stop, to tense my muscles, but the vibrations were uncontrollable and so much stronger than I was in this moment.

"I – I should go," I muttered, my throat stinging as I spoke. I watched as a knowing look crossed Edward's face and he cocked his head slightly to the left, Carlisle nodding in agreement.

"If that's what you'd like, I understand that, Bella. I'm working on it, I assure you. I know you're probably anxious to return home, to be amongst your own things…" Carlisle's voice trailed off, his eyes locked onto my face.

I gasped.

 _Charlie._

Edward's jaw tensed again, and he moved closer to my bedside, reaching his hand out in a gesture of support. I pulled my hand tighter to my chest, unable to face him.

"Charlie?" I groaned out.

"Don't worry about that now, love."

I shook my head. I needed to know.

"Esme's been keeping in touch with him. As far as he's concerned you took a terrible spill off the edge of a cliff near the Quileute lands. He was very eager to see you, he insisted that we allow him to come visit, but we've managed to keep him at bay by assuring him that you really need your rest, that you're safe and in great hands here." Carlisle moved across the room while speaking, his hands preparing something on a silver tray in the corner, just out of my sight.

"Is that…" I stuttered over the words, the pain in my throat growing worse with each word I spoke "is that what happened to me?"

Edward shook his head, confirming my fears.

"No."

My fingers grasped at the comforter that was covering my body.

"I don't remember," I whispered, my eyes avoiding Edward's.

"That's ok, love," the strain in his voice was wounding.

I could hear his pain – every facet and nuance of it.

It was so thick and consuming that I felt like it was clinging to me,

pulling me underwater,

filling my lungs,

suffocating me.

Carlisle returned to my bedside, his hand outstretched, two round, pills sitting in the palm of one hand and a glass of water in the other.

I looked at him, unsure.

"These are antibiotics. They will help prevent infection," he explained, dropping the pills into my hand.

I drank down the medicine, gagging and coughing when I tried to push the pills past my throat. It was an immense effort to swallow, it seemed and I couldn't understand why.

"There is some damage to your esophagus and vocal cords, Bella. You'll find speaking to be somewhat painful, as well as swallowing and eating."

I shut my eyes tightly, sighing and nodding.

Carlisle pulled a stool out from beneath a desk in the corner and sat next to me. He pulled his stethoscope from around his neck and held it in his outstretched hand.

"I want you to listen to your heart for me."

I looked at him, confusion spreading across my face.

"Trust me?" he begged, and I nodded, doubtful that I really had any choice at all.

He helped me fix the ear pieces in my ears and took the diaphragm, positioning it above my clothes exactly where my heart was situated, beneath my ribs.

I listened, still uncertain, but willing to go along with whatever it was Carlisle was trying to do. It wasn't as though I could wind up any more confused than I already was.

I heard a dull, rhythmic, thumping sound.

"That," Carlisle said, pulling the stethoscope from my ears and wrapping it around his neck in one swift motion "is your heartbeat, Bella… your heart is such an important and vital part of being human, of being _alive_. Vampire hearts no longer beat, not needing to circulate blood throughout our bodies, and we can hear your heart beat with our ears alone. A stethoscope is usually quite unnecessary for vampires because our hearing is so proficient." I nodded, intrigued. Where was he going with this?

"When Jasper and Emmett found you in the forest on the Quileute lands, your heartbeat was so weak, so precarious that they thought they would lose you on the drive to the hospital…" I blanched at his words, my eyes welling up with tears – partly because I couldn't remember what had happened to me, but mostly because I knew now that he knew, or had some idea, at least.

And I also knew that despite not fully remembering what had happened to leave me so horribly battered, it was further confirmation that it _was_ him. Paul.

The tears kept falling, like a rising crescendo they built up inside of me, pouring out of me in an uncontrollable way.

"It is so very important that we know who did this to you. If we don't know who did this, or what happened, we can't protect you, Bella. We want nothing more than to keep you safe."

I shook my head, clinging to my refusal as though it would keep the truth at bay.

"I don't remember," I choked out.

"We know, love." Edward sounded awful. His voice was tight, and his body was completely rigid though I knew he was trying to appear composed. For me.

"Of course we know that you're having trouble recalling the events that transpired most recently," Carlisle agreed "but I don't believe this was the first incident."

I shook my head, trying to show how fiercely I disagreed with his assessment. They still didn't know exactly what had happened, or who had done it. They were operating on assumptions at this point, and I was not about to confirm any of their suspicions. As it was, I knew they were likely all in danger, but I couldn't put them at even greater risk by directly involving them in this.

Lying would protect them, I just had to find a convincing way to do it.

I shrank in the bed when I noticed Edward and Carlisle appraising me reservedly. Their eyes found my face and remained there, dissecting every muscle twitch and grimace as though the answers were buried somewhere in my face.

I reached up and traced a finger along my aching jawbone - I suppose the answers could be found in my face… and my neck, and everywhere else on my body.

My stomach churned at the thought, the blurriness creeping into the corners of my vision as my head began to throb more painfully. Before I could contain it, I was crying out in anguish as I leaned over the side of the bed, vomiting into the wastebasket that Edward was holding out for me.

Edward's cool hand came to rest across the back of my neck as his free hand tied my hair at the base of my neck. I wanted to refuse his help, to save him the hassle of having to be near me in this moment, but I couldn't summon the energy to shoo him away.

They waited for my retching to stop and then Carlisle held me by the shoulders, slowly positioning my body back onto the bed and resting me against several pillows. It was painful but I bit back the sobs, not wanting to draw any more attention to myself than I already had.

Carlisle sighed as he swiped a hand across his furrowed brow.

"I'm sorry that's so painful for you, Bella."

"I'm fine…" I assured him. But he looked unconvinced.

"I know this won't be easy for you to hear, but it's important nonetheless. While you were unconscious, I had to examine you to make sure you didn't have any internal injuries or any other injuries that needed my attention."

I felt the bile rising in my throat again, but I managed to supress the urge to vomit. I glanced away from them, sinking further down into the bed, my eyes locked on my hands that were sitting clasped atop the covers.

"I only examined what would be visible to me were you wearing a swim top and pants. I would never invade your privacy by examining you anywhere else unless I felt it was the difference between life and death. Unfortunately, I felt it was necessary to physically examine the rest of you, particularly your abdomen as I was concerned that you could have internal bleeding or more extensive injuries." I cringed away from Carlisle. All of my fears were absolutely confirmed. I glanced at Edward, my eyes darting away when his own found my face.

As if in answer to my silent question Carlisle spoke "Edward wasn't present, Bella – if that's what you're wondering?" I remained completely motionless, not confirming nor denying Carlisle's suggestion. I remained still while Edward and Carlisle regarded me, their eyes searching my face again.

"Bella, you have three fractured ribs, a broken nose and damage to your vocal cords and esophagus, likely from being choked. The wound on your face was so extensive and serious that it required many stitches and you lost a great deal of blood on the ride to the hospital with Jasper and Emmett."

All of the air was suddenly sucked from the room. I inhaled sharply, but felt completely breathless despite my efforts to breath. I felt winded – totally caught off guard and completely unprepared to face this barrage of questions.

I needed to explain this away – and fast.

"I – I must have fallen, like you told Charlie" I muttered, my voice straining against the pain.

"Bella, a fall wouldn't have caused these kinds of injuries," Edward sighed, suppressing what I thought sounded like a growl. I glanced up at him, noting the sadness and disappointment in his eyes, taking in all of his features, carefully calibrating a new image of his perfection in my mind.

I would need it.

"I'd like to leave, Carlisle," I whispered, attempting to sound sure of myself, but unable to muster anything more than a soft utterance because of the ache.

"No," Edward said simply, standing to his feet as he began to pace the length of the room. The sureness of his reply startled me. He was determined to do what he thought would keep me safe, but I was equally as determined to do the same.

I would keep him safe.

I would keep them all safe.

"Edward is right. That isn't a good idea. You're badly injured, and you need consistent monitoring. You have a concussion that needs to be monitored day and night and you're fresh from receiving a blood transfusion. It would be catastrophically unsafe for you to leave now."

"I don't care," I said, biting at my bottom lip but regretting it immediately when fresh blood began to brim at the barely-healed cut on my lip. I sucked the blood into my mouth, despite the revolting taste.

"You can't leave," Edward roared, his eyes wide and wild. I tensed, my body rigid at the sound of his raised voice. I could sense that he immediately regretted his outburst.

"I'm sorry," he offered, sitting down next to me and pulling my hand into his own. He turned to face Carlisle, still grasping my hand.

"Can you give us a moment please, Carlisle?" he asked, his voice whisper soft. Carlisle nodded and walked from the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

I braced myself, preparing for an onslaught of questions. But they never came. Edward held my hand in his, and his eyes were locked on to my face. He stayed like that for a very long time, surveying me carefully, his eyes gentle and tender.

I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him, to stroke his picture-perfect face and feel his perfectly smooth skin in the palm of my hand.

But I couldn't move. I was frozen in place, still confused, still in shock and still overwhelmed.

Edward moved, very slowly, from his chair and onto my bed, positioning his body next to mine. I stiffened and I could see him mirror my action as a response. He remained unmoving for a moment, perhaps allowing me time to adjust to his physical presence.

Seconds later he was moving again, pressing his body against my own. His arm came to rest, very gently, across my back and he cautiously pulled me against him.

I couldn't fight it. Every part of me, all of the aching inches of my body, curled into Edward as I groaned in pain. He pulled my head onto his chest, his arms wrapping around my body as though to shield me from any harm.

I inhaled, pushing all other thoughts out of my head and focusing only on the feeling of being in Edward's arms, the feeling of being safe.

* * *

 **EPOV**

She had fallen asleep in my arms in a matter of seconds. A side effect of the morphine, no doubt, was tiredness. It didn't help that she was incredibly weak and still very fragile.

The conversation with Carlisle was going nowhere, and I could sense it from the onset. I knew Bella well – well enough to know that when she had decided upon something it was almost impossible to deter her from the course she set for herself. And she had decided that shielding us from the truth was more important than preserving her own safety. It would take a lot more than a frank conversation to convince her otherwise.

Carlisle had done perfectly well. We had agreed beforehand that the best approach would be total honesty, to hold nothing back and hope that concern for her own well-being would convince her to share what had happened.

It hadn't worked. Not even close. Bella remained as tightly closed off as ever, almost as though her determination to hide the truth had been renewed as a result of Carlisle's efforts.

It seemed there was nothing left to do, but to hold her.

Small tremors had been pulsing through her throughout the entire conversation with Carlisle. Her small, bruised hands couldn't remain still, not even for a moment. Her face was badly battered, and it looked worse and even more tender today than it had yesterday. Now that she was awake, the animations of her body only served to further amplify the severity of her injuries.

She couldn't keep food down and her ability to talk was seriously dampened by the damage to her vocal cords. All attempts to coax her into honesty were backfiring and I could see her erecting even higher walls to keep us at bay.

And so I held her, in my arms. I needed her to feel safe, I needed her to feel like she would be OK, like I could offer her that reprieve. I wanted her to relax, I didn't want her to feel like she had been backed into a corner by everyone she trusted. She needed to know that I would protect her, that I was here now and I wouldn't allow her to be harmed ever again.

* * *

Bella was tossing in her sleep and a light sheen of sweat was beginning to accumulate on her brow. Her eyes, swollen and puffy from the damage he did to her face, were shut tightly, the swelling nearly swallowing them whole on her small, delicate face.

Her tiny hands gripped the covers. It was a slow progression, a painfully long ordeal that she was suffering through. Her nightmares would rise and fall, pushing her in and out of restful sleep. I let her rest, knowing that startling her out of a nightmare might cause more confusion and panic. But it was difficult – knowing she might be reliving these unthinkable horrors, that she had no escape from this darkness, even in her slumber.

As the night wore on Carlisle stopped in periodically to check her vitals and assess her overall well-being. Each time he came – which was hourly on the dot, I could see the anxiety building higher and higher. I sensed the urgency, and I understood it, but I couldn't wake Bella; I couldn't force her to face this anymore than I could force myself to face it. At least here, asleep in my arms, she wasn't protesting, plotting her escape or overwhelmed by the reality of what was happening around her.

I heard Alice approaching the door before she even knocked. Her usually light and fluttery steps were different now, somehow heavier and less weightless. I presumed we all felt similarly, the reality of these past few months settling deep into our psyche as each second ticked past. Our minds were capable of processing information at unparalleled rates, and this was no exception. What would have taken anyone else days to piece together, we were able to understand in mere minutes. I knew that there would be much discussion amongst my family about the possibilities of what could have happened to Bella, about the parts we still didn't know clearly. I caught the odd thought from each of them, but the loudest and most difficult to turn off were Jasper's. He was planning our retaliation, organizing a hunting party – thinking of ways to align ourselves with the wolves in order to find Paul and bring him to justice.

For the most part, I had to block him out. His thoughts triggered the deep rage inside of me that I was desperately trying to keep in check. Alice had attempted several times to distract him, to encourage him to hunt, to get him out of the house. But he refused.

"Come in, Alice." I heard her pacing in front of the door. She opened the door and revealed a much more worn and haggard version of herself than I was used to seeing. It was startling.

"Alice?" I shifted, ever so slightly in the bed, worried that some imminent danger was approaching.

"I can't see her," she complained, her hands tugging at the ends of her jet black hair.

"I know. I've been listening to your thoughts to see if you've caught any clues."

"I don't understand, Edward. Why can't I see her? He isn't here right now. He's not with her. Why is she still shrouded in their haze?"

Alice sat swiftly in the chair across from me, the one Carlisle had sat in earlier today when he was questioning Bella.

"I don't know. Did you speak with Carlisle?"

I knew the answer but figured the rest of my family would be listening in and would benefit from the conversation being had aloud.

"Yes. He doesn't have any theories. It doesn't make any sense. I couldn't see anything when Jacob was here. But that made sense. He was here, right in front of us. But now… I can't see Bella."

"But you can see me?"

"Yes. Which is why I'm here. I think Bella will wake up soon, and I think she'll need my help."

I quickly scanned Alice's thoughts and nodded in agreement.

I saw a short, clipped picture of me, leaving the room, pulling the door shut behind me. I could hear Bella's voice, but I couldn't see her. Again, it was a vision of my future, not of Bella's.

As if on cue, Bella stirred, more abruptly this time.

"No." The sound was so ragged and clipped, it sounded as though she was being cut off prematurely, physically unable to finish.

"No, no, no. Edward."

Bella stirred again, clutching against the sheets as her nightmare-fuelled panic continued to build. I rested a single hand against her cheek, my eyes glued to her anguished face.

"Pa- Paul. NO!"

Her breathing was growing more and more laboured as the nightmare continued on. I heard Alice shift uncomfortably in the corner, pushing herself back against the wall as much as she could.

Bella's eyes flew open, terror evident in every movement of her body.

"Bella, it's me, love. It's Edward," I cooed softly, pressing my hands against her own. Her head snapped in my direction as she stared in my eyes, confusion spread across her face.

"Ed – Edward?" Her voice was so strained, more than it had been earlier today.

"Yes love, it's me. And Alice is here, too."

"Alice?" Belle croaked, her eyes scanning the room before falling on Alice's small frame tucked away in the corner.

"I'm here," Alice said softly, coming to Bella's bedside.

"You're safe," I assured her. Bella's head sunk back into the pillow, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. Alice sat on the foot of the bed, waiting for what would come next.

We sat this way for a very long time. Alice and Bella were completely still and my thumb lightly caressed Bella's unusually cold hand.

"I…" Bella started, tears now pouring down her face "I have to use the bathroom," she finished, sighing.

"Would you like my help, love?" I asked, realizing she would likely say no, but offering nonetheless.

Bella's response was almost immediate "No!" she thought for a moment before continuing "Alice?"

Alice moved to Bella's side.

"I'll leave you to it, then. I won't be far. Just downstairs, ok?" Bella's eyes cast downwards as she brushed her hand across her face, swiping at the freshly fallen tears. She nodded.

* * *

And as much as it pained me, I left her side, and walked out of the room, pulling the door shut behind me. I made a concerted effort to avoid listening, but it was difficult. I was so attuned to every movement and sound Bella made. The sounds of her body living and breathing were like a lifeline to me.

I found my family convened in the kitchen of our home, grim looks had befallen each of their faces as they sat in complete muteness and stillness.

My presence caused them to shift marginally, each of them glancing toward me as if waiting for me to speak. I surveyed each of them, noting their tired and worn looks, signifying that they were likely hungry and in need of a hunt. I knew the next few days would be tremendously difficult, with having to care for Bella and track Paul. We needed to keep our strength up.

"The rest of you need to hunt," I said curtly, resting against the countertop. Esme's eyes met my own and her thoughts were filled with overwhelming sadness.

"I don't think any of us wants to leave, Edward," Esme explained, crossing the kitchen to stand next to me.

"What we want doesn't matter right now. We need to keep up our strength."

"That's true of you as well, son," Carlisle said, running a hand idly through his platinum blonde hair.

"I'm not leaving her side." My voice was filled with unwavering resolution.

"You're coming out of months of not feeding, months of starvation. One measly meal a few days ago isn't enough to sustain you. The rest of us have fed recently enough that we can manage. We've gone months before without hunting when the need has arisen," Carlisle quipped.

"No. I'm not leaving."

I watched as Esme's body tensed next to mine. She inched closer to me before reaching down and taking my hand that had been resting on the counter in her own, turning my body to face hers. Her free hand gently pushed the hair that had been resting on my face behind my ears. The gesture was so motherly and tender that it was almost painful.

Her eyes found mine, though I intentionally averted her gaze.

"Edward…" she trailed off, continuing the conversation through her thoughts.

 _I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. I love Bella as though she were my own child and this is heart-shattering for me. I know your love for her is unparalleled._

I nodded, agreeing. This pain was tremendous.

 _Look at me, son._ Her gentle hand cupped my cheek as she softly pushed my face forward, so my eyes were locked on her own.

I felt a sob roll through my body, though it didn't come out as it would for a human. It was trapped in my chest, sitting heavily there, unable to break the surface.

Suddenly Esme's body was wrapped around my own as she pulled me into her arms. I resisted for a moment, my guilt and shame winning out over my need for comfort and compassion. But I was powerless to resist. Sitting with these feelings was destructive and consuming. Esme's embrace was the solvent that was effectively wearing away at my walls.

I crumbled into her arms before I could stop myself. I vaguely heard the sounds of chairs scraping against the marble tile floor, and noted the absence of Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper ascertaining from their thoughts that their departure was an effort to give us some privacy.

It wasn't long before I felt a firmer squeeze – Carlisle and Esme were both holding me, their thoughts filled with soft encouragement and commiseration.

 _We'll get her through this, Edward._

 _We'll make sure she's ok._

 _We'll take care of her..._

That must have been my threshold because the suggestion that we would take care of Bella caused all of my muscles to recoil, my entire body stiffening against theirs as I pulled myself away abruptly.

"I'm the reason this happened," I growled, pushing away from Carlisle and Esme.

"We'll take care of her _now?_ Now that I've left her here to endure god knows what!" I was speaking louder than I had intended, as noted by Esme's anxious glance toward the stairway.

 _I hope she can't hear this…_ Esme thought, her worried eyes trying to find mine.

"You aren't responsible for the actions of another," Carlisle insisted.

"No? Do you think this would have happened if I were here? If I hadn't left her basically for dead?"

"It does no good to dwell on what ifs, Edward. The point is Bella is here with us now, and she needs us. And we don't know if our being here would have prevented anything, son. You know that. The future is subjective; it isn't as linear as you're imagining it. If you'd stayed something else might have happened – who knows?"

I had meant to respond, to continue arguing – to insist that I was the guilty party here but my words were cut short by the sound of a strained, low shriek.

In seconds I was flying up the stairs and back into Bella's room. The bathroom door was still closed, and I could hear the sound of gasps and anxious cries.

"Alice?!" I called out, standing just outside the door. I could hear Alice shuffling, and then the tap turning on as Bella sobbed in the background.

"We're fine," Alice replied softly.

"I heard Bella yell…" I explained through the door, desperate to know what was happening.

I searched Alice's mind but she was doing a fantastic job of shutting me out. Brief glimpses weren't enough to properly decipher what was happening, or what had made Bella cry out like that.

I turned to Carlisle, who had followed right behind me when we'd heard Bella's cry. My silent stare was question enough for him as he answered me aloud.

"I think she's a great deal of pain…" he suggested, moving toward the corner of the room as he began rifling through a tray of medicine syringes and vials. He was preparing something as I sat on the stool next to Bella's bed, patiently awaiting her emergence from the restroom.

It took longer than I expected and from what I could tell, Carlisle was right. Bella was in more pain now that she had been earlier. Most movements, it seemed, were causing her to bite back whimpers of pain. Carlisle was preparing another dose of morphine, figuring that the last dose had worn off enough for her to be experiencing the full extent of her injuries. I cringed at the thought, knowing she must be in agony.

Several minutes later Bella emerged from the restroom, her hand that didn't have an IV line in it was tangled in Alice's arm as she rested most of her weight on Alice while she walked. She was limping quite noticeably and her face was contorted in pain.

I rushed to her side, pulling the IV pole along behind her, offering my arm for her to rest on. I could see her hesitation, but the pain she was feeling won out and she accepted my help. Her small arm wrapped around mine, and I noticed the small tremors that were rolling through her body. My eyes met Carlisle's briefly in question.

His brow furrowed as he slowly walked toward us, a syringe in one hand and two small, round, pills in the other.

 _The tremors are her body's reaction to the physical trauma. She's in a great deal of pain…_

I nodded so that only Carlisle could see it, focusing again on helping Bella back into the bed.

"I'm fine like this," she said quietly, rubbing a hand against her swollen and bruised neck. She was sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs dangling over the side.

Carlisle moved to her side and put the oxygen back over her ears gently pressing the prongs into her nostrils.

"I have another dose of morphine here Bella. I know you're in a lot of pain, and I think this will help."

* * *

 **BPOV**

Carlisle was right, the morphine would probably help, but to be honest, I was terrified of taking it. It brought immense relief, but it also brought a terrible haze that left me unable to think clearly let alone string together a coherent sentence. But more than my terror I was in pain. The kind of pain that is _almost_ unbearable – the kind of pain that makes your entire body seize up with the severity of it. I could feel my resolve weakening; I could feel myself caving away under the sharp pain that was radiating all around my midsection. The larger cut on my face was hot and pulsing, pain rushing in and out with each slight movement I made.

And I was growing more and more concerned about the only injury not yet attended to. The painful, deeply burning ache between my legs. Every time I moved I could feel blood seeping out of me… down there.

I was terrified of it – I didn't understand what was happening and I knew something was _wrong_. I could _feel_ something was wrong.

As much as remembering was difficult, and what had happened was unclear, the horrendous pain between my legs was a really good indication of what might have happened…

I hadn't wanted Alice's help to the restroom, but I'd had no choice. I needed to pee so badly, and there was no way I would make it to the washroom by myself in time. The possibility of wetting myself in front of everyone was more daunting than having Alice help me into the restroom. At first I'd figured I'd only need her to walk me inside, that I could maneuver myself, my IVs and IV pole once I was inside and alone.

But I couldn't. My knees were shaking so forcefully that I could barely take a step without feeling like they would give way. My midsection was in agony, and even the slightest movement felt impossible and overwhelming. Moving from standing to sitting left me completely winded.

There was no way I'd be able to do it on my own. Which wouldn't have been so devastating…

But I wasn't prepared for what I would be faced with when Alice helped me out of my pants.

Neither of us were.

I watched now as Alice anxiously buzzed in the corner, like a low-frequency humming that wouldn't rest. Her face was stricken by shock. It was the same look she'd worn in the bathroom after she helped me out of my pants. I studied her carefully as I watched her glance in Edward's direction. A moment later Edward's head cocked in her direction, and I knew they were carrying on a silent conversation.

"Alice!" Her eyes shot in my direction, panic etched into her face. "You _promised_ ," I groaned. She nodded once in my direction before bowing her head, her eyes trained on the floor.

Edward looked at Alice in frustration, his eyes meeting mine a moment later with a sudden softness.

"Bella…" he started, running a hand through his tousled hair "please don't feel as though you need to keep things from me. It's important Carlisle and I know what's happening so we can properly help you."

"There's nothing to say… I'm fine," I insisted.

"Bella, please," Edward begged.

"What Edward is trying to say is that allowing us to be part of what's happening to you, medically, doesn't mean you have to disclose anything you're uncomfortable having us know. We can take all the necessary precautions without detailing everything that happened to you."

I thought about Carlisle's words for a second, intrigued.

It was an appealing thought… being able to investigate what was happening without any of the implications to contend with.

But it wasn't long before the thought evaporated before my very eyes.

Of course, it would be confirmation of exactly what I was trying to hide. Of course, it gave them a much fuller, clearer picture. Asking for that kind of an exam was only useful here in one case. And I wasn't willing to admit that it was a necessity, not if it meant admitting what happened by default.

"I know this is difficult," Carlisle offered, his eyes softening as he came to stand next to me "but it's so incredibly important that you allow me to complete my examination. I can't help you heal properly unless I know exactly what you need to begin the healing process."

I was hit with an overwhelming wave of shock at the suggestion – at the implication. Was Carlisle suggesting he knew what happened? Or suspected it, at least?

When Alice had crouched down in the washroom to help pull my pants free from my legs she'd managed to contain her gasp, though I saw her body stiffen quite noticeably. I was confused at first, but them my eyes fell onto my own legs and her shock was well-explained.

I quietly brushed it off, pretending as though it had never happened until her eyes met mine and then I raised my index finger to my lips in a gesture that suggested silence as I mouthed "promise me?"

Alice stopped moving for a minute, her eyes locked on my own as she searched them. Seconds later she nodded and relief flooded over me.

"Bella?" Carlisle questioned, bringing me back to the present. "We can do it right here; we wouldn't even need to leave our home."

"I'm fine. I don't need it. I'm ok." I stumbled over the words, dumbstruck and unable to find an effective way to change the subject.

"You're not fine, Bella," Alice whispered, pushing away from the wall as she came to stand on the opposite side of my bed.

"Stop it, Alice."

"I can't. I'm worried. You're _hurt_ , Bella. Maybe even badly hurt. You don't need to tell us what happened, but you need to let us help you."

I felt the beginnings of tears stinging at my eyes and my hands flew up to cover my face, shame washing over me in overwhelming, indescribable waves.

"I know this is difficult, but I will be as brief as possible."

"You?" I questioned, the realization of this all suddenly dawning on me.

"Unfortunately, our need for discretion means that I can't involve any of my colleagues in this. The only qualified people here that can perform the necessary exam are myself and… Edward." Edward stiffened on the stool next to me, his body completely motionless.

"No."

"No?" Carlisle questioned, unsure of what I was saying no to.

"Not Edward."

I exhaled sharply, giving myself one last chance to back out of this – one last chance to change my mind.

I thought over the possibilities, mentally making a pros and cons list in my mind.

Con: they would know.

Pro: I wouldn't have to drown in the depths of my anxiety, terrified that something was irreparably wrong. I would know.

Con: I would know. Did I want to know?

Pro: …

Con: Edward would know.

Pro: …

Con: They would know.

I exhaled slowly, trying to pluck up the courage to do what needed to be done.

I was brave, right?

I could be brave, right?

I would be brave.

* * *

 **A/N:** This was a long one! I hope it helped propel the story forward for you a bit more. A few of you have left reviews - which is great, I love hearing your thoughts. I'll be responding to each of them as soon as possible.

A lot of this story kind of drifts out of me - it's almost as though the characters are writing it themselves. It's a good thing, but also a hard thing because it sometimes means that things move at a very different pace than I'd ideally like. This story is a slow build, and I know that can be frustrating. But stick with me - I promise it'll be worth it!

-missmarlee


	10. Revealed

Chapter 10 - Revealed

 **EPOV**

Bella's slouched frame was shaking with the force of her tremors.

"Not Edward," she whispered almost inaudibly.

I took no offense at her refusal to have me perform the exam – though I was qualified, I wasn't nearly as qualified as Carlisle. And more importantly, I wasn't sure I could handle it.

We still didn't know the entirety of what had transpired – of what Bella had endured, and I imagined this exam would be our final confirmation. This missing puzzle piece that could finally complete the unclear picture she had painted for us. I didn't think I could manage it. If I had to, of course I would find a way, but I was glad in this moment to defer to Carlisle. His experience, his gentleness, his strength – Bella needed all of those things right now. I reached a hand out toward hers, desperately needing our bodies to connect, wanting so badly to extend to her some of the strength I had left.

Bella's hand wrapped around my own, a small squeeze pulling me out of my thoughts as I glanced down at her hand wrapped in mine. My heart lightened a bit at the sight.

Her eyes remained trained on the floor as she spoke "will you stay with me?" she whispered. Her hesitation brought me a deep sadness.

I would do anything for her.

Anything.

"Yes. Of course."

With her hand clasped in mine my thumb glided over the small cuts and bruises that no doubt served as reminders to her of what she'd endured.

"Will you see?" she wondered and I knew the question carried a double meaning.

"Edward can stand at the foot of the bed with you, and he won't see anything from there," Carlisle explained.

"And I won't read his thoughts, Bella. I will respect your privacy, love." She thought for a moment before nodding once and shifting her weight further back on the bed, stifling a gasp as she moved.

"I can give you some more morphine, and I think it would help a great deal with the exam, Bella. Would you like another dose?" Bella's brow furrowed, her worry evident.

"It makes me feel… foggy…"

"Yes, it tends to have that effect. I could give you a much smaller dose, and that might help with the fogginess. It won't ease the pain as much, but it should help some and you'll still feel more alert." Bella nodded again, her free hand clutching at her ribcage as she shifted on the bed.

"Ok, Edward, would you?" Carlisle asked, handing the fluid filled syringe to me. "I'll need to prepare some things before we begin," he explained. I nodded and with that Carlisle left the room and headed toward his office.

Bella's eyes didn't meet my own as I spoke "I'll inject this straight into your IV line, love. You should feel relief almost immediately."

"Ok..." she paused for a moment, her eyes searching the room for something "Alice?" she questioned.

"She left a few minutes ago. She wanted to give you some space. Is that ok? Would you like me to call her back?"

Bella shook her head.

"The others?"

"Emmett and Jasper are outside, Rosalie and Esme went hunting and Alice is at the perimeter of the forest, near the stream that crosses our land… they wanted to afford you some privacy."

"Ok." I could sense she felt comfort in knowing she wouldn't have an audience present for the procedure. I stood next to her, holding her IV line in my hand.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes," she replied, closing her eyes tightly as my finger pressed down on the plunger, releasing the liquid into her vein. In a matter of seconds, I could see a small measure of relief wash over her body. Her tensed muscles were more relaxed; her knit brows had pulled apart a fraction so that the tight lines in her face were less noticeable.

"Better?" I asked.

"Yes. Can you help me lay down?" she whispered, guarding what remained of her tender voice. I moved to her side, and as delicately as possible helped her into a reclined position, though despite my efforts I see how horrendously painful it was for her.

She lay in silence on the bed, unmoving save for the small tremors coursing through her. She was shivering.

"Are you cold, love?"

"A bit," she admitted, her fingers picking at the threads of the blanket covering her body.

"Once Carlisle is done we'll make sure you're more comfortable, ok?" Her head rolled to the side as she shut her eyes, her shoulders rising and falling with the force of her breathing. The tension in her body was so apparent. Her anxiety was building, but I let her be, understanding that all of this was overwhelming and accepting that despite my efforts to help, there was little I could do to bring her relief in this moment.

Carlisle returned to the room with a metal tray in his hands, a pale white cloth delicately draped over the top. He rested the tray on a trolley with wheels, pulling it to the foot of Bella's bed. He left once more and wheeled a portable examination table into the room, rolling it through the door before pulling it shut behind him.

The bed was mid-sized, smaller than usual given that it was meant to be portable. It was comfortably padded in a forest green leather material. It was clinical, cold and not at all like the bed Bella was on right now.

That was the point. Carlisle wanted this exam to be as clinical as possible – he hoped it would make Bella feel more at ease and serve as less of a reminder of her trauma than it would have if he examined her on a bed.

How would she feel if she was examined in the same bed she was to sleep in tonight? I could only begin to imagine how triggering the exam would be, and Carlisle was doing everything possible to lessen the trauma of it. He positioned the examination table in the corner of the room, pulling the table next to Bella's bed before locking the wheels in place.

"How are you doing, Bella?" he asked.

She didn't respond. She lay in the same position, her eyes sealed shut, her fingers still pulling at the threads of the blanket.

Carlisle glanced my way, mentally asking me the same question.

I nodded, not willing to center my own emotions in this moment – fully realizing that if I maintained anything by a hard exterior my resolve might crack and I might fall to pieces right in front of Bella.

"I want you to remember, Bella, that you're in charge of this process. You can tell me when to stop, how this makes you feel – you're in complete control. I'm going to do my best to explain what I'm doing as I do it, but if that feels too overwhelming for you, please let me know and I can stop," he reached beneath the examination table and pulled up the stirrups up, "these two metal contraptions are stirrups. You'll place your feet in them as I examine you. Once we're done I'll remove this examination table from this room and you won't have to see it again. Does that sound ok?"

Bella exhaled loudly, nodding as she averted her eyes away from us.

The next moments passed slowly and though it was only minutes it felt much longer. Carlisle asked Bella to undress from the waist below, and she wasn't capable of doing so alone. I could see how much anxiety the suggestion evoked, and I could see how hard she was working to suppress those feelings – to make it appear as though she was perfectly fine.

"Nobody here is going to hurt you Bella, ok?"

Bella nodded, tears brimming in her eyes as she purposefully inhaled and exhaled, trying to regain a sense of calm.

"I know that you're not able to get ready for this exam alone. I can help you. Would that be ok?" Carlisle's voice was gentle, reassuring and calm. His sureness was definitely easing Bella's anxiety.

A few minutes passed before Bella spoke.

"Leave please, Edward," she whispered, moving to position herself on the side of the bed with her legs dangling over the side.

I left without hesitation, standing just outside the door, listening as Carlisle helped her undress and situate her back on the bed, draping her enough that she was able to maintain some discretion in front of me.

When I returned I had to suppress a growl – Bella's feet were in the stirrups, a thin cotton sheet draped over, covering most of her body. She was shivering uncontrollably. Her legs were shaking and her teeth were nearly chattering with the force of the tremors.

 _She's cold, Edward. But she's also emaciated and probably malnourished. I rechecked her temperature while you were out and there's no fever. There's nothing we can do about warming her up until I've finished._

I nodded in his direction, taking a seat next to the head of the bed. Bella's eyes remained closed, her hands clasped and resting on her chest. I wasn't sure what she needed, or how to best support her. I knew from my own experience that pelvic examinations were generally quite uncomfortable for women, but this – this was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I had no frame of reference for this.

And truthfully, I was terrified of what Carlisle would find.

I had been living in an uncertain state where I could, for fleeting moments, pretend that Bella was ok, that what had happened to her wasn't as terrible as I was imagining it to be.

I was sure that was all about to come crashing down around all of us.

But I pulled myself out of my head, reminding myself that I was here to support Bella, to lend her strength – not to fall to apart.

Carlisle shuffled around in the corner before returning to Bella's bedside. He made quick work of slipping on his sterile gloves, glancing at Bella as he did so, mentally assessing her emotional well-being.

The next few minutes were agonizing. Carlisle worked quickly, but no matter how hard he tried to be gentle, the process was painful.

Bella tried to stifle her own cries going so far as to press a hand over her mouth to dull the sounds. Carlisle had started by explaining each step of the process, but stopped as soon as Bella cried out t

She wasn't listening. How could she? It was taking all the strength she had to withstand the procedure, there was no way she was able to focus on what he was telling her. When Carlisle finished with the external examination, he moved on to the internal.

The moment he started, Bella bit down on her lip in an effort to stifle the whimpers, but it barely dulled the sound.

* * *

 **BPOV**

Carlisle tried. I had to give him credit. His attempts to be considerate of my needs, to help me feel in control of the process were appreciated, but pretty ineffective. The reality remained: this exam was a necessity because something was clearly wrong. It wasn't an elective procedure, and it didn't matter if he stopped to explain every step of the procedure to me… it didn't register.

From the moment he started, the pain was indescribable. But the external examination was nothing in comparison to the internal portion.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I know this is painful."

I bit back a sob as he inserted something cold, hard and clearly metallic. I reached toward Edward finding his hand and holding on to it as tightly as I could. I pressed my other hand over my mouth, stifling the whimpers that were escaping my body unwillingly.

I was trying to stay present – fighting against the memories that were creeping into my mind, threatening to drag me away with them.

I focused on my breathing, on the room, on Edward's face… but it was useless.

The cold, hard pieces of metal that were sitting inside me were agonizing. It felt like I was being torn apart.

And I knew it wasn't Carlisle's fault. From what I could tell he was being exceedingly gentle.

"You're doing so well, Bella," Carlisle encouraged. I figured he must be finished when he came to a sudden halt, but then I felt Edward stiffen next to me and I peered back at him. His jaw was locked in a tight line, his eyes a sharp black and his body pulsing slightly.

Something was wrong. Carlisle had told him something was wrong from within his thoughts.

"What's… what is it?" My voice was low and my body completely rigid save for my shaking legs.

The room was pin-drop silent, which made Carlisle's loud exhale even more perturbing.

I looked back at Edward, but he was staring in the opposite direction, unable to maintain eye contact with me.

He was disgusted by me. Clearly this had been too much for him… it had been the last straw.

"It's ok, Bella. There is no need to panic. I think I've figured out the source of your pain and it's very manageable." I watched as Carlisle glared in Edward's direction, relaying a silent message to him. Edward's head snapped back in my direction, his eyes locking on my own.

The look I found there, in his coal-black eyes caused every muscle in my body to tighten uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry, love," he mouthed gripping my hand a bit tighter. My panic was mounting steadily and I was tired of their silent conversations that left me in the dark.

"What is it?" I demanded, a sharp edge to my ragged voice.

Carlisle paused for a long moment, apparently struggling to find the words he needed to explain what was happening.

"You have several lacerations inside of you that will require suturing, which likely explains the blood loss you've been experiencing" Carlisle explained, an apologetic, wounded look on his face.

His brilliant, bright eyes were teeming with despair.

My stomach dropped, my head began to spin and the room quickly shifted out of focus. I felt queasy, and I could feel the familiar ache in my stomach.

I swallowed thickly and wretched once before Edward had placed a basin beneath my chin, just in time for me to vomit bile into it.

Silent tears streamed down my face and I furiously rubbed at them, trying to gather my composure.

I waited for my breathing to return to a normal rate, and we all sat in silence for a few minutes. My shivering had grown worse and I could feel the deep ache of pain return to every inch of my body.

"It will be ok, Bella. You will heal. You'll be ok," Carlisle assured.

It wasn't just the intricacies of my healing that I was worried about.

I glanced at Edward, waiting to see disgust painted across his beautiful features. Surely this changed everything for him. Surely he was sickened by me now.

Now that he knew.

He knew what I was.

Who I was.

What I had become.

His eyes, however, were hollow, devoid of emotion and unreadable. They were locked on to the wall across from us as he stood stoically, unmoving.

He couldn't even look me in the eyes.

But in his face I could see it – I could sense the shift.

This was the confirmation he had been waiting for.

 _He knows._

The downward spiral of my thoughts were interrupted when Carlisle softly interjected.

"If it helps, I could sedate you for the procedure. It would mean that you fall asleep for a while and once you awaken everything would be complete and you would have gotten a few hours of rest." Carlisle shifted on the stool, pulling the drape down to cover me while we discussed the possible ways to move forward.

I thought about it for a moment. Mulled over the idea of being knocked out and drugged up. It was an escape – an easy out. It meant that I didn't have to be present in my own body. I didn't have to actively try to pull back the layers of filth that were clouding my mind to decipher the haziness of my memories.

I knew now what he had done but the haze was still there, still omnipresent. I couldn't remember exact details, but bits and pieces were floating in and out. Small reminders pulling me back into the moments earlier on the forest floor… with him.

My desperation… my will to fight, renewed by images of Edward.

"No sedation," I didn't want to be half present in my body anymore. I couldn't keep running from this. As soon as this was over… as soon as I was healed enough to leave, I would. But for now, I had to surrender to my injuries and give myself time to heal. I couldn't protect Edward and the Cullen's unless I was physically well enough to do so.

"What are my other options?"

"I can give you a local anesthetic. The needle itself will be painful but it should remove feeling in the area long enough for me to complete the procedure without causing you too much discomfort," Carlisle's voice was soft, sure and gentle. I wanted to look at him, but I was overwhelmed by the weight and strength of my shame.

"Ok," I whispered, closing my eyes as I pulled my hand from Edward's, overcome by humiliation. It was clear he didn't want to be here for this, so why should I force him?

"You don't have to stay," I offered, looking away from him.

He was pulled from his deep contemplation as his eyes captured mine in intense contemplation.

"I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to, Bella."

"You don't have to be part of this…" I trailed off, stopping myself before I could go any further. Edward pulled my hand into his, his eyes locked on to mine.

"Yes I do," he paused, running a hand through my hair, placing a soft kiss on my forehead before continuing, "I love you, Bella. You're my soul. You're my _everything._ "

My heart lifted, if only slightly.

I believed him.

He loved me.

I could do this.

I would be ok.

This would be ok.

* * *

 **EPOV**

Carlisle had made quick work of suturing Bella's injuries. I hadn't been listening as he examined her, in fact, I was doing exactly the opposite. But when he stopped abruptly and looked up at me I, started listening again.

 _There's significant tearing here,_ he explained through his thoughts.

I'd tried to reel in my anger, but apparently, I'd failed in my attempt. Bella knew right away that something was off. I could see her in my periphery, looking up from her place on the bed, trying to search my face for some clue as to what was happening.

I wanted to look at her, to reassure her in that moment, but it was taking every fibre of my being to keep control of my anger.

Finally, Carlisle explained it to Bella. He then detailed the procedure and her options, noting that she could be sedated or that she could choose a local anesthetic. She thought about it for some time and eventually decided she didn't want to be sedated.

In my own anger and rage, I'd managed to miss how much Bella needed my reassurance. I had assumed that this was difficult beyond description for her, but I hadn't imagined how many layers of pain she was working through.

She encouraged me to leave, in what I believe was an attempt to shield herself from the humiliation and shame she was feeling. I did my best to reassure her, to remind her that there was nothing in the world that could keep me from her now, not when she needed me and wanted me to be here.

Carlisle worked at unparalleled speeds. The advantages of vampirism were obvious here in his ability to finish what would take any other physician at least three-quarters of an hour in five minutes. I was grateful yet again for his skill and gentleness, and I could sense that Bella was too.

As he worked Bella pressed the palms of her hands flat against her eyes, her body shaking slightly. She remained motionless, and I didn't say a word, realizing she was probably trying to make it through this without dissolving into the pain of her memories.

When Carlisle finished, her eyes remained closed but her tears were brimming and falling freely down her battered face. She was hyperventilating and in seconds Carlisle was by her side, slipping an oxygen mask over her face.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, running a gentle hand over the top of her head. It was meant to be a loving gesture, but Bella recoiled from the touch, her body pressing closer against mine.

She pulled the mask away from her face for a moment "are we done now?" she asked, her eyes growing dark and heavy with fatigue.

Carlisle sighed.

"Nearly. I have a few questions. I know you'd like to rest, but I think it's best we get all of this out of the way first."

She nodded as she slipped the mask off of her face, laying it next to her on the bed.

"These questions will be rather difficult, Bella. But it'll help me figure out what the best course of care will be for you. I know it's uncomfortable, sharing all of this with me, and if there were any other way I assure you I would be more than happy to facilitate it. But this appears to be our only option…"

Bella nodded, her body folding in on itself more and more as each second passed.

"Ok," she sighed.

Carlisle nodded and pulled a file folder off of the trolley behind him, his pen poised above the paper.

He glanced at me, his expression intense.

 _This will be difficult. Can you manage?_

I nodded. I knew what he needed to ask. I knew this series of questions and I was dreading it for Bella. I knew it would be impossibly painful for her to answer. I gripped her hand a little tighter in my own, hoping she had at least enough strength left in her to make it through this.

"As I mentioned earlier Bella, you had some fairly serious vaginal lacerations. These are the kinds of injuries we most often see in cases where a person has been raped–" but before Carlisle could finish Bella interrupted him.

"No… no…" she stammered out "that's… that's not what happened." I looked at her worriedly. Her denial meant she was still feeling shame, and her refusal was likely an attempt to deny what Carlisle and I now knew to be true.

"Bella, I know this is difficult. It can be very painful to vocalize what has happened, but you must know that this doesn't change our opinions of you."

"No. I don't… I don't know what you're talking about." Bella had completely detached her body from mine and was sitting in a rigid position on the bed, unmoving and staring straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact.

"We don't have to discuss the details of the assaults today – "

"Assaults?!" Bella was in hysterics, her eyes widening and her body tensing.

"What I saw today in my examination leads me to believe this likely wasn't the first incident?" Carlisle framed it as a question but I could hear in his mind that he was absolutely sure of this fact.

I hadn't known. Not until he said it aloud. He had done such a good job of keeping me at a distance and forcing me out of his thoughts that I hadn't known many of the details of his examination at all – the former included.

Bella had endured this more than once?

My hand reached out, finding rest against the bedpost to steady myself and in seconds the wood was pulverized to dust by my hand.

Bella's head snapped around to investigate the source of the disturbing sound and she recoiled away from me so violently that she screamed aloud in pain.

"Bella!" I reached for her but she pulled away from me, panting now as she tried to regain control of her body.

"Don't." She raised a hand as if to emphasize the point.

"I wasn't ra… _that_ didn't happen to me," she insisted, breathing heavily through gritted teeth as she held her midsection.

"Ok, Bella. We don't have to carry on this discussion right now. We can finish it later. My major concern is considering the need for the morning after pill and screening for STIs." Bella's eyes widened and her face contorted in pain. Before I could make a move to comfort her she was shouting, her hoarse voice stumbling and cracking as she spoke.

"Get out!" she shouted, "leave me!"

Her body shook again, her sobs rolling through her in powerful waves. Carlisle stood from his chair, eyeing me carefully as he did. I remained in my position, hoping against hope that Bella didn't command me to leave, too.

My hope was quickly cut short when Bella's head lifted, her eyes meeting mine for the briefest moment.

"Go," she whispered.

I searched her face, looking for any sign that she might buckle, that she might reconsider and allow me this moment to comfort her. But she looked resolute and decided.

I hesitated for a moment but conceded when Carlisle's hand came to rest on my shoulder, a gentle pull from him directing me toward the door.

"We'll be downstairs if you need us."

* * *

Though I hadn't wanted to leave Bella's side, it quickly came to my realization that I'd missed a lot in the past several hours. So much had transpired since this entire ordeal had begun, and I'd spent most of it locked away, trying to make sure Bella would make it through this alive. That was my priority right now, above all else.

Now that I'd had some space away from Bella, and a moment to collect my thoughts, the weight of everything that was happening was beginning to crush me.

"How are you doing, Edward?" Carlisle asked, eyeing me seriously from behind his office desk. I was leaning against the back of the chair, unable to sit because for the first time since I became inhuman I felt restlessness pulsing sharply throughout my entire body.

"It doesn't matter," I snapped, crushing the chair beneath my hands before throwing what was left of it into the wall opposite me. Carlisle ducked, narrowly avoiding the flying remains. He sighed but said nothing as he pushed a stray strand of hair from his face.

"The others will be back soon. There is much to be discussed."

I nodded, agreeing.

"The perimeter, who is securing it?" I asked, the sudden realization that the _thing_ that did all of this to Bella was still alive, well and presumably breathing.

"The Quileute wolves," Carlisle said uneasily.

"What?" I roared, my anger flaring in an uncontrollable way.

"I don't like it any more than you do, son. But it's a necessity. Our family has been rather preoccupied, and I've needed everyone's assistance in merely stabilizing Bella enough to feel assured that she'd make it through the day. As it is I'm still concerned about a number of things related to her health – namely her concussion. It has to be closely monitored. The rest of your siblings have been running my errands – procuring supplies from the hospital to ensure we have enough on hand. The wolves offered their help…" He trailed off, his eyes coming in and out of focus as he stared out the glass window behind me.

In the reflection of his eyes, I could see the bodies of my family members moving through the dense forest, weaving in and out. They were home.

"How do we know they didn't harm her, too? Or that they didn't know it and do nothing to stop it?" I shouted, my every thought consumed with everything that had transpired in the past two hours. The exam, Bella's reaction – the severity of her injuries and the confirmation we had just received that Bella had, in fact, been raped… multiple times.

How could I digest any of that? How could I ever process that information without completely self-destructing? There was nothing more horrific to me in this world than knowing Bella had been harmed. I had failed her.

"You saw inside of Jacob Black's mind, so you tell me? Do you think he knew?"

I thought it over for a moment, trying to remove the rage I felt towards all of them long enough to look at the situation objectively.

"No," I replied, sitting down in the chair opposite Carlisle.

"Right. And we know now that their minds are connected through their wolf forms, that they are all capable of seeing one another's thoughts, much like you are, when they've phased. It would be reasonable to assume, then, that they knew nothing about what was happening to Bella," Carlisle concluded.

I was resistant to agreeing, but I couldn't deny the truth.

"Fine. But how do we know we can trust them?"

"Jasper trusts them enough for this job. While you were with Bella he was meeting with the Alpha of their pack, Sam. Jasper assured me that Sam is horrified. Their entire purpose, the reason they exist, is to protect humans. Paul, in their eyes, has committed the gravest injustice."

"And if they find him before I do, they bring him to me," I spoke quietly, my voice deadly dangerous.

"As much as I am inclined to agree, they have a protocol set in order for when things like this happen in their communities…" Carlisle trailed off, surveying my face with careful hesitation.

I felt the anger welling inside me, growing and manifesting, taking a form that would soon become beyond my control.

"Like hell," I roared, standing to my feet again.

"Edward, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we need to focus on caring for Bella, finding Paul and ensuring that nothing that happens here upsets Bella more than she already is."

Before I could press the issue any further, Alice, Jasper and Emmett filed into the room, all with grave looks on their faces. They stood silently for a while, and from their thoughts I could hear that they didn't know what to say. This was unreached territory – none of us had ever encountered anything like this before.

"Esme and Rosalie are downstairs preparing something for Bella to eat… how is she doing?" Jasper asked. I shook my head, sitting again on the chair across from Carlisle. I didn't have words for this.

"Is she…" Alice started. It was rare for Alice to be speechless. A quick peruse through her thoughts and I could tell she hadn't seen anything related to Bella that would clue her into the results of Bella's exam.

"We only partially completed the necessary steps of the exam, but we were able to tackle the most important pieces," Carlisle explained. The silence was thick in the room, settling us all into an uncomfortable, unspoken heaviness.

"What happened to her, Carlisle?" Emmett asked, his voice more serious than I'd ever heard it before. Carlisle eyed me, and I nodded, giving him permission to proceed.

"Based on my examination, Bella was raped, and this likely wasn't the first time." The reaction in the room was instantaneous.

Alice folded in on herself as Jasper's arms wrapped around her waist, supporting her weight before she could fall to the ground. Emmett groaned and walked over to the floor to ceiling length window, leaning his head against it as his hands balled into fists at his sides. I could hear the reactions of Esme and Rosalie two stories down.

Devastation all around.

Jasper spoke first, his voice softer than usual, "this wasn't the first time?"

"No. I don't believe so. Bella didn't confirm this for us, she was unwilling to discuss any of this after her examination. She reacted quite defensively when I suggested that her injuries were the result of her being raped," the entire room tensed at the word, but Carlisle continued "I imagine she's experiencing a lot of shame and guilt right now. I'm sure it doesn't help that I had to be the one to perform the exam, either." Alice buried her head further into Jasper's chest, her small frame shaking from her tearless sobs.

"This wasn't the first time…" Emmett repeated Carlisle's words, trying to grasp exactly what all of this meant in his head.

"The examination showed some residual tissue damage and scarring in addition to the lacerations I sutured today," I inhaled sharply, biting back the roar of rage I could feel building inside of me, "if I were to guess, I'd say the older scars were about three to four weeks old." Carlisle closed the file folder containing all of Bella's medical notes on his desk, placing a firm hand on top of it, as though he was protecting the contents.

"It doesn't feel right to share this information with you all, but I know that you've already heard and witnessed enough to have your own theories. I don't imagine Bella will be very forthcoming any time soon," Carlisle sighed.

The room remained silent for a few minutes more as everyone allowed the information to settle in. I did my best to avoid their thoughts, it was too overwhelming as it was without piecing together all of the bits they'd witnessed throughout the day into one large, devastating picture that detailed the depth of Bella's trauma.

"So what can we do?" Emmett asked, pushing off of the window and coming to stand next to me.

"You can find him, and then you can bring him _directly_ to me." The words were curt and clipped, my voice was low and filled with serious promise.

I would demolish him.

There was no question about it.

I would obliterate Paul, and make him pay a thousand times over for what he did to Bella.

The room remained silent, and there wasn't a single person in my family that dared to object… and a quick scan of their minds revealed that they were as eager to pay retribution as I was.

* * *

 **A/N:** This was a hard chapter to write, oscillating between Edward's thoughts and Bella's thoughts was the only way I felt I could truly capture what this felt like for both of them. I know it's a slown burn, and that things are progressing at a snail pace, but it's how this has all unfolded in my head. Bella's story needs to be relayed in this way, and the process of her healing is slow.

I know some of you mentioned that there hasn't been a moment where Edward has reassured Bella, and reminded her that this isn't her fault. You're right! But we're looking at the immediate aftermath, crisis management and Bella's prelimary stages of physical healing. Things will start to pick up a bit after these next few chapters and the plot will slowly flesh out more and more.

I'd love to hear you thoughts - please leave a review!

xx,

missmarlee


	11. Because

Chapter 11 – Because

 **BPOV**

I was alone, exactly as I wanted to be.

And in the pin-drop silence of the room, there was nothing to do but sit and think. It wasn't ideal, especially because I was actively working to suppress memories of the past several hours, but isolation seemed a better option than the possibility of being confronted by Carlisle again.

Of course, I knew what it would mean for him to examine me.

He would know.

He would see and then he would know.

They all would.

But I was desperate – the pain was unbearable and I was so worried something was seriously wrong.

And apparently, I was right.

When he spoke those words… the things that Edward knew now… nothing could ever erase the space that would create between us. How could Edward love me… bear to touch me, or hold me, or ever be with me if he knew what I had become? If he knew what was done to me?

Emotionally and physically I was completely spent. My body was worn, the injuries I was left with were beginning to take their toll and I could feel my energy fading. I was growing weary; the pain was becoming overwhelming.

I was tired.

It wasn't as though this was the first time he'd hurt me.

Things had been bad with Paul before… mostly beatings to take out his rage and threats of serious harm… but never like this. He had gone this far before, but never in this way. It had never been so… painful. I'd never blacked out before.

I'd never almost died as a result.

My mind unconsciously began flickering through memories – and at the forefront of my mind was the memory of choking on my own blood –

But as quickly as it surfaced in my mind, was as quickly as I tried to suppress.

I was physically and emotionally unable to wade through any more of the slowly re-emerging memories.

I was aching all over, and my shame had grown so insurmountable that I was now carefully plotting an escape plan, determined to leave here and run away… or hand myself over to Paul to save those I loved.

It had only been 25 minutes since I'd kicked Carlisle and Edward out and my panic was already consuming me. I could feel my breathing quickening and it was becoming more and more difficult to catch a proper breath.

The feeling of breathlessness was a reminder of his hands wrapped tightly around my neck, cutting off my air supply.

I choked, gasped, coughing, grabbing at my neck as though I was grabbing at his hands. The sensation of being unable to breath was worsening as my head started spinning and the room started to fade.

I was startled by the sound of the door opening - revealing Carlisle and Edward.

Relief washed over me, but the memories persisted.

I felt like I was dying.

His body – on top of mine, crushing me.

His hands, wrapped around my neck as he whispered to me things I would never be able to erase from my mind.

The feeling of his body overtaking mine – the images of Edward that flooded my mind as Paul destroyed the last shred of happiness that existed inside of me.

My shame.

My pain.

The certainty I felt in knowing that he was about to kill me.

The fleeting moments of relief I felt at the thought of dying.

And then the startling reminder of what I would be leaving behind.

 _I don't want to die…_

And then I was pulled, abruptly, from the dark recesses of my mind.

"Bella, it's just me. It's Carlisle and Edward. You're ok. I'm going to remove your hands from your neck and then I'm going to place an oxygen mask over your nose and your mouth to help you breathe, ok?"

I nodded, fighting to remain conscious as Carlisle pulled my own hands from my neck. He placed them gently at my sides and Edward appeared, fitting the mask over my mouth and nose. I inhaled as deeply as I could and the sensation of re-oxygenating my body provided me with near-immediate relief.

I was still hyperventilating but I could sense that I was returning to a place of equilibrium again. I pulled the covers across my shoulders, keeping one hand over the oxygen mask while the other clasped the blanket across my shoulders, holding it in place.

Edward pulled my hand away, replacing mine with his own as he pulled the covers snugly to my body. I didn't have the energy to send him away, and frankly, I didn't want to.

The sensation of almost blacking out was terrifying to me now – it brought me back to the moment with Paul… to the moment where I was sure I was going to die.

I jumped when I felt a warm, wet cloth dabbing at the side of my mouth. I looked up to see Carlisle holding the cloth, and as he pulled it away I noticed a large swatch of blood had stained the pristine cotton white a deep, bright red colour.

I looked at Carlisle, panic rising inside of me again.

"Pulmonary contusion," he said to Edward, who nodded in agreement, his sad eyes resting on me with a deeply troubled look. Carlisle pulled a stethoscope off the table in the corner and draped it around his neck.

"May I listen to your lungs, Bella?"

I looked at him warily. I really didn't want him touching me, not after today, not after everything he'd seen and everything he'd said. But I was worried. I was coughing up blood… again.

"I suspect you have a pulmonary contusion – a very minor one, at that. It would explain why you've been so short of breath. I had attributed that to the trauma your body has undergone, but apparently, I missed something in my examination," he explained "I think you have an injury to your lung that has caused some bleeding. I'll have to listen because it might be small enough that it's not audible without a stethoscope – even with my heightened senses."

I nodded, stiffening slightly, still not understanding what he meant by all of this.

"I'll need to listen to your lungs from your back, Bella. Can you remove the blanket for me?" I immediately grew uneasy,wrestling with the idea of uncovering any more of myself today than I already had. I needed my privacy. I needed to safeguard myself.

"I can listen above your clothes, but the blankets are too thick – they'll obstruct the sound and I'd like to be able to hear as clearly as possible."

I pulled the blanket from around my body, an immediate chill crawling up my spine. Carlisle made quick work of listening and before I could even blink Edward was draping the blanket over my shoulders again.

"Bella, I know it's difficult to recall the events from yesterday – but do you recall spitting up or coughing up blood at any time throughout the…" he paused for a moment, thinking about the words he should use to describe what had happened "the attack?" he finished, looking at me resolutely.

I blanched at the suggestion. We had, up until this point, merely alluded to what had happened. I hadn't shared specific details with them. I hadn't given voice to any of the things Paul had done to me yesterday.

"Yes," I whispered, my eyes focusing on the woven threads of the blanket I was wrapped in so as to avoid Edward and Carlisle's looks of horror.

"Thank you," Carlisle said gently.

"Yes, a pulmonary contusion," Carlisle confirmed, turning to face Edward as he did. "It'll be fine, Bella. We'll monitor you, keep a close eye out and make sure we give you supplementary oxygen periodically. You'll need to refrain from any serious physical activity until it's resolved. Does that make sense?"

I nodded again, unwilling to remove the oxygen mask to answer verbally. I felt as though I was still regaining my breath and I didn't want to do anything to compromise that.

"While I'm here, I'd like to do a quick check of your vitals?" Carlisle reached across the table and pulled a thick yellow file folder from the table, pulling a pen from his sweater pocket at the same time.

"Sure," I said weakly.

"You can lay down if you prefer." I nodded and turned to face Edward, silently asking for his help in reclining my body.

Once I was laying down Carlisle checked my temperature, blood pressure, and heart sounds. He then checked my pupils for reactivity and asked me how my head felt. It felt mostly ok, though it throbbed slightly. He made quick notes in the file and then sat next to me.

"You seem to be stable for now. Your concussion doesn't appear to be too worrisome, though again, I think rest is in order so that your body can recalibrate and begin the healing process."

"You must be hungry, love?" Edward asked glancing toward the door as he did.

I shook my head.

There was no way I could possibly manage to eat anything right now. I was sure anything I ate would come right back up before it even hit my stomach – not to mention the ache in my throat, which would surely be aggravated by eating.

"Bella, your temperature has dropped quite low. You're still within a safe range, but I do know that you're undernourished. You've lost a great deal of weight in a short period of time. It's important that we reintroduce healthy, nutritious foods into your diet… sooner than later."

I paused and stared at him for a moment.

He looked older to me than he had before he'd left… before they'd all left. I knew he didn't age, not physically, anyway. But there was something about him, the usual lightness that he'd had only months ago seemed dampened.

It made my heart ache. I instinctively reached out a hand and rested it against his cheek, smiling a very small smile as I looked into his eyes.

He reached up his hand and covered my own with his, pushing his cheek into my palm.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, his eyes locked on my own. I pressed my hand into his cheek a bit harder, as if to silently acknowledge his words and I nodded. Tears were welling in my eyes, and for the moment, I didn't try to conceal them. I let them fall, and I stay connected to Carlisle, reveling in the glory of his presence, of his safety and of his nurturing.

His eyes were dark black in colour, swimming with an array of emotions – mostly pain, I figured. I could see how troubled Carlisle was, how heartbroken he felt. My heart warmed and ached at the same time. He loved me – he cared for me… and all of this hurt him, too. I could see it there, brimming in his eyes, threatening to pull his typical composure apart at the seams, threatening to unravel him.

"I can try…" I said softly, "to eat, I mean. I can try." Carlisle smiled and I pulled my hand from his face, suddenly aware of the intensity of our interaction, even more so aware that Edward was in the room, sitting right next to me. I felt a pang of guilt, wondering if Edward desired my affection, too.

I was torn.

I wanted to touch him.

I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me. I wanted to feel his affection through a physical connection, but the heaviness of everything was proving to be an overwhelming barrier.

Part of me was unsure exactly how Edward felt, and part of me wanted to shield myself from him. I wasn't sure I could _me_ with him anymore.

Things had changed so irreversibly.

I had changed.

The person he left behind all those months ago – she was gone.

I wasn't someone I recognized anymore.

It wasn't just what the aftermath of what Paul had done to me.

It was the aftermath of what Edward had done, too.

The parts of me that I'd never gotten a chance to heal when left, those wounds were still there, still pulsating, still dictating my every move. The rawness of his abandonment was still pulsing through my body. The memory of him leaving, it was etched into every corner of my mind. It was imprinted on every facet of me. It was building memory inside of me, in my blood.

I couldn't forget.

And I couldn't tell anymore, the difference between my grief and pain. I couldn't tell which parts of the emotional trauma belonged to Paul's actions, and which belonged to Edward.

I was tired. Too tired to think clearly.

Closeness with Edward felt like an opportunity for more pain.

"Bella?" Edward said softly, his eyes searching for mine. I nodded, pulling myself out of my thoughts to listen to what they were saying.

"Esme made you some soup, it appears. I can't promise it'll be any good, we don't cook often, as you know," Carlisle chuckled, walking over to the door, pulling it open to reveal a sadly smiling Esme with a tray of food in her hands.

Her eyes meeting mine. In her eyes, I could see the complexity of emotions brewing within her. She looked absolutely torn between her grief and her relief in seeing me here, alive. I avoided her eyes – they held too much there. It threatened to awaken the anguish I'd been stifling inside of me. I couldn't lose my composure – not again.

Esme came to my bedside as Carlisle pulled a tray over my lap on the bed, pressing a button so that the bed slowly raised itself into a more elevated position. I winced at the action, the process of sitting upright, even with assistance, was still excruciating.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I should have forewarned you. I figured sitting upright would be more conducive to eating soup," he smiled warmly, setting down a large bowl of clear soup broth on the tray in front of me.

"It's not much, but Carlisle suggested we start off small and work our way up. It's a simple bone broth. Very nourishing for humans – from what I've read, at least." I smiled at the bowl of soup and thanked Esme, grateful for her efforts.

I was sure that in any other moment it would have smelled wonderful, but in this moment the wafting scent was causing my stomach to churn.

"Oh dear…" Esme started, looking at me with concern "if it isn't appetizing to you I can prepare something else?" I shook my head, remorse written all over my face.

"It smells great," I assured her, "my stomach is just a bit upset."

"Take your time, Bella. I think your nausea will be helped some by actually getting some nutritious food into you."

I nodded and took a spoonful.

The feeling of the warm liquid sliding down my aching throat was actually quite soothing. I took a few more spoonful's but stopped when I realized that Edward, Esme and Carlisle were silently watching me eat.

"Um…"

Carlisle chuckled and patted Esme gently on the back "this must be uncomfortable for you, Bella. We're all sitting here watching you eat as though it's some kind of show!" I smiled, grateful that he understood.

"We'll leave you to it then, dear. If it's alright with you, can I come visit you a bit later on? Once you've eaten and rested a bit more?" Esme's eyes were still brimming with the anguish and grief that I was afraid to confront, but I couldn't deny her.

"Sure." I smiled what I was sure was an unconvincing smile and then returned back to my bowl of broth.

I heard Edward shuffle beside me and I paused, waiting for him to speak.

"Is it alright if I stay?" He asked, his voice filled with uncertainty. I thought for a moment. This was all so unfamiliar… so uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what to do, how to feel or how to interpret anything between Edward and me anymore. It was complicated and honestly, it was exhausting. But the thought of being alone… of not being near Edward trumped all the other feelings I had.

"Yes. Please do…" I paused, mulling over my thoughts before sharing them aloud "but I… I don't want to talk about today…"

"That's fine, love." My heart swelled and I was sure my cheeks flushed at the sound of him calling me love. He'd been doing it all day, but there had been such chaos surrounding all of our interactions that I'd barely had time to notice it before.

"We can talk about whatever you'd like – anything at all."

"Ok," I smiled, relishing in the thought of being able to forget, even for just a few moments, of all that had happened in a few short hours.

I continued eating, slowly, hoping to avoid upsetting my stomach too much.

And as I did Edward reached a tentative hand out, slowly moving it toward my face. I stiffened at the gesture, worried that affection from him would send me into a tailspin of grief. He paused midair and then continued, his hand gently pressing against my forehead. I sighed, half relieved, half disappointed.

"You feel cold," he said as he stood to his feet "I'm going to add some more wood to the fire. I'll be back in just a minute, ok?"

I paused, alarmed.

He was leaving?

My hand had been holding the spoon from my soup bowl and it started to tremble at the thought. I tried to stop myself, but the thought of Edward leaving had clearly ignited a panic inside of me. I could feel my breathing starting to constrict and I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself down without Edward noticing.

Edward was by my side instantly, clearly sensing my panic before I even did.

"What is it, Bella? What's wrong?" His voice hit a shaper octave than I was used to.

"I – I… I'm fine…"

"You're not fine, love. You're trembling." He placed his hand on top of my own, stifling the trembling with an incredible gentleness. I looked up at him through my lashes, sighing as I did.

"Don't leave…" I whispered.

Edward's eyes filled with sorrow, the black pools flooding with a hundred indescribable forms of pain. He pushed the tray aside and pulled me into a gentle embrace, placing small kisses on the crown of my head.

"I won't," he promised, his hand rubbing small, gentle circles across my back. All of the emotions I'd been trying to smother inside of me were beginning to boil over. I could feel them bubbling, fighting to claw their way out of me, refusing to be contained.

"I will never leave you again, Bella. I promise you. I promise you…"

And then it cracked and crumbled - those walls I had been constructing out fear, fear of and for Edward, of Paul, of everyone knowing - were crumbling down around me.

I tried to hold it back, to hold my tears at bay, to stifle the emotions that were brutally warring within me to be unleashed, but I had no strength left inside of me. I was at their mercy.

I couldn't fight it, despite wanting to.

"It's ok, love. It's ok," Edward chanted while pressing small, soft kisses to the top of my head. He repeated the words, giving me the permission I had been desperately seeking, but denying myself.

I sobbed in his arms while he held me, pressing me into him as gently as he could without hurting me.

I cried and I cried and I cried until I felt like my body was completely drained of fluids.

I cried for the young girl I'd been when he left me, that had broken into a million pieces – the girl that had shattered under the weight of a broken heart.

I cried for the person I'd become, so far from that young girl, so transformed and completely changed from the months that had passed.

I cried for the person that had been irreversibly transformed by violence. For the girl that had tried to rebuild, only to be shattered all over again.

I cried for Edward, for not knowing… for not understanding. For what we had lost and might possibly never regain now.

I cried for Carlisle and his pain, and for Esme and hers. For Alice, for Jasper, for Emmett, even for Rosalie. For their pain. For their love. For their losses.

I cried because maybe they knew. Because they probably did. Because if they did it would change everything.

I cried because I was scared. Because I knew Paul wasn't done, and I knew that I was failing the people I loved by being here, by not fighting harder to keep them safe.

I cried because it hurt more than I could describe… more than I could bare. Because I'd held it in for so many months, and I didn't have any strength left in me to hold anything in anymore.

I cried because my body ached. Because it was sore, and broken and bruised and hardly recognizable.

I cried because it was the only thing left to do. Because I could do nothing more.

* * *

 **A/N:** Folks - thank you for your reviews of the last chapter! It was so lovely and reassuring to hear what you thought of chapter 10.

This chapter was all about Bella and hearing from her. She's in a dark place. She's tired, she's in pain. Her thought process if convoluted and illogical, but it's an essential component of her healing. Bear with her while she sorts through the pain.

To clear up some points of confusion:

Bella refusing to acknowledge that she was r*ped isn't because she thinks what happened wasn't r*pe. It's because she feels ashamed, and doesn't want to admit the truth to Carlisle and to Edward. She's hanging on for dear life, trying to deny the truth because her trauma is clouding her opinion of herself. Her shame is keeping her locked in a place of self-doubt, self-hatred and it makes her believe that they won't care for her in the same way anymore if they know the truth.

I know this might not make sense to everyone, but I'd like to suggest that healing is such a personal and intense experience, and people process trauma differently.

Bella isn't thinking rationally because she's deeply, deeply afraid. Paul was able to manipulate her thoughts through physical and emotional abuse, and he targeted her at a time when she was already vulnerable because Edward had left.

It'll be revealed, in time, why Bella is so afraid of Paul and why she so firmly believes he's capable of brining harm to the Carlisle's.

I hope that helps clarify things a bit? If not, let me know! I'm happy to elaborate as much as I can without spoiling too much of the upcoming chapters.

Thanks again for you support, kind words and your reviews. They're the fuel in my fire and they keep me writing!

xx

-missmarlee


	12. Damaged

Chapter 12 - Damaged

* * *

 **EPOV**

The storm that had been brewing outside was finally unleashing its wrath, and the whirring sound of the wind being trapped between the window panes caused Bella to stir in my arms.

Hours had passed and she was still wide awake. Her tears had stopped but she lay wordlessly in my arms, staring up at the ceiling, her eyes glued to the motion of the ceiling fan just above her. She watched it spin in circles, her eyes fixed as though she were in a trance.

I could sense that the morphine she'd had earlier was beginning to wear off because she was shifting uncomfortably and wincing in pain with even the slightest shift of position. The distinct smell of morphine as it mixed with her blood was the most apparent sign, though. The caustic smell was beginning to fade, and the pure, rich and intoxicating aroma of her blood was beginning to permeate my senses unchanged once again.

She had cried in my arms for hours, oscillating between states of fear, shame, guilt and desolation. I could sense the shifts in her mood without needing to read her thoughts because they were so clearly manifested in her physical presence.

Her shame caused her to shrink, withdrawing from me and pulling herself into a fetal position well away from my proximity. When that emotion had passed over her, she returned to a state of terror, likely overwhelmed by whatever horrors she was reliving that were contained within her well-guarded mind. Her terror was a desperate, needful thing where her whole body would be tensed as she pressed herself against me.

There was nothing to do but to hold her, to allow her to wade through the expanse of her own grief in her own way and in her own time. I knew that I understood barely a fraction of what her mind contained – it was a more profound pain that I could ever understand.

Time continued to drag us into it's murky depths, and with each passing second it was becoming more apparent that her physical pain was becoming intolerable.

"Love, you're in pain, aren't you?" I asked, speaking for the first time in hours. Bella remained unmoving in my arms, still fixated on the ceiling.

She nodded once.

"I'm going to call for Carlisle, ok?"

"Ok," she croaked out, her hand coming to rest on her throat as though to try and soothe the pain speaking had caused her.

He was in the room in seconds, obviously having overheard our conversation.

He stood silently, expectantly, in the doorway.

"Bella's in pain," I explained.

"Of course," he said, walking into the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Are you ok with another dose right now, Bella?"

She nodded.

"I think it's best if you spend some time with the oxygen mask for a while after I give you the morphine. The morphine will suppress your respirations slightly, and knowing what we know now I think it would be wise to make sure you're well oxygenated."

Bella nodded again.

Carlisle pushed the syringe into her IV line and Bella's relief was immediately noticeable. Her tensed shoulders relaxed, and her brow, which had been furrowed, unfolded.

I helped her slip the oxygen mask over her mouth and nose and gently rested her back against the plush pillows of the bed, pulling the covers over her body in one swift motion.

And as if on cue, her breathing slowed, her heart rate dropped and her eyes slowly shut, sleep overtaking her.

* * *

"Our window of opportunity is closing, Edward. It's been two days since the assault and the emergency contraception is only effective for up to 72 hours…"

"I know," I muttered, pressing against the agony that was slowly building inside of me. "What am I supposed to do? She crumbles every time I mention anything related to what happened, and I don't want to push her further away from me than she already is."

"This probably won't be the most popular suggestion… but can't you give it to her without her knowing?"

Carlisle and I gaped at Emmett in awe.

"Emmett, that's horrendously unethical," Carlisle explained, "Bella deserves to be in charge of her body – we _cannot_ drug her without telling her."

"But isn't it better than…"

"It doesn't matter what we think is better or worse. What matters is that Bella having autonomy over her own body is an essential component of her healing."

"But she's refusing to even acknowledge it happened!" Alice shrieked, her tiny hands flying up into the air in frustration.

"And that is her right…" Esme whispered, staring off into the distance, a forlorn look adorning her features.

"So do we just allow her to go on like this forever?" Jasper questioned, standing next to Alice against the window as the moonlight filtering in through the window illuminated their frames. The moon was full tonight, but it's magnificence and grandeur was all but forgotten in the midst of the chaos happening inside of our home.

We were all worn.

Bella was unable to sleep peacefully and woke often. Carlisle had lowered her morphine dose yet again, as per her request. She complained of feeling disoriented and confused on the higher dose and it was unnerving for her. But without the medication her pain prevented her from sleeping restfully.

And when she did manage to sleep… she'd scream in agony at the terror she was experiencing through her dreams. She would startle herself awake, absolutely petrified, frantically scanning the room for some sign of him.

I refused to leave her side, save for a few brief moments on occasion to connect with my family and receive updates about the whereabouts of Paul. Apparently, the pack, Jasper and Emmett had traced his scent all the way to the border. They didn't bother to move beyond that, figuring that, though highly unlikely, it could be diversion. It made more sense for our numbers to stick close to home so we could protect Bella properly.

"When was the last time you tried mentioning it?" Jasper questioned.

"This morning…" I said stiffly, my mind recalling the interaction. Everyone in the room with the exception of Jasper and Emmett became rigid, recalling the events of this morning. Jasper looked to Alice in confusion, expecting an explanation of what had transpired.

"You missed it…" Alice said softly, overcome with deep sadness.

"Missed what?" Emmett questioned.

"You were out patrolling with Jasper when Edward tried to broach the subject with Bella again. She became hysterical, launched into a full on panic attack and blacked out," Alice ran a hand through her hair, closing her eyes as though to will away the memory.

"She blacked out?!"

"Yes, and she vomited up her breakfast from that morning, too."

Silence filled the room and I took advantage of it to listen for Bella's sleeping form upstairs in the bedroom. She sounded peaceful, for the moment. I always listened in, returning if I heard her heart rate increase or her breathing deepen – signaling the onset of another nightmare.

"What do we do? How much longer can she go on without eating?" Esme asked, her voice distant and hollow.

"We can't," Carlisle sighed "I'm afraid we might have to consider a feeding tube, Edward." I spun to face him, the quiet anger stirring inside of me again.

"Absolutely not," I growled. We couldn't put Bella through anything else. She couldn't withstand it.

"What else do you suggest, son? She can't go on much longer like this…"

 _We could change her…_

Jasper's thought reverberated through my mind, and a loud roar erupted from my body.

I turned to face him, my teeth bared.

"NO!"

Emmett ran to my side, his hand clamping down on my shoulder, pressing me firmly in place, just in case my primal instincts won out over my ability to see the situation logically and reasonably.

"Calm down, Edward!" Carlisle implored.

"What's going on, Jasper?" Esme questioned, looking horrified.

"I thought about the possibility of changing her," he explained "it was just a thought!" he raised his outstretched hands in a show of surrender and his disengagement allowed me a moment of clarity – Jasper meant no harm.

"We aren't changing her. Not now. Not like this. Maybe not ever." I ground out from between my tightly clenched teeth.

"I agree," Carlisle said, "not like this."

"Not ever," I reiterated, my words ringing with finality.

"This discussion is pointless. We need to focus on tangible ways to help Bella," Carlisle paused, attempting to reel the conversation back into the realm of things that were helpful. He idly rolled through his mind for a moment before turning to face Alice.

"Has there been any change?" Alice's eyes cast downwards and her jaw tensed.

"Nothing…" she replied.

"I can't understand what is preventing you from seeing Bella's future. This was never an issue before. The wolves are far enough out on the perimeter that they shouldn't be impacting your ability to see," Carlisle had been pacing but he stopped dead in his tracks, mid-thought and his stream of consciousness quickly became indecipherable to me.

He was purposely evading me.

"Oh…" he said darkly, realization dawning on him.

I searched his thoughts, but he resisted again, forcing me out.

"What is it?" I questioned angrily.

"Edward…" Carlisle started but he couldn't finish. His eyes met mine as he continued the thought from within his mind. He was non-verbally pleading with me to remain calm.

 _Paul isn't here now, but part of him remains… inside of Bella._

I had been pacing, but Carlisle's words forced me to stop dead in my tracks. I allowed his words to implant themselves into my mind, and I reasoned through every possible iteration of what Carlisle was trying to cryptically convey. I knew what he meant. From the moment he opened his thoughts up to me I knew what he meant, but I was trying to find some reason to discount his words.

But there was no discounting it. He was right.

The realization caused an involuntary roar to rip through my chest, flooding the entire proximity.

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't contain it. I was outside in seconds.

And then I ran.

* * *

 **BPOV**

I was weaving in and out of sleep, unable to maintain long stretches of consciousness before falling back into a deep sleep.

When I awakened, it took me a few moments to right myself – to understand where I was again. I absently rubbed at my tired eyes and cringed when the action proved to be startlingly painful.

I automatically scanned the room, searching for Edward but he was nowhere to be found. The realization caused my panic to spike a bit – Edward had become my lifeline over the past few days. I felt the most grounded and the safest with him around. When he disappeared from my line of sight it was as though it was open season on me – I felt like Paul could return at any second and take me.

When Edward was with me I felt inexplicably safe. Untouchable, almost.

A soft knock on the door startled me until I heard Alice's voice from behind it.

"It's just me and Carlisle, Bella!" She chimed. I immediately began to worry. Where was Edward? Why wasn't he here? Was he out somewhere, alone? Didn't he know that wasn't safe? Didn't he know what could happen?

The door pushed open, revealing a very perky-looking Alice with Carlisle following close behind her.

"We just came to bring you breakfast!" Alice pushed a bowl of porridge in front of me, smiling brightly.

Carlisle set a cup of tea next to the bowl and pulled out my yellow file.

"Do you want me to check you now or wait until you've eaten?"

"Now is fine."

"Where's Edward?" I asked as Carlisle checked my vitals.

"He's hunting nearby; he should be home shortly." The thought of Edward, alone, vulnerable… my panic was beginning to rise.

"He's ok, Bella. I promise you that," Carlisle assured me, no doubt in response to hearing my heart rate pique. He finished his work and jotted down a few notes before closing my file folder and pushing it off to the side.

"Things look fine, but I think the healing process could be helped if you were getting more food into your system and keeping it down."

"I'm trying," I offered, picking up the spoon and taking a small bite.

"I know it's difficult, Bella." He nodded my way, his eyes filled with empathy.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," I responded automatically, not actually answering his question but providing the first knee-jerk response that came to mind. Carlisle smiled knowingly, though his eyes were etched with concern.

"How is your pain today?"

I mentally assessed my body, taking note of where things hurt the most. My head was sore, and I had a throbbing headache but it was manageable. My ribs were aching and burning, but not any more than usual. My left cheekbone was throbbing, but again, no more than usual. There was a lot of pain and discomfort between my legs, maybe more than there should have been but I was unwilling to bring it up with Carlisle. I felt a bit hazy, and periodically, if I moved to suddenly, the room would begin to spin around me.

Mostly I was overwhelmed by the sensation of weakness. Every movement felt like it was a significant effort.

"It's ok. Same as yesterday," I lied, not wanting to mention that I felt weaker today than I had yesterday.

Carlisle glanced at me, a knowing look on his face but he nodded anyway.

"Ready to go to the washroom?" Alice asked. She had been the one to help me to the bathroom every time I needed to go. She walked me in, helped me sit down and then turned to give me privacy. It was hard, but it was the only workable solution.

"Yes," I nodded, hesitating to ask my next question. "If it's possible… I'd like to – uhm… I'd like to shower…" I explained.

Carlisle had been lowering the dose of my morphine and a consequence of that was that I was clearer than I had been in days.

And now I wanted nothing more than to clean myself. To rid myself of _him_. I felt like there was a thick layer of grime covering my entire body – covering everywhere he had touched. The urgency to shower had piqued last night, but I'd been way too physically exhausted to even attempt it.

I'd even gone as far as insisting Edward didn't lay next to me last night, knowing that the smell of wolf was probably all over me. I was sure it made him sick.

"Carlisle, what do you think?" Alice asked as I took another spoonful of porridge.

"That would be fine, Bella. Though you'll have to be careful, you're not very steady on your feet which increases your risk of slipping. And it'll be difficult to maneuver bathing with one hand," he explained, referring to the hand that had an IV in it.

"I could help," Alice suggested.

"No," I said, averting my eyes from theirs.

"Oh, it's no big deal, Bella. I don't mind."

"No," I said, my voice unintentionally harsh. I couldn't cope with the thought of Alice seeing me in such a state of vulnerability.

"How will you manage then?" Carlisle questioned. I thought it over for a moment as I used my spoon to push the porridge around in my bowl. How would I manage? I could barely make it to the washroom on my own, let alone shower without any help.

I loved Alice, but I couldn't stand the look of pain on her face whenever she saw the cuts, bruises, and breaks that were covering my body. I didn't want to explain any of this away. I wanted someone, for once, to just leave me be.

And then it occurred to me.

"Rosalie? Would she help?"

Carlisle and Alice looked at each other, their faces filled with confusion.

"She hasn't been around much lately, Bella." Alice's response wasn't clearing up any of my confusion.

"She's been helping hold the perimeter…"

 _Holding the perimeter?_

I gasped.

"You're _looking_ for him?" I was incredulous. I'd barely had a moment to breathe let alone think about what cascade of horror would befall on everyone I loved for what I had done – for my betrayal.

"Yes, of course. And we'll find him, you needn't worry," Carlisle assured me, his eyes gentle and his voice forgiving.

"You – you can't!" I shrieked, pushing the covers aside, ignoring the fiery bursts of pain that were radiating across my body.

I stumbled from the bed and pushed Alice's cold hand off of my arm when she came to my side to help.

"Bella, please. We can discuss this. What are you worried about?"

I shook my head and slowly made my way toward the chair in the corner of the room where I pulled a thin, blue, cotton robe over me, ignoring the way it pulled at my IV line, ignoring the absolute agony pulsing through my entire body.

"Bella, please," Carlisle implored, "what is it that you need? We can help you."

I shook my head, looked at Carlisle and pushed back the tears that were threatening to spill.

How could I be so stupid? How could I forget what he had promised?

Everyone was in danger and I was more concerned with showering than preserving the lives of the people I cared about.

I pulled the door of the bedroom open, resting for a moment against banister near the stairs, trying to catch my breath. I pushed past the pain, kept my body moving. I had to take care of this – of them.

Carlisle and Alice were trailing behind me and it wasn't long before Jasper and Emmett were standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at me in complete confusion.

"Bella, what are you doing, dear?" Esme asked, joining Jasper and Emmett at the bottom of the stairs.

"I – I…" I stopped myself, trying to regroup. I need to leave. What could I say that would make this as easy as possible?

"I… Charlie. I need to see him," I explained, using the banister to support my weight as I walked towards the top step of the staircase. Alice was at my side again, trying to support me by cradling one of my arms. I pushed her away.

"That's fine. We can call him and have him come over here," Carlisle's voice had a nervous edge to it, I could sense his panic – he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. This was the most I'd moved in days and each time I did anything physically strenuous I blacked out or vomited.

I couldn't afford for either of those things to happen right now, though. I needed to do this. I needed to protect them. The adrenaline pumping through me was sustaining me. But how much longer could it keep me here, upright and moving through the overwhelming swell of pain?

"My truck? Is it here?"

"We drove it over here yesterday afternoon…" Emmett said, looking at me, his eyes reflecting his deep concern.

"Where are the keys?" I asked, trying to keep the urgency out of my voice, but failing to do so. I needed to sound absolutely sure of myself if I was to pull this off.

"Bella, I'm afraid I don't understand the urgency. Can't this wait? This isn't exactly the best time in your recovery process to be pushing your body in this way. You're barely nourished enough to make it to and from the restroom," Carlisle said softly.

I ignored Carlisle as I looked down at my hand, thinking about how I would make it into my truck with the IV bags in tow.

All sense of self-preservation had vanished, at this point. I was more concerned with remaining conscious long enough to find Paul and to insist that he take me, and do whatever he wanted to me instead of harming the people I love.

The Cullen's, Charlie, Renee…

 _Oh God. Charlie and Renee!_

"Charlie!" I squeaked out, placing more of my weight against the banister. Each moment I spent standing was draining my energy more and more.

I looked down at the IV line in my hand again, desperate now.

"Get this out!" I shrieked at Carlisle.

Carlisle shook his head, momentarily speechless and utterly confused.

"Get this out," I shouted, gesturing to the IV line in my hand, "or I'll rip it out myself!"

"Bella!" I stopped right before I ripped the line out and paused, my eyes scanning for the face to match the voice.

Edward.

He was there, standing in the front doorway, eyes a brilliant golden colour and his hair windblown, presumably from running here.

In an instant he was up the stairs and standing next to me, his hand gently cupping my elbow as he easily supported most of my weight.

"Charlie?" I groaned, looking at Edward desperately.

"He's safe, Bella. He's ok. Rosalie and Jacob have been watching over him."

"Jacob?"

"Yes, he and the other Quileute wolves have offered to help us in finding…" Edward stumbled, clearly unable to say his name, probably for fear of triggering another episode of hysteria in me "finding the person who did this to you. They're very upset and they've assured us they had no involvement."

"Of course they didn't," I whispered, "they didn't know anything…"

"Bella, our priority is keeping you safe, love. In order to do that, we need you to stay here, to rest and to regain your strength. We need you to focus on your health, on getting better. We're taking care of the rest," Edward wrapped an arm around my waist and I winced, but the relief of not having to hold myself up on my shaking legs overwhelmed all other sensations.

"But… this isn't safe for you," I whispered, my eyes casting downward. I could feel myself trembling.

"What do you mean?" Jasper spoke now, though he remained at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at me from below.

"I mean… he'll… he can…" I wanted to tell them, but I couldn't. The words were caught in my throat, unable to move beyond my lips.

"He'll what?"

Everyone was silently awaiting my response, but I had nothing to say.

"Oh," Alice's voice was hollow and it reverberated around the room uncomfortably.

I watched Edward's face twist in concentration as he listened in on Alice's thoughts, clearly wanting to know where they were taking her. Realization suddenly dawned on him and his face flashed in rage before he managed to compose himself enough to speak.

"Do you think he'll hurt _us_?"

The words spoken aloud made my stomach twist, and before I could stop myself I was bent over, screaming in agony as I vomited violently. I stood upright with Edward's help and was exceedingly grateful to see that Carlisle had placed a basin beneath me just in time.

Carlisle handed me a warm, damp washcloth and I swiped it across my mouth. He returned a second later with a cup of water, and I took a small sip, grateful to rid my mouth of the taste of bile.

"Let me take you back to bed, love. We can continue this conversation once you're resting."

I shook my head.

"I don't want to lay in bed…" I urged, my voice raw from the force of my upheaval.

"Where would you like to rest?" Edward asked, his voice as gentle as ever.

"Let's move to the living room?" Alice suggested "we have an incredibly lush chaise lounge that is just begging for someone to lay in it," she smiled brightly at me, thought her eyes were duller than they usually were. Their bright, glistening captivating aura was nowhere to be found.

I surrendered, for the moment, realizing that I was nowhere near strong enough to accomplish anything right now.

"Ok," I agreed, not objecting when Edward scooped me off my feet and into his arms. I rested my head in the crook of his neck and inhaled, his scent bringing me a deep sense of calm.

Once I was laying on the lounge, covered in blankets with a beautiful fire crackling in the fireplace across from me, my panic began to rise again. The pain from vomiting and moving so much had subsided and now my head was clearer. I'd been on my way out – ready to leave.

Ready to take care of the people I loved.

And now here I was, resting and surrounded by Edward's entire family, save for Rosalie.

"Edward," I called softly, and he was at my side immediately.

"Yes, love?"

"I really need to go…" I explained, twisting the thick woolen blanket between my bruised fingers. Edward's brow furrowed and his eyes darkened.

"You think he'll hurt us…" he said, no longer asking, but stating what he already knew.

I paused, scared to death of admitting to Edward that I was petrified. I was lost, unsure of what to do to protect the people I loved, but completely unwilling to do nothing.

But here I was, at the precipice of it all and honesty was the only avenue that seemed to make sense.

And so I nodded, confirming to Edward that I was worried about what Paul and whoever he was consorting with would do to the people I loved.

"That's impossible, love."

"He… he said…" I stopped, unable to repeat his words, unable to share any of what he'd done with Edward or anyone else for that matter.

"He said he could kill us?" Edward questioned, sitting next to me in complete stillness so as not to disturb my injuries.

"Yes," I breathed "and that he would have help." I sighed, closing my eyes tightly, trying to conquer the tears that were welling there.

"Oh Bella," Edward sighed, wrapping his arms around me and gently pulling me toward him.

I nestled my face in the crook of his neck, still trying to hold in my tears.

"I won't let him," I said softly. Edward pulled away from me, his hands resting on my shoulders as he fixed his eyes on mine.

"It isn't your job to protect us, Bella. There are seven of us, not including the wolves. We have him vastly outnumbered. Vampires are superior to wolves in every manner," he explained, his eyes brimming with sincerity and begging for me to believe him.

"But if there are others…"

"There won't be. Jacob Black came to us to tell us who did this to you. As soon as he found out that the mutt had broken away from the pack Sam and the others started tracking him. We joined them shortly thereafter. We traced him beyond the borders, into Canada and eventually stopped when we felt he was far enough away to no longer be of any threat. He was alone, Bella. Completely alone."

"But if he comes back?"

"We have a group patrolling at all times. We've taken precautionary measures to ensure that we'll know he's headed back here before it even happens. We won't let this rest until he's taken care of," Edward assured me, tucking my hair behind my ears before placing a kiss on my cheek.

I tensed, remembering the way Paul had kissed my cheek with softness before transforming his softness into his brutality. My skin crawled and I physically retracted from Edward, the sensation of wanting to avoid Paul's violence overtaking my ability to remain present in this moment.

I could feel my panic rising, building, growing inside of me. I could feel it overwhelming all of my faculties as my vision started to blur and my head started to spin. I could feel the fiery, hot breath of Paul washing over my face, the bruising force of his lips on my own, the power with which he restrained my body… pressing it, grating it against the floor of the forest.

"Breath, Bella. Breath." Edward's voice and his icy cool breath washed over me. Pulling me back into the present.

I realized that I had, at some point, closed my eyes and when I opened them again I focused all of my energy on searching the features of Edward's face.

 _He's real. He's here. Edward is with you._

 _Paul is not._

A few more moments passed and my breathing returned to normal, the room had stopped spinning and my skin was no longer crawling.

But then my stomach panged with guilt when I registered the look on Edward's face.

There was so much sadness there. And so much pain.

There was a transformation happening inside of him, and I couldn't understand what that transformation was. But something was shifting, changing, evolving.

Something was different.

"I'm sorry," I offered, averting my eyes in complete shame. How could I ever equate Edward and Paul? They were polar opposites, the antithesis of each other in every way. Edward was gentle, soft, loving, pure-hearted and good. Paul… wasn't any of those things.

"Don't apologize, love. It's ok," he reassured me, squeezing my hand gently.

"I don't want any of you to get hurt."

"We won't, love. I promise you that."

Our conversation was interrupted by Carlisle's anxious interjection.

"Edward?" Edward stood, his back facing to me as Carlisle approached.

"Now?" I know he'd meant to say it low enough that I wouldn't hear, but I'd heard it. I quickly realized I should brace myself for something unpleasant.

I could hear the low humming of fast chatter between Carlisle and Edward, and it was frustrating. I didn't appreciate things being discussed in front of me – especially when they were clearly about me.

"What is it, Carlisle?" I asked, sitting slightly more upright.

Carlisle walked past Edward and sat on the armchair next to me.

"We have some important things to discuss. Would you prefer to do it here, or somewhere more private?"

"Even if I were to go upstairs, it's not as though I'd really have any privacy anyway, is it?"

"No, you likely wouldn't. We could ask everyone to leave, and come back once we're finished?"

I shook my head.

"I'm sure you've already filled them in, haven't you?" I dipped my head down, a bright, deep blush creeping up my neck and onto my cheeks.

How much did they all know?

Carlisle's jaw tightened at my words and he nodded.

"Yes, I've been keeping the family up to date. I'm sorry if that feels like an invasion of your privacy, Bella."

I nodded, unsure of what else to say. It did feel invasive, but I also understood. How could this be kept from them when they were all so personally involved? I felt unnerved, not knowing exactly how much Carlisle had shared, but I presumed the details of my examination were in his mind and his mind alone. He'd promised, after all.

"What is it?"

Carlisle looked around the room, prompting me to do the same. The room was empty, save for Edward, Carlisle and myself. I couldn't hear anything throughout the entire home, but I was sure everyone was tucked away in their own corners, keeping themselves occupied.

In response to my question Carlisle reached into his pocket and pulled out a palm-sized, sealed plastic bag. Inside was a single, round, white pill.

"I need you to take this, Bella. We don't have to discuss it, or talk about what happened. But we need you to take this," he urged, and Edward's hand locked onto my own, squeezing gently.

"What is it?" I stammered out, terror filling me as I did.

"It's emergency contraception," Carlisle replied, looking very serious.

I shook my head, looking away as I did.

"Bella, please," Carlisle pleaded "we're very nearly at the point where this will no longer be effective. We don't need to talk any more about it. Not until you'd like to. But if you don't take this, it could make things much more complicated than they already are."

I groaned, my stomach churning again in the same familiar way it always did when I felt overwhelmed.

"I wasn't… he didn't…" I couldn't put the words together.

Mostly because they weren't true.

Paul did rape me.

I should take the pill.

And I didn't want things to become any more complicated than they already were.

But I was so sure that if Edward knew… if he really knew and heard it from me, he'd never touch me again. I'd be tainted, broken and damaged. How could he ever want me after that?

It was just as he'd said…

" _You're damaged goods. You're mine now. He'll never touch you the same way if he knows what you've become…"_

I recoiled away from Edward as Paul's words rang through my mind, the memory so vivid part of me felt like it was happening all over again. I shuddered, my fingernails digging into my palm as I struggled to pull myself out of the memory and back into the present.

"Bella!" Edward pulled my hand away from my palm and the panic in his voice was enough to pull me back into the present. I looked down at my palm and saw bright red droplets of blood pooling where I'd clearly broken my own skin with my fingernails.

I tightly closed my hand, embarrassed and regretful, knowing the smell of my blood must have triggered the intense burning pain of thirst in Carlisle and Edward.

"I'm sorry…"

Edward reached his hand across, pulled my palm into his lap as he gently opened my hand to reveal the four distinct fingernail shaped cuts on my palm. He used the tail of his shirt to wipe away at the blood before Carlisle handed him an antiseptic wipe. He opened the packet and trailed it across my palm, gently… rhythmically… patiently.

"Don't apologize, Bella," he cooed as he unwrapped an adhesive bandage and covered the tiny cuts across my palm. He then turned my hand over and placed a tender kiss on the back of it, his eyes filled with a mixture of longing, pain, and love.

Tears welled in my eyes as I grabbed the pill from Carlisle's hand, ripped the plastic opened and swallowed it down with a sip of water.

I closed my eyes and tried to hold back the tears, but they poured out anyway.

"You might feel some nausea, but we're going to do everything we can to make sure you don't vomit, ok? We want you to keep this down until it's been completely absorbed. There are some possible side effects – you might experience abdominal pain, dizziness, some vaginal bleeding," I pulled the blanket up over my head as he continued, shame completely overtaking me, "it might change the timing of your period, so you might find that you're a few days early or late."

I said nothing from beneath the blanket.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Carlisle whispered, "we're almost done. I know this is difficult…" he trailed off, fiddling with something before continuing again "would you be OK with me taking your blood? I just want to get a sense of your blood counts and how your iron levels are fairing after the blood transfusion. I know you dislike needles so I'll make it as brief as possible."

I said nothing but pushed my arm out from beneath the blanket, pointing my elbow downward so that Carlisle could take my blood.

"Thank you."

He made quick work of it, indeed. I'd barely noticed it at all and before he'd left Edward and I to ourselves he'd given me another small dose of morphine to help with the pain.

Before I could fight it, I faded into a restless sleep.

* * *

 **A/N:** Your reviews give me life! Honestly! They fill me with so much motivation and make it easy for me to keep writing and working away at this.

I hope this chapter isn't confusing - there are some revelations that were made that might not be absolutely clear as of yet. Especially the realization that dawned on Carlisle regarding why Alice isn't able to see Bella despite the wolves being gone. The reason wasn't explicitly stated, but it will be next chapter so if you haven't deciphered it yet, hang in there!

As always - let me know what you think. I so look forward to your reviews.

xx,

-missmarlee


	13. Alive

Chapter 13 - Alive

I was sitting in the unreasonably large bathtub in the Cullen's guest bedroom.

I watched, entranced as the pinkish-tinged water swirled down the drain.

Blood.

My blood.

I'd been sitting like this for a while with Rosalie posted just outside the door, keeping guard, holding vigil, ready to come back inside at a moment's notice.

I was starting to shiver.

And I welcomed the feeling.

The icy cold water was the perfect contrast to the fiery heat of _his_ body.

My teeth were beginning to chatter, but I didn't care.

I wasn't done.

I couldn't be done until I was sure every fibre of him that he'd left behind was off of me, out of me – washed down the drain.

I plugged the drain with the stopper, and watched as the water level slowly began to rise.

I thought idly for a moment of just letting myself slip beneath the surface of water – to stay there.

I brushed the thought aside, slightly concerned that it had even entered my consciousness to begin with.

I reached up, grabbing for the bottle of lemon and lavender scented body wash.

 _Empty._

But I wasn't done.

"Rosalie," I called, barely above a whisper.

In an instant, she was by my side.

She stood next to the tub, purposely averting her gaze. Not out of a rudeness, dislike or contempt. But because she was respecting my privacy as much as she could in this moment.

"I need more soap," I said, trying to prevent the clashing of my teeth.

"You're shivering, Bella," she said simply.

"I know… I'm not done, though."

She stood for a moment, thinking.

And then she sighed, and nodded.

She walked over to the cupboard and pulled a bottle of body wash from the cupboard, placing it on the side of the tub.

"Do you need anything else?" she asked gently.

"No."

And then she was gone.

And I was scrubbing again.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"This is ridiculous," I said under my breath, braced against the wall of Carlisle's office.

"I agree, but we know that respecting Bella's autonomy is central to helping her regain trust in us," Carlisle explained.

"It isn't safe."

"I agree, son. We're close by, and we're listening for her. We can reach her in a second if she needs us. And we have to trust Rosalie."

I scoffed, the idea hilarious to me.

I heard a low growl emanate from Rosalie two floors above, clearly she was unimpressed with my lack of faith in her.

"Edward," Esme admonished me "Rosalie understands… possibly better than any of us ever could."

I thought about it for a moment. And as much as I hated to agree, I knew Esme was right. Rosalie did understand. I knew her thoughts intimately – more intimately than I'd like to. It was years before Rosalie was able to think of much else after her transformation. Even with the haziness of her human memories, she was still consumed by it.

I rubbed my temples, frustrated by my inability to help.

We were all shocked when Bella requested Rosalie's help. But it made sense now. Bella couldn't share this with me, because she felt, with so much certainty, that knowing about what had happened to her would change how I felt towards her. She felt, I was sure, that I would be repulsed by her.

She worried I wouldn't love her anymore.

And no wonder; I had managed to convince her, for months, that I _didn't_ love her. She was still wary of me – I could sense it.

And I didn't blame her. I had broken her trust so completely…

I wondered if she would ever trust me again. What I had done had been so horribly compounded by everything she'd endured. The layers of betrayal and pain she'd endured in the past several months was bound to significantly impact her perception of who she could and could not trust.

And with all that I'd done, I wasn't sure she'd ever grow to trust me again.

* * *

 **BPOV**

Everything was so incredibly hazy.

I was fading in and out again, my head foggy and blurry, I could barely make out where I was.

My head was throbbing.

I was shivering uncontrollably.

Talking…

Lots of talking all around me.

Frantic voices, and they were growing louder.

The sound of the water flowing out of the tap stopped abruptly, and then all I could hear were the frantic, panicked voices around me.

I could hear someone calling my name in the distance.

I tried to keep my eyes open but I didn't think I had the energy.

I tried to fight the darkness, but it was creeping into every facet of my vision, overtaking me.

I was so tired.

I just wanted to rest.

To close my eyes for just a moment.

And so I did.

* * *

 **EPOV**

Her heart… it was too slow.

It was too slow.

 _Too slow…_ I heard echoed back from Carlisle's thoughts.

I burst from Carlisle's office and ran to the bathroom, throwing the door open, causing it to rip from the hinges and shatter against the bedroom wall.

Rosalie was bent over the side of the tub, lifting Bella upright, calling her name frantically.

But Bella was unresponsive, her limbs hanging limply at her sides, a bluish hue settling into her extremities.

I pushed Rose out of the way, not taking care to be gentle and then pulled Bella's lifeless body out of the water and into my arms.

I carried her to the bed and Carlisle placed a long, plastic gurney board beneath her as I lowered her down, gently placing her atop the hard, plastic board.

Without hesitation I began CPR, concentrating with everything I had in me on not crushing the delicate bones of her ribcage beneath the force of my compressions.

Carlisle was next to me, pulling a series of syringes out, injecting them into Bella's IV line, working quickly, his thoughts devoid of panic – so unlike my own.

"Bella," I shouted between respirations.

"She can't hear you," Carlisle said, matter-of-factly. He moved around me, pulling a metal tray to the bedside, a series of instruments sitting atop it.

I heard Emmett, Jasper and Alice standing in the doorway, silently observing the ordeal. They had reacted almost as quickly as Carlisle and I had.

"Alice, we need your help," he commanded and she was next to me in an instant.

"The rest of you leave and wait downstairs."

Without objection Emmett and Jasper sped from the room.

"Alice," I growled out, "grab the ambubag next to Carlisle, attach the oxygen to it and begin ventilation while I continue compressions." Alice flew into action next to me, applying the mask to Bella's face and providing ventilation in between my compressions. We continued to work as Carlisle assessed her condition.

"Fuck!"

One of Bella's ribs gave way and cracked beneath the force of my compressions.

"It's ok, Edward. It's expected when performing CPR. Don't stop," he urged as he expertly maneuvered around the room, gathering all of the supplies he would need.

"Did I puncture something?" I croaked out, focusing with every fibre of myself on containing my strength.

"I don't know. We'll focus on that after."

"Rose – go into my office and grab the AED from the uppermost shelf of my supply cabinet," Carlisle commanded, and Rosalie flew into action. She was back in seconds, handing the device to Carlisle.

Compression and ventilation alone were not restarting Bella's still heart.

Carlisle placed the pads on Bella's chest and prepared the machine.

"Clear!" he shouted and I pulled my hands off of Bella.

I continued compressions until Carlisle called clear again, and I watched as Bella's lifeless body sprang forward off the bed from the force of the shock.

And again.

"Clear!"

Her lifeless, pale, blue body flew from the bed again.

And then suddenly her eyes flew open.

Complete terror was painted across her ashen face.

She tried to scream but couldn't. Instead, water spurted out of her mouth as she choked on it.

"It's me, Bella. It's Edward," I said frantically, rolling her onto her side as I spoke so that she could clear the water from her lungs.

Bella's eyes were wide open and completely bloodshot. Her panic hadn't dissipated.

"You passed out in the tub, Bella and aspirated a lot of water. You nearly drowned," Carlisle explained, moving to Bella's side, connecting her to several machines that would monitor her vitals signs.

Bella cried out in pain before grasping at her bare body.

I pulled the blanket up over her, covering her just enough so that Carlisle could still work without interference.

"You're ok, love. You're ok," I whispered, taking vigil at her bedside.

* * *

It was a long time before she settled and when she finally did she slept for a very long time.

She was awake now, sitting semi-reclined in her bed. She looked worse today than ever, her eyes were bloodshot, her skin a pale, ashen colour and her body beginning to cave in on itself from the severity of her malnourishment.

The panic of everything had been overwhelming. She was having a difficult time speaking, her throat had been agitated even more by her near drowning experience.

It didn't help that I had cracked another one of her ribs.

"Edward, I'm ok." She assured me. But it did nothing to quell the guilt that was raging on inside of me.

I was sitting next to Bella, her hands clasped in my own. She lay quietly in the bed, resting, thinking, recuperating.

"I want it out," she stumbled over the words, but Carlisle persisted.

"Bella, you fainted because of how malnourished you are. Your body simply doesn't have enough nourishment to sustain the basic bodily functions that keep you alive and breathing. We don't have any other options. A feeding tube is the best way to ensure you're receiving adequate nutrition."

Bella groaned, closing her eyes, her mouth setting in a hard line.

"I hate this," she complained quietly, her small hand ghosting over the tube that was protruding from her abdomen.

"I know. But it's important that we do everything we can to help you, love. This is going to ensure you achieve full mobility sooner so you can regain some of your autonomy again. Your body will heal exponentially faster once you're appropriately nourished."

She nodded and a small shiver rolled through her body.

I instinctively placed a hand against her forehead, noting how low her temperature had dropped.

"Bella, I might have to move away from you for a few minutes," I explained, watching her face twist into a painful confusion "just until you've warmed up a bit…"

"No," she pleaded, her eyes flooding with fear "I… I _like_ the cold."

I nodded, unsure of exactly what all of this meant to her, but I could sense it was a lot more than what I could glean just from her words.

"Ok, but we'll at least have to dress you in a few more layers and raise the temperature in here."

Bella nodded.

I walked to the closet, pulling a thick wool sweater from it. It was mine – and it was one of her favourites.

"How about this?"

She smiled.

"Yes."

I helped her slip the sweater over the thin, cotton gown Alice had dressed her in after the bathtub ordeal. Her painfully protruding bones reawakened the anguish I was trying to quell.

I carefully observed her, knowing full well that she was extremely attuned to me, enough so that she would notice if I were observing her. And in her current state of emotional fragility she would likely misconstrue my concern and care for disgust and contempt.

She had changed so much.

A transformation governed by violence.

"It smells like you," she said softly, holding the neckline to her nose, inhaling.

"Is that a good thing?" I chuckled, settling in next to her.

"That's a great thing."

I smiled, the sound of her voice filling me with gratitude.

She was alive.

She was here.

She was breathing.

We could fix the rest later.

* * *

 **A/N:** This chapter was intense, hard to write and I'm still not sure how I'm feeling about it. I think we're seeing Bella at rock bottom, and from this point forward things will begin to shift more dramatically and at a much faster pace. Things really, really pick up from here and it'll be a "hold on to your hats!" kind of vibe for the next few chapters.

Again, slow burn. But the slowness is about to speed up. Hang in there, folks!

And, let me know what you think! I *might* have it in me to edit the next chapter and post by the end of the week - but I need a bit of motivation to get myself into gear!


	14. Fire and Fight

Chapter 14 – Fire and Fight

It had only been six days, but things were already shifting.

Bella was mending. She was healing, albeit slowly. The feeding tube had been a huge part of the shift for her. It had allowed her body the nourishment she needed without the difficulty in actually eating. She was slowly regaining strength, though she was still very weak and her condition was still precarious.

Carlisle was more adamant about monitoring her vitals regularly, making charts and keeping track of her progress and noting where she was lagging behind. He was more dedicated and meticulous than ever before.

In part, it was because he blamed himself. He held himself responsible for Bella fainting in the bath tub. He figured he should have never approved of her being up and moving around so soon after such a traumatic incident.

He had taken a temporary leave from his work at the hospital. Most of his time was spent locked away in his office, making phone calls, finding ways to procure supplies and checking in every so often with Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie when he wasn't watching over Bella.

Bella was never alone. I was with her for all of her waking moments, and Carlisle was there when I wasn't. She didn't sleep soundly at all, but Carlisle had managed to convince her to raise her morphine dose to a slightly more comfortable level.

Her pain was excruciating, and managing it appropriately was an important cornerstone of her healing.

It made her quite drowsy, and fairly unresponsive. But it allowed her to rest. The brief moments where she would be awake and alert she would insist that we carry her downstairs and let her lay on the lounge around everyone else.

She'd even managed to make it 1/3 of the way through a documentary about Orcas last night before falling asleep.

Our household was moving in a natural rhythm.

I was planning and strategizing with Jasper and Emmett while Bella slept, and Carlisle was keeping watch while I was away from her.

Jasper was the liaison between our family and the wolves because I wasn't suitable for the role. Not only was I consumed with being as close in proximity to Bella as possible but I couldn't bare to see them without my anger consuming me. I had to stay away, at least for now.

At least until they brought me Paul.

There was still tension about how he would be dealt with once he'd been found, but Jasper assured me that he was working on it, and that he felt there would be some room – that this wouldn't have to come down to a fight. We could negotiate with the wolves, he insisted.

I was less optimistic.

Esme kept herself busy, procuring supplies from local hospitals, caring for each of us and making sure that Bella had all that she needed.

Rosalie kept her distance, and I understood why. It was painful for her to see Bella this way. Her knowledge of Bella's trauma was too intimate, too agonizing a reminder for her to spend very long in the same household.

Jasper was focused, as was Emmett, on ensuring Bella's safety.

And Alice… she was growing obsessed – her every thought consumed with trying to figure out when she would be able to see Bella again. She felt powerless without her sight.

"It'll be today," she said assuredly.

"What makes you think that?" Jasper asked, wrapping his arm around Alice's waist.

I sat across from them, Bella nestled into my side on the lounge, her body swathed in warm blankets as she slept soundly.

Alice blanched slightly and looked at me seriously.

 _6 days, Edward._

I nodded, catching the growl that was building in my chest.

Jasper looked at me, confusion clouding his thoughts.

"6 days, Jas. That's how long…"

"That's the maximum amount of time sperm can survive in the female body," Carlisle finished as he entered the room, his face pulled into tight lines as he spoke. He sat in the armchair next to the couch Alice and Jasper were on.

I had an immediate physical reaction to his words, and it felt somewhat beyond my control. Venom began pooling in my mouth and all of my defense systems were activated. The thought – the very undeniable reality that we were faced with triggered my anger. It took everything I had inside of me to remain composed.

I was quickly distracted, though, by Carlisle's demeanor. He had been unusually rigid lately, but this was more acute than usual. It was rare to see him leave his office unless he was attending to Bella or liaising with the wolves.

He had a reason for being here, I realized.

"What's wrong?" I questioned, knowing Carlisle well enough to know that his body language was telegraphing something serious.

"Charlie is on his way here. I dropped into the hospital to pick up supplies and he called me as I was on my way back home. I tried to stave him off but he refused. He's quite worried, understandably and is highly suspicious of the circumstances surrounding Bella's incident."

"I don't think Bella is up to the task of trying to convince Charlie of anything right now," I explained, staring at her peacefully sleeping form nestled into my body.

"It appears we don't have much of a choice in the matter. Charlie was insistent. Denying him access to Bella will certainly raise his suspicions even more." I nodded, trying to digest the information as quickly as possible so as to strategize and create the ideal conditions with the ideal outcome.

My mind was turning over all of the potential possibilities as well as their outcomes and in seconds I had formulated a plan that I was confident would provide us with best possible conclusion.

"We'll have to wake Bella and prepare her as best we can. Alice and Jasper can greet him at the door – Jasper, you'll have to closely monitor his mood and influence as much calmness in him as possible. Alice, Charlie's thoughts toward you have always contained a great deal of admiration, affection, and fondness. Your presence will quell whatever preconceived notions or anxieties he's bringing into this space."

"And Bella?" Alice questioned quietly, telegraphing her frustration in her thoughts and her body language. She was irritated with her inability to see Bella. Occasionally she caught a glimpse of things pertaining to Bella's future through someone else, but this was becoming less and less reliable and it was wholly unpredictable.

I looked down at Bella, noting how terribly fragile she appeared. Charlie, of course, was used to her fragility. Though she had lost a great deal of weight since our arrival, her weight loss preceded our return to Forks, so I was confident Charlie would be less focused on that aspect.

Her face was dreadfully bruised, black, blue and yellow hues decorating the delicate skin of her face, obscuring her features in a very obvious way. There was no real way to distinguish how those marks came to be – they were nondescript enough in their presentation that it wouldn't be too far a stretch to blame them on a fall.

It was likely that Charlie wouldn't see much more than her face, and possibly her hands. The rest of her body would be covered.

"I'll get something for her to change into that'll cover the bruises on her neck. Those ones are really a dead giveaway," Alice offered as though she was predicting my train of thought.

"Yes, please do." Alice whirled out of the room before I could finish my sentence.

"Carlisle, what can we do to normalize this as much as possible? Are you prepared to speak with Charlie?"

Carlisle nodded, standing to his feet as he did.

"I've considered that, and I think it's best if we remain consistent. Ensuring Charlie that her recovery is coming along well, but that there are still great strides to be made will hopefully help him understand that Bella is ok, but still needs to remain with us to be monitored closely."

"Fine, that should work. Esme, Rose and Emmett?" I questioned, wanting to ensure that everyone was on the same page and that nobody would be joining us mid-way through the visit uninformed about our plans.

"Emmett and Rose are guarding the perimeter and Esme is picking up supplies from a hospital in Seattle. They understand that they aren't to return until Charlie has left," I nodded my understanding and watched as Carlisle sped out of the room and up the stairs to his office.

I took the moment of solitude to observe Bella's sleeping form. She appeared to be so frail and slight beneath the mammoth comforters she was covered in. I'd always thought of Bella as frail – not in mind or spirit, but in her stature and demeanor. She was so very human and vulnerable in all of the ways that humans were as the prey of vampires. But despite her vulnerabilities, Bella's presence was strong and enduring. She was alight with fire and fight. And even in these times, where Bella had been subjected to untold horrors, that flame was still flickering, still persevering.

It had changed, yes. Maybe it had even been dulled, but it wasn't fully extinguished. I could see it in the way she refused things she didn't agree with. Or the way she insisted on putting herself in harm's way to do what she thought would offer protection to those she loved.

Or the way she smiled at me yesterday when I made an offhand comment about Emmett's incompetence after he unintentionally insulted Esme's cooking.

Bella was still here.

Still flickering.

Still brightly burning despite the horror of it all.

* * *

 **BPOV**

"He's on his way here? Right now?"

"I'm afraid so, Bella. There was nothing I could do to persuade him otherwise. He insisted upon seeing you today – immediately. He's concerned, and understandably so."

Carlisle's words were barely registering. Somehow, Charlie coming here – seeing me – it made all of this more real. I wasn't ready to be pulled from this haze. With Edward and his family there was a commitment they each had in protecting me, and preserving my well-being above all else. I felt guilty for it, but I didn't have the strength to insist they stop pestering me with their overprotectiveness and excessive graciousness.

With Charlie on his way here and the knowledge that I would have to flip the script and preserve his personal well-being, I was beginning to long for the safety and comfort of being exposed only to the Cullen's.

I was still unsure about their motivations – was it love, or just a sense of duty and obligation? In any case, in this moment, I was sorely missing their slow, enduring pace.

"I know this is a lot to digest, love. But we have to prepare you for this. I'm sorry to spring all of this on you so suddenly, but unless we conceal the truth from Charlie, we could be putting him at even greater risk," Edward's velvety smooth voice wrapped around me, uplifting me for a moment before I processed the meaning of his words, which then caused me to crash back into reality.

"The risk… that's the… Volturi… right? And they… could hurt Charlie? And all of you?" I struggled to pull the words out of my head, to fetch them from within the darker corners of my mind. But hearing them speak of risk immediately attuned me to what that could mean for them.

I took notice of the four faces in the room. Each of them was painted with confusion and shock. I was puzzled.

 _Is what I just said not true?_

I internally questioned, afraid that I had said something offensive or inappropriate. Or maybe just hearing that name spoken aloud was enough to frighten the Cullen's. And if that were the case… he was right.

Were my deepest fears being confirmed right before my very eyes?

"Bella…" Carlisle started, speaking slowly and with great caution "you needn't worry about the Volturi, they rarely involve themselves in the day to day happenings of vampire covens. What we're suggesting is merely a precaution to ensure that Charlie is as removed from all of this as possible. Carlisle sat across from me, his hands folded in his lap. He was trying to hide it – his shock and horror. And he wasn't doing a very good job of it, either.

He looked absolutely mortified.

They could sense it, I realized. They could tell there was more to what I was saying than what I was letting on. They knew that when I said 'risk' I meant more than just a risk to Charlie.

I thought about telling them, about revealing what I'd been containing inside of me since all of this came to a head. I even started to speak, willing the words to spill from me because at this point it was more important that I warn them than leave them in the dark with no head start or pre-emptive advantage.

But the words stopped before they could spill from my mouth. My throat constricted and my stomach twisted into a thousand tiny, unbearable knots. My hands started quivering involuntarily and I could feel the urge to vomit beginning to build in me.

"Bella, love. Relax. It's ok," Edward placed a gentle arm across my shoulders, pulling me closer into his body as he mimicked the breathing pattern he wanted me to replicate in order to calm myself down. I reluctantly followed his lead, inhaling and exhaling on cue.

"Bella, I know this is very difficult. I know that it must be frightening – to see all of us look so concerned and shocked. But I assure you we're only confused. We can't quite seem to understand why you think they'd pose any risk to us?" Carlisle's thoughts seemed to flow out of him involuntarily. He was pressing.

Because he knew.

Again, I wanted to answer him, but I started sputtering and the words were lodged in my throat again, making it harder and harder for me to breath.

" _Paul, please. Get off of me." My voice came out of me far more pleading than I'd intended it to. But given the current circumstances, it was difficult to control my physical reaction._

 _Paul's body was pressing my own into the wall of my bedroom, his hands holding my arms above my head in what I was sure was a bruising grip. I struggled against his weight, trying to pry my way to freedom._

" _You don't get it, do you?" He spat, his nostrils flaring in his rage. I could feel my body rumbling – not shaking, but rumbling. Low vibrations were coursing through me, and I tried my very hardest to tense my muscles to prevent him from seeing. I didn't want him to know how afraid I was._

" _No. I really don't. If you're worried I'll tell anyone else about what happened last week… I won't. I promise. Nobody has to know; it was just a stupid misunderstanding." I was begging now, my body beginning to burn at the sensation of being so forcefully compressed between Paul's body and the wall._

" _This isn't about last week, sweetheart. It's about_ _ **right**_ _now. It's about the future, the past. All of it. This was a long time coming for you and those bloodsuckers," Paul's eyes were alight with rage now, and the way his eyes locked on to my own confirmed for me that he was here for blood._

 _He wouldn't be satisfied until I'd paid my dues for whatever it is he blamed me for._

" _Why?" I whispered, pushing weakly back against his weight, my energy drained. He pressed his full body against mine again, and I could feel his anticipation pressing squarely against my navel._

 _And that's when I knew what he was about to do to me…_

 _I thought about screaming._

 _About running._

 _About fighting._

 _But there was something about the fiery heat of his massive body that told me it would be useless. His strength was overwhelming. His power was so far beyond my own, or Charlie's… the only match for him, I realized, was hundreds - possibly thousands - of miles away with no hopes of ever returning._

" _Take off your shirt," he commanded, his voice heavy with lust and anger, mixing into the most horrifying combination of emotions I'd ever been subjected to._

" _No. Paul please. Tell me what I can do. How can I fix this?"_

 _He paused for a moment and stared at me. His fierce, raging brown eyes had captured my own and we exchanged a look for what felt like forever. I tried my very hardest to push out some of the empathy existing inside of me, hoping that if Paul viewed me as a sentient, emotional human being he might be inclined to change his mind._

 _But again – those eyes, the fire of his body, the rigidity of his muscles – all of it told me that I was fighting a losing battle._

 _I had never witnessed such an empty rage before in my life. Not even in James. James had been tied to Victoria, and that tether kept him circulating love and empathy, even if it was only extended to her. There was still something I could see in his eyes._

 _But here, right now – in Paul's eyes there was nothing but emptiness._

 _And then his hands released my wrists and my body slumped forward onto the ground, my arms aching in protest._

 _I gasped, relieved to have ended the burning that was overwhelming the joints of my arms._

" _You wanna' know how you can fix this?" He questioned, holding my gaze still._

 _I nodded as I tried, desperately to contain my tears._

" _You can . ," his words were fire and rage. Lethal. Final._

 _My horror was mounting with each passing second as the realization began to settle into the depths of me. I wouldn't make it out of this unscathed._

 _Paul would have his way with me, whether I wanted him to or not._

 _In my desperation, I thought of ways to avoid this inevitability._

" _Charlie… he'll… he'll be home soon," I lied easily, hoping that it would be enough to deter him._

 _Paul chuckled._

" _That's fine. If you make even the smallest sound, I'll kill him – and I'll make you watch every last second of it. And then I'll kill you." And then he smiled, and pushed me flat onto my back, my head banging loudly off the ground beneath me._

" _He'll kill you, you know?"_

 _I didn't believe it. Not even for a second. I didn't believe that Edward would return to Forks, would hear about any of this, would even try to figure out where I was or how I was doing. He'd been gone for so long, and each time I hoped and prayed for him to return, I'd end up disappointed. He had more than proven he was moving on with this life._

 _But I was so desperate – so terrified – that I'd say anything if I thought it would stop Paul._

 _He eyes flashed, rage boiling deep inside of him._

" _Oh you stupid, stupid girl. I'm_ _ **counting**_ _on him finding out. I'm counting on him coming after me. And when he does, I'll rip all of them to shreds and build a bonfire with their body parts. And all of La Push will celebrate, bowing to me like I'm their Alpha." And with that he lowered himself, fully clothed on top of me, as he roughly began pulling at my shirt before finally ripping it open._

 _The horror inside of me was unparalleled. I'd never been more sickened and afraid in my life, but I couldn't let him see it. And beneath the fear was my will to fight._

 _Before I could stop myself I said "you'll never be a match for him. You'd never win. They'd kill you before you even laid a hand on them," my tone was ominous and threatening, even to me. But I'd seen what they were capable of, and I knew it was true._

 _For a second, Paul looked frightened._

 _But that emotion faded as quickly as it had risen._

 _And he laughed._

 _A deep, menacing, bone-chilling laugh._

" _You think I'm alone in this?"_

 _I was stunned. My stomach churned at the suggestion._

" _Jake?" I groaned out._

" _Nah. He's in love with you, or didn't you know? He'd never have what it takes to do what needed to be done for our people."_

" _Then who?"_

 _He lowered his mouth to my face and placed a soft kiss on my cheek._

" _The Volturi," he whispered._

* * *

 **EPOV**

Bella was catatonic. Her eyes had glossed over and she was frozen in place, unmoving.

I knew this all too well, though. She was remembering something, totally preoccupied with her own thoughts, so much so that they were stealing her from the present and pulling her back to a moment that involved Paul.

"Bella, love? Talk to me," I whispered, my mouth inches away from her ear as I smoothed small circles across the small of her back, hoping the tenderness would pull her from whatever horror she was reliving.

 _Give her a minute. She'll return to us when her mind has retracted whatever danger signals it flared up to send her into this particular panic,_ Carlisle reassured me from within his thoughts. It wasn't a very comforting thought, knowing that her mind had pulled her from the present and shifted her back into a reality where he could still hurt her.

I desperately wanted to pull her from that reality so that she would know she was safe. But it didn't work like that. I'd learned, rather quickly, that these things had to run their course.

The room had grown quiet. But in the silence I could still hear Alice, Jasper and Carlisle's thoughts raging.

We all knew what was happening to Bella before our very eyes, and we were desperate to help her, but there was nothing we could do. So we sat, helpless, at the mercy of whatever it was that was forcing her through this, ready and waiting to support her back into the present when she returned.

Jasper, with all his strength, was pressing forth with as many soothing, calming, gentle waves of safety and security as he could manage. It seemed to be working as Bella's tensed body was slowly relaxing.

And in the silence, we all had time to process our thoughts. Bella had been concerned about the Volturi's involvement, and surely they weren't involved. But that didn't explain how that monster had known about them and known enough about them to threaten Bella with retribution from the most powerful coven of vampires that had ever existed. No wonder Bella was petrified - no wonder she suffered silently through all of it.

This was unveiling to all of us that there was a strong likelihood that Paul hadn't acted alone, that he had help. Someone that was goading him, perhaps? Someone that was planting information in his mind?

But now wasn't the time to discuss this. We couldn't express our thoughts aloud for fear that Bella might hear. So we all held on to the thoughts, vowing to return to them later.

Ten minutes passed before she returned to us. And when she did her panic persisted. She looked around frantically, her hands reaching up to her throat, resting there as though to convince herself that his hands weren't still wrapped around her neck.

I growled, but it didn't seem to phase Bella as she continued to work to convince herself that she was safe.

"Bella?" I whispered, afraid that speaking too loudly might startle her. Her head snapped in my direction and her eyes searched my own, holding there for a long while before she eyed me up and down.

Tears were pouring from her eyes now as her head whipped in every direction.

"You're safe, Bella."

We allowed her to settle for a few more minutes, and eventually she uncurled herself from me and allowed me to help her sit directly next to me.

"He…" she started her eyes filled with grief and uncertainty. Whatever she was about to say was taking a great deal of strength and courage.

"He promised that he'd…" she exhaled sharply, bowing her head, purposely avoiding eye contact with all of us. "He said he'd kill you. He said that he'd have help…"

And then it clicked. I'd been speculating earlier, but it seemed too ludicrous to be true. Besides, how would Paul know anything about our world? He only recently transformed, certainly not long enough to know about any of our laws or rules. Not to mention that it wasn't something we had ever revealed to the wolves in the past, even when we drew up the terms of our treaty years ago.

"Bella, did he tell you that he would have the Volturi help us?"

Bella looked at me, her eyes filled with so much grief it nearly cracked my composure. Contained within her brilliant, brown eyes was an unparalleled amount of pain and sadness. And within them I found two things that were absolutely clear now:

She blamed herself.

And she believed him.

She nodded, the tears flowing faster and harder now.

I looked at Carlisle now. I wanted to reassure Bella, to cancel out all of her fears, but I needed Carlisle's confirmation first that this was outside the realm of anything the Volturi would ever partake in.

They might be ruthless and cunning, but as far as I knew they would never align themselves with a wolf to achieve personal gains. Other vampires? Yes. But wolves were out of the question. It was beneath the Volturi to consort with anyone or anything they viewed as being less than themselves. And that basically precluded all species but vampires.

 _It's not possible, Edward. There's no way the Volturi are behind any of this._

I nodded.

"Bella, love. I can assure you that the Volturi had no part in any of this. They weren't and aren't colluding with him." Bella looked at me, dead on, holding me there for a minute before speaking.

"How do you know?" She exhaled, her voice soft and low.

In this moment, she looked so vulnerable and frail that I thought she might disintegrate before my very eyes.

"Carlisle knows the Volturi very well, Bella. And he is absolutely confident this isn't something they would ever partake in. Ruthless though they may be, they are governed by rules as well, and they hold those rules in high esteem. They wouldn't conspire with wolves. It goes against everything they are. It violates their most fundamental laws."

She exhaled, her shoulders dropping, her brow unfurling, her hands untensing. Her entire body had a physical reaction to my words and it was then that I realized how much she'd been holding. There was so much I still didn't know. Things were slowly unfolding, but each and every time Bella uncovered something and allowed me in, it reawakened the anguish I felt in knowing she'd suffered so profoundly.

I reached a hand toward her moving at the slowest possible pace, assessing her reaction before resting my hand against her battered, bruised, swollen cheek, moving at the slowest possible pace, assessing her reaction before resting my hand against her battered, bruised, swollen cheek.

And for the first time she accepted the gesture without jumping away from me, without having her body swing into overdrive as a protective mechanism. Instead, she gently pushed her cheek against my hand and closed her eyes.

I placed a gentle kiss at the apex of her brows, lingering there for a moment, relishing in the physical contact, reveling in the feeling of having her in my arms, untouched by the horrors her mind contained.

She pulled away and looked up at me, her brown eyes filling with tears that were resting on the brim of her eyes lids.

"I'm sorry," she offered, shame filling her once again.

"Shhh," I whispered, catching her tears with my index finger as they fell.

"You have nothing to apologize for, love."

The intimacy of the moment we were sharing was abruptly halted when Carlisle cleared his throat and stood to his feet.

"I'm sorry Bella, but we must discuss your meeting with Charlie. He'll be here shortly, and we think it's best if you change into something that isn't as revealing?"

I was grateful for Carlisle and for his ability to convey very uncomfortable truths with a grace and gentleness that I'd never known in another living creature. Even the worst of news, if delivered by Carlisle, would be manageable.

Bella nodded and Alice jumped up, all of her movements overshadowed by the melancholy that seemed to follow her everywhere these days.

"Are you ok with this, Bella?" Alice asked, a small smile on her lips.

In one hand, Alice held up a beautiful indigo blue turtleneck dress that would probably fall right at Bella's knees. In her other hand, she held a pair of thick, cotton ivory-coloured tights.

"That's fine," Bella replied without enthusiasm, her voice listless and dull.

"Let me help you upstairs, Bella and then we can get you fixed up and chat a bit about how we're going to handle all of this," Alice's voice was so gentle it was almost painful. Her relationship with Bella was clearly marked by everything that had happened. The changes were painfully obvious and I could tell by the look of sadness of Bella's face that she could sense it, too.

Bella looked at me, her eyes conveying her concern.

"I'll be waiting right down here, love. I'm not going anywhere."

I helped Bella to her feet and carried her to Alice's bedroom before returning downstairs to the sitting room.

Carlisle was waiting there, a yellow file folder sitting on his lap.

"I don't think Charlie will be easily convinced, especially when he lays eyes on her," he explained.

"I agree," Jasper said "what's the file folder for? You're not seriously considering allowing him to see Bella's medical notes?"

"No, of course not. That would reveal far more than we'd ever want _anyone_ to know. Those notes are for my personal benefit, so I can chart and document everything to do with Bella's recovery so that if there ever comes a time when she wants to review it, she can do so easily."

Jasper nodded.

"I was wondering why you were documenting Bella's condition."

"This folder," Carlisle started, holding the folder in his hand "is a decoy. I assembled it a few days ago anticipating Charlie's eagerness to see Bella. It contains detailed notes of the incident we claimed to have happened. Alice was helping me with it, so she'll be able to brief Bella on everything that's inside of it. You'll both need to look at it so our stories can remain consistent," Carlisle explained.

"We'll memorize it with ease, but this folder his thick and filled with minute details that Bella couldn't possibly remember after a single conversation."

"You're right Jasper. Which is why I intend to be with Bella at all times. If Charlie begins to press too much I can interject with the relevant information that should hopefully quell him long enough for us to change the subject. Besides, it's not as though he'll expect Bella to be aware of every small detail. You'll see from these notes that Bella lost consciousness with her fall and suffered a concussion, along with some minor short term memory loss. Hopefully, that will provide her with enough of an excuse to explain away her lack of awareness."

"Hopefully," I alleged, jetting across the room, picking up anything that might arouse his suspicions. Any needless medical equipment, anything that might make her condition seem more precarious than we wanted him to believe it to be.

A few minutes later and Alice helped Bella down the stairs.

The turtleneck dress Alice had chosen paired with the ivory tights was perfect. Having Bella dressed in regular clothing was an important facet of helping Charlie feel comfortable with the story we'd given him. We didn't want him to fully understand how badly injured Bella was. If it appeared that she was recovering well he might be less inclined to pry. Of course, with Carlisle's explanation of her head injuries, we hoped Charlie would understand the need for Bella to remain with us.

Bella looked more alive than I'd seen her in days. Alice had changed the bandage on her face, replacing it with a smaller, cleaner bandage that she had neatly taped to her face. Her hair was neatly pulled back into a single braid that fell down to just beneath her waist. The sleeves of the dress were long enough that they seemed to cover her badly bruised hands.

I paused, realizing I wanted to compliment Bella but I was frightened that anything I said might reawaken a memory.

But I took the chance anyway.

"You look stunning, Bella," I said, trying to remove any hesitation from my voice, knowing that if Bella sensed it she would misinterpret it completely.

At to my delight, she smiled. The look of panic that had been painted across her face was momentarily replaced with a genuine smile.

And then the panic returned as Bella asked, "do you think this will work?"

"We'll take care of it. You needn't worry," Carlisle assured her.

In the distance I heard the familiar sound of Charlie's police cruiser rolling across the paved highway, followed by the sound of his car turning onto the gravel road.

"He's here," I explained, looking at Bella, trying to assess her well-being.

She looked resolute. She looked determined. Her eyes were filled with a dim light, but a light all the same.

I knew that when it came to protecting others, Bella made sure she was at her best and nothing less. With her knowing how important this was, she was putting the extra pressure of performing perfectly onto her own shoulders.

"Relax." I placed a hand on her shoulder, rubbing across the tensed muscles of her back. She cringed and then I remembered the physical exam I'd helped Carlisle perform the day of her attack.

Images of her horribly bruised back flashed back into my mind and I pulled my hands from her body as though she were made of molten lava.

"Sorry," she whispered, her eyes catching the floor and holding there.

But before I could say much more I heard the sound of Charlie's car parking, the door creaking open and then slamming shut.

I took Bella's hand and gently led her toward the sitting room, helping her sit on the couch across from the chair she usually occupied. We wanted to avoid, as much as possible, making it appear as though she had any issues with mobility. If Charlie was to know about the pain she felt when walking he would grow even more suspicious and her multiple fracture ribs, we feared, might make him more suspicious than he already was.

Bella inhaled and then exhaled in a rhythmic way. I pulled her hand into my own and ran a gentle finger across the back of her knuckles.

And then we braced ourselves.

* * *

 **A/N:** Here it is! This chapter was initially twice as long but I cut the second half into a second chapter in order to get this edited and posted ASAP.

Let me know what you think. A lot was revealed in this chapter and I'm **very** curious to hear your thoughts.

As always, thank you for your reviews! They were fabulous and kept me floating through the edits of this chapter and the next. They were a really fantastic motivator.

xx

-missmarlee


	15. Secrets

**A/N:** Here it is! Very late - my apologies for that. I had finals and they seemed to take over every spare second of time I had. I couldn't get around to editing this until this week. Finals are done now - yay! I hope you enjoy this chapter.

* * *

Chapter 15 – Secrets

 **EPOV**

I sat next to Bella, her hand still clasped in mine as we waited for the knock on the door. I could sense that her anxiety was piquing, but there was nothing I could do to bring her any ease. This moment would be difficult – no matter how ardently we hoped Charlie would believe the story we had given him; it was unlikely that he wouldn't be suspicious.

I anticipated his reaction to seeing Bella. We had downplayed the seriousness of her injuries and I was certain that when Charlie saw her for himself he would realize that we did so in a deliberate attempt to keep him in the dark. At the time it was the only choice we had. Bella was refusing to be forthright and the wolves were involved. There was so little time to meet all of Bella's needs and every member of my family had been preoccupied. There hadn't been an opportune moment to address Charlie's role in all of this. So we did all we could to keep him at bay, knowing that there would be consequences later on, but willing to deal with them if it meant keeping Bella alive.

And here we were – at the precipice of confronting those consequences.

"He'll know…" Bella whispered, her eyes cast downwards as she pulled at the hem of the elegant and simple dress Alice had fitted her in.

I wasn't sure how to respond. Honesty felt most appropriate in this moment because lying to Bella wouldn't protect her from what was about to transpire.

"He might. But we've already devised a cover story in case he doesn't believe the original story," I offered, hoping that would bring her some ease.

"Do you really think he'll believe it?" She questioned, her voice quivering in the wake of her panic.

"Just allow Carlisle and I to explain, Bella. It will be fine. I promise you that." And I did. My promise was genuine. Even if Charlie questioned every facet of the story we'd told him I would do whatever it took to keep him safe and to safeguard Bella's secrets. I owed her that.

"Ok," she replied, resting her head against my shoulder as she exhaled slowly.

"That's it, love. It'll be alright," I assured her, placing a gentle kiss against her temple.

The knock we had been expecting never came – but a loud, frantic pounding did. The door rattled with the force of it and Bella's entire body stiffened at the sound. I watched as her eyes glazed over in shock and the colour drained from her body.

"Bella?"

Nothing. She wasn't responsive. She was dissociative. Something about Charlie's frantic pounding on the door had triggered a reaction in Bella that left her in a state of catatonia. I knew we had run out of time and there was no quick fix to this.

I stood, gently pulling her up with me and held her against me.

"You're safe, love. It's just me." I realized immediately that her mind had interpreted the banging and aggressiveness as a threat and that this had triggered her most primal instincts to take over the controls of her body.

She couldn't stay here – not like this. I pulled her into my arms and in seconds we were upstairs and tucked away in my bedroom. We stayed like this as I listened to the happenings downstairs, acutely aware that Charlie was much angrier and much more aggressive than we'd anticipated.

I could have guessed that he would be suspicious of our story – but there was something more to his anger.

I searched his thoughts and found that his anger was even more consuming than it had been in its physical manifestation.

He was subdued in the physicality of his body, his voice quiet though he spoke every word through tightly clenched teeth and his body was absolutely rigid with his rage. I tapped into the thoughts of Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle to see Charlie through their thoughts – and it was all the confirmation I needed.

Something wasn't right.

* * *

 **CarlislePOV**

Charlie was pulsing with the force of his anger. From the moment he'd pulled up to our house in his cruiser I knew something wasn't right. The sound of his every moment was evidence of his rage, and it was impossible to miss the telltale signs that humans telegraphed in their body's.

The stomping and dragging of his feet. The elevated heart rate. The thin sheen of sweat that was covering his brow. His clenched fists and jaw.

He'd been amenable with Esme over the phone two days ago. And his phone call with me today was mostly agreeable, albeit a bit strained. He had been very anxious to see Bella but I hadn't detected any underlying emotional burden.

The presence of Charlie, standing here in front of me now was something entirely different. He was what could only be described as livid and there was no amount of reasoning with him that would calm him down.

Try as Jasper might it appeared that his gift was working, but not as well as we needed it to be. Or perhaps Charlie's anger was so impetuous that Jasper's effect was minimally noticeable.

"Chief Swan – I understand that you're upset and concerned for Bella's well-being but I assure you that she's been well-cared for in her time here," I explained, trying my best to remain calm and project that very emotion back at Charlie.

"Frankly, I don't care. She's my kid and its time I take her home," Charlie was speaking through gritted teeth, his hands firmly grasping a thin, white sheet of paper. He was holding on to it like it was some sort of lifeline, holding him in place.

I looked at Jasper and noticed that his eyes were fixated on the very same sheet of paper wedged in Charlie's vice-like grasp. He was as curious about its significance as I was.

"Where is she?" He ground out, his body humming with the force of his fury.

"She's upstairs – but she's resting right now." I had heard Bella's reaction to Charlie's entrance, and I knew that she had hyperventilated and subsequently collapsed. I heard the sounds of Edward pulling her into his arms and running her upstairs.

It wouldn't bode well for any of us were Charlie to see her in her current state of withdrawal and Edward knew this as well as I did. I was grateful that he had reacted with such haste and had removed Bella from a situation that would have, without a doubt, left her in more disarray than she could handle.

"I don't care if she's resting. I need to lay eyes on her," Charlie's voice was tight and raw and each word was spoken like a harshly dictated command.

"Chief Swan, please understand that we have Bella's best interest at heart – we're doing everything we can to keep take care of her."

Charlie's body tensed violently at my words and his reaction took us all by surprise.

"I need to see her. And I need to see her now," he whispered in a tone that would have been threatening and unnerving if I were human. Instead, it served more as an indicator of his emotional state than it did as an indication of any threat.

I thought for a moment, quickly calculating all of the possible options in this moment before deciding how to proceed.

"I understand. Let me show you upstairs." I heard Bella beginning to stir and I knew that there was no way we would be able to reasonably hold Charlie off any longer. It was unfortunate but we needed to deal with this now. There was no more prolonging the inevitable.

I led him upstairs, making sure to move at as leisurely a pace as possible.

We knocked on the door and in seconds Edward pulled it open, greeting me with a very stern and serious look on his face. I didn't need to see inside of Edward's mind to know that he wasn't thrilled at the prospect of Charlie going anywhere near Bella in his current state of anger. But he knew as well as I did that we couldn't keep him from her any longer.

Edward stepped aside as Charlie pushed his way through the door, throwing his chest forward in what I was sure was an attempt to knock Edward out of the way. It was a good thing Edward avoided Charlie because if he hadn't it would have meant several broken bones for him.

Bella was sitting upright on the edge of the bed, her eyes still glassy and her hair a bit tussled but looking similar to how she had when I'd left her in the sitting room with Edward before Charlie's arrival.

She stood to her feet, taking her time and biting back the grimaces of pain that were trying to break their way through her perfect façade.

Charlie's face was tight and filled with tension. And when he laid eyes on Bella some of that faded. He looked somewhat relieved.

But more prevalent than his relief was the anguish I saw there. I was sure Bella hadn't noticed it. He was doing everything in his power to conceal it, but it was there – ever present and alarming.

The corners of his mouth were downturned and tears were in the very early stages of beginning to well in the brims of his eyelids. It wouldn't have been noticeable to Bella or any other human, but vampires could easily detect human emotions before other humans could. We could see the small shifts and changes in a person's demeanor.

It this moment I could see that, on the inside, beneath the façade that Charlie was maintaining, was a profound turmoil.

"Hey Bells," he chimed, his voice tight with the effort he was exerting to hold his tears at bay.

"Hi dad," she smiled, moving towards him with her arms outstretched. He met her and pulled her into a gentle hug. So gentle, in fact, that it led me to believe that he knew that applying any more force than he already was would have meant aggravating some of the injuries Bella had that we were trying to conceal.

"How yah been, kid?" He asked, pulling away from her as he stared her up and down, surely taking mental stock of the changes he noted in her.

"I'm alright. I feel better," she offered, still smiling.

"That's good…" he paused, holding her at arms length as he looked her up and down "you look pretty banged up, Bells. What happened?"

The quiver in his voice was unmistakeable and from the look on Bella's face, I could see she had noticed it, too.

"I fell. I wasn't paying attention… and I fell. But I'm alright. Emmett and Jasper found me and Dr. Cullen took care of me and I'm starting to heal. I feel much better than I did a few days ago…"

Charlie reached a hand up and ghosted it over her face, tracing along the long gash that was torn across her face, his eyes surveying the extensive swelling and horrible bruising that outlined the cut.

"How'd that happen?" He asked, his voice soft – unusually soft.

Bella inhaled sharply and pulled away, trying to mask her reaction with a small smile.

"I hit it against a rock…"

Charlie looked at her, catching her eyes for a moment and I saw there, swimming in the depths of his deep brown eyes, a plethora of pain that was reserved for the bond a parent had with their child.

I realized that the depth of his hurt could only be mirrored by Edward's.

It was consuming.

But, for whatever reason, he remained silent. He didn't pursue it any further. He left it as it was and accepted Bella's story exactly as she'd relayed it to him.

But Edward and I knew.

We knew that Charlie was holding back.

He was preserving something – holding space for Bella and whatever narrative she wanted to create around what had happened to her.

I was desperate to know what Edward had found in his thoughts but it was impossible to determine in front of Charlie. There was no way to ascertain the truth in front of him that wouldn't alert his suspicions.

"You look real skinny, Bella. Have you been eating?" Charlie questioned as the four of us made our way downstairs. Bella was inconspicuously braced against Edward's side as we made our way down and I could see from the way he was holding her that he was supporting most, if not all, of her weight, trying to alleviate some of the pain she felt with movement.

She was doing an excellent job of controlling her reactions. My heart felt saddened knowing this… and I idly wondered how she'd become so adept at hiding things.

And then it clicked. She was proficient at it because she'd been hiding so much for so long and her ability to conceal it was what had kept her alive.

I heard Edward growl lowly behind me, only loud enough that I would hear and I realized he'd been monitoring my thoughts and where they were taking me had disturbed him greatly.

"Can I get you anything to eat or drink, Chief Swan?" I asked as he followed us into our family sitting room. He shook his head and sat down on the seat opposite Bella, his eyes never leaving her body as he did.

"No. I'm alright."

We sat and conversed this way for a few more minutes, Bella directing most of the conversation as she asked Charlie how work was and asked if he'd spoken to Renee about what happened to her.

He hadn't and his rationale had been the same as hers the first time she'd ever visited Forks hospital – when Tyler had almost crashed into her with his van. Renee would overreact – she'd worry too much and it wasn't worth involving her unless it was life or death.

Bella chuckled when Charlie said that and I saw a light enter both his and Edward's eyes as she did. Her happiness was directly correlated to their own.

Once the conversation had naturally lulled Charlie turned to me, his eyes locked onto mine.

"I need to take her home now," he explained. It wasn't a question or a gentle suggestion. He was telling me that this is what he wanted and this is how it would be.

I braced myself for what would come next as I watched Edward stiffen next to Bella.

"I understand your eagerness, Chief Swan. I really do. However, Bella's condition hasn't stabilized a point yet where I would feel comfortable discharging her from my around the clock care," I explained, keeping my voice as even an controlled as possible.

"What's wrong with her coming home? What can she get here that I can't give her at home?" Bella's face blanched as Charlie spoke and her hands tightened into fists against her sides.

"My care, for one. The care of a doctor that is completely and solely dedicated to her recuperation and healing. As per our discussion on the phone, Bella suffered some head trauma that needs close monitoring." Charlie stood stock still, his eyes still trained on mine as he mulled over the thoughts in his head.

I knew what his response would be when I saw Edward's body relax from my periphery.

"Is this ok with you Bells?"

Bella nodded once in response.

"Fine."

He stood and Bella mirrored his movements. He pulled her into a brief hug and cleared his throat.

"I'll be back to visit you. And I'll talk to Dr. Cullen here about figuring out when you can come home," he said, his voice shaky and ragged again.

Bella nodded, her eyes holding Charlie's and I could see tears brimming there.

Before she could control them the tears slipped past the brim and fell down her terribly bruised cheek. Charlie groaned and swiped at the falling tears, wordlessly pulling her back into his arms. And then he let her go, placed a soft kiss on her forehead and turned on his heel to face Alice who had suddenly appeared in the doorway midway through Charlie's conversation with Bella.

"Alice, she needs her rest. Would you take her back upstairs for me?" Alice cocked an eyebrow in mine and Edward's direction and I saw Edward nod almost imperceptibly.

"Sure thing, Chief Swan. It was good to see you – though hopefully, our next encounter is on better terms." Alice danced her way over to Bella and pulled Bella's hand into her own, leading her toward the stairway.

Bella looked confused, tired and defeated.

I wasn't sure how many of the nuanced moments of the conversation that she'd picked up on, but my guess, knowing her, was that she caught a fair bit of it.

But she didn't object. She walked behind Alice, taking her time so as not to aggravate her healing body.

And then we were left there, alone in the sitting room with Charlie.

Charlie stood statue still, then dug into the pocket of his jacket, pulling the crumpled piece of white paper from it and holding it upright in the palm of his hand.

"What in the hell happened to my daughter?" He growled out, his voice low and menacing.

Edward caught my eye and advanced toward Charlie but stopped partway there.

"Let's speak outside, Chief Swan."

Wordlessly we all followed Edward out to the front stoop of our home.

Charlie advanced toward him and shoved the piece of paper against his chest. I moved next to Edward and read it over as he did.

 _Charlie,_

 _Sorry to be the one that has to tell you, but your precious little girl is no more than a whore. You'll be pleased to know that while her freakshow lover was away I took_ _ **very**_ _good care of her. Now that he's back, she has no use for me anymore. But that doesn't mean_ _ **I**_ _can't think of a few good ways to use_ _ **her**_ _._

 _I know she'll never forget me – not for as long as she lives. I'll be the star in all of her waking and sleeping moments._

 _-P_

Edward's entire body was rumbling as he actively worked his hardest to suppress the growl that was building deep within his body. My reaction was similar, though my control was a bit more intact. I knew that this was triggering the most primal of Edward's instincts and not only was he having to quell his anger, but react to in it in a way that a human would expect another human to.

It was difficult beyond measure. So much of Edward's reaction to protecting his mate was primordial and animalistic. My reaction would be no different were something to happen to Esme. Usually, we could respond however we needed to, no curbing necessary. But in the presence of humans – this human especially – we were required to be as careful as possible.

"Edward," I admonished, my voice low. He glanced at me and the look in his eyes was pure rage.

Terrifying.

Charlie's face was a reflection of that. His body was reacting unconsciously to the presence of Edward and his animalistic fury. His defense mechanisms were on full alert and his body was primed to react as it was made to: fight or flight.

I had to intervene and I had to do it quickly.

"Edward, either you get a grip or you leave. I know for Bella's sake you'll want to partake in this particular conversation – so pull yourself together, son." My voice was stern and I was exerting every morsel of alpha of our coven as I could.

It was working.

Edward was beginning to calm. The look in his eyes was moving from terrifying to threatening. He was slowly regaining composure.

Charlie watched, silently. He observed our exchange in complete silence, his defense mechanisms still on red alert.

"Where did you get this?" I asked, softness permeating through the rage in my voice.

Charlie groaned, scratching at the stubble on his chin.

"It was in my mailbox at work this morning…."

"Oh…" I looked at Edward, telegraphing my thoughts to him as clearly as I could.

 _He evaded our defenses somehow. He's not working alone. There is no way he would have slipped past Sam's pack, Rosalie, and Emmett. Impossible._

I knew Edward had heard me but he avoided reacting.

"This… what does this mean to you?" Charlie asked, pressing against the red alerts in his body to press for answers.

"Chief Swan…" I started, unsure of what to say but knowing that we were trapped now.

"Did you think I wouldn't know?"

Yes, we did. Because he hadn't. This had been happening under his nose for over a month and he hadn't known.

I prayed to God that Edward wouldn't say that aloud, for I knew he was certainly thinking it.

"You _didn't_ know."

There it was. Charlie's eyes widened and his face began to redden – his rage amplifying.

"What does that mean?" He ground out.

"It means that Bella's been hurt for longer than a few days and you didn't know. You were right there – living with her the entire time and you did nothing. You knew nothing. Of course we thought you wouldn't notice – because you hadn't noticed for over a month."

Charlie almost doubled over, the wind knocked out of him at Edward's admission. Again, tears began to brim on his eyelids but he swatted at his eyes, trying to force their retreat.

"And you? What about you? What about what you did to her?"

"I know what I did. And I'll never forgive myself for it."

They both stopped, staring at each other in silence. Not a word was spoken between them in their silence but they were communicating clear as ever. They both held themselves responsible, they both figured they had failed Bella in some way.

"Blame won't do us any good right now," I explained, placing a hand on Edward's shoulder in a show of support.

"Nobody here is to blame except for the person that did this to Bella."

"And who's that?" Charlie fumed, grinding his teeth together insidiously.

I looked at Edward. We both knew what was to come. We couldn't lie this away, but we would have to figure out a way to keep Charlie from pursuing this on his own.

"Paul Lahote," Edward snarled as he folded the small, white sheet of paper and tucked it into his pocket.

"Paul? From the res?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?" Charlie pressed, his demeanor growing colder and colder with each passing second.

"It was confirmed for us by Jacob Black," I remarked, surveying both Edward and Charlie to make sure they weren't losing control of their anger.

"I'll kill him." Charlie's voice was hollow and empty.

And I knew that he meant it.

"That's not an option," I supplied, standing resolute in front of the two men that were crumbling in front of my very eyes.

I could see it – the depth of their pain. The consuming nature of it. The way they held themselves responsible was sure to wear away at them, it was sure to corrode them from the inside out.

"Where is he?" Charlie insisted, ignoring my previous statement.

"Gone," Edward replied.

"Gone?" Charlie was incredulous.

"He knew that we would be coming for him," Edward explained, his eyes fixated on a tree off in the distance. He was trying to maintain his composure.

"He couldn't have gone far. He left this in my mailbox this morning. He's around. And I'm going to find him. Maybe I can't kill him, but I can end his life in other ways. I'll put him away for life. He'll never see the light of day again."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible, Charlie."

Charlie's eyes cast downward and he groaned again, clearly knowing what I was alluding to.

"He raped her, right?" Charlie asked. Edward's jaw tensed so forcefully I thought it might shatter.

"Yes, he did," I answered.

"And she didn't get a rape kit, did she?" Edward shook his head. Charlie was looking at me now, livid, questions evident in his eyes.

"I had to respect her wishes, Charlie. I couldn't make those decisions for her. Even now, having this conversation with you – it's breaking the trust she's placed in me."

"What trust? You're not her damn father!" He shouted, his brows so deeply furrowed the apex of each were coming together to form a singular, solid line.

"Of course I'm not, but I am her doctor. And she's entrusted her physical well-being to me. I take that responsibility very seriously."

Charlie thought for a moment and then nodded.

"How many times?"

Edward and I both paused at the question. This was heading into territory we both wanted to avoid with Charlie.

"I believe the rest of her story is for her to share with you, if and when she's ready."

He scoffed and his hand came to rest across his forehead.

"I need to know… is she ok? Physically… is she ok?"

I knew what he was alluding to, and I felt it important to answer him as honestly as I could while safeguarding Bella's privacy.

"Physically, she'll be fine. She's healing well. She allowed a basic examination of all of her injuries and I'm confident she'll heal from all of them."

"God dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit," Charlie croaked, his voice a haunting octave of grief.

"I'm sorry, Charlie. I truly am. I would give anything to change this for her, to have protected her from this."

"He's still out there. I can't leave her knowing that he's out there and he could hurt her again. I have to protect her now." Charlie was worn. His face was pulled down in anguish and his voice was strained with the weight of his suffering.

"I'll protect her. I'd give my life for her a million times over. I will make sure, with my life, that nothing ever happens to Bella again. You have my word. I won't leave her sight for even as second as long as he's out there." Edward's voice was filled with powerful resolution.

I could see that Charlie believed him. By some miracle, Charlie trusted Edward with this. I wasn't sure if it was instinctive – if he could sense that Edward was dangerous and capable of protecting Bella, or if he was just certain that Bella wouldn't be harmed as long as she was never alone. There was no way for me to know if he understood how dangerous Paul could be – or how dangerous Edward could be for that matter.

But this was what we were left with. On either side, we had to part with only the trust in each other that we had developed today. Bella's safety was paramount to all of us, and we each had a role in ensuring it.

Charlie's role, though he might not know it, was to stay as far out of the path of danger as possible. He needed to be nowhere near anything supernatural for as long as we could possibly avoid it. Removing him from this equation – keeping him distracted enough and confused enough that he couldn't get a lead of Paul meant more for protecting Bella than any patrol he could ever do would.

Charlie was, in this instance, almost useless. He was a police officer, but he was not equipped to deal with wolves. In this case, his presence was more a hindrance that it was an attribute. We would have to actively brainstorm ways to keep him as far out of the loop as possible.

Had it not been for Paul's note, we would have never shared as much with him today as we had. But Paul had left that note intentionally – this is what he wanted. He wanted Charlie in the middle of all of this. He didn't want us to be able to afford him the protection of ignorance.

And of course, above all else, this was the most effective way to harm Bella without having to be anywhere near her. He could torment her from afar. Reveal her secrets and contribute to the upheaval of her life in the most torturous ways possible.

I had a feeling this wouldn't be the last of it.

Charlie cleared his throat and shoved his hands into the pockets of his trousers.

"I gotta go…" he turned to face me "take care of my girl," he warned. "I want a phone call every day with updates on how she's doing. And I'll visit in the next couple of days. I wanna give her some space… I don't wanna overwhelm her, y'know?"

"That's a wise idea, Chief."

"How long do you think… before she can come back home?"

"I'm not certain. In the very least I'd like to see her back to full health, with most of the weight she lost gained back. Once we reach that point I think we can sit down and re-evaluate the arrangements."

"Alright. And… there's more, isn't there?"

I cocked an eyebrow at him, unsure of what he meant.

"The turtleneck… the long sleeves… she's hiding it?"

"Yes, she is," Edward replied "but Carlisle is aware of the details of all of her injuries and is caring for her as best he possibly can. She's in excellent hands – the best hands, really," he reassured.

And with that, Charlie walked down the stairs and jumped back into his cruiser, taking off down the gravel road. And as if right on cue, the sound of a deep, sorrowful wail pierced through the silence as Charlie reached the highway. He had waited, it seemed, to fall to pieces. He waited until he was alone, out of earshot of Bella and the rest of us.

My heart ached for the man. Knowing what he knew, the helplessness he must have felt, especially in wanting to protect Bella but in knowing that she couldn't return home with him. That it wasn't what was best for her. That he wasn't what was best for her.

I was eager to speak with Edward, to glean from him what I could about Charlie's emotional state. I was also eager to admonish him and chastise him for placing blame on Charlie as he had.

But it would have to wait because before I could speak Edward had pushed his way past me and ran upstairs to be with Bella again.

* * *

 **BPOV**

"You're so quiet, love. Is everything ok?" Edward placed a tender hand against my knee, his eyes searching for mine as he spoke.

"I'm ok," I reassured him, swallowing down the lie, hoping he wouldn't press for more. He eyed me curiously.

"Bella…" he reproved, his eyes softening as they always did when he spoke to me.

"I'm fine, really."

"You're not," he replied, leaning forward on the bed to grab a cup of water from the night stand. He handed it to me, waiting for me to drink from it.

"I can feed myself, thank you very much," I snapped, taking a long sip of water before pushing the cup back into his hand. I knew I was being petulant, but I was growing so tired of the motions of being here. I knew as soon as he walked in the room after Charlie left that he was withholding so much from me.

He wore the heaviness of the conversation on his body as plainly as one could. He attempted to conceal his true feelings, but it was as though he had laid them bare for me.

I was sure he wasn't that easy to read to everyone else – but only to those that knew him well. And I knew Edward well.

"Sorry love, I didn't mean to irritate you," he offered, smiling at me as he placed the cup back on the night stand.

I scoffed and pulled the covers up and around my body as I slowly sank down into a reclined position, suppressing a groan at the familiar bursts of fiery pain that shot through me.

"You're hurting…"

"I'm fine!"

"You're not – I can see that you're uncomfortable. We can give you a bit more medication tonight, Bella. There's no need to suffer through this," Edward explained and I watched as he glanced toward the door, preparing to call Carlisle.

"No…"

He looked at me, his eyes soft as ever and sighed.

"This isn't necessary. We can make this more manageable for you – why do you insist on pushing through it?"

That was it. That was my threshold. I felt the thin lines of tolerance shred within me and all pretences were suddenly dropped.

"Why do _you_ insist on treating me like I'm a child?!" I shouted. I hadn't meant to shout, but it came out that way all the same. Edward was perfectly still as his eyes searched my own in confusion.

"Stop doing that," I shrieked, and the shock in his face amplified.

"Bella… I don't understand?"

"Stop searching for the hidden clues to all of this in my face. Stop looking at me like I'm a tiny, fragile human that could break any second!"

"Bella…"

"Don't admonish me, Edward. I'm not a child. I'm not YOUR child. And yet here I am, being treated like I'm a foolish kid."

"I'm sorry if that's the way I've made you feel, love. What can I do to fix it?"

He was so reasonable. His voice was gentle, patient and calm. He looked unphased by my outburst, still in perfect control of himself and his emotions.

It was rage-inducing.

How long would he try to hide this from me? I knew the moment I saw Charlie turn to Alice that there was more – something he wasn't telling us. I knew that his careful handling of me was because he believed the extent of my injuries was much worse than the Cullen's had told him. I knew he didn't buy the story we'd tried to sell him.

But how?

Charlie was perceptive, but not that perceptive. After all, I'd been able to hide this from him for weeks… what changed?

"You want to fix it?"

Edward nodded, his brow creased in confusion.

"You can tell me the truth."

"The truth?"

"Yes. Tell me what Charlie knows."

And there it was: the crack that I'd been waiting for. The crack in Edward's picture perfect resolve was shining through. I watched as his face fell in shock, horror spreading across the perfect planes of his face.

It was subtle, but to me, it was everything.

I knew that he was keeping something from me, but now that I was seconds away from uncovering what that was I was petrified of what I might find hidden in his lies.

He looked at me with an expression I could only describe as apologetic. His eyes were soft, but blazing with a pain that made my breath catch in my chest, holding there as I tried to push past the intensity of this moment.

"Edward…" My voice was barely above a whisper because I couldn't muster anything else.

I was afraid.

"I'm sorry…" he said, his words hollow and filled with darkness.

"Sorry?"

"For failing you," he explained, his head dropping down, chin meeting his chest as his shoulder rose with what I assumed was his attempt at composing himself.

"Failing me?" I didn't understand. This didn't make sense.

"Yes. I failed you. I left when I should have stayed. I didn't place enough trust in you to allow you to decide whether or not you wanted me in your life – the risk of me and all that it brought. And so I left, presumptuously."

His voice was harrowing – his pain tormenting me as I searched his face, trying to connect with him in the only way I could right now.

"How is any of this your fault?" I was incredulous, the suggestion that Edward was responsible for this made my stomach queasy. Edward was as far removed – as far outside of this – as a person could be. Mixing him with what happened… it made me feel ill.

"I left you, Bella. Alone. I left you here, without my protection. When we started our relationship it was then that I brought you into the folds of my life and all that it entails, and in the midst of chaos I left you alone, foolishly believing that would mean you were safe. And then…"

"Stop it," I commanded in a low whisper. But it was as though he hadn't heard me at all. He pressed on, his voice growing more resonating with each passing second.

"And then he… hurt you. And if I'd been here I could have protected you. I _would_ have protected you. I'm so sorry, Bella. I know I'll never forgive myself, and I expect you feel the same way."

And in seconds Edward went from sitting next to me on the bed to standing, his back facing me as he slowly paced the length of the room.

"Edward," I called out to him, trying to interrupt his frantic pacing, trying to regain his focus.

"EDWARD," I shouted and immediately regretted the decision to do so. A deep ache settled in my throat, flames of pain licking at it with fervor.

But it had worked. Edward's entire body swirled and then he was facing me, the heaviness of his pain etched into every contour of his body.

"You think this is your fault?" I stood from the bed, gripping on to the bed post to maintain the unreliable balance of my worn body.

"Did you do this to me?" I murmured, gesturing to bruised, thin body. Edward's brow furrowed as he listened to me speak.

"Bella…"

"Stop. Listen," I chastised "you left me, Edward. You shattered my heart into thousands of pieces and left me with nothing of you to even hold me through some of the hardest days of my life. I grieved you so intensely I thought I might crack in half from the force of the pain…"

I wanted to stop myself, because the look of sorrow on Edward's face was heartbreaking all over again. But I couldn't. The suggestion that he was responsible for what happened to me was too much. I couldn't bear it.

"But what he did…" I choked over the words as I felt a sob barrel through me, catching me off guard as I tried to force it back down inside of me.

But the tears fell anyway.

"He destroyed me. He wounded parts of me that might never be made whole again. But that isn't your fault," I explained, my voice taut with the strain of my tears.

"Bella…" Edward whispered, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"You didn't do this," I explained, gesturing once again to my battered body "and you have to stop suggesting that you had some part in it. Because that's painful for me. I can't hold you and him in the same place in my mind because it'll destroy me all over again. What you did – I can forgive that. I can learn to trust you again… I can rebuild those pieces of myself. But I can't ever rebuild the pieces of me he destroyed."

I was gasping through the freely falling tears, swiping at them but they were falling too fast for me to have any effect. I wanted to collapse right where I was standing. I wanted to fall to my knees and curl up into a ball and stay that way for a very long time. Because this pain was so hard and overwhelming that I didn't want to face it anymore.

And then Edward, ever the fulfiller of my needs, pulled me into his arms, walked across the room and sat on the couch, pulling me into his lap, wrapping me in the safety of his arms.

"I'll keep you safe now, love."

I nodded against his chest.

"No more lies?"

"Bella…"

"No," I demanded "no more lies. I can't learn to trust you again if you aren't honest with me," I peeked up from his chest and looked into his eyes, reveling in their beauty.

Edward looked tormented. I knew that whatever he was about to tell me would be painful. But I'd pressed for this and there was no going back.

I needed to know.

I needed to be the determiner of my own future.

He shifted me gently forward on his lap and reached into the pocket of his pants, pulling out a folded, white piece of paper. He clenched it in his fist and dragged a hand across his forehead in frustration.

I placed my hand on top of his fist and pulled at his fingers, and he unfolded the fist, the white sheet of paper sitting neatly in the palm of his hand.

I looked up at him, my eyes surely filled with terror.

His hand reached up and brushed through my hair, and then he pulled my forehead against his.

I pulled the paper from his palm and slowly unfolded it.

"I'm sorry," he whispered one final time.

And then I braced myself.

* * *

 **A/N:** Very curious to hear your reactions to Charlie and his reaction. There is so much more to come, and as I said the intensity will keep picking up with every chapter. Of course, I'm a slow burner so 'picking up' for me is not the same as it might be for other writers. But it'll be more intense than this story has been thus far.

Tell me what you think! This was hard to get through because I was incredibly distracted by studying and my brain was a bit fogged up as I tried to wade through the details.

I'd love to post again this week - reviews make me edit the chapters faster!

xx

-missmarlee


	16. Human

Chapter 16 – Human

 **EPOV**

"What is this?" Bella's voice was filled with trepidation and she hadn't even read the words that were scrawled onto the paper yet.

I had wanted to avoid this more than anything. But she'd already caught on to too much and now she was well aware that I was hiding something. I couldn't deny her when she pleaded with me, when she reasoned with me and explained how important my honesty was to her.

I wanted to shield her from the note and all of the pain it would incite, but I was beginning to learn that I wasn't the controller of Bella's life. She was entitled to make her own decisions and I had to become familiar with what it meant to respect those decisions.

Even in moments like this one where I truly felt that this wasn't the best thing for her. Where I felt that her reading the note would do far more harm than good.

It didn't matter.

"What is this?" she questioned again, still not reading the words on the paper. Tears were beginning to well in her eyes again and the look of fear on her face brought forth my own deep anguish.

"It's a note, Bella. From… Paul," I said the words as gently as I could but I knew that some of my vehemence edged its way in. It was almost impossible to contain the weight of my rage.

"What?" Bella's eyes were filled with horror. It was far worse than I'd imagined it would be. She looked petrified and her hands immediately began to shake in what was building in to a panic attack.

"Breath, Bella. You have to breath. Stay with me. I'm here, ok? I'm not leaving," I assured her, catching her face in my hands trying to hold her eye contact. She pulled away, slipping off of my lap and on to her feet.

She walked toward the other side of the room, her eyes fixated on the note as she read the words messily scratched in ink across the paper.

"Oh."

It was all she said for a long while. She stood, staring at the note, her eyes fixated there and unmoving.

"Where did… how did…" she could barely string together a sentence in the wake of the overwhelming realization.

"It was in… Charlie found it in his mailbox, Bella." There was no gentle way to say it, and there was no easy way to tell her this.

"Charlie…" she whispered, to herself – not to me. She was drifting away, her consciousness leaving this room as she fought to escape this dawning realization. I wanted, with everything inside of me, to run to her side and pull her into my embrace, but I knew that she wouldn't respond well in this moment.

Were it not for the sound of her heart thundering in her chest, or for the way her hair stood perfectly erect on her arms, or for the tears she was desperately trying to push back down, I might not have known that she was panicking at all.

She was working hard to remain composed. To hide from me whatever turmoil this made her feel. It was apparent that she was withdrawing, especially because her eyes hadn't moved up from the paper she was holding in her hands and I knew that she was avoiding eye contact with me.

It was working. Paul was getting inside her head.

She inhaled sharply, braced herself against the wall and then exhaled, shaking as she did. And then she lifted her chin, pushed her chest outwards as much as she could without aggravating the fractures and pushed a few stray strands of hair from her face.

Then she spoke. And the sound of her voice was haunting.

Devoid. Empty. Emotionally, Bella was removing herself from this moment as actively as possible.

I expected a reaction – but this was not what I was anticipating.

"So… he knows?"

She folded the piece of paper back into a square balled her fist up around it.

"Yes."

"How much?" She questioned, fear blazing in her eyes.

"Only that he hurt you – he doesn't know _anything_ else."

Bella bit down on her bottom lip and closed her eyes. She was working so hard to subdue the storm of emotions brewing inside of her. Her fist tightened around the folded note and her jaw clenched as she focused her breathing.

"So he was there? He was near Charlie?"

"No."

She looked up from the ground and met my eyes for a single second before turning away from me.

"How do you know that?"

I prayed for strength.

"We smell the barest trace of him on that note, and Rosalie and Emmett were keeping guard. They would know if he'd come anywhere near Forks."

Bella's eyes closed again and her lips turned down in an anguished frown. Fresh tears were welling, spilling out of her closed eyes as they pooled on her long, brown lashes.

"How do you know what he… _smells_ like?" Her voice was so soft, the smallest trace of it wrapped around me and in it I felt every nuance of her in this moment. The ever present shame and guilt were overwhelming, crushing in the weight of their dominion over her.

I could see that she wanted to fall to pieces. She was exhausted. She was in pain; her entire body was tensed but she worked the hardest she ever had to hold herself together.

And I didn't want to answer her question, because I wasn't sure what else it would awaken in her.

"Edward," she warned, commanding me to explain.

"Bella, please." I was begging because I didn't know what else to do.

"How do you know what he smells like?"

I paused, praying that she would decide she didn't need to know. Praying that I wouldn't have to share this with her because I knew what it would do to her.

"Edward!"

"Because his scent was all over you when Jasper and Emmett found you and brought you to Carlisle."

"Oh."

It was as if I'd extinguished all remaining light from her with a few simple words. Her entire body folded inwards and her head bowed down in shame.

"And now?"

"Now?" I questioned, knowing full well what she was alluding to, but wanting to deny it all the same.

"Do I smell like him now?" Her voice was stone cold.

"No."

"You're lying," she turned her body to face me, and I walked toward her. She raised her hand, signalling for me to stop.

"I'm not lying, Bella."

"You promised me, Edward. You said no more lies," she accused, her voice devoid of emotion.

I had promised. I intended to keep my promise, but this conversation was pointless. It would only serve to upset Bella, and the details were unimportant. There was so much to being a vampire that Bella didn't – and couldn't – understand. She wasn't able to grasp how heightened and profound out senses were. Every small detail was detectable to us.

"This is pointless, Bella. What does it matter? Do you think it means I don't want to be near you? Do you think that would change how I feel toward you?"

"Answer me!"

"No. You smell like you. Like freesias and lavender. Like perfection." I moved toward her, and she threw her hand up again, stopping me dead in my tracks.

"Is Charlie safe? Can he be kept safe?"

"Yes, Paul hasn't been in the vicinity. If he had been, we would've known."

"So this note…" she breathed, glancing down at her clenched fist "was put there by someone else?"

I could see the horror of that realization reflected in her eyes.

"Yes, we believe so."

"Another wolf?"

"Unlikely. We would have caught that scent."

"A vampire?"

"No. We would've known."

"A human."

I exhaled and stared at her, waiting for her to look at me. Her eyes remained trained on the floor and her body was braced against the wall behind her.

"Yes. The note smells distinctly of human," I agreed.

"So he isn't working alone."

"Not necessarily. He might have hired someone to plant it there. This person's involvement could be insignificant. We don't know what this means yet," I offered, taking slow, small steps toward her.

I surveyed her carefully, noting how emotionless she appeared standing before me.

"Ok. I'd like to be alone now," she explained, pushing off the wall as she moved toward the bed in the opposite corner.

I looked at her, puzzled. Earlier today Bella hadn't wanted me to leave her side – the mere suggestion sent her into a tailspin of chaotic emotion.

And now she was ordering me to leave.

I stood in silence and watched as she slowly moved toward the bed. When she reached the bedside she began pulling the ivory-coloured tights off, casting them to the side of the bed.

I was frozen in place watching her. Each movement was ghost-like and absent – completely robotic.

She then gripped the hem of the dress, pulling it up and off her frail body leaving her in only a bra and white, cotton underwear.

I watched in horror, the sharp bones of her body pulling and pressing at her bruised flesh. Her back was a shocking array of colours – the bruises had deepened and darkened since Carlisle's original exam.

She groaned as she struggled to pull herself up onto the bed, and I stood in horror. Then I noticed, as she attempted to pull the covers up and over her body – I noticed the dark – nearly black, hand-print shaped bruises that were sitting at the apex of her thighs.

All of the rage that I'd been containing burst through the cracks that were forming inside of me. I was an uncontainable, irrational force with my sights set on one thing and one thing only:

Paul Lahote.

* * *

 **BPOV**

I was numb. I couldn't feel a thing. That physical pain of my body was still there, still pulsing beneath the surface, but everything else seemed to have washed away. I was a blank canvas, devoid of all feeling.

Thoughts were traveling in and out of me, but I had no reaction to them whatsoever.

It was strange. But I couldn't muster enough emotion to care.

And although it was disturbing to some distant, far away part of myself, it was also a relief.

The only thing I could focus on now was sleep. I was tired – so, so tired. My entire body felt drained. Each cell inside of me was begging for rest.

"Ok. I'd like to be alone now," I said. I listened to my words as they fell past my lips, noting how listless I sounded.

I barely caught a glance of Edward's face, but I didn't care.

I just really didn't care.

The most I could focus on was getting myself out of the unreasonably uncomfortable clothing Alice had dressed me in. I made my way, slowly, over to the bed. And then I pulled the tights off me of, followed by the dress and struggled to climb up onto the bed.

The distant, far away part of myself that could care idly noticed Edward standing by the doorway. He looked horrified.

But it didn't matter.

I just wanted to sleep.

More than anything I wanted to close my eyes and sleep.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"You'll regret it if you leave, 'y'know."

I was standing at the edge of the forest line, readying myself for what lay ahead, completely absorbed in my thoughts of revenge.

The sight of Bella, the sight of her broken and worn and checked out had erupted the quietly brewing volcano that was laying dormant inside of me. It was just too much.

The thought of _his_ hands on her body… it snapped something inside of me. It pushed me too far over the edge and the white hot rage that had been waiting to break free was given the outlet it had been searching for.

All rational thought was gone. I was a predator now, focused on finding and executing my prey.

It was a dangerous moment to interrupt, but Alice had never been one to fear danger.

"Go away, Alice," I growled at her, my first and last warning.

"Or what? You'll attack me?" she scoffed, pushing with her hand off the ground and landing right next to me.

I snapped in her direction, roaring.

"Behave, Edward. You don't frighten me," she quipped, crouching down next to me.

"Go." I was exercising an impressive level of self-control, to be standing here next to Alice without trying to rip her apart.

"Is Bella leaving us, then?"

I growled and turned to face her.

"What?"

"Well, if you're leaving I guess Bella is too, then? You made a promise. You made several promises, actually. To Bella, most importantly. Remember? You told her you wouldn't leave. You promised her you'd protect her."

"And I am," I snapped back.

"By killing Paul?"

"Yes."

"There is an entire pack of wolves and nearly an entire coven of vampires trying to find him. He's evaded us, Edward. I'm sure he'll return at some point, but for now we know enough to know that he's not anywhere near here. What do you think you can do that we haven't already tried?"

"I'll find him," I countered.

"You won't. Bella is… somewhere else – emotionally. For now, but what happens when she wakes up and realizes that you're gone? That the promise you made to her was broken… again?"

"I can't do this anymore, Alice. I can't watch her fall apart, I can't sit by her side and silently accept all that's happened…"

"What's the alternative?"

"The alternative is that I scour every inch of this earth until I find him. And then I make him pay for everything he did to Bella. Every second of it…"

"And what about Bella, and what she needs?"

"She needs to be safe," I refuted, angling my body away from Alice, looking for an opportunity to break away from the conversation without giving her the opportunity to catch up to me.

"You don't get it, do you?" Alice was livid. Her usually chiming voice was burdened with her rage – an uncommon sight for her, and therefore appropriately alarming.

"Get what?" I shot back, my rage building and becoming more and more uncontainable as the seconds ticked past.

"You left, Edward! You left her for months. You nearly destroyed her. Before he did. YOU did THAT. And you say you want to make it right? She's falling to pieces and breaking apart and she shows more courage than you do! Despite what you did to her, she's still here. She's still fighting for you and for your relationship." Alice was shouting. Her words were cutting and there was a disturbing edge to her voice that clued me into her emotional state.

Alice loved Bella, deeply. And she blamed herself for everything that had happened.

I could relate to that.

"I'm useless to her," I explained, turning to face Alice as I pulled my body from its offensive crouch.

"She needs me to help her through this – but I don't know how. I don't know the first thing about supporting her. I watch her wade through her own complicated emotions and I don't know what to say, or what to do or how to help. And so I don't say or do anything. I just sit and watch. And I probably make it worse because of that." Alice moved to sit on the large boulder that was wedged between two grand evergreen trees. I sat next to her, and she pulled my hand into her own, gripping tightly.

"I know. I understand. I haven't even really spoken to her since all of this began. I've been watching, and waiting, hoping that I can help in some small way because I can't see her and it's maddening."

"I know. But it isn't your fault, Alice."

She turned to face me, still holding my hand her in own. Her eyes locked on to mine and smiled, though it didn't reach her eyes and it was imbued with sadness.

"I just want her to survive this," she explained, tugging at the tips of her spiky, jet black hair.

"She will," I said with as much conviction as ever. There was no way Bella wouldn't survive this. That wasn't even a possibility. I was completely devoted to her survival – in every way.

Alice nodded, agreeing, though I could sense that she wasn't absolutely certain.

Alice, without her ability to see, wasn't Alice at all. Her eternal optimism was smothered.

"So he's not working alone…"

Alice and Jasper had overheard the conversation Carlisle and I had with Charlie, but we hadn't even had a spare moment to discuss the implications of everything that was revealed today.

"Apparently not."

"The Volturi…?" Alice's voice quivered when she spoke the words.

"Doubtful. I'm certain he used that as a tool to make Bella feel fearful enough that she wouldn't seek out help. At first, I thought he had acted entirely in isolation, but given that there was no sign of him anywhere near Forks it means someone else delivered that letter. Whoever it is, human, is the only scent I caught off of it."

"Human… how would he have help from humans?"

"I don't know. It's possible he hired someone. The letter… it's his way of maintaining control over Bella without having to be anywhere near her – and it's working. She's completely shut off from me. The moment she read it she shut down. And I'd wager that's exactly what he wants. He managed to convince her for weeks that he was dangerous and a threat to all of us. He wants to reignite that fear in Bella."

Alice cringed, bowing her head as she pulled her hand out of mine.

"Alice?"

"I just… I can't imagine what she went through."

I nodded, remaining silent. I could see Alice's pain; it was so palpable that I felt overwhelmed by it just being in her proximity.

"I just want to hold her… I want to ease some of it. But I… I feel so…"

"Guilty?" I finished for her, relating wholly to everything she was saying.

"Yes."

"You should speak to her, Alice. She knows that your relationship has been touched by this. She can sense it," I said, remembering how uncomfortable Bella seemed in her strained interactions with Alice.

Alice nodded and jumped up from the boulder and turned to face me.

"Let's go," she commanded, extending her hand to me. I sat for a moment longer, staring into Alice's golden, shimmering eyes, finding solace in them.

There was so much that needed to be done. So much to say and do and so many things that were uncertain and dangerous. But in this moment, Alice and I had reconnected in a way that we hadn't for months.

Alice was a bittersweet reminder of home and all that I'd left behind for so long.

I placed my hand in hers and followed her, sure that she would guide me in the right direction – as she always did.

* * *

 **EPOV**

Seven faces were gathered around the large pine table in my family's sitting room, staring at me expectantly. Every person in this room was uncomfortable beyond measure, that much was made clear to me through each of their individual thoughts and the rigidity of their body language telegraphed more of the same message.

This meeting was not about pleasure. We were not casual acquaintances sharing company for the joy of it.

This was business.

"Thank you for coming," Carlisle said as he joined me in standing at the head of the table.

"Let's cut to the chase and get on with this, alright?" Jacob Black sat in the chair closest to the doorway, and his thoughts centered entirely around how much he despised being here – in this room, in this house… for this reason.

"We intend to do just that. We've called this meeting because we believe it's highly likely that Paul isn't working alone," I explained attuning myself to the thoughts of everyone around me.

"You've got to be kidding me, right? You know we're not in on this with him."

"Yes, Jacob. We know that. We're confident that he isn't colluding with anyone from the Quileute tribe. We're grateful for all you've done to assist us in protecting Bella."

"How the hell do you know he's working with someone?"

"Charlie received a letter in his work mailbox early this morning. It was from Paul."

Jacob stiffened in his seat, his fists curling at his sides as he attempted to control his rage.

"Impossible," he replied.

 _We've been all over every inch of this damn place and we haven't caught his scent once._ He thought to himself, internally warring with the rage this was sparking inside of him.

"Of course. We believe he didn't actually place the letter there himself. His scent was on it, but in almost undetectable amounts. Rosalie and Emmett were sweeping the perimeter that day and didn't catch his scent either. It's possible that he had someone else place it there," Carlisle offered, his voice even and tempered, contrasting Jacob's greatly.

"Damn it," Jacob huffed under his breath.

"What did the letter say?" Emmett questioned, sitting next to Rosalie and directly opposite Jacob. He looked more wired than usual and I was sure it had to do with Jacob's presence in our home.

We were all uneasy with the presence of wolves. Even Esme and Carlisle who had promoted tolerance and camaraderie between wolves and vampires were uncomfortable with the current arrangement. After everything that had happened to Bella, it was difficult to remove the tyrannous associations we'd conjured in our minds when it came to wolves.

"It was a thinly-veiled threat. He addressed it to Charlie and revealed to him many of the things we'd been hoping to shield him from," Carlisle said, clearing his throat as an obvious indication that he would indulge in this topic no further.

"Thinly-veiled," Jacob said, disgust painted across his face, "what's thinly-veiled about sending a note to the dad of the girl you just raped?"

And that was the breaking point for most of us in the room.

Emmett roared and flew across the table with Rosalie close behind him, both lunging for Jacob's throat with their teeth bared.

Chaos erupted immediately. I moved to Jacob's side in a fraction of a second, Carlisle and Esme following close behind me. I grabbed Emmett by the throat, holding him in place as Carlisle wrapped his arms around his midsection, pinning him to the table. Rosalie was struggling to break free from Esme's grasp and almost did until Alice joined her and together they pulled Rosalie across the room, safely away from Jacob.

It could have stopped there – but it didn't. Sam had planned for this potential outcome and standing just at the border of our property were Embry and Jared. The moment they heard the chaos erupt they had phased and were headed straight in our direction.

Jasper flew from the room and met them outside, trying his hardest to de-escalate the situation before it dissolved further into violence and chaos.

"Emmett, enough!" I shouted, slamming his head against the pine table, effectively cracking it in half. He struggled for a few more seconds before he stilled. Carlisle and I held him there all the same, making sure that he had calmed down enough to be freed.

I quickly peered outside, looking for Jasper and the two remaining wolves. The floor to ceiling glass windows revealed Jasper locked into a fight with both wolves, one charging him from behind while the other was pinned beneath his powerful body.

I threw Emmett against the wall behind me, ran outside, colliding with the wolf that was charging in Jasper's direction.

He jumped back to his feet, shaking his head as though to brush off the collision and then he charged, full force, straight in my direction. I was prepared for this attack as I read his thoughts, anticipating each of his movements and dodging all of them before his razor sharp teeth could connect with the hardened stone of my skin.

I heard the sound of Jacob roaring, phasing into wolf form as he leaped from the porch and past me into the thick of the fight.

"STOP IT!"

Bella's voice broke through the calamity that was unfolding in front of our home. Her tired, strained voice was piercing as ever and the sight of her standing in the doorway, holding onto door handle for support was paralyzing.

Everyone froze, moved to stillness as all eyes remained focused on her.

"Please," she breathed out. Gasping as the cool night air swept past her.

"Bella, are you alright?" Carlisle moved to her side immediately but she tensed as he approached her.

"I'm ok," she assured him "but I don't understand – what's happening?"

"We had a meeting with Jacob, to discuss the next steps in finding… him. And things got a bit out of hand," Jasper explained, standing to his feet as the wolf next to him did the same.

 _Dammit. He really beat the crap out of her. How the fuck did this happen?_

"Jacob?" Bella's weary voice called out. Jacob moved out from behind Jasper and walked towards Bella. His eyes, though he was still in his wolf form, were filled sadness.

Bella rested her hand against the fur of his head and her lips turned up into a small, but genuine, smile.

"I'm ok, Jake," she promised, her body shivering slightly from the cold, evening breeze.

The two wolves standing near the perimeter of our land whined loudly. Jacob's head turned in their direction and he seemed to nod before turning back to Bella and pressing his nose against her hand.

She smiled and rubbed quickly behind his ears.

"Go," she said gently "but please come back? Come visit me soon?"

He nodded and pressed his nose into the palm of her hand once more.

"Be safe, Jake," she whispered. And then he came to stand in front of me, his large eyes filled with questions.

 _Do you know the scent of the human that left the note? So we can be sure to keep track of whoever that was if they cross through again?_

I nodded.

"Carlisle. The note."

Carlisle pulled the balled up note from the pocket of his shirt and handed it to me. I opened it up and held it in front of Jacob's nose.

 _Got it._

He turned and started walking away but stopped abruptly, twisting his head so he could make eye contact with me.

 _Is she ok?_

I nodded.

 _She smells like wolf._ He thought absently, though I could see the confusion on his face.

He was right – and we all knew it.

The dread I felt in knowing what that may mean overwhelmed me. I looked back at Bella and noted the renewed sadness in her eyes.

Something wasn't right.

* * *

 **A/N: Your reviews from the last chapter gave me life despite a very busy week and a stomach bug! Thanks to those that are reading and to those that are sharing their thoughts about this story and its progression with me. It's invaluable, as a writer, to hear from people that are reading this and to know what they think.**

 **xx,**

 **-mm**


	17. If you leave

Chapter 17 – If you leave

 **EPOV**

Bella stood – statue still – in the doorway, her body swaying gently as though it was being rocked to a fro by the gentle wind that was gliding through the trees. Her pale, effervescent skin was alight with the tender light of the moon as it bared down on her. She was paler than usual, the colour seemingly drained from her delicate body.

She was thinking, I realized. She was trying to gather courage for something. It was easy to tell because whenever she was giving herself an internal pep talk her chin would raise and she would open her shoulders, pushing her chest out slightly in an effort to summon the strength she would need.

It was a telltale sign of Bella's, and everyone in my family knew it well by now. Jasper and Emmett were standing at the treeline, ensuring that the wolves had, indeed, cleared themselves from our property. The cataclysm of a few moments earlier was dissipating as we all waited and watched Bella, anticipating what she was surely about to share with us.

She inhaled, filling her lungs with the crisp evening air and then exhaled slowly, opening her eyes and resting them on Carlisle in what appeared to be an intentional move to gain his attention.

"Carlisle," she whispered, pulling her the fullness of her bottom lip into her mouth, biting down on it in a nervous way.

"Yes, Bella?" He replied, standing a few metres away from her but providing her with his undivided attention. He waited to approach her, being of the belief that allowing Bella to decide the proximity she wanted to maintain would help foster trust between them.

She inhaled again, holding it in for a moment before breathing our forcefully.

"I'd like to speak with you… in private," she explained as she smoothed down the wrinkled fabric of the oversized sweatshirt she was wearing.

It belonged to me, I realized. She must have fetched it from the closet in my bedroom. My heart warmed at the thought. It was a forest green and she had paired it with a pair of slacks that Alice had bought for her a few days earlier. Bella had the hood of the sweatshirt pulled up around her face, and her entire body was swallowed up by the enormity of the fabric.

"Of course. Where would you like to go? There isn't much privacy here but we can easily kick everyone out of the house and chat in my office?"

Bella shook her head, remaining wordless. And then she did something that made my stomach feel sick with fear.

She absently placed a single hand across the length of her abdomen, rubbing a small circle there before pulling her hand away and shoving it in the pockets of the slacks.

I looked around at my family members to see if any of them noticed and when I did I found that each of them, save for Carlisle, had their eyes trained on me.

 _Oh no… no. No. No._ Alice's thoughts were frantic and broken but I could hear that she was beginning to speculate in the same direction that I was. She'd noticed the gesture, too.

Esme's eyes were filled with aching sadness and her thoughts were drearily optimistic.

Jasper and Emmett looked as though they might explode from the intensity of their horror. Their thoughts were similar in nature as they both strategized renewed ways to find Paul.

And Rosalie was carefully guarding her thoughts, though her eyes were still trained on me.

"I'd rather leave. I'd rather go somewhere more private, please," Bella explained, moving away from the doorway as she pressed herself against the banister of the deck that wrapped around our home.

"Certainly. Did you have somewhere in mind? We could go for a drive and chat?"

She shook her head.

"I was thinking we could go to the hospital? To your office?"

Carlisle looked stunned.

 _Oh god no,_ He internally groaned.

 _I haven't even had a chance to clean up the mess of Bella's blood in my office. And the hospital is far too conspicuous._

"I believe the hospital might be too conspicuous, Bella. I think it's in everyone's best interest if we keep what is happening as closely guarded as possible?"

"I agree. But I don't think anyone will notice. I'll wear the hoodie and we can go in from the back, right? It's late, anyway. They hospital should be pretty empty…"

She was oddly insistent and unrelenting. Carlisle understood her words as I did: she wasn't requesting this arrangement; she was demanding it.

"Well, if that's what you'd prefer then that's fine with me," Carlisle smiled at Bella and reached into the pocket of his trousers, pulling a set of keys from them.

"Give me a moment and I'll pull my car out. Are you all set?"

"Yes. I'm dressed and ready," Bella replied, slowly moving away from the banister and walking herself down the set of three steps that lead to our deck.

"Bella?" I called out to her, confused and hoping that she'd allow me to accompany her to the hospital. I ached at the thought of being separated from her.

"Edward…" she said gently, her eyes meeting mine for a moment before she looked past me.

"What happened?" She asked, referring to the moments prior where a fight had broken out in the middle of our home.

"Tensions erupted with the wolves – that's all. It wasn't seriously out of hand and nobody was hurt."

She cocked an eyebrow at me, unsatisfied with my truncated version of the events that had transpired.

"Sorry," I offered, recognizing that my attempt at shutting her out with as few details as possible was a second-nature response. My instinct was to always preserve Bella, at all costs. Even if the cost was her trust and her relationship to her autonomy.

"While you were asleep we called a meeting with the wolves. Jacob came in place of Sam who wasn't comfortable leaving his patrol to meet with us. We were attempting to relay the most recent developments in our search for... him."

She nodded and I continued "we explained that he had made an effort to contact Charlie, though we didn't share any details of the letter with them. One thing led to another and there was a physical altercation. Like I said, all is well and nobody was injured."

Bella looked troubled.

"It's to be expected, love. These things happen. We're natural enemies and we're in a strange position where we're working together. There's bound to be some tension that overflows in this way." She looked as though she wanted to say something but then I noticed her grimace in pain and grip at her abdomen, bending slightly as though to catch her balance. I made to move to her side but she stopped me.

"I'm fine," she explained, holding a hand up as though to direct me to stop "it's just my ribs. They're sore today."

Before we could carry on Carlisle's car pulled up next to Bella. He leapt from the car and moved to Bella's side, opening the door for her.

"Bella?" I called out to her, hoping she would insist on me joining them. Hoping that her desperation to speak to Carlisle privately didn't preclude me from the conversation, too.

"I'll see you later," she offered, stepping into the passenger's seat with Carlisle helping her settle inside.

I moved to his side and grabbed is arm, pulling him close enough to me that my mouth was almost flush to his ear.

"Check her hCG levels," I instructed before pulling away from him, the interaction having happened discreetly enough that Bella hadn't noticed. Carlisle locked eyes with mine and nodded, acknowledging his agreement.

And then they were gone, and it felt as though a large part of me had gone with them. I knew that something was wrong – and I also knew that it had taken Bella every ounce of courage she possessed to request to speak with Carlisle privately. Pushing her to divulge to me what was happening in that moment would have resulted in her withdrawing again. More significant than her opening up to me was making sure she was opening up to someone. If that someone had to be Carlisle, I would have to find a way to live with that.

* * *

 **BPOV**

We'd spent most of the car ride sitting in silence, neither of us communicating because I was certain I'd telegraphed my unwillingness to speak in every way possible. Carlisle drove quite slowly, for a Cullen, and turned on the stereo to play soft classical music in the background.

"Are you alright, Bella?" He questioned, his eyes never meeting my own as he continued to stare out at the road ahead of him. It was a courtesy, I was sure, because Carlisle didn't need to watch the road to ensure a safe trip for us. He probably knew that I didn't want to talk and respected that I would initiate conversation when I was ready.

I thought for a moment, about his question. Unsure if I should start talking here, or wait until we were in the hospital. I felt comforted by the car, for some reason. Maybe because it wasn't as awkward or fraught with tension as sitting face to face would be. Or maybe it was because I could avoid the conversation altogether, and I could avoid confronting the look of concern etched into the perfect planes of Carlisle's face.

"Bella?"

"I don't know…" I replied, unsure of what else to say. It felt unnecessary to falsely say yes when I knew very well that I would be opening up to Carlisle shortly anyway.

"Is there a reason you wanted to meet at the hospital, instead of at home?"

"Yes," I offered, deciding that I wouldn't share any more than the barest details possible in this moment. I would wait.

I would need the extra few minutes to collect my thoughts and think about how I would present them to Carlisle.

"We'll enter through the back," Carlisle clarified as he pulled up to the hospital, heading toward the back, less trafficked area. He parked and then helped me out of my seat, bearing most of my weight as he led me through the doorway and down the short hallway to the door of his office. I'd made sure to pull my hoodie up and over my face, hoping that we weren't bothered on our way to his office but prepared to conceal myself should someone happen upon us.

Carlisle pulled out his keys but stopped before the key was fully inserted into the keyhole.

"Bella, I should warn you before we enter…" he started, a grave and serious look on his face.

"What is it?"

"When Jasper and Emmett found you, they brought you straight here. You were bleeding quite profusely and I attended to your most urgent injuries right here, in my office. Of course, I've barely passed through the hospital since then and I haven't had a chance to clean this room up. I'm afraid that what we find in here may be troubling to you…" His words had a distinct nervous edge to them and I could see that Carlisle was worried about my stability. He feared that the slightest trigger would throw me off and cause me to withdraw again.

And as sure as I wanted to be about my ability to persevere and stay present, I couldn't be as sure as I would have liked. I often reacted to situations lately in ways that I wouldn't have predicted. My subconscious often took over, whether I needed it to or not.

"Can we move somewhere else? Perhaps back to the car," Carlisle suggested, looking hopeful.

I shook my head. The car wouldn't do. There as no evading this now. I was more terrified of avoiding what was happening inside of my body for a second longer than facing it head on. I could manage whatever was beyond this door, but I couldn't manage prolonging help any longer.

"No, in your office is fine." Carlisle looked unconvinced. "I'll be fine," I pressed, motioning toward the door.

When it opened, it was more alarming than I'd anticipated. Large swatches of blood stained dressings and gauze were strewn across the floor. The couch that sat in the corner near the door was stained dark red with an enormous pool of dried blood tarnishing its otherwise pristine appearance.

Carlisle stood, very still, and observed me as I took in the sight before me. He remained motionless, and didn't utter a single syllable. I processed the scene for a few more seconds before pushing past whatever feelings it was resurrecting. I walked inside and moved toward the two arm chairs that are sitting opposite the desk in the corner.

I sat, gingerly, in the seat, taking care to not aggravate my especially sore ribcage.

Carlisle looked stunned but joined me, sitting in the chair next to me rather than occupying the luxurious looking leather office chair that was tucked beneath his elegant mahogany desk.

His eyes held mine though I averted my gaze. His face was adorned with a very small and delicate smile as he assessed me, waiting for me to speak.

"What brings us here today, Bella?"

I thought for a moment, trying to decide how to say these words – how to push them out of my head and past my lips. They felt like they weighed a tonne, and my body felt heavy holding them inside.

"Alice can't see me yet, can she?" I questioned, focusing my eyes on my hands as they nervously twisted in my lap.

"No, she cannot," Carlisle sounded intrigued and concerned.

"Ok…" I replied, trying to work up enough courage to do what needed to be done.

"Does that mean something significant to you, Bella?" He questioned, his voice softening around the words as though they might be sharp enough to wound me.

I avoided answering.

"Can you help me…?" I tried to push the desperation clear out of my voice, but it was impossible. I was drowning in it and the angst was consuming me in the most horrendous of ways.

"Of course. I'll always do my best to make sure you have what you need – to help you in any way possible. But I'll need more information from you, Bella."

"Ok," I replied, sucking in a large breath of air as though inflating my lungs would inflate my courage, too.

"Whenever you're ready," Carlisle said gently, his hands folding across his lap as he positioned his body in a way that I presumed was meant to telegraph his patience.

Some time passed before I spoke. I tried to collect the thoughts in my head and arrange them in an order that would make sense. I even tried to think about what Carlisle might say or do, and the paths that would open up to me once I shared.

But mostly I was brainstorming the ways we could try to make it work to keep this information from Edward. I desperately wanted to shield him from this because I wasn't sure how much more strain our relationship could take.

Lately, I was just waiting. Waiting for him to vanish, like he had all those months ago. Waiting for him to decide that he'd had enough, or that he knew what was best for me.

I expected him to disappear. And maybe this would be the straw that broke the camel's back – maybe this would be the impetus for the change I was anticipating.

"Bella?" Apparently, I'd been in a daze longer than I'd thought. Carlisle's soft voice carried me back to the present.

"I'm… bleeding… down there," I said softly as, to my dismay, my voice quivered under the weight of those words.

"Ok. I'm glad you shared that with me, and I know it must have been difficult for you. I'm going to ask you a few more questions about that, if it's alright? I'm merely trying to understand the nature of the bleeding and how we might best be able to take care of it," Carlisle explained, shifting in his seat to reach into his small, leather briefcase. From it he pulled a yellow file folder and placed it on his lap.

"Ok."

"I'm assuming – and please tell me if I'm incorrect in my assumptions – that you're referring to vaginal bleeding?"

I nodded, sinking down into the seat, wishing it would swallow me whole.

"Ok. When did the bleeding start?" With his pen poised above the paper on his lap, Carlisle surveyed me carefully.

"This evening. I noticed if before I came downstairs and interrupted the altercation outside."

The quiet in the room seemed too loud. The only noise I could tune into was the sound of Carlisle's pen scratching across the paper that was neatly clipped to the inside of the file folder. I idly wondered what kind of information that folder contained – but I shuddered at the thought, pushing it out of my mind because it was too overwhelming to analyze right now.

"How significant is the bleeding? Would you say that it's an alarming amount? Enough to fill a menstrual pad in less than an hour?"

I shook my head, my face burning underneath the bright crimson that was flooding my cheeks. This was more horrible than I'd anticipated.

"No. Not that much…"

"Is it possible that this is due to your period?"

"Would I be here if it was?"

Carlisle looked up from his notes, his eyebrows slightly arched and his face caught somewhere between admiration and distress.

"You're right, my apologies."

I was glad he caught my annoyance and shifted the conversation to accommodate it. I could appreciate his perspective, and his need to capture the full picture – but I was so tired of feeling like I was the least knowledgeable person in the room. This was my body. I was sure.

"This is different than a period."

"Are you experiencing any unusual cramping, Bella?"

I nodded again, lowering my gaze and absently placing a hand across my abdomen as though to soothe the ache that lingered there.

"How bad is the pain?"

I looked up at him and sucked in a long breath, trying to stop myself from crying.

"I don't know. I'm in pain all the time, it's hard to know what's what anymore. But I do know that this isn't a period. Something doesn't feel… right."

"I believe you," Carlisle offered.

"What do I do?"

"Do you believe you're pregnant, Bella. Is that why we're here?"

My stomach twisted, knots pulling in every direction and I felt the contents of my stomach beginning to rise inside of me. My stomach clenched, tossed, turned, and in seconds I was leaning over the side of the chair, vomiting violently into the pail that Carlisle had placed in front of me.

I sat back, pushing my hair out of my face as Carlisle handed me a tissue and a cup of water.

"I'm sorry, I know this must be exceedingly painful for you, Bella. I wish there was something I could do to ease the difficulty."

"I'm sorry…" I offered feebly, sitting back in the chair as the familiar crimson colour crept up onto my cheeks again.

"You have nothing to apologize for; truly."

I thought for a moment, seriously considering that suggestion. Did I really have nothing to apologize for? Was I really blame free in this situation?

"I went back to visit all of you… after you left. I would go to your home whenever I felt like maybe you weren't real. I would go there and just sit. I would look around, and try to remember every detail I could recall. It was the only thing that made me feel close to Edward again. For those moments, I would pretend he hadn't left – that all of you hadn't left. That I was still whole," I wasn't sure where I was going with this, or why I was explaining so much, especially to Carlisle, but I was finding it hard to stop myself.

"One day I went there, to think. Paul had attacked me in my room the night before. He'd threatened me, though he hadn't really hurt me yet. But I had a feeling he would… so I went to your home, to think. I'd usually park my truck by the garage, and then I'd lay down on the gravel driveway and stare up at the clouds.

The clouds made me think of Edward… and I would think about where he could be, and that wherever it was, it was probably really cloudy there," I shifted in my seat, the pain of recalling that time ripping at my insides.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry that we didn't intervene and try to make him see reason."

I nodded.

"And when I was lying there, thinking of Edward… suddenly… Paul," I struggled over the word, my stomach clenching again at the sound of his name falling from my lips "suddenly he was standing over top of me. He was so angry and violent… and that was the first time it happened. Right in the driveway of your home… and I never went back there. Not until you came back to Forks." I hadn't realized that tears were pooling in my eyes and my body was quivering.

"I understand. That must have been a terribly frightening ordeal, Bella. I only wish we'd been there to protect you," Carlisle offered, his golden eyes brimming with his own despair.

"Me too," I said quietly, tucking my hands into the pocket of the sweater, closing my eyes as I inhaled against the fabric of the collar, breathing in Edward's familiar scent.

"Is it ok if I can you some questions about that? The questions might be upsetting and difficult, but I promise you we'll go at a pace that feels comfortable for you."

I nodded, realizing that the conversation couldn't stop here.

"In the first assault that you just spoke of, was there vaginal penetration?"

My stomach tightened and my vision blurred. I tried to push back against the heaviness of the memories that were fogging my vision.

"Yes."

"Do you know – and it's ok and understandable if you don't – but do you know if a condom was used?"

Before I could stop myself I was retching into the silver pail again, watching the bile from my stomach splatter loudly against the hollow inside.

I sat upright and, once again, Carlisle handed me a tissue and a cup of water. I waited for my stomach to settle before answering his question.

"No, he never used one," I replied, and I felt as though all of the air inside of me was being sucked from my body. I could feel myself deflating against the heaviness of this conversation. It felt as though I was being ripped open and laid bare – all of the darkest parts of myself exposed and unguarded. I fought against the urge to get up and leave. I wanted to run, every part of me was begging for it. Facing this was indescribable. Like it was happening all over again.

Reminders of what he had done – what he might have left behind.

Devastating.

"Do you know when the first day of your last menstrual period was?"

I nodded.

It was the same day that Paul first threatened me, after the bonfire on the reservation. He had threatened me, and tried to kiss me.

I remember because when he left, and I went upstairs into my bedroom, I went into the bathroom to try and collect myself – splashing water on my face and trying to calm myself down enough so that if Charlie were to come check on me when he got home from work it would be less obvious that something had happened.

When I changed into my pajamas I noticed my period. And then I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably.

 _What was going on? Why was he so angry with me? Would he try something again?_

I couldn't fathom the thought. I figured he was angry. I figured he had limits and boundaries. I didn't see the value in pursuing it or telling Jacob anything because I never figured he would go as far as he did.

"March 15th," my quiet voice echoed in the room and I saw Carlisle's eyes flashing across the folder sitting across his lap.

He closed the folder then and placed it on the desk behind him, realization dawning on his face.

"Do you think you're pregnant, Bella?"

I closed my eyes, pressing the lids together so tightly I figured it would be impossible for tears to escape through the closure. But I felt it, the warm, salty tears sliding down my crimson stained cheeks.

"Yes," I said softly, my hands coming to rest across my eyes as I tried to conceal my tears.

Pathetic.

I was being pathetic.

I was sure Carlisle would be horrified. I was sure that he would find me pathetic and I was sure he would want to keep me as far away from Edward as possible. I was complicating their lives, and he should want to keep me at as far a distance as possible.

Instead, I felt two cold hands rest gently on either of my arms, pulling so as to move my hands from covering my eyes.

Carlisle was kneeling in front of me, his eyes filled with sadness and understanding. He wiped a stray tear that was travelling down my cheek and then he pulled me into his icy cold arms.

And I collapsed there. My entire body shaking as I sobbed against him. My body was aching and protesting but I couldn't find withhold these emotions any longer. It was consuming and I had no choice but to allow it this uninterrupted outlet.

A few minutes later, after I felt like I'd emptied my body of every last drop of water it had inside of it I pulled my head up from Carlisle's shoulder and found his eyes.

"I can help you," he whispered, standing and pulling me to my feet as well.

"Whatever the outcome of this is, I can help you. And I _will_ help you. Please don't think otherwise, Bella."

"I'm wary of staying here but now that Charlie has some idea of what's going on I'm slightly less worried. In any case, I won't be requesting the assistance of any nurses and none of what we discuss or do today will be recorded anywhere in any hospital record, ok?"

"Ok," I agreed.

"I think it's wise to stay here so we have access to the hospital's facilities until we figure out what's going on."

"Ok… Carlisle?"

"Yes?"

My heart ached at the question that was formulating in my mind.

But I needed to know.

"Do you think he'll leave me?"

Carlisle stopped and turned to face me.

"Edward?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely not."

"But he did… he has. All those months ago… he left. And now I'm just waiting for him to do it again. Last time, it was over the smallest thing, something that was barely significant. And now, with everything that's happening, I'm just holding my breath, waiting for him to leave me again."

"I can't speak for Edward, but I know beyond a doubt that he regrets his decision to leave every single day. And I know that he is devoted you to and bound to you by unbreakable bonds."

I looked up at Carlisle and saw the resolution in his eyes. He spoke with conviction.

"Bound to me?" I questioned, sure that there was more to that statement than he'd shared with me.

"Yes. But you should really speak to Edward about that – he would be the most appropriate person to discuss that with," Carlisle explained, walking toward the door of his office.

"I need to gather a few things, Bella. Are you ok staying here until I return?"

"Yes."

A few moments later Carlisle returned, and in his hands, he held two rectangular shaped boxes. He placed them on his desk and then sat in the chair across from mine again.

"These are pregnancy tests. One is a urine test and the other is a blood test. Both are very accurate. I'd like to confirm that you're pregnant and then I think it would be wise to do a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. I know it might seem overwhelming right now, but I assure you that we'll take it slowly."

"I'd rather do it and get it done with. I'd rather know…"

"I think that's a wise choice." Carlisle began pulling at the sterile packaging and opened the first one up to reveal a small cup and a thin, white stick with lines drawn across it in various places.

"There's a bathroom in here, are you comfortable using it?"

I stopped and thought for a moment. My heart rate was picking up considerably. My vision was blurring; my hands were shaking. There was a ringing sound in my ears and I felt like I might lose consciousness.

I was overwhelmed.

"Edward…" I breathed out, my voice barely a whisper.

"Bella?" Carlisle called out to me, but I couldn't respond.

"Edward…" I said again.

"Do you want him here with you?"

I nodded.

Despite my mounting worries about whether or not he would leave me again, it was with him that I felt safest. He was the lifeline that tethered me to the earth when I felt myself slipping away.

Carlisle pulled his phone from his pocket and pressed it against his ear, speaking in hushed tones as he moved to my side and helped me into my seat.

"He'll be here shortly. Hang on, Bella."

I pushed back against the darkness that was threatening to overtake me.

I held on.

I waited.

Edward was my love.

He was everything I'd ever lost come back to me.

And so I would wait.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"Bella needs you, Edward," Carlisle's voice was hushed and I could hear the sounds of him moving through the phone. I could hear Bella's heart thumping wildly against her chest.

"What's wrong?"

"Come as quickly as you can. She's ok, but she needs you."

"I'm on my way," I said as I pressed the end button on my phone.

In seconds I was in my Volvo, backing out of our garage and speeding down the driveway and onto the highway.

The car couldn't move me fast enough. It couldn't bring me back to Bella as quickly as I wanted it to. But I pressed on.

Bella needed me.

My mind ran through all of the possibilities, trying to build on correlations and suspicions, trying to speculate about what could be happening.

A million possibilities tore through me, each of them grimmer than the last.

 _She's with Carlisle, therefore she's fine._

I had to keep reminding me that she was ok, that whatever was happening was solvable and wasn't life threatening. She was with Carlisle. She was in the best of hands.

I arrived at the hospital and that was when my sense took over. I could smell here as clearly as though she were standing next to me.

And I followed the scent, to the back of the building where I parked next to Carlisle's car in the staff parking spot, not caring that I didn't technically have access to that spot.

I sped through the hallway, following her scent until I stopped myself right in front of Carlisle's office door.

I'd been here many times before.

Some of those times had been in relation to Bella – when we'd first met, and I was trying to control my thirst for her blood, I'd sought Carlisle's advice from behind this very door. It was here that he'd convinced me to stay, to fight against the beast that was raging on inside of me.

He'd convinced me to trust myself.

And now Bella was here, just behind this door and her scent was alarmingly strong.

I knocked, my desperation to see her growing.

Carlisle answered the door and escorted me inside.

I paused, taking a moment to assess my surroundings.

Bella was sitting in a chair at the far side of the room, her body slouched against the frame, hands folded across her lap as she tugged on her bottom lip with her teeth.

She looked frightened.

The smell of her blood was overpowering – it was everywhere. Old stains had marred the pristine appearance of the room, dark red splotches that were evidence of everything that had taken place here.

My mind dug through Carlisle's as he recalled the events that had led to her blood spilling out into his office a week prior:

A frantic Carlisle, desperately trying to pull an unconscious Bella off the brink of death. Suturing her wounds, assessing the most dangerous of her injuries as he simultaneously soothed and consoled Emmett and Jasper.

Bella's body, lifeless as she clung to life.

That was why her blood was here, staining this room with the darkness of that moment.

 _I suspect she's pregnant, Edward. And possibly miscarrying._

I looked at him, allowing those words to settle inside of my mind. I could tell from the energy of the room that Bella needed me to remain composed – I needed to process all of this and I needed to do it quickly.

My pain had no place here.

Not when Bella was falling to pieces.

Not when everything around her was crashing down.

Not when she was faced with this impossible circumstance and the possibility that her life might be forever transformed in a very physical and tangible way by the violence she'd endured.

I inhaled, then exhaled and then I went to her.

"Bella?"

She looked at me, her eyes a mixture of sadness, fear, and relief.

She reached a hand out and placed it on my face, leaving it there as she spoke.

"I'm sorry," she offered, her voice heavy with her pain.

"Don't apologize, my love," I gently commanded, placing my hand on top of hers.

"I think… I might be… I think I'm pregnant." She was exhausted. Every inch of her body was fraying, her fatigue evident in every action she took.

"We'll get through this, Bella," I assured her. Other, more comforting, words were failing me.

"Don't go," she pleaded, her hands shaking with her request.

I held them in my own, stilling them as I brought them to my lips and softly kissed each finger.

"Never," I promised.

She collapsed her body against mine, and I pulled her weight against my chest, cradling her in my arms.

We stayed this way for a while, Bella perfectly still as I held her without words.

"I'm ready," she said, pulling her head up from my chest as she searched the room for Carlisle. He had been leaning against his desk, his arms folded across his chest as he worked, very hard, to contain the powerful emotions that were raging through him.

His anguish was palpable – barely contained by the room we were in and he was internally warring with himself to gain control of it.

I understood.

When Bella spoke Carlisle pushed himself off the desk, bringing the pregnancy test kit with him.

"Do you know how these work?" He questioned, sitting next to Bella.

"Yes," she declared as she stood to her feet and pulled the package from Carlisle's hands.

"You can bring the specimen cup out here and we'll read the results together, ok?"

Bella nodded and headed toward the bathroom, the package shaking in her hands as she did.

When the door closed behind her Carlisle looked at me seriously.

"You need to speak with her, Edward. You need to have a frank conversation with her and withhold nothing. She ardently believes that you'll leave her at a moment's notice. She's waiting for you to decide what's best for her again, or decide that you've had enough and it's hindering her healing. She needed you today but she withheld because she was sure that if you found out you wouldn't want to be with her anymore," Carlisle admonished, his voice low as he surveyed me from across the room.

"I know. Rosalie cornered me in the garage shortly after you and Bella left. She lectured me thoroughly on the topic. I intend to be honest with her, I've just had trouble finding the most opportune moment – there haven't been many. It's been crisis management for over a week now," I explained.

Carlisle's eyes softened and he nodded.

"I know, and this all must be very difficult for you, as well as her. You're not alone Edward. You have your family to lean on for support as you try to figure out how to best support Bella. Don't underestimate Rosalie. She's a lot wiser than you credit her for."

I would've responded and agreed with Carlisle, but just as I was about to Bella pushed the bathroom door open, her hand grasped around a small, opaque container. She walked it over to Carlisle and placed it in his hands and then moved to the chair across from his desk.

Carlisle placed the specimen container on his desk and sat opposite Bella is in office chair. He pulled the long, thin, white stick from the container and rested it inside the cup, waiting the requisite 30 seconds.

I sat in the chair next to Bella, pulling her hand into mine.

Her eyes were shut tightly, her heart was pounding and her body was shaking.

"It's ok, love. I'm here – no matter what," I promised. I wasn't sure she'd heard me though, she seemed lost to her own thoughts.

Carlisle pulled the stick from the cup, his eyes trained on the lines, waiting for a result to appear.

I listened to his thoughts as closely as I could, anticipating the results.

I held Bella's hand tighter, and she squeezed back, her body vibrating with her fear.

And then Carlisle knew.

And so did I.

* * *

 **A/N: It's a horrible thing - to leave such an awful cliff hanger. BUT, I will be updating soon! I'm hoping to update before Dec. 25, as that's my goal. I promise you I don't want to leave you hanging for very long. And I do have a good reason for leaving this as a cliffhanger, I promise.**

 **Please, let me know what you think. Every review I receive kicks my butt into gear and gets me back in front of my computer, editing faster so that I can post a new chapter. This story is really picking up in my brain - and it's thanks to all of you!**

 **Forgive me for this evil cliffhanger?**

 **xx,**

 **-mm**


	18. Mercy

Chapter 18 – Mercy

* * *

 **EPOV**

Time seemed to move in slow motion – which was a rarity for vampires as we could process everything at hyper speed and our brains rarely slowed down in the way they did for humans. There was no need to accommodate delayed processing because there was nothing vampires processed in delay.

This moment appeared to be an exception. Carlisle's thoughts slowed to an almost intolerable pace as he registered the results of the exam. I dug through this thoughts, and it took more effort than I was used to when I tried to capture what he was thinking and process it in my own mind. I was used to this happening instantaneously, as effortless and second nature as breathing was to humans – it typically happened without thought.

 _Positive._

I tried to control my reaction, not wanting to pre-emptively deliver the news to Bella, but it appeared that all of my faculties were outside my control. I wasn't able to temper my reaction. I wasn't able to hold myself in check as I'd wanted to.

Bella shifted uncomfortably in the chair next to me, pulling her hand away from my own as she brought it up to cover her face with her hands. Her shoulders and body slumped forward and her hair fell in front of her face, obscuring my view of her slightly.

But I knew how she was feeling. He body was vibrating against the leather of the chair more forcefully now, and her breathing was pitched and less even. Her heart was thumping loudly in her chest, all making it obvious that she was working towards a full blown panic attack.

She inhaled deeply, and exhaled in a similar fashion. She pushed her shoulders back, sucked in a large gulp of air and pushed her hair from her face to behind her ears which were marked with a small tinge of red. Her cheeks were flushed, but she continued her slow, deliberate breathing, trying to even herself out before she spoke.

"Carlisle?" Her voice was raspy and her body was shaking even harder now.

Carlisle looked up from the white stick he was holding in his hands and his eyes settled on Bella's anxious form.

He seemed at a loss for words, and although I knew Bella was already likely aware of the results given her perceptiveness and my reaction to Carlisle's thoughts, she was looking for confirmation.

"It's positive Bella, I'm sorry." His voice was soft and filled with sadness. I felt my own body reacting to the results spoken aloud. My hands were tensed into claw-like formations and a low growl was erupting from me.

Every instinct inside of me was screaming at me to leave – to protect Bella in the best way I knew how: by killing the thing that did this to her.

The impulse was so strong, so overpowering, that I had to internalize myself to appropriately process the emotions that were flooding me.

What do I do?

What do I say?

How do I make this better?

Bella was processing the information in the only way she knew how, by assessing the possibilities, the potential outcomes and her course of action.

Just as she had in Port Angeles, the year that we first met, when she was nearly attacked by a group of delinquents. She had, step by step, plotted her plan of action – her recourse. When any other human would have been panicking, frantic and incoherent, Bella was composed and staring down danger and hardship head on.

I suspected her thoughts were no different in this circumstance.

But how did I factor in?

My mind immediately drifted to earlier today, shortly after Bella had left, Rosalie had cornered me in our garage and had given me an earful of what Carlisle would've referred to as 'widsom'.

" _So she left with Carlisle?" Rosalie strolled into the garage, sauntering past me as she leaned casually against my covered Aston Marten._

" _Apparently," I seethed through clenched teeth._

" _Without you?" It wasn't a question so much as a confused query._

" _Not if I can help it. I'm going anyway. Whether she wants me to or not." I knew I was being irrational and petulant, but it didn't change the reality. There was no way I'd leave Bella's side. I would go, stay close enough by that she wouldn't know I was there but make sure I was in earshot so I could keep tabs on her safety._

" _Did you ever think that maybe it's not up to you?" she suggested as she ran her perfectly manicured fingers through her heavy, blond locks._

 _I cocked an eyebrow at her, curious enough that her statement sparked my interest rather than my rage._

" _You have to give her some space, Edward. You're practically suffocating her."_

 _I gawked at her, absolutely floored at the suggestion._

" _Space?" I growled lowly "have you seen her, Rosalie?"_

" _Obviously. Who hasn't? And if I'm not seeing her, I'm hearing her. It's impossible to ignore the presence of a traumatized human in a house full of vampires."_

" _Then how could you suggest that?" I spat, my fury bubbling to the surface._

 _Rosalie's eyes met my own and she was the picture of calm, quiet tranquility. She shut her eyes and inhaled deeply before speaking._

" _Have you told her it's not her fault? Have you assured her that you love her, that your leaving was a mistake, that you won't leave her again and that what happened to her changes nothing about your relationship?" She spoke the words at a very inhuman speed, and the meaning was not lost on me._

 _I looked at her, incredulous._

 _She opened her eyes and glared at me._

" _Well, have you?" she pressed._

 _I thought for a brief moment, recalling in a single second everything that had transpired over the past several days._

 _My heart sank at my realization._

" _No, not directly," I was horrified. I took pause to think for another moment._

" _But she knows that. Of course she knows that," I explained, pacing the length of the garage as Rosalie watched me, an odd, knowing look on her face._

" _Does she?"_

 _I stopped pacing and stood in front of Rosalie, my eyes locked on her own. What was she trying to tell me?_

" _What does that mean?" I questioned angrily._

" _Edward – you're brilliant…" she trailed off, closing her eyes again as though to replay memories in her own mind. I tried to access her thoughts, but found myself shut just outside of whatever it was she was reminiscing about._

" _But sometimes… you're not."_

 _I looked at her quizzically._

 _Sometimes I'm not? I mulled over that statement, completely confused. It was as though she was confirming the statement for herself._

" _Bella blames herself for this. She thinks she's the reason this happened. You saw and heard her terror, right? She's afraid. Desperately afraid. And not just for her own well-being, but for yours as well. For all of us…"_

 _I let Rosalie's words sink in._

 _She thinks this is her fault…?_

" _Oh hell," the words spilled out of me and I pushed a hand shakily through my hair, coming to grips with the reality of what Rosalie was telling me._

" _I haven't told her that it isn't… which for Bella probably just confirms what she already thinks."_

 _Rosalie nodded, her eyes cast downwards._

" _She won't even speak about it, Rose. She won't answer Carlisle's questions, she won't answer mine, she won't tell us what happened, or for how long. She's barely eating… she's barely sleeping… it's like she's fading away in front of me…"_

" _Have you thought that maybe you should stop pushing? Let her be for a bit? How much does it change things if she admits what happened? Does it change anything right now, in this moment?"_

 _I thought for a moment before answering, "No."_

" _Right. She agreed to the exam which was probably painful beyond measure, she's here, everyone knows – for god's sake Carlisle was the one to perform the exam! Do you have any idea how hard all of this is for her? She's not thinking clearly. She's operating entirely from the perspective of complete terror. Everything she's done since all of this started, and everything she's doing now is her own convoluted way of protecting herself and the people she cares about."_

 _I leaned against the workbench opposite Rosalie, absorbing everything she was telling me, trying to keep from feeling overwhelmed._

" _What do I do?" I was lost. I had no clue._

 _I was so far outside my depths and I had no way of knowing what would heal and what would harm anymore._

" _Give her space. Let her process this in the way she needs to,"_

" _What does that mean? What does that look like?" I questioned, desperate now to pull every morsel of wisdom out of Rosalie. She could see so much more than I could in this moment. She knew this more intimately than I ever could._

" _I don't know," she shrugged, folding her arms across her chest as a small smile played across her lips._

" _My reaction was to painfully, and mercilessly murder the people that hurt me," she said matter-of-factly, her voice completely devoid of emotion._

" _But I was also a newborn vampire, and Bella is not. So it'll probably look a bit different for her."_

" _Yes, I don't think vengeance is high on her list at the moment. She's still terrified."_

" _Yes, she is. So, help her feel safe. Let her know that you're safe."_

" _Of course I'm safe," I growled, unable to accept the suggestion that Bella might not know that I wouldn't harm her._

" _Are you, though? If what Bella wants right now is to pretend she wasn't raped, and you're forcing her to relive it every second of every day, are you really safe to her? And if what she fears most, second to that monster, is you leaving, and the two of you haven't even discussed your hissy fit after her last birthday… do you really think you're the easiest person for her to be around? For her to open up to?"_

" _No," I responded immediately, Rosalie's words clicking in my head in the way nothing else had since this all began._

" _This isn't about me, or what I want," I started, realization dawning on me "it's about helping Bella come to terms with this in a way that makes sense to her."_

" _Exactly. She's checked off the most important points. She's here, she's safe, Carlisle is healing her body – her physical wounds, but you've both forgotten about her emotional wounds."_

 _I looked at Rosalie, thinking about her words, her life and her thoughts. I'd been privy to far more than I should have been in being able to read her thoughts. I knew that Rosalie was still defined, in some small way, by what had been done to her. The thought that Bella might suffer for decades, as Rosalie had, was unbearable._

" _Does it get better?" I questioned, my tone the softest it had ever been with Rosalie. She locked her eyes on mine, and I saw the pain brimming beneath the surface._

" _It does. But it's never gone… not fully. It fades. It faded for me in a very visceral way, mostly because the memories became somewhat hazy once I was changed. But it still lingers."_

 _I saw it there in Rosalie, the way all of this evoked so much anguish for her. She'd avoided being home as much as possible, not because she didn't care, but because this resurrected many old wounds for her._

 _This was painful for her._

" _I'm sorry, Rose."_

 _She nodded once._

" _I know."_

" _So what do I do?"_

" _Well, respect her wishes, for one. Stop assuming you know best. Because you clearly don't. You left, and that wasn't what was best for Bella. Not because of that monster and what he did, but because you leaving broke Bella's heart and nearly destroyed our family. Be there, but leave her be. Stop closing doors, stop dictating everything. Let her feel that she has some control over her life. We'll protect her no matter what," she alleged fiercely._

 _She was right. No matter what, above all else, I would never allow Paul to harm Bella again. I would end him and ensure that would never be a possibility._

" _Thank you," I whispered, grateful for Rose and her wisdom, and for her dedication to helping Bella. She nodded and before I could say anything else she was gone._

My mind lingered on the conversation with Rosalie now. Her wisdom, her words – all of it made sense. None of it had registered in my own mind without her prompting. I used what she had shared with me to inform this moment. My reaction was important, I wanted Bella to know that regardless of the choice she made, or what was happening to her body, a positive result wouldn't change anything about our relationship.

I needed to be forthright. Up until this point I'd feared honesty with Bella because I wasn't sure how much she could handle. I didn't want to be responsible for disarming her anymore than she already was. But I was beginning to realize that holding so much back, that providing only my physical presence without offering emotional support to match it was not very helpful at all.

Before I left, Bella and I were intensely emotionally connected. I shared with her parts of myself that I'd guarded with everyone else, and the same was true for her. Why, when she needed me the most, was I introducing such an alien concept to our relationship?

"Bella, love?" I stood from the chair and then moved to kneel next to her. She was staring straight ahead, her expression devoid of any indicators of how she was feeling. She was as still as a human could be now, her breathing uneven and slightly ragged.

I placed my hand against her own as it rested on arm of the chair. She flinched and I made to move my hand away but she held me there.

Still staring off into the distance she spoke.

"You're so cold." Her voice was barely a whisper.

I nodded, understanding that it was something she was grateful for in this moment.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like to be cold…" she trailed off and caught the single tear that was sliding down her cheek with her index finger, wiping all evidence of it away.

Carlisle and I remained silent, waiting for Bella to speak again.

"He was so… _hot_. All the time. It was all I could feel, even when he wasn't near me… it was all I could feel…"

"I'm sorry." The words choked out of me as I watched her relive the memories right before my eyes.

"What now, Carlisle?" She turned to face him as she spoke, her hand still gripping my own.

Carlisle looked solemn as he spoke.

"This confirms that you are pregnant. But the bleeding means that you might be experiencing a miscarriage. A pelvic exam and a blood test are the best ways to confirm whether or not you are miscarrying. If you are…"

"If I am?"

"We can discuss what that will look like once we figure out if that's what's happening, ok?"

Bella nodded, her hand tightening around my own.

"The choice is yours, Bella. We can have another doctor perform the exam, or I can do it myself. Whatever you choose is perfectly acceptable."

"You," she whispered, her voice filled the heaviness of her sadness as she tried to hold back the tears that were forming in her eyes.

"Alright," Carlisle nodded "I'll prepare an examination room. With only myself involved in the exam we'll be able to keep this very discreet. I'll do my very best to make sure nobody is aware of what's happening."

"Thank you." Her voice was soft, straining against the tears that were catching in her throat.

Carlisle left moments later, carrying the specimen cup with him as he exited his office.

I waited a few moments, collecting my own thoughts enough before speaking.

"Are you ok?" The question sounded ridiculous as it spilled past my lips, but I couldn't fathom another way to phrase it.

"No," she said softly, closing her eyes.

"Can I ask what you're thinking?"

Bella was quiet for a few moments.

"I'd like you to hold me," she requested, her eyes still shut tightly.

I moved slowly, pulling her body into my own as I sat down in the chair, draping her across my lap in one seamless movement.

Her hands moved to my chest, resting there as she laid her bruised cheek against the place where my heart would have been. She inhaled and sighed, almost in relief.

"I feel like I'll never be cold enough again," she said solemnly. It was a confession, I realized. She was confessing her concern – her worry that she might never be whole again. That his presence in her life might never leave.

This pregnancy – it changed things for her. What had already been unbearably hard was morphing into something she wasn't sure she could survive.

"I'm here, Bella. I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere… no matter what." I tried to emphasize the last point so she would realize what I was trying to convey.

She paused and moved her head to look up at me, her eyes serious and red-rimmed.

"You would stay…" She sounded confused, curious.

"I'm not leaving you, Bella. I won't ever leave your side again. There is no force strong enough on this earth to keep me from you now."

She looked even more confused by my admission, her eyes softening around the edges as she tried to grasp the meaning of my words.

"But…" she began, stopping herself before she could finish.

"What is it?"

"You left… and now, I'm always waiting for you to leave again. I'm waiting for all of this…" she looked down at her stomach, anguish filling her face, "to become too much for you."

"I left because I was trying to keep you safe. I don't think I truly understood what that meant. I didn't appreciate that despite the dangers inherent to my kind, you _are_ safest with me. We aren't meant to be apart," I said emphatically, trying to convey to her how sincere I was in all that I was saying.

Her eyes were still sad, tears were streaming down her face and she made no attempt to hide them.

"I _want_ to believe you."

"It'll take time, love. And we have time. I'll do everything I can to prove to you that I won't leave you again. That there is nothing that can tear us apart. I vow to you that I will regain your trust, no matter what it takes." My hand moved to her hair as I pushed it out of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. She pressed her cheek more firmly into the stone of my chest, her body relaxing as she did.

"You are everything he's not," she said lightly. Everything inside of me clenched at her admission. What must be occupying her mind? How much had she endured? How much did I still not know? I felt nauseated, if that was even possible, at the thought of what she'd been through.

I placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head, unsure of what else to say, but pleased that we were engaging in this honesty with one another. I knew this conversation wouldn't end here – it couldn't. I couldn't erase so many layers of pain that I had created with one, single conversation. This would resurface, I realized, in every moment of insecurity our relationship faced and I would have to patiently address it each time. It was the least I could do. I owed it to Bella.

We sat for a few minutes longer in amicable silence, my arms draped across Bella's slight frame, her breathing becoming slow and even as she relaxed into me. I could feel the wet of her tears soaking into the fabric of my shirt as it clung to my chest in it's dampness.

It wasn't long before Carlisle returned, knocking lightly before entering.

"Everything is all set, Bella. I managed to find an unused examination room that isn't well trafficked. I've set everything up and I'm ready whenever you are."

Bella stilled in my arms, and I realized she was holding her breath when I noticed the absence of breathing movements and sounds.

"Breathe, Bella."

She looked up and me and exhaled, her eyes weary and her body looking more worn than ever before.

"I'm tired." Her voice was soft. I knew she meant more with those words than was immediately apparent. She was at her breaking point – at the threshold of what she could bear.

"I know, love. What can I do?"

"Stay with me."

"Of course."

Bella looked toward Carlisle, her eyes painted with worry.

"I'm ready."

* * *

The room was cold, clinical and entirely impersonal. Perhaps that was for the best. Separation from this moment might make it easier for Bella to transition back into being home, creating space between her and the difficulties she was about to endure.

A small tray was neatly arranged next to the examination table, silver instruments lining it and glistening in the fluorescent overhead light. The walls were tiled, pristine white and reflected the harsh lighting back with unnerving austerity.

Carlisle stood at the head of the examination table where Bella sat, her legs dangling over the side. She looked so small in this setting, her thinness amplified by the lighting and her frailty made more apparent.

"You'll need to change, Bella. I know that you won't be able to easily do so on your own, so myself or Edward can help you if you'd like?"

Bella's soft eyes met mine and sadness filled her features.

"Would you?" she asked, turning to face Carlisle.

"Of course."

"I'll be just outside the doors, Bella. Call me when you're ready." And with that, I left.

I tried not to listen, the sounds of Bella whimpering in pain as Carlisle helped her out of the slacks and sweater she wore. But it was impossible. I was so highly attuned to her pain that it would be an almost insurmountable task to ignore.

A few minutes passed and I waited impatiently outside the doors.

"Let's take a break for a moment, shall we?" I heard Carlisle's suggestion through the doors. Bella was in too much pain to press forward and needed a moment to recollect. My fists clenched at my sides, knowing that she was still in agony from his last attack made this all the more painful.

They resumed shortly after and it wasn't long before Bella's tired voice was calling after me.

I entered the room, suppressing a growl when I saw Bella dressed in a hospital gown, laying flat on the examination table. Her pale skin seemed to glow under the light that Carlisle had trained on her body. I moved to her side, my hand taking hers as soon as I reached her.

I leaned forward, placing a kiss against her temple and she pushed her face against my lips, her eyes closing as her body relaxed in reaction.

"Whenever you're ready, Bella, move your body down the examination table until you feel the edge. The place your feet into the stirrups and allow your knees to fall to the side," Carlisle explained, standing at the end of the exam table.

She began moving and then hesitated, her eyes trained on me.

"You won't… listen… right?" Her eyes were filled with worry and shame.

"Of course not, love. It's just as before. I'll respect your privacy."

She sighed and the nodded, moving down the length of the table, following Carlisle's instructions.

* * *

 **BPOV**

I didn't want them to know how painful it had been last time. I'd fought my hardest to suppress the sounds of agony that would have been emitting from me were I not trying to keep them in the dark.

It wasn't just that it was physically painful. The emotional toll was high. The feeling of the speculum sitting inside of my body was something that was remarkably triggering, bringing me back to the moments where Paul had violated me. It was a visceral reminder, an inescapable horror that my mind forced me to relive at the slightest provocation.

Today would be no different, I imagined.

The room was cold, filled with angular, hard objects that looked sanitized and clinical. In a way, this was better than a more familiar setting. It seemed that my life was filled now with reminders of Paul where there should have only been memories of my life that predated his existence in my world.

But it was tarnished now.

The window in my bedroom, the one that Edward used to climb through so he could lay with me every night before he left me no, longer held that singular meaning. Where my brain should have pictured Edward it now pictured Paul.

The driveway of the Cullen's home that should have reminded me of my first formal meeting with Edward's family now reminded me of the first time Paul violated me on the gravel stones of their driveway as I gazed up at their home in disbelief.

Edward's lips tracing the outline of my jaw, from my ear to the hollow of my collarbone… he hadn't touched me that way since he left but I was sure that if and when he did, it would remind me of Paul's lips on my body – their violence leaving massive bruises in their wake.

I sat perfectly still as Carlisle worked. He was, as always, careful to check in with me, and worked as quickly as was possible without aggravating my injuries. There was no better-qualified person to provide me with this care, I realized.

But even that was tarnished now, too.

Instead of being Edward's partner, companion, love – I would forever be something entirely different to Carlisle. To all of the Cullen's, really. Carlisle had been the guide to my most painfully intimate catastrophes. He had witnessed and been privy to more of my body than anyone else had ever been – save for Paul.

The legacy this would leave would be unavoidable and haunting. How could I ever be viewed as an equal in his eyes when I'd been stripped of every shred of dignity I had remaining?

I was grateful that in a matter of minutes, Carlisle was finished. I knew he was done because he dropped the instruments into a large, silver bowl filled with water. The clang of metal hitting metal reverberated off the walls of the room, jarring me back to the present moment.

It was over.

I was afraid to look at Carlisle, afraid to know the answer to our queries – petrified of either outcome, completely unsure of what would be best, of what would be most merciful.

What was mercy at this point, anyway? If mercy was a thing that actually existed, it was foreign to me, obviously repelled by my very nature and unwilling to reveal itself to me in any capacity.

"We're all done, Bella." Carlisle's voice was soft, alarmingly so. It was as if they were carried to me by a gentle breeze, wafting passed my face, barely permeating my reality.

And then I looked up, finding his face and trying to read all of the things that I was anticipating hearing.

But it was undecipherable. The perfect planes of his face were pulled into a deep frown, and his eyes were set in an expression of sadness. I was sure that if he were human, the look on his face would have been even more jarring. And because I didn't know what he was thinking – or what I was thinking for that matter, it was impossible to know what his expression of anguish meant.

"My examination detects no dilation of your cervix. The bleeding you're experiencing isn't originating from your uterus. The bleeding is from a reopening of one of the repaired lacerations. It's fine and should heal on its own at this point without issue."

My heart plummeted, my stomach felt queasy and suddenly it felt as though the room was spinning.

I wasn't a doctor and I didn't know as much as Carlisle did, but I knew that if I were miscarrying it would mean that my cervix would show some amount of dilation to release the tissue from my uterus.

I felt Edward stiffen next to me, his body growing tense and his presence becoming more palpable.

"You're not miscarrying," he clarified.

I was frozen. Silent. My mind wasn't moving; it was stuck in a state of… shock?

I couldn't feel. I couldn't think. I had nothing to say. There was nothing to do. There was no direction in my mind that made any sense.

So I remained silent.

I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes.

I wished to fade away into nothing. I wished for darkness to consume me and wrap me in it's cool embrace.

This was so much more than I could bare.

As if moving on autopilot, my hand moved to my stomach, gently pressing against the soft space.

Inside of me… was a part of him.

It was the reason Alice couldn't see me.

I carried a part of him inside of me.

Half him… but half me.

And it would grow.

It would take shape or be part of my life.

Or it wouldn't.

But how could I make that decision? How could I be responsible for determining anything about my own future when I could barely make it through each day intact.

I wanted to feel something, but the tightness in my throat and the sick feeling in my stomach were overwhelming.

I kept my eyes tightly shut, drowning out the noises around me. I was terrified of opening my eyes to see Edward standing over me. I didn't want to look into his perfectly angelic face to try and analyze what he was feeling because what I saw there might have the power to push me over the edge.

So I lay still. Unmoving. Silent.

"Bella?" A soft voice caused me to stir, though my eyes remained closed.

"Hm?" was all I could manage in reply.

"I was asking if you would be ok with an ultrasound? I know this is difficult, I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but I think it's important to get a fuller picture here so we can convene and discuss possible options. Would you be ok with that?" Carlisle sounded gentle, even, assured. He remained resolute, unwavering.

I wondered if Edward would sound the same when he spoke.

"Bella, love?" And there it was, the voice of my love. It rang in my ears and my heart thudded with more enthusiasm at the sound of it.

"I…" I tried to reply, but I had nothing to say.

I felt an icy coolness rest near my ear and I smelled Edward's intoxicating scent.

"This changes nothing, love. Whatever choice you make, however you approach this, I offer you nothing but my unconditional support and I will stand with you and support you through this no matter what."

My heart thudded wildly at this words. I felt the energy re-entering my body.

I lay still for another moment, my mind combing over Edward's words. I internally battled with the two distinct parts of myself: the part that believed him, and the part that wondered if he remained with me out of guilt.

I hated that I had to question it, that I wasn't certain. But there were so many warring parts of myself and I barely had enough energy to keep them at bay without the added chaos today had delivered.

"Do you promise?" I whispered, reaching out for his hand and being immediately met with his cool, icy grasp.

"I promise."

"Ok." My voice was low but despite my eyes remaining shut I knew Carlisle heard because I heard the sound of the metal tray being pushed to the corner of the room as the familiar scraping of wheels against tile grew louder and louder.

I felt a heavy blanket fall gently across my lap.

"Can you pull your gown up, Bella?" Carlisle was standing next to me now, his soft voice reaching me from a few feet away.

I unclasped my hand from Edward's and reached down underneath the blanket across my lap, searching for the hem of the gown. I pulled it up until it sat just below my sternum.

"This might feel cool, it's just the gel I'll use to help maneuver the wand across your abdomen."

I nodded, knowing that the coolness of the gel wouldn't be alarming to me.

I craved the cold.

I lay silently, my eyes finding one of the ceiling tiles and resting there, counting the tiny, black specks as Carlisle continued his work.

Curiosity was brewing inside of me when the realization sunk in that whatever was living inside of me was pictured on the screen that was right next to my bedside. I was tempted to look but conflicted. I was sure that seeing it there, on the screen would make all of this even more real and I knew I wasn't prepared for that.

"Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"Can you see?"

He was silent for a moment.

"Yes."

"Ok," I replied, gripping his hand even tighter and I continued my work of counting the specks on the ceiling tile directly above me.

"Based on my measurements, I believe that you're roughly 8 weeks along."

I sucked in a large gulp of air, unsure of what that could mean… of the significance of Carlisle's declaration.

"But I'm unable to detect a heartbeat, Bella."

Again, Edward stiffened, his clasp on my hand tightening noticeably.

"What does that mean?" I questioned softly.

Carlisle explained that he would need to perform a transvaginal ultrasound to see if he could detect a heartbeat that way. Apparently, an ultrasound, when performed transvaginally, could more reliably and accurately detect a heartbeat in early gestation.

I was overwhelmed but agreed. The procedure was uncomfortable, triggering, painful and humiliating. But I closed my eyes and persevered, wanting to be done with this, wanting to know for sure so I could begin to think about where to go from here, wherever 'here' was.

When Carlisle was done he helped me pull the hem of my gown back down beneath my bottom and then Edward snaked an arm around my waist, sitting me upright and then taking my hand once more.

"I've found no heartbeat," he explained "which may mean that the fetus is no longer developing and won't develop past this point. Or it may mean that it's evasive and I just haven't captured the heartbeat. There is no way to know for certain without a blood test and frequent monitoring of your condition."

Carlisle's voice was solemn and he sounded tired. I felt incredulous at the observation, knowing that vampires didn't feel physical exhausting. But I was certain they could feel emotional exhaustion, though I suspected their threshold was much higher than a human's. It appeared that Carlisle had reached his threshold.

As if on cue, he spoke.

"Bella, I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. You've shown immeasurable strength at every step of the way, and I'm truly in awe of your resilience. I'm sorry you've had to endure so much."

I wished to respond, but couldn't find any words.

"The blood test will give us a baseline of your hCG levels. We'll measure them every day thereafter and that will help us determine whether or not the… fetus… is still growing or whether it's stopped development altogether. If it's stopped developing it's likely that you'll begin to miscarry within the week. We can perform a procedure to speed up the natural miscarriage process which will significantly reduce the chance of infection. Which, considering your health is a wise option."

"Carlisle." Edward's voice was icy but controlled. "Explain to her what her other options are," he urged, his face severe.

"Of course," Carlisle nodded and then trained his eyes on me "you may also consider a termination, Bella. Regardless of the outcome, you may already know that you don't wish to continue with this pregnancy and in that case, we can perform the procedure to terminate the pregnancy as early as today. The choice is yours and you have my unconditional support no matter which route you choose."

I tried to listen and process Carlisle's words. I tried to understand what he was inferring, but it was too much. My brain was on sensory overload and I felt dizzier than before, every object in the room whirring past me as I struggled to maintain my focus.

I felt my stomach tighten into knots, the queasiness creeping up on me as I tried desperately to suppress it. My hand flew to cover my mouth and in an instant, Edward was at my side, a basin situated before me.

But I couldn't vomit. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move.

The only thing I could do was surrender to the darkness that was overtaking me. My body was so worn and so tired and my brain was refusing to process its most recent revelation.

And so I surrendered to the darkness realizing, before it overtook me, that it was the only mercy I'd been given for as long as I could remember.

* * *

 **A/N:** Forgive me! This has been on my mind for a very, very long time. I haven't forgotten, I haven't pushed this story to the backburner and I really tried my hardest to have this chapter out sooner but... it's a hard one. So many of you expressed that you don't want her to be pregnant, and I understand that, but I also have to remain true to the story and the characters. They have their own stories and their own paths and no matter how I tried to reconfigure this story to be appealing to the majority, it wasn't sitting right.

I had to let this play out.

Of course, we don't really know that she's going to maintain the pregnancy - but this is an important part of Bella's journey and is the catalyst for so much that is to come. This is really a turning point and we're going to see things pick up a bit more in intensity after this chapter.

Please let me know what you think? I've fought with myself over this chapter for a week now!

You're all lovely and amazing and I hope you have the loveliest 2017 ahead of you. Stick with me, I promise you won't be disappointed. Don't abandon Bella at this stage in her journey!

xx

-missmarlee


	19. Choices

Chapter 19 – Choices

* * *

 **BPOV**

"Edward, you're being melodramatic. Let me talk to her! What do you think I'm going to say?"

"Rose, this isn't the time for another one of your crusades. She needs to rest and you being here will only complicate the situation further." Edward's voice was rushed and his tone was low, but I could tell, even though my eyes were still closed, that he was in the same room as me.

My eyes remained closed as I waited for their conversation to continue – it was a rare opportunity to spy on vampires and I wasn't about to pass it up.

"Hello, Bella." Carlisle's soft voice filled the room and I knew that he'd figured it out.

"Hi," I whispered.

I felt a cool hand wrap around mine and I opened my eyes. Edward was sitting next to my bedside, his face alight with a wide smile as his jet black eyes met my own in anxious trepidation.

"How are you feeling?" he asked gently. I considered the question for a moment.

How was I feeling?

More importantly: how did I end up here?

I surveyed the room around me, and immediately recognized it as a Forks Hospital. I was lying in an astonishingly uncomfortable hospital bed with the scratchy, blue and white sheets pulled up to just beneath my armpits. In my left hand there was an IV line leading to bag of fluids and on my right arm was a blood pressure cuff.

I shifted uncomfortably on the bed, realizing that I must have, at some point, passed out.

"What happened?" I asked, staring into the three faces that were present in the room. Carlisle was reading a monitor in the corner of the room, jotting down notes as he read it. Edward was next to me, grasping my hand and stroking it lovingly and Rosalie was pressed against the wall opposite me, her arms folded across her chest and her face set in hardness and determination.

"You collapsed, love. I think… we think it was all just too much for you to process, coupled with mild dehydration and low blood glucose levels," Edward explained, his eyes fixated on mine as he spoke.

"Oh…"

"You're quite alright now, Bella. We've topped you up with fluids and we moved you in here immediately after you collapsed. It's only been a few hours. It's the middle of the night right now and the hospital is very quiet. The only people that know you're here, aside from our family, is Alexa from the hospital administration, and I trust that she understands how important it is to preserve your anonymity," Carlisle explained from across the room. He spoke but barely looked up from the file folder he was making notes in.

"I read her mind and I get the impression she's a very honest, hardworking and trustworthy person in general. It helps that she's incredibly taken by Carlisle, too," Edward smiled in Carlisle's direction, but it appeared that Carlisle had barely paid him any attention. A sudden look of annoyance crossed Edward's face, though it was only present for a brief moment before he managed to conceal it once again.

"Charlie… does he know I'm here?"

"No. We wouldn't share this information with him unless you wanted us to."

I nodded, grateful that they'd considered my preferences in the matter.

"Rosalie…" I started, my voice still straining against the harsh dryness of the room and the lingering damage to my vocal cords.

She stood up straighter, her eyes finding mine as she nodded in acknowledgment.

"What did you want to tell me?"

She remained quiet and her eyes found Edward's for a moment before returning to me.

"I don't care what orders he's given you. I want to know what you came here to tell me. I assume that's why you're here, right? And I assume that's why you and Edward were arguing right before I woke up?"

Rosalie smirked and anger flashed across Edward's face, his eyes set on her with a look of intensity that made my hair stand on end.

"Edward!"

The sternness in my voice broke his focus and he turned to face me, eyes burning with animosity.

"I want to speak to Rosalie. In private," I asserted, pushing myself a bit more upright in the bed in an effort to appear less frail and weak.

"Bella," he warned, his voice filled with frustration.

"No. I don't care what you're about to say. I want to speak with Rosalie and I want to speak to her privately." I glanced at him, noting the shock and awe painted across the sharp angles of his face.

He hesitated for a moment and then turned to Carlisle, who appeared to nod, although it was such a slight gesture that I might have been mistaken. Edward stood, grabbed my hand and placed a soft kiss against my knuckles, smiling sweetly at me before accompanying Carlisle out of the room.

"Impressive," Rosalie said, pushing off the wall next to the door as she then approached my bedside.

"Impressive?"

"Yes. Edward is a stubborn mule. He rarely budges and if he does it's after months – even years – of persistence."

"Oh."

"He loves you. And he respects you. That's why he listens," she explained, taking the seat next to my bedside.

Rosalie sat next to me in silence for a few minutes. It was odd and somewhat unnerving. The rest of the Cullen's attempted to act more 'human' around me, moving occasionally, making breathing movements, and altogether behaving more human-like than they likely would around each other.

But Rosalie was different. She sat in the chair, completely still, eyes trained on the wall ahead of her as she appeared to be thinking with such intensity it left me unnerved.

"Rose?" I whispered after a few more minutes had passed. The silence was becoming unbearable.

She turned to face me, her eyes heavy with a complicated array of emotions.

"I'm sorry," she said lightly, her eyes glistening in the fluorescents of the hospital room.

"You haven't done anything to be sorry for," I assured her, fiddling with the blankets that were draped across my lap.

"I'm sorry for what happened to you," she clarified, her eyes catching something in the distance that occupied her focus.

"Oh," was all I could manage in response.

"You're pregnant," she said, not a question but a statement of fact, her voice lifeless and hollow as she spoke.

I prickled against the weight of those words, my breath catching in my throat and my eyes stinging with a fresh batch of tears. These reactions were involuntary, and I was in agony being at their mercy. Still, she made no attempts to spare me any pain. She was forthright and blunt, two things that, despite the harshness of her words, I could appreciate in this moment.

"I'm sorry you're in this position, Bella. I'm sorry you're faced with these horrendously impossible decisions that nobody should ever have to make. It's unfair." She avoided my eyes and focused instead on the current state of her nails, surveying each finger with waning interest.

"I…" I tried to find words. Rosalie, in all her intensity, made sharing these things easy, or easier, at least. She was straightforward, honest, and factual. She didn't muddle the details or dwell on things that weren't worth dwelling on.

She made it easy.

And I was grateful.

"I don't know what to do…" I whispered, afraid to meet her eyes though I could feel now that she was looking directly at me.

"What do you _want_ to do?"

"I don't know…"

"Yes, you do."

"I… haven't thought about it," I countered, my eyes fixating with more concentration on the fabric that I was pulling between my fingers.

"Then let's think about it." She leaned forward in the chair as she pulled it closer to my bedside. "When you think of the options – about continuing the pregnancy or about ending it as soon as possible – what do you feel?"

I was stunned. My stomach twisted into tight knots, my heart racing and my head spinning.

"Can… can he hear us?"

"Who, Edward?"

I nodded.

"Yes. He's in Carlisle's office two floors below. He can hear us."

I thought for a moment, about why I didn't want to have this conversation with Edward listening in. My hesitation made me uncomfortable, uneasy.

"It's ok, Bella. If you don't want him to hear, I mean. It's ok to want privacy and to want to sort things through without him pulling it apart. You're entitled to privacy," Rosalie's voice was filled with a sharp edge, and I knew that she was conveying many unspoken frustrations to Edward through her thoughts.

"Please…" I whispered, "please, don't listen, Edward."

We waited for a moment and then she looked at me, her eyes alight with glee.

"He's gone," she smirked, "he listens to you. Which is nothing short of miraculous because he doesn't listen to anybody. Well, he listens to Carlisle and Alice _sometimes_ , but they're the exceptions."

"He listens to me…"

"Yes. As he should. Edward's beginning to realize that denying you autonomy is part of his refusal to acknowledge you as his equal. And you _are_ his equal, Bella."

"It hardly feels that way."

"You have a very warped sense of self-worth," Rosalie said harshly "but I understand that feeling…"

"You do? You?" I was incredulous. There was absolutely no way I could believe that Rosalie, the epitome of perfection and beauty, struggled with her self-worth.

"Yes. But we're not here to talk about me, Bella. We're here to talk about _you_."

"Ok…"

"How would you feel if you were to continue with the pregnancy?" She was cutting straight to the point and it was a very odd, unnerving way to approach the conversation.

"I don't know."

"Try, Bella. How would you feel? Say the first thing that comes to mind."

Before I could properly process anything, the words were spilling unwillingly from my mouth.

"Terrified."

I looked up and my eyes met Rosalie's, and hers were soft and permissive, filled with a deep, knowing look.

"Ok," she continued, a foreign gentleness in her voice "terrified of what?" she pressed.

"Of being tied to him forever." I didn't understand my lowered inhibitions. I couldn't figure out what catalyst Rosalie had sparked in me that was leading me to this level of openness. But I was here, all the same, spilling things from myself that I didn't even know existed inside of me.

"And if we kill him, are you still terrified of being tied to him?"

"Yes. If… it… if it looks like him, because then I'll have a daily reminder of him… and it'll mean yet another choice taken away from me… I couldn't. And I'm afraid of the space…"

"The space?"

"I'm afraid either choice will put space between us – between Edward and me."

"Edward supports you, no matter what. And that is complete honesty. It doesn't matter how this ends, Edward only wants to support you and keep you safe."

I could feel a fresh wave of tears welling in my eyes, and I wished they would disappear.

"And if you chose to end it – to end the pregnancy… how would you feel?"

"Relieved," I breathed out. I was shocked, pressing against the words I'd just spoken, trying to find their edges, where they began and where I ended, hoping they weren't part of me. But they were. They were mine. These were _my_ feelings.

I was afraid of the emotions that lived inside of me, and the form they were taking as they manifested in the world outside of me.

"What do you think?" I asked, turning to face Rosalie again. She looked taken aback by the question, but she composed herself and sat back, the leather of the chair groaning in protest as she did.

"I think that the choice is yours and that it's a difficult – not to mention unfair – decision that you have to make. But I think you have to make it, and you have to make it soon."

"But if it were you?"

She looked taken aback again.

"If it were me…" she paused, her face morphine into a series of hard lines "I can't answer that because it _isn't_ me. I didn't survive it… not as a human, at least."

"I'm sorry." I knew her pain.

"I think that you have so much ahead of you, and you've been given so few choices since Edward left. None of this was of your choosing, but you have a choice now. Do what you feel is best for you, your body, your life, your future. I know it feels strange to think about a future in the midst of so much chaos, but you have a future Bella. That much I'm certain of."

Rosalie's words occupied so much space in my head, and I combed through it all: each intonation, each gentle suggestion, each harshly spoken phrase. In so little time, she had given me so much to think about.

"Why didn't Edward want you to talk to me?"

"Because he's worried that I'll try to sway you one way or another. Or change your mind. And he doesn't trust that I can be _nice_ ," she smiled at the thought before her face became serious again, "and originally I _did_ want to talk to you with the intention of telling you to get rid of it, because I figured I knew what was best for you. But, I don't. Nobody does. Only you know what's best for you and only you can make this decision. Therefore, whatever decision you make, will be the right one."

Rosalie stood from the chair, turned on her heel and headed toward the door.

"Rose…" I called after her, and she turned her head a fraction, just enough so that I could see her strained features in her profile.

"Does it get better?"

She paused, turning then to face me.

"Yes. It takes time, but it does get better, though it's never really gone. Not forever. Not completely. But you learn to live with it."

Her words made my stomach queasy, but I appreciated her honesty all the same.

"I'll send Carlisle back in." And with that, she was gone.

* * *

"How are you feeling, Bella?" Carlisle's smooth voice filled the room, wrapping me up in comfort and safety.

"I'm ok."

"I'd like to take your vitals, and take some blood if that's alright?"

"The blood… it's to check if the levels have changed at all?"

"That's correct. We'll measure the levels against the average levels we would expect to see in someone at this particular gestation. If they're lower, it supports the theory that the fetus is no longer developing. We'll continue to measure for the next few days to track whether or not the decline continues."

"Carlisle…" my voice was shaking, and I was trying to pluck up the courage to ask the question that was formulating in my mind.

"Yes?" He stilled, his whole body facing toward me, showing me I had his full attention.

"The procedure… the one that ends it?"

"Yes," he nodded, urging me to continue.

"Does it hurt?"

Carlisle's eyes softened and his body seemed to relax, so minutely that the gesture was almost undetectable.

"I don't believe so. I've performed it several times over the course of my career – and mostly I think it's emotionally challenging for some people. You would be sedated, unconscious. The procedure itself doesn't take very long. There is typically some pain and cramping upon waking, but that's easily controlled with pain medication."

"Have you ever done it… on someone… in my circumstance?"

"Yes. Twice." His eyes were overwhelmed with a sadness that made me feel like I'd been kicked in the stomach, the wind knocked out of me, struggling to catch my breath again.

"What was that like?"

"It was very difficult. Very emotional, but I believe that both times it was the right decision."

"What made you think that?"

"Because there was a noticeable amount of relief that both patients experienced once the procedure had was over. They felt a certain level of sureness in their choice, despite the inherent difficulties."

"Thank you." I smiled at him, though it wasn't a real smile, but one that a person might force to show their pleasure. It didn't come from a place of happiness, but rather from a place of acknowledgment and gratitude.

"Of course." And just like that, the apparent sadness that was swirling around in his tawny eyes was suddenly gone. He re-erected the walls that he built to keep his professionalism and decorum intact around patients. I sighed, not bothering to conceal my disappointment.

"Are you ok with me taking your blood now?"

I nodded. However unpleasant it would be I recognized it as necessary.

Carlisle stood at my bedside, preparing the tools he would need on a small blue pad that was sitting on the empty space next to me on the bed.

"Where's Edward?"

"He's nearby. He wanted to respect your wishes."

"Can you tell him to come back?" Carlisle looked up at me, a smile on his face. He reached a hand into the pocket of his slacks and handed me a silver phone.

"Here. His number is programmed into the phone."

I scrolled through the contacts and found Edward's name, my heart fluttering at the sight of it.

"Hello?" Edward's voice rang through the speaker of the phone and my heart tensed and released at the sound. I felt my shoulders relax and my body unclench itself as though it could finally breathe again.

"Edward," I breathed into the phone, feeling winded again.

"Bella," he replied, his own voice morphing into something otherworldly as he spoke.

"Come back?" I questioned, nervous that he would be upset or hurt that I'd asked him to leave in the first place.

"I'll be there shortly," he agreed and then the line went dead.

Carlisle smiled at me as I returned his phone to him.

"We're all set. Would you like to wait until Edward arrives?"

The question intrigued me. I had figured it would be best to avoid exposing him to my blood whenever possible – that unnecessarily tempting him would be cruel. But I wanted to wait for him because he was my anchor, the rope that tethered me to this earth and this life.

"Isn't it hard for him?"

"To be around your blood?" Carlisle clarified.

"Yes."

"I would imagine so. But I don't think his temptation is the same as it once was, Bella. Edward has tasted your blood and although I don't believe that has quelled the thirst in any way, I do believe it's led him to understand what it would feel like to drain the life out of you – and that, for Edward, is a more horrifying reality than anything else."

My heart was thundering in my chest now, thinking back to the moment when James had bitten me and when Edward had freed me from the burning that was coursing through my veins. He selflessly tormented himself to relieve me from my suffering.

"Bella, why are you crying?"

I looked up and was greeted by Edward, his hair slightly disheveled and windblown. A vision of perfection.

I thought about him, our love, his sacrifices, the pain he'd put me through, our bond – all of it.

"I love you," I murmured, and in seconds I was wrapped in his arms.

No decisions would be made tonight. I needed to nourish myself with food and then rest. It was impossible to compile the information I'd gathered in the past few hours and make a decision that was even remotely logical.

As if he were reading my thoughts – or more likely hearing the rumblings of my stomach, Edward pulled a small, black lunch bag onto the bed next to us.

"Esme made you something to eat," he smiled.

"You _really_ do need to eat, Bella." Carlisle sounded severe, as though the recommendation was more a warning than anything else. I shuddered as I thought back to the NG tube that I'd been fed from several times over the past week – I wanted to avoid that experience, however possible.

Edward pulled a small, silver thermos from the bag and produced a spoon seconds later.

"Esme said it was chicken noodle soup," he explained, pulling the top off the thermos, unleashing the tantalizing smell into the room.

"Mmmm," I smiled, the smell pulling me back into my childhood when Renee would prepare chicken noodle soup whenever I was sick. My heart warmed at the thought and the image of my mother that my brain had conjured brought me immense joy, lifting me momentarily from the harshness of my circumstances.

I opened my eyes and realized that both Edward and Carlisle were staring at me, curiosity and fascination evident in their faces.

"What?"

"It's fascinating to watch you experience joy. It's delightful." Edward pressed the back of his cold hand to my cheek, lovingly tracing the length of my jaw before dropping the spoon into the thermos.

"When you're done eating, Bella, I'd like to take a blood sample, if that's alright?" A feeling of guilt crept up inside of me when I realized how many times Carlisle had attempted this task in the past hour. I wasn't making it easy for him to do his job.

"You can do it right now," I suggested, pushing my arm toward him as I rolled up the sleeve of the hospital gown. He smiled and nodded, moving to my side with a tray of instruments in his hands.

It was over in seconds – brief and painless and hardly noticeable. I felt Edward's cool hand come to rest against my cheek, his other hand stroking through my hair in a smooth, rhythmic motion. He chuckled lightly, piquing my curiosity.

"What is it?" I arched an eyebrow to emphasize my inquisitiveness.

"Do you remember when a single drop of blood would have caused you to collapse?" A small smile played on his lips, and I felt my heart thundering loudly in my chest.

"Yes," I returned the smile, enjoying, for the moment, his hands on my body and the comfort they brought me.

"You no longer experience the same aversion to it, do you?" The smile was fading from his face and his eyes were darkening as his expression morphed into something much more serious.

"No," I replied automatically, thoughtlessly.

"Why?" His eyes were gentle, but I could see that his body language had transformed – the ease and playfulness from seconds ago had faded and in it's wake was Edward's raw anguish and brooding.

I wanted so badly for this moment to return to what it had been, for the light to return to his eyes. But I didn't have the energy to sway the conversation back to what it had been only seconds before.

"Exposure, I guess."

"Exposure?" He repeated the word back to me, confused.

"It's not like I had anyone to go to that could help me deal with whatever was happening to me. So I had to learn to get over my aversion to blood. For survival."

I regretted the words the moment I spoke them. I watched as Edward's face contorted, his pain as plain on his face as could be. The regret was bubbling to the surface, and the torment was lapping at his freshly torn wounds.

And I did that.

I hadn't meant to hurt him, but my defenses were lowered because I was tired and the day had been so overwhelming – I didn't have the energy to censor myself.

"I see," was all he could choke out in the midst of his rage. And I knew it was rage he was feeling because his hands were removed from my body and he'd placed more space between us as he tried to focus on controlling his anger.

"Edward." I heard Carlisle call his name from across the room, his voice low and controlled as he tried to reign Edward back in.

"I'm fine," he growled, his voice tight with control.

"Why don't you take a few minutes outside while I check Bella's vitals?"

Edward stood, wordlessly, and walked out of the room. I expected him to put up a fight, but he didn't. He complied, and I realized it was for the best.

"May I take your vitals?" Carlisle asked, pulling his stethoscope from around his neck as he came to stand next to me.

I nodded, sitting still as Carlisle pressed the diaphragm of the stethoscope against the left side of my chest.

"Is he ok?" I whispered, my anxiety mounting inside of me.

"He's ok, Bella. A bit overwhelmed, but nothing unmanageable." Carlisle then pressed two fingers against my wrist, his eyes fixated on his wrist watch as counted my pulse.

"I didn't mean to upset him… that's the last thing I would ever want."

"You shouldn't feel guilty for being honest. Edward asked you a question and you gave him a truthful answer – that was the correct thing to do. It's what Edward wants from you. There is nothing about your experience that you should conceal from us out of fear of hurting or angering us. And besides, it isn't you he's angry with," Carlisle explained, his index and middle finger palpating all across my neck as he spoke.

"He's angry with himself?"

"Yes. You're his mate, Bella. His instinct to protect you far surpasses anything a human could feel. It's woven into the very fabric of his being," Carlisle paused then, resting a hand on my shoulder.

"Would you mind if I had a more thorough look at your abdomen, to see how your ribs are healing?"

I nodded, laying back on the bed.

"Can you lift your gown, Bella?"

I nodded again, pulling at the hem of the gown as Carlisle pulled the blankets up over my legs, keeping me as concealed as possible without compromising his ability to examine me.

I glanced down at my abdomen, and my stomach twisted into knots.

Its appearance was ghastly – painted black and blue with deep hues of yellow scattered across the thinly stretched skin. The bruises were large, spilling from one pool of blackness into the next leaving very few patches of skin unmarked.

But more than that, staring down at my abdomen reminded me why I was here.

I was pregnant.

I was carrying the child of the person that had hurt me in inexplicable ways.

The person that had been the cause for the deeply disturbing state of my body.

The person that had very nearly killed me with his bare hands.

That same person was the donor of half the genetic information that the thing inside of me was moulding into arms, legs, a brain, a heart.

The thought made me feel sick.

It tore through me like a wildfire, catching each of my limbs in its fiery grip, dragging me into the heart of the flame where I would burn for all of eternity, forever held in place by this thing that would forever connect us.

I cried out, an agonizing moan ripping through my body as I lurched over the side of the bed, violently vomiting, choking against the bile as it burned in my throat.

I tried to catch a breath, I tried to right myself, I tried to sit back upright, to remain present in the moment, but in seconds my body was being transported back to places that I wished it had never known to begin with.

And I could feel Paul's hands on my body:

Bruising.

Violating.

Crushing.

I could feel the weight of his body against mine, pressing me into the gravel of the Cullen's driveway, fresh blood dripping down my back as the stones pierced my skin.

His lips against my neck, my jaw, my lips.

His hands tearing at my clothes as his fiery hands greedily groped at my exposed flesh, marking it as his own.

As he pulled me further and further away from Edward and all memories of him.

As he stole me away from myself, so brutally and violently I was sure I'd never find my way back to myself ever again.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"What can I do, man?" Jasper's hand was pressing against my shoulder as he channeled everything he had inside of himself to try and counter the rage that was steadily building inside of me.

"Find him," I growled out, on the brink of losing complete control of myself. I hadn't expected to find him here, but he was waiting just outside of the hospital, apparently, Alice had anticipated my breakdown and sent him for damage control. Truthfully, I was grateful he was here. Were it not for his presence and the effectiveness of his gift, I probably would have torn through half of the Quileute lands trying to track down Paul. I was past the point of rational thought.

"The desire to protect our mates is consuming. But remember that protecting Bella isn't just about killing him, we have to find him, figure out who he's working with and we have to prioritize her healing."

"I know," I hissed, struggling to keep myself together as my mind was clouded by thoughts of revenge – thoughts of tearing Paul to pieces, limb by limb.

My mind was filled with the darkest thoughts it had ever known as Jasper struggled to pull me from its depths.

"Why did you come?" I turned to face him, his eyes filled with a gentle sadness.

"Alice said you would need me. She couldn't see much, but she knew you would need me," he explained, his hands finding my shoulders again as his eyes fixed on mine.

The waves of anguish that were crashing through me were lightening, becoming more tolerable. I was overwhelmed by the pendulum swing of sadness and shame bursting inside of me.

"Don't," Jasper commanded, "your shame is useless. You're allowed to grieve, Edward. You're allowed to feel pain. There is no shame in that."

I could feel myself cracking in half.

I searched Jasper's mind, uncovering that he knew nothing about Bella's pregnancy. They had their suspicions, but they hadn't received confirmation yet. Rosalie had come to the hospital right and accidentally came upon our conversation. But she hadn't shared with anyone else, apparently. Jasper had no clue.

Before I could weigh the wisdom of my choice, I was speaking, sharing Bella's circumstances without her consent.

"She's pregnant," the words tore through me, and the force of them brought me to my knees. Jasper was silent, his thoughts cold and spiraling down in a similar fashion to my own.

We were wordless, motionless, unable to speak because our minds had not yet processed the information.

But there was no time.

I heard screaming.

Bella.

Screaming my name – screaming for my help.

* * *

Carlisle's arms were wrapped around Bella's as she struggled to break free from his grasp, clawing at her face, her arms – anything she could make contact with.

Her piercing screams were echoing in the room, bouncing off the walls and traveling at hyper speed around the small room. Her eyes were red, puffy and tears were flowing down her face which was framed by her furrowed brows and, thick brown hair.

She looked feral and completely unhinged, all reason apparently having left her as she grappled with whatever memory and trigger it was that was dominating her consciousness.

She had calmed some since Jasper and I had entered the room, no doubt the work of Jasper's gift, but she was still frantic in Carlisle's arms, terror ruling all of her in this moment.

"Bella!" I called her name, rushing to her side as I tried to bring her back from the brink.

"Edward, please. Please! Please! Help me, help me!" She was screaming, haunting and devastating. Her words were filled with an inexplicable terror as she clawed at whatever was around her, responding to benign things her body now perceived as being threatening.

"You're safe, Bella. You're in Forks Hospital with Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper," I explained, trying to capture her attention long enough for her to still.

It was working, her body stilling and easing with my words.

"We're here. And no one will hurt you, ok? We won't allow it."

"Edward, please," she moaned, her body slouching forward as she continued to struggle against Carlisle who was effortlessly restraining her.

"Bella, listen. Listen to me," I caught her face in my hands, gently. She calmed again, her body growing rigid as she searched my face with distant, desperate eyes.

"Edward?" she questioned, trying to capture my face in her vision, trying to conceive of who I was and whether or not I would bring her harm.

"Yes. Yes. It's me. I'm here," her body stilled, even more, her arms falling limply at her sides as she started to surrender to Carlisle's efforts.

The glassy haze of her eyes was fading as she was beginning to return to herself again. Her frantic eyes darted around the room as she contemplated her surroundings, trying to silently convince herself that what was before her was real, and what she had just experienced was not.

The smell of her blood was fresh in the air a result of the deep scratch she'd torn into her left arm. Carlisle's shirt was wet with her blood. I looked at him, searching for an explanation.

 _She panicked. She was trying to fight back and in the process, she scratched herself quite deeply across her forearm. I had to restrain her, there was no other choice._

I nodded, not assigning any blame to him whatsoever. He did what was best for Bella in a moment when I could not.

"Edward?" her hoarse voice called out to me, painfully raw and strained.

"Yes, love."

"I saw him," she whispered.

"I know."

"Like he was here. Like it was happening all over again."

"I'm sorry. He wasn't here, he hasn't been here," I whispered, placing a gentle kiss on the crown of her head. She nodded, agreeing. She was aware now of what was real and what was not.

"Bella, your arm is bleeding, may I?" Carlisle gestured toward her left forearm that had been torn open by her own fingernails. It was deep enough to draw blood, but not deep enough to require stitches or to leave a scar. I could tell as much just by looking at it.

He held her arm in his hand and looked at it carefully.

"It's a deep scratch, but I'm confident it will heal on its own without much interference from us. If it's ok with you, I'll clean that area and dress it in some gauze?"

She nodded, a deep crimson colour painting across her cheeks.

"It's ok," he assured her, "you did very well. You were able to pull yourself back into the present surprisingly quickly."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her head bowing in shame.

"Don't apologize." It was Jasper that spoke now and Bella's eyes darted in his direction, her expression brightening when she saw him in the corner of the room.

"Jasper," she smiled.

"I'm impressed that you were able to pull yourself from that at all. That was quite the chaotic set of emotions you were mixed up in."

"Sor –" but she stopped herself before she could finish, "thank you," she corrected, smiling at him.

"Anytime, little lady."

Moments later Bella and I were alone, Carlisle and Jasper leaving just the two of us in the room.

"Are you ok?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly, her eyelids heavy with the imminence of her sleep.

"Can I hold you in my arms?"

"Please," she breathed.

I climbed in next to her, pulling her body gently against my own before wrapping her in the cotton sheets of the bed.

"Sleep now, love. I'll be here when you wake."

And with that, her heavy eyes shut and she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

She'd been restless the entire night, stirring constantly, crying out, thrashing. Her nightmares were wild and intense, overthrowing her in a moment's notice and then leaving her completely, only to return minutes later. I knew her sleep hadn't been restful, even with me lying next to her. I'd been by her side the entire night, whispering softly to her whenever the nightmares crept back up. It seemed to help, though my effect was admittedly minor.

It was an extraordinarily painful thing to witness. Her nightmares were so vivid, and she often cried out in her sleep, screaming my name – or screaming his. Tonight, as she tossed in the bed, she begged for his mercy – begged him to spare her.

Hearing her anguish was tearing through me violently, unleashing the darkest parts of me mind, pulling me from the grips of sanity before slamming me back down again.

I knew that when this was over – when Bella had made her choice and we'd returned home – the effort to find him would have to intensify. There was no other choice. The ominous threat he posed was eroding away at her, leaving her more fractured than she already was. She experienced no peace, as she so believed him to be capable of harming the people she loved. That tormented her above all else.

Daybreak came quickly, as the night had been short. Bella had only been asleep for five hours before dawn hit the skyline, and most of that she'd spent navigating the horror of her nightmares. I knew today would be painful, and I knew she was at the threshold of all that she could bear.

I pulled my phone from my pocket, searching for Alice's name in the phonebook.

"Edward," she breathed into the phone, relief ringing in her voice.

"How are things?"

"The same," she replied, frustrated. "How's Bella?"

"Did Jasper tell you?" I assumed he would have by now.

"Yes… I'm sorry." The anguish in her voice was palpable.

"Alice… she needs you," I explained "she's lost. She's tired. You've been distant and I understand why. It's been crisis management since we came back into her life, but she needs you now."

Of course I knew Alice's reasons for remaining distant – I could read her mind. But her reasoning wasn't for me to share. Alice's guilt was almost as consuming as mine. She blamed herself for lacking vision, for not seeing what was happening to Bella before it was already too late. She was angry with herself for allowing me to tear Bella out of our lives. The guilt from all of it was more than she could tolerate. She didn't know what to say to Bella, or how to mend what she'd broken – the trust that she'd destroyed.

There was silence on the other line for a few seconds, but I knew Alice was still there.

"I'm on my way," she choked out, her words heavy with her grief.

Relief washed over me.

Alice would know what to say. She would know what to do.

She always did.

* * *

"That stuff looks absolutely vile!" Alice looked disgusted, her face scrunched up into a look of horror as Bella took another small spoonful of oatmeal.

"You chose it," Bella laughed, her tone accusatory. Alice was sitting on the end of the bed, her tiny body a pile of oddly twisted limbs as she sat across from Bella, smiling widely as she watched her eat.

"I read a book about healthy human foods that suggested oatmeal was a good breakfast food. Apparently, it has a lot of fibre and is good for you. Plus, it's mushy and I figured that might make it easier to keep down."

"Well, for what it's worth, it tastes perfectly fine," she smiled, her eyes bright as she spoke.

"Sure, sure," Alice waved her hand, dismissing her claim.

Bella chuckled softly.

"Bella?" Her voice grew serious as her eyes narrowed and her brows furrowed.

"Yeah?" A look of sadness was tugging on the soft features of her delicate face.

"Are you ok?" Alice whispered the words, loud enough so that Bella could here, but soft enough that the gentleness in her voice was amplified.

Bella stilled, gently placing the spoon back in the bowl as she looked into Alice's face, her eyes transforming as the sadness brimmed in them.

"I don't think so," she said softly, her eyes glued to my sister's.

Alice nodded, her round, pixie face overburdened by the sadness that was transforming her features into something unrecognizable.

"Can I hold you, Bella?" She fidgeted uncomfortably on the end of the bed, waiting for Bella's reply.

Bella nodded, fresh tears falling from her tired eyes.

Alice moved with unparalleled grace to Bella's side, pulling her into her arms as the two embraced one another, clutching onto each other as though their embrace was capable of defying gravity.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her small hand smoothing across Bella's hair.

"It's ok," Bella choked out, struggling to push past her tears.

"It's not. It's really not. I'm so sorry I left. I'm so sorry I wasn't here." Alice gasped, holding on to her best friend a bit tighter than she probably should have, but Bella seemed relieved at the contact rather than bothered by it.

"I don't know what to do…" Bella wept, clinging to her as though she were a lifeline.

"That's ok. We'll figure it out. You're not alone anymore. You don't have to make these decisions alone anymore." Bella's body untensed as her limbs collapsed into Alice's capable arms.

They embraced a while longer, Bella sobbing as Alice held her in place, an unwavering beacon of support.

I watched, entranced by their love and their connection as I sat in the corner of the room, quietly observing the beauty of their reconnection. So enthralled in it I was that I almost missed the thoughts that were slowly growing louder and louder and louder as they approached Bella's room.

 _Room 342…. Room 342. Where the hell is it?_

The thoughts remained focused on room 342: Bella's room. My mind was immediately on high alert. I stood, inconspicuously from my chair, moving to stand next to the door, acting as a guard.

I inhaled deeply, taking the scent of the approaching person into my nostrils, trying to asses who – or what – it was.

Human.

Whoever it was, they were human, and they were unfamiliar. I eased slightly, figuring that perhaps it was an orderly or a member of the hospital staff. Though there were strict orders for cleaning staff to steer clear of this room, it was possible that some inept staff member had failed to communicate our simple orders.

And then a knock came and my body flew into a defensive crouch and in seconds Alice was at my side, her body mirroring my own.

"Edward?" Bella, frightened, called out to me and I rushed to her side, pressing her against me in a protective gesture.

"It's ok. They're human – whoever they are. It's probably nothing, Bella. Alice and I are just being cautious."

As if on cue, Alice approached the door, opening it to reveal a thin, pale boy – no older than 19, wearing a green baseball cap with a single red rose stitched onto the front the, moniker "Ed's flowers", stitched across the front in white sitting just beneath the rose.

He looked petrified at the sight of Alice and I, hands shaking and heart thundering loudly in his chest.

"Is… is this… room 342?" He managed to choke out, his eyes wide and afraid.

"Yes," Bella said gently, her eyes soft as she took in his nervous appearance.

"These are for…" he glanced down at the elegant white vase in his hands, pushing aside the 12 dozen roses sitting inside to reveal a small, white card "these are for… Bella?"

Alice stepped forward, pulling the vase from his hands, twirling around as she shut the door in one swift movement, the young boy disappearing from our sight.

Her eyes ghosted over the card as she breathed out a horrified "no…"

I rushed to her side, pulling the card from her hands.

 _To Bella,_

 _Our time together wasn't a complete waste, was it?_

 _I can't wait to be a father._

 _-P_

In seconds I was at the door, ripping it open as I flew down the quiet hallways, following the scent of the delivery boy until it led me to the stairwell, where I found him rushing down the flight of stairs as though he knew he was being followed.

I grabbed onto him from behind, slamming him against the concrete wall, holding him in place as I struggled to control the fury that was burning its way through me.

"Who sent you?" I roared, my hand tightening into a claw as I wound it behind my head, preparing to strike him if he refused to answer.

He was whimpering, crying, begging for mercy.

"I… I don't know!" He blubbered out, his body shaking with his fear.

"WHO?!" I roared, no longer bothering to contain my rage.

"Edward, stop!" Alice was standing behind me, her voice dangerously serious as she commanded me to let him go.

"He knows, Alice."

Alice paused, her body unnaturally still as she surveyed his quivering form.

 _Look at him, Edward. He knows nothing. He was probably sent here by Paul with no knowledge of what was really happening. He can barely defend himself against a rabid cat let alone an entire coven of vampires. He's an unfortunate pawn in Paul's game._

I considered Alice's suggestion, letting the possibility settle into my brain.

She was right. This child had no real knowledge of what was happening – he posed no threat. A quick look into his mind told me all I needed to know.

This was a part-time job that he did on weekends to help pay for college. He received the order early this morning from an unknown number. The money was wired to the company and the instructions for what was to be written on the card were given to him over the phone.

He had no real knowledge.

I dropped him to his feet and stared him down, baring my teeth.

"Leave," I commanded in a low, deadly tone. In seconds he was scrambling, running down the stairs as he tripped over his own feet.

I pressed myself against the hard concrete of the wall behind me, swiping a hand through my hair in frustration.

"Where's Bella?" I asked frantically. Alice looked at me, horror in her eyes.

We rushed up the stairs and back into Bella's room.

She was kneeling on the floor in the middle of the room, the small, white card cradled in her tiny hands, her face drained of all colour and her body swaying gently as though she were in a trance.

She stayed that way for a long while. Alice and I slowly, cautiously, approached her as one would a skittish wild rabbit, ready to run at the slightest provocation.

The silence dragged on for several moments longer as we tried to find something – anything to say. This torment… there were simply no words for it.

Bella's eyes widened as she found my face, her body shaking and her eyes wide and filled with terror.

And when she spoke, the sheer torture in her words brought me to my knees.

"Get this thing out of me – _now_."

* * *

 **A/N:** There were so many intense reactions to last chapter! Thank you! I loved them all. I know this isn't the route some of you wanted to see this story go down, but a lot of this feels outside of my control. The story comes to me in bits and pieces, fitting itself together into one larger picture and sometimes the direction just feels outside of my control.

I love hearing from you! Please keep reviewing. It makes my week to hear from all of you and know that you're still with me, still with Bella and Edward despite this slow burn and the wild ride I'm taking you all on.

Hope your new year is a lovely one. The next update should come rather quickly - my kiddos are heading back to school so I'll have a lot more time to write once I'm not their primary source of entertainment 24/7.

'Til next time!

-mm


	20. Touch

Chapter 20 – Touch

 **BPOV**

I held the paper in my shaking hands, my heart crashing against my ribcage as I struggled to control my breathing.

 _Steady, even breaths, Bella. Keep it together._

I knew that something was wrong the moment I laid eyes on Edward. His face contorted into that of a hunter's – searching for his prey, his protective instincts ruling his every action. He only displayed this side of himself in two instances: while hunting, and when there was a threat to someone he loved.

I pieced two and two together and assumed that he flew out the door in search of the delivery boy, and I knew the situation was truly serious when Alice followed behind him shortly thereafter, leaving me alone, unguarded and unprotected.

 _He's here… he's been here. He knows… he could be here_ _ **right**_ _now._

My body was jumping into overdrive and I contemplated the various possibilities.

Possibility number one: Paul was here – in this building, right now.

That seemed unlikely because I knew it would've popped up on Alice or Edward's radar when the caught the scent of wolf, which they hadn't.

Possibility two: he had been here, or was watching me from afar – far enough away that it wouldn't trip their hypersensitive senses but close enough that he could monitor my every move.

I re-read the words on the paper, my hands shaking violently as I tried to pull myself back from the brink of a complete meltdown.

 _To Bella,_

 _Our time together wasn't a complete waste, was it?_

 _I can't wait to be a father._

 _-P_

I felt my stomach churning, the bile rising in my throat as I struggled to force it back down. There was no time to unravel… if Paul was here, he was planning something and it wouldn't be long before his plans turned into action.

Every step of this journey had been excruciating and debilitating, but this moment surpassed all the rest.

I had three choices: to keep this thing growing inside of me, to wait and see if I was miscarrying, or to end it on my own terms. I was grappling with the options, and the possibilities. I imagined myself struggling to parent a child that I never wanted, that was borne of the most brutal violence I'd ever known. I imagined tying myself to Edward, and beginning this journey together, building a life with this thing living inside me… together.

It was painful, unimaginable, but it remained a possibility.

Until now. Until I realized that this would forever be a marker of Paul and his violence, it would be the way he maintained the ultimate form of control over me. Even if he was destroyed and I no longer had to worry about the physical threat he posed to me, I would still forever be tied to him. He would forever own a part of me, and my choice would be completely taken from me for the rest of my life.

 _I can't wait to be a father…_

I felt nauseated as I re-read the words, recognizing that perhaps this had been one of his goals all along. His hatred was so encompassing and consuming that he wanted to destroy me, bit by bit, piece by piece. Slowly. Painfully. Torturously.

He wanted to fracture my relationship with Edward. He wanted to wedge himself into the middle of it forever, so that no matter how hard we worked to rebuild what had been broken when Edward left, it would never be enough to completely bridge the space between us.

The space would always, and forever, be marked and filled with the literal pieces of himself that he'd left behind.

I collapsed onto the floor, my body giving away underneath me as the weight of this moment became too much to bear. There I sat, my head spinning, my body burning with the reminders of the ways in which he'd already marked me.

And that was the moment that I knew, with absolute certainty, that if I kept this part of him, and allowed it to grow inside of me, I would be completely destroyed. There was no future that could hold us both.

It was one or the other.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"Jacob," I spoke quickly into the phone, aware that every second I spent away from Bella was agonizing for both of us. The anxiety of not having her in my protection was overwhelming, and so I vowed to myself that I would keep this necessary conversation brief.

"What's up?" Jacob's tired voice replied, still heavy and laced with sleep.

"He's been here. Or he has someone involved that's been here," I explained, rushing through the conversation and hoping that this would be enough to mobilize Jacob and his pack of dogs.

"What do you mean?" The sleep was lifting and the haze in his voice was almost completely gone. My words had alerted him exactly as I'd meant them to.

"We're at Forks Hospital with Bella, and he had flowers delivered here with a handwritten note addressed to her," I pressed myself against the wall of the stairwell, acutely aware that the acoustics of this enclosure carried my voice much farther than I wanted them to. I climbed the stairs quickly, finding the door for the 5th floor, abandoning the stairwell altogether in hopes of maintaining the privacy of this conversation.

"Wait – what? Why is Bella in the hospital?" Jacob's voice was laced with concern and I could hear him frantically trying to get himself dressed in the background as he spoke to me.

"It's nothing we need to discuss over the phone. But we need you and the rest of the pack to dive into action immediately. We're not sure if he's been here, if he sent someone else, or if he's still here. We need to scope the entire region immediately."

"I'm on it. We'll take care of it."

"Thank you," I said hesitantly, satisfied with the length of the conversation and anxious to return to Bella.

"You've 'gotta tell me though… why is Bella in the hospital… is she ok?"

I sighed, wishing that Jacob would understand the need for brevity and discretion.

"There was a… complication. She's here, she's perfectly well and we're handling it."

"Hey," Jacob's angry voice carried through the phone and my frustration was mounting with each passing second "you can't just pretend like she doesn't matter to me. You can't shut me out. You're telling me she's in the hospital and that Paul's sending her flowers and shit, but you won't tell me why she's there?"

"It's not for me to divulge, Jacob. I have to do what I can to protect Bella's privacy, even if that means keeping you in the dark."

There was silence on the other line, though I could hear the shuffling sounds of Jacob tearing through his home as he prepared to gather the rest of the pack.

"Can you keep her safe?" he questioned after a few moments had passed.

"Yes," I said, absolutely sure that Bella's safety would be best safeguarded by my presence.

"Is she really ok?" his voice sounded tired, filled with the familiar sounds of pain that had been reverberating through the voices of everyone that cared for Bella in the recent days.

"She will be," I said softly.

"Ok… where do we meet you?"

"You'll meet Emmett, Rosalie, Esme and Alice at the highway line of our family home. They're there now, waiting for all of you. Emmett has received instruction from Jasper regarding the procedure for combing every inch of the surrounding area to figure out if he's been around."

Jacob laughed into the phone.

"We've got it covered – don't worry about that. We can handle this."

"I hope so."

"Take care of her…" Jacob urged, his voice hollow.

"I will," I assured him, ending the call as I made my way back to Bella.

* * *

 **CPOV**

Esme's small hands traced the length of my back, resting finally on my shoulders as she leaned forward and placed delicate kisses against the back of my neck.

I felt my body unravelling, her hands working through each layer of tension and anxiety that had mounted inside of me since we had returned to Forks. Truly, though, my body had been in a state of total disarray since Edward first left us. It was as though a large and significant part of me had been torn away, leaving the rest of me raw and exposed.

Edward had been my companion for nearly a hundred years, and the distance that had spanned between us over the last several months was agonizing – almost as agonizing as knowing the turmoil he was experiencing in separating himself from his mate, his true love.

His efforts to protect Bella were misguided and foolish and it was an action that led me realize that Edward was, truly, still young and inexperienced, relatively speaking. He believed that the ultimate way to express love was to put oneself last, and prioritize the object of affection above all else.

What Edward had failed to account for was the inexplicable connection that had been forged between him and Bella from the moment he'd laid eyes on her. She was his destiny, and he was hers, and there was no force strong enough to keep them apart.

Edward had never experienced mating – he had never known the feeling of finding the companion that was built for you and you for them – uniquely and perfectly matching your soul in the way that only a soulmate truly can. It was foolish, I knew. But there was no changing his mind. It didn't matter how emphatically I tried to relay to Edward the impossibility of severing such a unifying bond, he was insistent.

He believed that the only way to protect Bella was to put as much space between them as physically possible. He moved half way across the world, running from the inevitable. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he was no longer able to abstain from Bella. He would return to her, or he would cease to exist – whichever came sooner.

Through the months I held out hope that his resolve would weaken quickly, and that this torture wouldn't be prolonged past a few months. As the days drew on, I was beginning to realize that I shouldn't have underestimated Edward's resolve.

Had it not been for Alice's unintended vision, I wonder if he would have returned at all – or if it would have been too late when he finally decided to seek Bella out again.

"Carlisle, you look absolutely worn, my love." Esme's soft hands found purchase when she trailed them across my chest, gently pulling open the buttons of my collared shirt. I closed my eyes, reveling in her glory and in the inherent peace I found whilst in her presence.

"I don't know how much more she can take, Esme," I explained, closing my eyes as I allowed her to continue her comforting ministrations. It had been weeks since we'd been able to connect – most of our interactions were brief and revolved around caring for Bella, or previously, around trying to concoct new and unique ways to bring Edward back into our lives.

"I know," she replied sadly "she's been through so much and there's no clear end in sight. We couldn't find anything today. No trace of him whatsoever. He must have someone doing the work of watching Bella for him."

I nodded in agreement, my mind combing through the possibilities and the potential angles he might have taken to maintain awareness of Bella and everything that was happening to her.

"Somebody was in the hospital and overheard us, that's the only possibility. But it doesn't make any sense – Edward would have heard the thoughts of someone that was approaching, and would have caught wind of someone that was intentionally trying to spy to gain information. And if it had been a wolf, we would have caught that scent – it's distinct and unmistakeable."

The silence carried on between us as Esme continued to help me out of my shirt, her hands working across my body as she rubbed soothing circles along the stone-like flesh of my back. Every so often her lips would find my skin and she would kiss me delicately and softly.

"How did it go?"

"The procedure?"

Esme nodded.

"It went as well as can be expected," I sighed, recalling the events of a mere two hours ago – recalling Bella's fragility and her unrelenting strength. The decision that she made – to terminate the pregnancy, was grounded in her desires, in her own regard for herself and her own needs. Above all else, whatever decision she made, I wanted it to be rooted in what she felt was best for her.

"Was it the right choice, Carlisle?" Esme's voice was guarded. She didn't want to appear disapproving of Bella's choice, but she was also hesitant to disregard the difficulty inherent in choosing to terminate. I knew that it would bring back haunting and painful memories for Esme from her own human life where she'd lost a child.

In Esme's eyes, their loss was no different – one was not more valid than the other. A loss is a loss and Esme was grieving for Bella and the position she had been placed in.

"It was the right decision, Esme. She was resolute and certain. I worried at first that it was merely a reaction to the note, the flowers and the possible presence of Paul. But I think that was the direction she was heading in anyway, and Paul's intrusion was a timely reminder of what she wanted for herself."

"How did you manage… performing the procedure yourself?"

I stiffened at Esme's question, terrified of examining my own thoughts for fear of what I might find there. Things had happened so quickly that I'd barely had a moment to contemplate any of this. I'd barely had a second to check in with myself to see where I was at.

Mostly, I imagined, I would find heartbreak and sorrow contained inside of myself. The intimacy of helping Bella through this process in the ways that I had was unparalleled. I'd been close with patients in the past, and always strived to form intimate and close relationships with the humans I was caring for, but Bella was not just a patient. She wasn't just another person that I was trying to provide comfort and reassurance to. She was as good as my own daughter, and helping her through these moments of grief and absolute tragedy was the hardest obstacle I'd come across in decades.

Knowing the turmoil that awaited her when the shock of this all wore off – knowing what she was up against when her body finally healed and she was allowed the space and room to breathe that she needed to truly examine her own feelings about this I wondered if she would be consumed by it. I wondered if she would make it through the other side alive and human.

"I don't know, Esme. I've barely had a moment to contemplate my own feelings, let alone process them. But I imagine that when I finally do, I'll be staring down a lot of grief and anger."

Esme nodded, her eyes brimming with sadness as her hands traveled down the length of my arms and found my hands, which she took in her own and squeezed in a gesture of love and reassurance.

"She'll make it through this. We'll make sure of it."

I believed her when she spoke, her conviction was unmatched.

"And Edward?" I turned to face her, my eyes catching hers as we stared at one another with a rawness and pain that was consuming.

"He'll be ok, Carlisle. Once Paul is gone, we can all work on moving forward. Edward included."

"But his anger Esme… it's overwhelming him. He fights it, but I'm not sure how much longer it can be contained. It's growing a life of it's own."

"For now all we can do is to continue to support him and gently coach him towards self-control and containment. He loves and respects you, and he listens to you. Which is miraculous for Edward."

"He listens to you as well. Your words sometimes affect him the most."

Esme nodded.

"I know, and I've barely had a moment alone with him to check in and see where he's at."

"I doubt you'll get a moment anytime soon. Edward took Bella home tonight. I gather that she wanted some privacy after the events of today – and she felt she wasn't able to get that here. She wasn't very forthcoming… I think she might have been concerned about offending us or hurting our feelings. I assured her that we're not so easily bothered."

"Privacy is a rarity in a house full of vampires," Esme agreed.

Esme's hands ran along my chest again, her delicate fingers tracing small circles as she meandered across the flesh. Her head dipped down, and her lips found my throat.

And here, in her arms, was the most peace I'd felt in very, very long time.

* * *

 **EPOV**

Bella stirred in my arms, her face pulling into tight lines and her body beginning to tremble though her eyes remained closed. She was sleeping. Dreaming.

Probably a nightmare.

She always started this way when the nightmares were happening. Slow, cautious movements as her mind worked to fight it's way through of whatever horror it was grappling with as she slept. And then it would transform into frantic movements, flailing limbs, and blood-curdling screams as she came face to face with her most unrelenting fears.

There was nothing to do when this happen but hold her. Sometimes I would try signing to her, hoping that the soothing lyrics would help quell her mind and pull her back into a state of peace and calm. It rarely worked. The only comfort I could provide was being here when we awoke, my arms wrapped around her as I tried to convince her that she was ok, that I was ok, and that he hadn't hurt her again.

It would be several long minutes before she really believed me, but I would patiently walk her through it until the moment where all the pieces pulled back together into a logical sequence. And even then, she was more alert, more paranoid – more afraid.

It was infuriating. He had her in his grips, his iron clad grips and the most I could do was coax her back into safety every so often.

I imagined the nightmares would be even worse now after the events of the night. We arrived back at Bella's home an hour ago. She'd begged me to take her to her home, claiming she needed privacy and that it was impossible to get in a house filled with vampires.

I obliged, driving her home and resolving to stay with her – assuring her I'd be just outside her window until Charlie was out of her room.

But she'd fallen asleep on the ride home. I'd carried her inside, only to find Charlie sleeping soundly on the couch. When we moved upstairs he woke up, meeting us at the top step, panic written all over his aged features.

"What's going on," he whispered his face heavy with the look of sleep and fatigue.

"It's a long story, Chief Swan. But Bella's fine. She's ok. She wanted to come back home to sleep tonight, and Carlisle gave us the ok as long as I bring her back tomorrow morning so he can keep an eye on her again," I explained, my voice hushed as I pulled Bella tighter against my chest.

Charlie nodded, the look of panic easing somewhat, but still omnipresent on his worn face.

"Tomorrow. You'll explain tomorrow." It wasn't a question, but a demand. One that I, unfortunately, could not agree to. This was Bella's and Bella's alone to share. It wasn't my place to tell Charlie this.

"I'm sure Bella will have more to say tomorrow morning after she's rest some more," I offered, hoping that would be enough to satisfy him for now.

He looked hesitant, but nodded, heading back downstairs toward the couch again.

Bella's room was largely unchanged. I moved her onto the bed, my movements so lithe and slight that she barely stirred when I laid her down and covered her frail body with the heavy blankets from her bed.

I pulled off my sweater and crawled in next to her, and as soon as I did her small body gravitated toward me as she pressed herself against my side, draping her arm across my chest. I waited, anticipating Charlie's return, expecting that he would attempt to kick me out but he never came. I could hear him downstairs, channel surfing for several minutes before he fell back asleep. His thoughts were intense, and he contemplated kicking me out several times, but then he let it be.

He trusted that I wouldn't harm Bella. And he knew what my presence meant to her. And so he allowed me to stay, knowing that things were different now.

Things had changed.

All of the things he'd wanted to protect his little girl from were the very things that had wound up harming her to begin with. And none of those things were anything he could directly find me at fault for – no matter how vehemently I disagreed with that thought, it remained.

And so he left us.

Bella's nightmares started shortly after as a thin sheen of sweat found its way onto her furrowed brow. Her body stiffened against mine and her limbs became rigid. Low murmurs were rumbling out of her and they quickly grew into desperate pleas.

"No," she moaned, her body thrashing against mine. She repeated the plea over and over again and the thrashing grew more and more intense, reaching a degree that left me concerned about whether or not she might break something against the concrete strength of my body.

Her small arm was still draped across my chest, and I watched her arm as he tensed and flexed, her hand finding the fabric of my shirt which she then clenched tightly in her hand.

I was desperate to help her through this. I ran my index finger along the length of her forearm, running along the purplish and blue bruises marring the ivory colour of her skin.

She stirred, her body stilling and her moans stopping briefly as I made contact with her in more intentional ways.

And then she stirred again when I stopped, the nightmare mounting inside of her at my lack of touch.

And so I touched her again, laying my palm flat against her upper arm, my cold hand delicately rubbing along her badly bruised skin. My eyes, in the dark, could make out the distinct shaped of handprint bruises – where he'd held her down, his grip so forceful that it left welts and bruises.

My fingers ran across the welts and bruises, and Bella's body responded immediately, her moans of agony transforming into soft mews, sounds of happiness and pleasure leaving her body instead.

This was the barest I'd seen her in a very long time, as she was dressed in only a thin, cotton, white undershirt. She'd changed from the hospital gown but when we'd arrived at her home I'd pulled her out of the thick, sweater of mine that she was wearing so that she could sleep more comfortably.

This was the first time I was able to really examine her bare arms and neck. And I could see every shade and hue of harm he'd caused her. Every small bruise, every large bruise. Every welt. Every cut.

My hand moved to her neck, finding the thick, finger-shaped bruises there. I struggled to maintain myself as my anger grew inside of me – every natural instinct I possessed was screaming at me to protect my mate, to eliminate the threat that harmed her to begin with.

I swallowed down the venom that was pooling in my mouth and continued to run my fingers across Bella's battered body.

Seconds later I felt Bella's tiny hand reach up and grasp mine, her warm hand covering my cool skin in a gesture that made the anger boiling inside of me shrink ever so slightly. I looked down at her face, her brown eyes were fixated on my own, tears sitting at the brim, threatening to spill over any second.

Bella's hand tugged on mine as she pulled it across the length of her neck, and down to her protruding collar bone. She pulled my fingers across the length of the bone, pulling further down until my fingers were resting on the space just above her breasts.

I looked down and noticed the fading red groupings of broken blood vessels lining her chest, obviously left there by his mouth.

Bella sat up slowly, pushing her hair out of her face as she did.

"Help me?" she asked, her voice low and tired.

I nodded.

"Anything," I promised.

"Help me change. I want out of these clothes, I smell like a hospital… but I can't do it alone" she explained as her eyes cast downwards, her body filling with signs of her shame as she spoke.

"Of course." I could see how deeply she wanted to be able to do this alone, but her body wouldn't allow her that autonomy yet. She hadn't healed quite enough to manage.

She moved over to the side of the bed, and I followed, moving to the floor just in front of her, kneeling down as I awaited her instruction.

Her hands traveled to the hem of her shirt as she pulled at the fabric, struggling it to pull it up and over her head. I helped her, replacing her hands with my own as I gripped onto the thin cotton, gently tugging it up and over her head.

Her shoulders tensed and her body was rigid as I helped her.

"It's ok, love," I assured her, trying to relay my message with the utmost sincerity.

She nodded as she shrugged off the shirt, her hands falling to her sides in a display of defeat.

* * *

 **BPOV**

His eyes were locked onto my body, and there was nothing I could do to change this moment. I had awoken to the feeling of his hands tracing across my body, his touch awakening the deadened parts of me and healing the broken parts of me.

Each place he touched felt like an erasure of Paul and the ways in which he'd touched me. The contrast was severe. Edward was gentle, loving, soothing, soft and cold. Paul was rough, violent, volatile, angry, bruising and hot. Edward's hands were tools in this moment, replacing what had been burned into my memory and into my body.

It was true, what I told him. I did want out of the clothes I was wearing, and I could smell the sterile hospital smell pressing against every facet of my consciousness. But more than that I wanted his hands to find connection with my body. I wanted that contrasting feeling to find refuge in the parts of me that felt damaged beyond repair.

He knelt down in front of me and gently pulled my shirt up and over my head. And I sat in front of him, nothing but a bra covering my body – the most exposed I'd ever been in front of him. His eyes were locked on my face, but then the slowly began to travel downwards, holding in places where there was more noticeable damage. His eyes resting on the most damaged parts of me - the bite marks across my chest, the handprint-shaped bruises on my neck, the welts on my arms, my broken and torn ribs. His eyes ghosted over every part of me and as he did his sadness grew larger and large inside of him until it was no longer well-hidden.

He looked as though he was crying, though no tears poured from his dark, black eyes.

In this moment I knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed. I had just awoken from a nightmare where Paul was claiming my body again, and the feeling of waking up next to Edward, his hands exploring my body in the safest and most loving way possible brought me the deepest peace I'd known since this all began.

"Touch me," I whispered, desperately afraid that he would reject me, but throwing caution to the wind because I was sure that I could become addicted to the feeling of his hands on my body.

He stopped and looked up at me, his eyes confused.

"I need it," I explained, my fear growing as I explained this absurd feeling that was coursing through me.

"I need _you_ ," I clarified.

His eyes reflected his feelings, and they were filled with sadness. But he nodded, and he reached a tentative hand out towards me. I met his hand halfway and pulled it towards me, placing it against my burning ribcage, just beneath my chest. His palm flattened against the skin, the feeling of coolness spreading across the entire area.

I shivered.

He pulled back but I grabbed his hand again and rested in against the same spot.

"Don't," I said softly "he was so hot. I can feel it all the time. I can feel his warmth _all the time_."

He was stiff, holding his hand in place but looking uncomfortable.

"It's ok," I offered, my eyes finding his but unable to focus in the dark. A small beam of moonlight was peeking through from the window behind him, illuminating the space around his body but unable to reach his face. I was sure, however, that my body was glowing in the bright, white light.

His hand moved across my abdomen, traveling up my side, ghosting over the side of my breast as he quickly moved past and rested his fingertips against the bruises on my neck.

The relief was overwhelming. The images that constantly occupied my mind of Paul's body suspended over top of mine and he tore through my body were hazy and difficult to pull forward as Edward's fingers rested against my flesh.

And then his hands moved from my neck, over my collarbone, down to my arms which were still varying shades of black and blue.

And then he moved forward, slowly, at an almost unbearable pace, towards my arm.

His lips pressed against the finger-shaped bruise marring my ghastly white skin.

And I unraveled.

My body contracted and released, simultaneously, pulling me out of my carefully constructed resolve, and launching me into the present, to this moment, where Edward's hands were replacing the memories of Paul's.

I had never felt such tenderness before – such love, compassion or gentleness. This was outside of anything else I'd ever felt, and it was resurrecting the parts of myself I was sure had been crushed into nothingness.

Edward moved closer to my body again, this time his face parallel to my own. And his lips found my right cheek, where he placed the softest and most delicate kiss. His lips trailed downwards, towards my neck, where he followed the path of bruises, downwards still, toward the bite marks that lined the skin just above my chest.

His lips lingered there, their cold, hard, softness chasing away the memories of what my body was programmed to accept.

"Bella," he breathed out, the agony in his voice tormenting me, ripping me apart inside all while healing me in the same instance.

He pressed his cheek against the space just above my heart, his head resting there as my hands came to land in his disarray of copper-brown hair. He remained there for a few seconds more, before he placed his hands on my hips and helped me into a standing position, all while remaining on his knees.

And then his fingers began working away at the clasp of my slacks, the button popping open and the zipper creaking against the fabric as he slowly pulled away at the confines of the clothing. His fingers lopped into the fabric that was hugging my waist, and he pulled downwards, the too-loose pants pooling into a pile at my feet, falling away from my bony body with just the slightest provocation.

A low growl erupted from Edward, and I watched as his silhouetted body struggled with the task at hand, caught between guilt, confusion, and anger. Had this been 9 months ago, Edward never would have allowed this to take place. He never would have put himself in a position where he might see my body unclad in just my undergarments.

But things were different.

I was different.

He was different.

 _We_ were different.

His hands were on me, running over the badly bruised flesh of my hips, where the bones were jutting out, pressing against the welted skin, contorting my body into a pile of flesh and bones. And then his lips… his lips pressed against the aching flesh, leaving in their wake a trail of icy coolness – relief.

Edward stood abruptly, stalking over to my dresser where he pulled out a set of pajamas before resuming his position in front of me, standing now. He helped me into the lavender-coloured pants, bearing most of my weight and bending into awkward positions as he helped me pull them over my legs.

He made to help me into my shirt, but I stopped him.

"Please," I begged, tears falling freely from my eyes now "please – I want to feel the cold. I want to feel _your_ coldness."

He looked at me with confused eyes, and although I couldn't see the details of his face, I could tell his expression by the way his body moved, his head cocked slightly to the side as his shoulder tensed.

My hands found the hem of his shirt, and I ignored the pain as I attempted to lift the shirt over his head, but he stopped me, admonishing me as he did.

"Bella, stop," his voice was soft, light, filled with love and concern as he spoke, "this isn't right."

"No," I groaned, "I just want to feel you against me," I whispered. He hesitated for a moment, contemplating my request. And then he surprised me.

He placed my hands at my sides, and pulled his shirt off, throwing it into a pile in the corner. His hands found my hips and he lifted me into his arms, placing me onto the bed, underneath the covers. And then he joined me, his cool, hard body pressing tenderly against my aching, burning flesh and bones.

His touch.

The relief.

I drifted into sleep.

Restful, blissful sleep.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry for the delay! I've had epic writer's block. But I'm back at it now, and the writing is flowing out of me faster than I can contain it!

Please let me know what you think - this is a bit of an interlude, a break from the heaviness.


	21. Transformed

Chapter 21 – Transformed

 **EPOV**

Bella slept restfully and soundly, curled against my body. I worried she'd feel too cold throughout the night, but on the contrary, she seemed at ease. She hadn't woken again, and she showed no signs of experiencing any nightmares. The pale moonlight cast a beautiful glow against her, elevating her quietly majestic body to an ethereal level.

My phone had started quietly buzzing on the shelf near the window right when the sun began to climb over the horizon, but I was reluctant to disturb Bella, who was finally sleeping without interruption, that I ignored it. It rang several more times over the course of the next hour, but I disregarded it each time, preferring to remain at Bella's side, her body wrapped against my own, so that she could indulge in the sleep she needed.

I wasn't surprised when I heard Carlisle's car approaching Bella's driveway. His thoughts were anxious, worried and filled with concern. He was confused because it was so unlike me to stay out of touch, especially where it concerned Bella and her well-being. But the sight of her body, finally at ease, resting without the hindrance of nightmares plaguing her sleep was enough to keep me here, in this very spot, unwilling to move for fear of disturbing her.

Charlie had already left for work, though he left a note downstairs on the door instructing Bella to call him as soon as she woke up. He left shortly before the sun had risen, and his worry was palpable. He stood outside Bella's door for several long moments, contemplating knocking, but worried that he would disturb her – he was as aware as I was that uninterrupted sleep was a rarity for Bella.

He eventually left, resolving to leave a note instructing her to call him as soon as she woke. Part of him was torn with leaving, but part of him was also relieved. There was an unspoken anguish that existed in him being near Bella – it was a reminder of all the ways in which he felt he'd failed her. And it was painful beyond expression.

Now Carlisle stood at the door, his thoughts filled with an equal measure of apprehension. He listened in, waiting to hear the sounds of movement he expected – confirmation that Bella was ok and that I was ok, too.

I thought about slipping out of Bella's grasp and meeting him downstairs, but I knew that if I were to shift from my position and leave Bella's side, she would wake up, probably terrified because I was absent. So I waited, knowing that Carlisle would follow the sounds of Bella's breathing and heartbeat to her bedroom.

Sure enough, seconds later he was at the door, a very slight and gentle knock reverberating against the old, wooden door.

"Carlisle," I whispered, low enough that Bella wouldn't have been able to hear it.

 _Edward, may I come in?_

"Yes, but she's asleep."

The door creaked open, and I listened more closely to Bella's body and its signs, anticipating the sound would startle her awake.

But it didn't. She remained motionless.

The turn of Carlisle's thought was startling – he'd entered the room filled with worry and confusion and those emotions quickly changed when he saw Bella and I lying together in her bed.

 _This is outrageous!_ The harshness of his thoughts was not lost on me, but I didn't immediately understand their origins. Carlisle stood at the foot of the bed, his black, leather medical bag gripped in his vice-like hands. His body was vibrating with his anger, rolling off of him in intense waves.

I tried to assess his thoughts, but he turned on his heel, heading toward the door in a flurry of rage and anger.

"Carlisle!" My voice remained quiet but urgent.

"Bring Bella back to our home once she awakens. Goodbye, Edward."

My panic was beginning to mount as I struggled to understand what was making Carlisle so angry and volatile. I pulled my body from Bella's, taking care to not disturb her as I extracted my limbs from her own, sliding out of the bed as I pulled the covers up over her body.

By the time I caught up with Carlisle, he'd already made it to his car, his hand resting on the handle of the driver's side door as he paused in position, waiting for me to speak.

"What's going on?" I questioned, searching Carlisle's mind with renewed intensity.

"This is the absolute last thing I would expect from you, Edward. Bella's condition is so precarious, and she's barely making it through each day. It was unbelievably inappropriate to engage in that type of behavior with someone in Bella's present condition."

"What are you talking about, Carlisle?"

And then I found it, in his mind. Clear as day – screaming out at me with anger and intensity that startled me.

 _You and Bella were intimate…_ his mind flashed through to the image of Bella and I wrapped around one another in her bed, my upper half bare and hers covered only by her undergarments. Realization dawned on me in that moment, my body slumping and weakening at the mere thought of what Carlisle was suggesting.

I tried imagined the sight of Bella and me together from his perspective. I was struck, immediately, by the intimacy of mine and Bella's interaction.

She was barely clothed, wrapped up against me, and I was in a similar state of dress, clutching her against my bare chest in a highly intimate way.

"You can't be serious?" I growled. Carlisle glowered at me, his hand dropping from the door handle as he clasped both hands together with an inhuman strength.

"I'm quite seriously, actually."

"Carlisle, I would never dream of being intimate with Bella in that way... I wouldn't have _ever_ considered such a thing before… all of this, it would be too dangerous for her, but now – it's the furthest thing from my mind."

"Why were you in bed together and undressed?" Carlisle glanced down at my bare chest and back up to my face, his expression transforming into that of reluctance and uncertainty.

"We _weren't_ undressed for those reasons. Bella pleaded with me… the cold helps her sleep. The wolves, they're warm – burning hot. And her body remembers his, all the time. Even if she doesn't consciously remember, her body does. It's why her nightmares are so bad at night. But when she's with me, when she's in my arms and she can feel the coldness of my body, it soothes her."

Carlisle's eyes cast downwards and his hands unclasped as he shoved them into the pockets of his trousers.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I searched his thoughts, unaccustomed to such a display of fragility and weakness from Carlisle that it took me aback, and left me unguarded and unprepared. Carlisle was never anything but composed and collected, but in this moment that was no longer true.

Something had shifted when he assumed that Bella and I had been intimate, and I wanted to know what it was that had shifted for him. I started to search his mind, but I stopped myself before I could delve any further, aware that I was violating his privacy in a very acute way.

"What is it, Carlisle?" I searched his face, trying to find hints of it there, trying to uncover the truth.

He shook his head as his hand came to run through his disheveled hair.

"I can't stop picturing it," he explained, inhaling deeply, drawing in the crisp morning air. I examined his face, trying to predict where he was going with this, trying to understand before he spoke the words without violating his privacy by rifling through his mind.

I watched the smalls droplets of morning dew and dust settle against his pallid skin, highlighting its paleness and flawlessness in a breathtaking way. His jaw was clenched and his body rigid as he held onto the images in his mind, clearly haunted by their presence.

"I've been witness to many horrors in my existence. I've watched the most depraved creatures of this world do the most unspeakable things. I am hundreds of years old, and I have witnessed a great deal in my time. But nothing… _nothing_ has disturbed me as deeply as this has. Nothing has shaken me as completely as this has. When I watch her, when I touch her broken and battered body… it changes me each and every time."

I paused, overthinking every possible response, pulling the words back inside my mind as nothing could adequately explain how much Carlisle's words resonated with me.

"I know. I understand the feeling."

And I did. I knew the feeling well. It was a living, breathing life force that was building inside of me, growing with each moment of pain I witnessed Bella endure. It was transforming me.

Several months ago, I never would've dreamed that I'd see Bella in such intimate ways, but now it was as though it was a lifeline to both of us. The intimacies of the interactions had been overhauled and they were no longer uncommon or strange. They were necessary.

What had started as a kindling romance and a new, overwhelming love had grown into a deeply rooted, older and wiser kind of love. The bonds that were forming between Bella and I were unbreakable. Witnessing her pain, walking her through these moments, and watching her struggle to preserve my feelings, or support me through this process was catapulting our relationship into realms I'd never dreamed it would enter.

And though I understood some of what Carlisle was feeling, I couldn't understand why he didn't contrast his immediate reaction to this morning's scene against his intimate understanding of who I really was.

"Carlisle – you know me, better than almost anyone else in this world. How could you question me in such a way? How could you not know that I would never take advantage of Bella like that?"

"This ordeal has me questioning everything I know, Edward. Watching the depth of Bella's pain, and the brutality of that monster… it's shaken me. I'm only just beginning to realize it now that caring for Bella medically is becoming a less time-consuming job. My thoughts are free to wander more freely now that every moment of my time isn't consumed with making sure she doesn't medically deteriorate even more profoundly."

"I would die before I hurt her again," I whispered. Carlisle reached his hand out and placed it on my shoulder, gripping tightly in a gesture I recognized to be affectionate.

"She's awake," he said tiredly, pausing to listen to the sounds of the shower turning on inside the house.

"Yes, she is."

Carlisle looked at me, his eyes softening as he surveyed me with great intensity.

"You've changed," he remarked.

I nodded, agreeing with him.

"And so have you."

"Yes, I have." There was a long stretch of silence before Carlisle spoke again, "You should get inside, Edward. She'll be wondering where you are. Please, bring her to our home when she's ready so I can have a look at her?"

"Of course."

Carlisle drove away, but his thoughts rang loudly through the thick of the trees, across the highway and only disappeared when he was several miles away. I was glad to no longer have access to them, for the agony contained within his mind was resurrecting my own torturous array of thoughts.

I ran inside, worried that Bella would be concerned about my whereabouts. I waited inside, leaning against the door of her bedroom, waiting for her to finish in the washroom.

But time continued to pass and Bella remained where she was, apparently unmoving because I couldn't hear any of the sounds I normally would've heard, save for her strong and pronounced beating heart.

My concern piqued.

I gently knocked on the door of her washroom, waiting to hear her response.

But there was silence.

I knocked again, a bit louder this time, assuming she hadn't heard me the first time.

Silence again.

The only sounds that could be heard were the sounds of her heart beat, her breathing and of the water falling against her skin and the porcelain tub.

"Bella?!" I called out, trying to contain the panic that was ever present in my voice. She was here, she was breathing. She was ok.

I repeated the words like a mantra over and over again in my head, trying to reassure myself that she simply wasn't hearing me and that nothing else was wrong. The sound of her heart beating loudly and with reasonable strength should have been enough to assuage me, but it wasn't.

"Bella? Are you ok?" I questioned as I knocked again, this time with more force than before.

Still, nothing.

I placed my hand on the iron door knob and fiddled with it, checking to see if the door was locked.

It was.

More panic now.

I resolved to knock and call out to her once more and if I didn't hear her I'd go in.

"Bella?"

Nothing.

The door and handle easily cracked in my hand, bursting at the latch then swinging open.

My eyes scanned the washroom and I noticed several things all at once.

One: there were no clothes anywhere. Nothing on the floor, nothing on the hanger in the corner – nothing.

Two: there wasn't a drop of steam to be found. The air wasn't moist with the droplets of vapor that would have clung to every surface were the water warm. In fact, there was an unusual, icy chill to the air.

Three: Bella had not reacted at all to the sound of the door breaking, not even her heart rate changed in response to the jarring noise that I had produced in my effort to get to her as quickly as possible.

Something was wrong.

I rushed to the side of the tub, drawing back the shower curtain in one, swift motion.

Bella was sitting down, fully clothed, her back braced against the edge furthest away from the shower head with her legs outstretched. She was staring straight ahead, her eyes glassy and unfocused as tears poured out of her eyes. She seemed unphased by my presence, never once wavering her focus from the wall across from her.

Alarmingly, her skin had a blue hue to it, because all of the blood vessels near her skin were constricting in an effort to protect her vital organs. Her body was cold – too cold. The icy water had only been pouring down on her for a few minutes, but given how frail she was, her body had no extra insulation to protect her from the cold.

I turned off the water with one hand and scooped her into my arms with the other, pulling her against me as I stood up, grabbing a towel from the shelf. I wrapped her body in the towel, delicately drying her shaking body. She remained unresponsive despite the commotion, and my concern started to pique.

"Bella?" I whispered gently, trying to push all panic from my voice but certain that I wasn't successful in the least.

She didn't rouse. I pulled her into my arms, holding her against me with one arm as I pulled my phone from the pocket of my pants, calling Carlisle as I pressed the phone to my ear.

"Edward?"

"She's not responsive. She was in the shower – but the water was ice cold. She couldn't have been in there for longer than 10 minutes."

"What colour is she?"

"Her extremities have a bluish hue to them."

"You're holding her in your arms?" He asked, calmness radiating from his voice.

"Yes."

"Lay her down, Edward. The cold from the water combined with the coldness of your body is only compounding the problem. Is she dressed?"

"She was in the shower fully clothed. Her clothing is drenched."

"Ok. Will you be able to undress her to change her into dry clothing?"

"Yes," I replied without hesitation.

I rushed into her bedroom, placing her down on her bed and gathering up all of the blankets she had in her room, throwing them into a pile at the foot of her bed. I grabbed a pair of clean pajamas, all while keeping Carlisle on the phone.

"She'll be fine, Edward. Get her out of those wet clothes quickly and keep her warm. Make sure she stays covered. I'm on my way over – call me if anything changes before I arrive."

"Ok," I acknowledged, hanging the phone up and sitting next to Bella's bedside, stifling the reflexive urge to connect my body to her own, knowing that exposure to my body would only worsen her condition.

"Bella, love… I don't know if you can hear me or understand me right now, but I have to get you out of these clothes, ok? You're soaking wet and your body is getting too cold, too quickly. I'm going to undress you, and then I'm going to dress you in some dry clothing. Carlisle is on his way here to have a look at you and make sure you're ok. Can you nod if you understand me, love?"

But she didn't move. I wondered if she could hear me at all, or if she had any inkling of what was happening around her, or to her.

Having to undress her was an awful feeling. Knowing that she wasn't truly conscious for this, and needing to do it anyway, made me feel profoundly uncomfortable. I wanted nothing more in this moment than to comfort her, to speak to her and help her back into reality. But she was very, very far outside my reach.

I started with her upper half. She was wearing only a thin, white, cotton bra which I unclasped easily and then dried her with a towel, taking great care to handle her with exceptional gentleness. I averted my eyes, trying very hard to avoid staring at more of her than was necessary.

But my eyes, despite my efforts, found the angry, red welts that were scattered across her chest and remained there. My mind wandered into dark places as I considered what he'd done to her to leave those marks.

How had she felt?

Was she afraid?

 _Of course she was afraid._

What else had he done to her that we didn't know about?

She was still keeping so much from us.

Still guarding her thoughts and holding them close to her, unwilling to allow us in long enough to see her pain and carry her through it.

Carlisle knew more than I did, I was sure. He was so fiercely protective of Bella that he refused to allow me to see anything that was outside of what I needed to know in order to assure her safety. But I knew that he was concealing something from me – his thoughts were unusually guarded lately and given that he'd been the person to examine Bella it wasn't far fetched to believe he knew a lot more than I did.

Every time I looked at her body I saw a new marking that I'd missed before. A new place that he'd claimed for himself – another way that he'd brutalized this beautiful, pure, ethereal creature. Another layer that he'd stripped away from her.

My mind was wandering and I struggled to reel it back in, reminding myself that I had to get her warm again.

My mind worked so quickly and had such an aptitude for recall and contemplation that it wasn't unusual for me to get caught up in its inner workings and musings – especially where Bella was concerned.

"Ok love," I said softly, searching her body for signs of acknowledgment "I have to put this shirt on you and then I have to undress your lower half and put you into some warm, dry clothing."

As I pulled the shirt over her head I forced myself to remain focused, not allowing my thoughts to wander farther than was necessary for the task at hand.

My hands found the tie of her pajama pants, and I quickly pulled at the bottom of the loop before sliding the sopping wet lavender coloured pants off of her.

I growled at the sight of her.

Bruises covering every inch of her.

Ghastly, angry looking bruises that seemed to be concentrated in some areas and feathered out across all other areas. I could see where his hands had gripped her, holding her down, pressing her into the ground, possibly punishing her for her efforts to escape.

Her hips had seen the worst of it. Distinct, hand-shaped bruises were scattered across the too-thin flesh that stretched across the protruding bone. In the light of the morning I could see the outline of where his fingernails had dug into her flesh.

I could see where he marked her with his mouth.

I was stunned.

Motionless.

Unable to move, frozen in place as my mind struggled to work itself out of the protective mechanisms that had been tripped in my primal self at the sight of Bella's body.

Everything inside of me was morphing into a hunter – into a predator, seeking out it's prey, the primary goal in my mind was seeking out revenge – protecting my mate.

I removed my hands from Bella, knowing that I couldn't be trusted to handle her with the gentleness she needed to be safe.

I drew into myself, trying to internally quell the flames that were lapping at me, threatening to pull me under and hold me captive, surrendering myself to the monster the dwelled within.

And then, somewhere in the depths of my mind, I was pulled back into the present. My need to protect Bella, to keep her safe and bring her back to warmth won out over the monster that was gaining strength inside of me, threatening to overthrow me and gain full control for it's own agenda.

I quickly pulled her underwear on, followed by her pajama bottoms before I placed her underneath the fresh, dry covers, adding layer after layer until I was certain she was warm enough.

I took vigil at her side, waiting for Carlisle to arrive.

Waiting provided me with an uncomfortable moment of reflection. I wanted so badly to hold Bella in my arms. And knowing that what she needed in this moment wasn't something I could give to her, knowing that my body and its very nature was a danger to her in this moment, as it was in so many other moments. It was a familiar, painful reminder.

It was sobering.

"Bella?" I called out again, hoping to elicit some response – any response – from her now. But she remained silent and still.

I realized that the declining temperature of her body was only partially contributing to her current state of unawareness. Bella's shower was unnaturally cold. There was only one explanation for her choice to shower in the coldest possible water.

She was caught in the grips of a memory.

The burning that she described in her body had likely overwhelmed her. She had probably awoken to my absence, unable to cope with the force of her own memories she sought out the next best thing. She doused herself in frigid water to burn away the searing memory of his body claiming hers.

The thought made me growl before I could catch the sound in my chest.

I was thankful she wasn't conscious in a way that would've allowed her to catch the noise.

I glanced down at her, thinking of the night before and all the had transpired, trying to pull myself from the darkness of my own thoughts. This path, these thoughts – I'd been here before. And the bleakness of this moment had been the catalyst for my abandonment of Bella in the past. I couldn't trust myself to entertain any thoughts that might convince me to interpret Bella's achievement of safety as something that required my presence to be removed.

I closed my eyes, sitting on the floor, leaning my body against the frame of Bella's bed, allowing my perfectly preserved memory to recall the night before.

The moment had been one of extreme vulnerability for Bella – she'd been unable to undress herself. A task that normally would've been no issue had been transformed into something almost insurmountable.

I remembered the look of torment that had come across her face when she'd asked for my help. I could sense in her that she desired to accomplish this on her own, and was only asking out of complete desperation. She looked so vulnerable and frail in this moment, and so overwhelmed at the thought of having to relinquish this kind of control in my presence.

It was, of course, an honour for me – to help Bella in this way. To be of service to her when I'd felt so horribly useless to her for so very long now.

And, to my amazement, Bella's grief and anxiety seemed to melt away easily the moment my hands made contact with her bare skin.

I watched as the tight lines of her face relaxed, smoothing away to reveal a more youthful and carefree Bella.

Her hands unclenched from the fists they'd formed, and she let out a slow, soft exhale, as though all that she'd been holding in could finally be released.

It was something I could grow absolutely addicted to – watching Bella unravel herself in front of me, watching her body morph into what it had always been meant to be – a haven of beauty, ease and assuredness.

The moment I removed my hands, however, the lines on her face tightened and the concern began to mount again.

It wasn't long before the moment carried both of us away, my hands roaming across her body as she murmured her agreement, groaning softly against my touch, her pleasure abundantly apparent. I soaked up every morsel of it, feeling high on my ability to ease her – high on the ability to soothe the unbearable pain she'd been carrying inside of her body for so long.

And the feeling, of holding her in my arms, of revelling in the glory of her body once again, after all this time, was incomprehensibly healing for me. The space that time had wedged between us seemed to close effortlessly, our souls intertwining again as they once had.

And despite this, part of me felt like I was betraying her. Here, in her weakened state, the most vulnerable she could be and I was gaining pleasure from the mere contact we were sharing. I couldn't remove the ways in which it felt wrong, or the ways in which it felt perfectly _right_.

Though I hadn't admitted it to Carlisle, I couldn't deny that the experience had been pleasurable for me – and not just because I was helping Bella, but because I was attracted to Bella. Her body was something I couldn't deny caused parts of me to awaken that I wished would remain quiet in that moment.

But it wasn't something I could control, despite how inappropriate it felt to covet her body, especially in it's current state of injury.

"Edward?" I jumped to my feet as soon as the words left her lips, moving across the bed to grab her hands and hold them in my own.

"Bella, love?"

"Edward…" her voice grew softer, and I could hear the distinct quiver emanating from her.

"Bella, love. What is it? What do you need?"

She paused, pressing her head back against the pillow, tears falling from her eyes, pooling against the pillow.

"It's…" she struggled against the words, closing her eyes and turning her head away from me as she continued to speak "it's gone."

A devastating sob ripped from her body as she shook against the bed with disturbing force.

"What's gone, Bella? What?"

"The… whatever was… _growing_ inside of me."

My heart sank and my body slumped forward.

Carlisle had warned that though she had been sure of her decision to terminate, it would likely reawaken inside of her at some point, and she would probably feel a great deal of grief. I just hadn't anticipated that moment would arrive so quickly.

I climbed in next to her on the bed, making sure that she was well covered by the layers of blankets I'd piled onto her before sitting my body down parallel to her own.

"I'm sorry, love," I offered, wishing there was something else I could say – something more sufficient to help ease the pain she was feeling.

She sobbed loudly, struggling to contain the grief that was roaring out of her body, uncontainable.

"I did this…" she cried out, her hand coming to rest against her stomach "I took it away. I… _ended_ it."

"Bella, you made the right decision for yourself. And although it was the right decision, it wasn't an easy one. There was no easy decision… but you did what was best for you. You did what was _right_."

Bella shrieked before she threw her body against mine, clutching onto me with desperation. Part of me was aware that any contact with me meant dropping her body temperature even more, which was the opposite of what we were trying to do.

But a more prominent part of me knew that she needed me, and that holding her, while not the wisest idea, wouldn't harm her irreversibly.

And so I held her, pressing her body against mine, running the pads of my fingers across her face, catching her tears as they fell.

She stayed there, crying against me until Carlisle arrived at her door.

* * *

 **BPOV**

"You don't have to do this, Bella. We can go back to Charlie's house and stay there for the night. Don't feel obligated…"

I was sitting next to Edward, in the passenger seat of his Volvo as he drove at an unreasonably fast speed.

"I know I don't have to… but I want to. I want some… normalcy. I want to do something that makes things feel like they used to," I explained, realizing that I was barely making any sense but hoping that Edward would understand me all the same.

He nodded and smirked, his eyes catching mine as he laughed softly.

"What?" I pressed, slightly annoyed at his laughing, but mostly overjoyed. Seeing Edward smile left me feeling blissful. It reminded me of what was, and what could be again… with time.

"You want normalcy, Bella. And normal, for you, means having dinner with 7 vampires?" Edward chuckled again, returning his eyes to the road, leaving only one hand on the wheel. The other hand, his free hand, rested idly against the middle console.

I knew he wanted to touch me, but wouldn't… not unless I initiated it.

And I wanted to, but something inside of me remained hesitant. Something inside of me wouldn't allow myself this moment of connection with Edward.

It was 8pm now, but earlier this day, in the morning, I'd fallen to pieces and completely unravelled.

Edward had slept in my bed the night before, his bare upper half pressed against my own because I craved the cold so deeply.

But when I woke up, he was nowhere to be found.

And so I panicked. The reality of everything that had transpired in the past two days hit me like a tonne of bricks, overwhelming me instantly.

The emptiness I felt in my body was paralyzing. All of the memories I'd been fighting to hold at bay found their way through, permeating my reality in an overwhelming and consuming way.

I was burning again.

It was as though someone had doused me in gasoline, lit a match and set fire to my body.

I sought relief immediately, turning on the shower, setting it to the coldest possible setting, not even bothering to remove my clothes before jumping inside.

And the rest was hazy, because I spent the next while oscillating between memory after memory after memory, completely overrun with the agony of remembering his body and its domination of mine.

Edward had undressed me, changing me into warm clothes. I understood why he had done it. But now I needed to have control back over my body. I needed to fold inside of myself and re-erect the walls I'd been working to build. I needed to be in control of my body.

And as much as I wanted to hold Edward's hand, something inside of me was resisting. Maybe it was a desire to create some autonomy over my own body again, or maybe I was just on sensory overload.

"So, will everyone be there?"

"Yes, everyone."

"Oh…" I tried to conceal the concern that was edging through in my voice but, true to form, Edward had caught it.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I countered, praying he would drop it.

"Bella. Please?"

I didn't have the energy to avoid this.

"Is anyone…" I glanced over at Edward and stopped midsentence as I watched the realization sink in for him. He knew what I was getting at without me even having to complete my sentence.

"Of course. The wolves are keeping watch tonight. Almost their entire pack. They split up into groups and they're running the perimeter to make sure things are safe."

"And Alice… on the phone, when she invited me for dinner, she seemed so sure it would be completely ok. She sounded so confident I would say yes. She kinda sounded as neurotic as she used to," I explained, smiling out at the expanse of greenery that was flying past us as we drove down this familiar highway toward Edward's home.

"She can see you again," he explained, looking at me as he spoke. I avoided his gaze and continued to stare out the window.

I tried to stop the tears that were building inside of me, but it felt like there was a vice grip clamped onto my neck. I felt the heaviness, the weight of my relief. The weight of that realization and all that it meant.

He was gone.

He was out of me.

Really, truly out of me.

No trace of him left behind.

I felt myself exhale, my shoulders slumping forward as I did. My eyes were welling with tears despite my best efforts to suppress them. My heart was thudding wildly in my chest and my hands were shaking.

It was an unexplainable relief.

My body could be mine again.

I could belong to myself again.

I reached across the seat instinctively, finding Edward's hand and pulling it into my own, holding it against my thigh.

I tried to just feel him, to just focus on him and the feeling of his body against mine, but my mind was working overtime, thoughts of him warring with thoughts of where my body had been, what had been inside of it and how it had been transformed by Paul's violence.

I tried to shuffle the memories of him and the first time he'd ever laid hands on me, or given me a reason to fear him, out of my mind but they were there, sitting just at the surface, omnipresent as I tried to build my connection with Edward.

I drifted back to that night, months ago, before Paul had ever hurt me… before I really knew what he was capable of…

 _It was a balmy evening, rare for Forks and even rarer for this time of year. The older boys were planning on enjoying the weather by hosting a bonfire for everyone in the tribe. Jake invited me to come. I wondered if it would be inappropriate for me to impose, but he assured me that I was more than welcome to be there._

 _So here I sat, propped up on a moss covered log, staring into the flames as they danced about wildly, shooting from the fire pit catching on the bits of surrounding grass before fading aware completely. The crackle of the fire burning into the logs was soothing, whisking my mind away to moments that felt happier, and more secure. Moments that were filled with Edward and love and wholeness and fire._

 _"What's with you?" A strong voice jolted me from my thoughts._

 _"Paul, don't start." Jake's voice was menacing, and I knew his tolerance for Paul would be short tonight._

 _"Take it easy, man. I'm just messing with Bella. Isn't that right, sweetheart?" I cringed as Paul referred to me as sweetheart. It was something he did often these days, constantly pushing me further and further into a place of uneasiness around him. I didn't particularly like terms of endearment, but I would tolerate them under most circumstances. Usually the people using them meant well._

 _But something about Paul and the way he looked at me when he said it made me deeply uncomfortable. I could sense Jake's weariness around him, too. There was an unspoken tension that ran between them, creating a rift I couldn't quite understand._

 _"Don't call her that man. It's weird," Jake said accusingly, his eyes trained on Paul's._

 _"It's not weird. It's just my special way of showing Bella that she's part of the family. No big deal." He looked my way and winked, the action causing a deep blush to rise in my cheeks._

 _"Cool it guys." Sam's authoritative voice rang around the circle like a command, and every one sitting around the fire pit quieted immediately._

 _Odd. But I stored it away, shrugging it off as something about their bond that I just didn't understand. I made a mental note to ask Jake about it later, but as the night wore on it slipped further and further out of my mind._

 _We laughed, joked around, shared stories and roasted marshmallows and the nightly quickly faded away. It was approaching 2am by the time I thought to leave and Jacob walked me back to the place where my truck was parked near his and Billy's home._

 _"You OK to make it home from here, Bells?" His voice was filled with sleepiness and fatigue. He yawned loudly and I smiled at the sight of him, nodding._

 _"I'll be fine," I assured him, unlocking my truck as I chuckled._

 _"Cool. See you next week?"_

 _"Sure thing, Jake. Thanks for tonight." He grinned, a goofy look taking over his features. And with that he was off, sauntering back in the direction of his home. I shifted into gear and pulled out of the parking spot, down the road and headed back to Charlie's house._

 _I felt relieved when I noticed Charlie's car parked in the driveway, slightly off centre but looking like it always did. I smiled as I imagined Charlie coming home, warming the pasta I'd made for him as he sat down to watch football. So predictable, so… Charlie._

 _"What's so funny?"_

 _I jumped when a head poked through the open passenger side window. My heart was pounding wildly in my chest and I gripped the skin above it in my shock._

 _"Paul?" I squinted, trying to get a better look at the shadowed face. It was the middle of the night and I'd already turned my truck off so it was too dim know exactly who I was looking at. I was relying solely on my sense of hearing to register who the voice belonged to._

 _"The one and only." He pulled open the side door and jumped into the seat next to me, grinning widely in a way that made my stomach roll and my body fill with tension._

 _"What are you doing? Did Jake send you to make sure I made it home ok?" My voice was incredulous. At first I'd felt kind of scared to see Paul here, at my house. But the fear morphed into annoyance when I realized Jake must have sent Paul here to make sure I made it home alive._

 _"No. Jacob didn't send me." His voice was cold and precise and it sent chills down my spine. I gripped the steering wheel in front of me to steady myself against the uneasiness that was taking over all of my faculties._

 _And then I took a good, long, hard look at Paul's face my confusion turned to dread in seconds._

 _"What's going on?" I asked in a whisper. Paul grinned at me, and then place a single hand on my upper thigh. My reaction was instantaneous and seemingly outside of my control. I slapped his away and jerked my body away from his, to no avail. My efforts to get him away from me barely phased him._

 _"What's wrong, sweetheart?" He placed his hand on my thigh again and squeezed, hard._

 _"What are you doing, Paul? Get your hand off of me!"_

 _"C'mon Bella, we both know you want this. I can see it every time you look at me." He bit his bottom lip as his eyes grazed over my body, resting on my breasts. His tongue darted from his mouth and traced across his lips as he squeezed my thigh again._

 _I rammed my hand into his in an effort to push him away, but he was unaffected. I struggled to reach for the door of my truck, planning to swing it open and run away into the house to get to Charlie, to safety._

 _But before I could he was pinned up against me, my body pressed firmly into the door behind me. His lips began roughly travelling across my face, searching for my mouth. One hand glided up the side of my body, arriving at my jaw as he roughly pulled my head so my mouth was on his._

 _I felt his lips press up against mine with bruising force and I did the first thing that came to mind: I bit down. Hard._

 _I watched as he recoiled, pressing against the passenger side door, staring at me as he huffed loudly. I watched him shake and tremble as his eyes grew angrier and angrier. His hand searched frantically for the handle and he pushed it open, stumbling out. He regained his balance and began to run toward the patch of forest lining the perimeter of Charlie's house._

 _And that's when I saw it: his entire body convulsed violently, his body jerking from side to side as his body shook and folded in on itself. Right before my eyes he began shifting into what appeared to be a large, wolf-like creature. And then he disappeared, no longer in my line of vision._

 _I pushed the door of my truck open and ran towards the house, fiddling for my keys. When I finally burst through the door I ran upstairs straight into my bedroom, closing the door behind me quietly._

 _I sank down right there, biting back the sobs that were rolling through me. My hand reached up and touched my face, travelling across all of the places he'd touched with his lips. I cringed and felt bile rise in my throat. I supressed the urge to vomit before collapsing down on my bed._

 _I heard a knock and shot upright, panic building._

 _"Bella? I heard you come in… everything alright?" Charlie's voice was soft and tender through the door, a shift in him that I still wasn't used to. I swallowed thickly, trying to right myself before responding._

 _"Yeah, I'm totally fine. Just wiped out! Long night," I called back, "but it was a lot of fun. Goodnight!"_

 _"Alright then, g'night." And with that he walked away, leaving me to unravel once more on my bed as I replayed the last 20 minutes in my mind._

 _What had just happened? How had that happened? Why?_

 _I knew Paul was… off, but I hadn't realized he was so aggressive._

 _And what the hell happened to him before he disappeared into the woods? If I hadn't already been well acquainted with all things odd I might not have believed my eyes. But I knew enough to know that you should never write off anything, even the things that seemed most impossible and absurd._

 _I stored the thoughts away as I focused on the ache in my upper thigh. I ran my hand along it, noting that I would likely have a large bruise to show for it in the morning._

 _A loud thump startled me and I rounded to face my window. My breath hitched as I saw Jacob pushing the window open, sliding into my bedroom with a suppleness that surprised me._

 _He looked at me and anger began swelling inside of him. I watched as he too began huffing loudly, his body shaking as he stood, staring at me._

 _I backed away slowly, terrified of what was happening to him and remembering that this was exactly what Paul had looked like before he'd morphed into some kind of monster right in front of my eyes._

 _But as quickly as the anger overtook Jake, it dipped back down again. I saw the concentration on his face as he tried to gain control of whatever this was. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, taking deep breaths. Only when he seemed calm again did he open his eyes and take a few tentative steps toward me._

 _"Please, let me explain," he begged with his hands outstretched. I quivered at the thought, wondering what Jacob could possibly say that could adequately explain what Paul had done._

 _"Firstly, Paul is being dealt with by Sam. I wanted to tear him to shreds when I heard… but I can't. I'm not the one calling the shots. I went for him, straight for his jugular but Sam ordered me to stop, so I had to." His eyes found mine as he searched for some sign of incredulity on my face._

 _I stared at him in shock, waiting for him to continue on and provide a better explanation for everything he'd just said._

 _"Sam ordered you… I don't understand?" Jacob rubbed a hand across his forehead, clearly looking frustrated, angered and pained all at once._

 _"Yeah… I kinda have to do what he says… I don't really have a choice. Sam is our pack leader…" he looked at me, waiting for my response but I remained completely silent._

 _"We're werewolves, Bella."_

 _I looked at Jake and laughed a maniacal, crazy laugh. I giggled, the thought sending me into fits of inappropriately timed laughter. Jake stared at me, his eyes growing more and more concerned by the second._

 _"Bella? Say something…"_

 _"Werewolves?" I managed to choke out between giggles._

 _"I think you're losing it, Bells." His voice was laced with real, genuine concern and I tried to ready myself to explain._

 _"It's just so ridiculous!"_

 _"I know…" I glanced at Jacob and suddenly my laughter turned into sobs. The intensity of them overwhelmed my body, causing me to slump over as I shook with the force of each one._

 _"Bella, I'm sorry about Paul. He's a hot head and me and him have had it out for each other lately."_

 _I nodded, holding my head in my hands as the cries began to dissipate._

 _"Like I said, it's being dealt with. I wanted to take care of him myself…" I noticed Jake's hands balling into clenched fists as he spoke through gritted teeth._

 _"It's fine," I tried to assure him, not making eye contact._

 _"No, it's not. I don't know what he would have done… if he didn't book it out of there to avoiding phasing next to you."_

 _I peeked at Jake through my hands, cocking my eyebrow in question._

 _"Phasing… it's when we transition from our human form to our wolf form… it's kind of weird and complicated. The werewolf gene is passed down to us from our ancestors, who were also wolves. Anger can sometimes involuntarily trigger the switch for some of us, especially for those of us that don't have very good control of our emotions." He came to sit on the bed next to me, his eyes resting on me._

 _"So you think Paul… would have gone further if…"_

 _"If you hadn't bitten him and pissed him off? Yeah… I know he would have." Anger began rising in him again, his face the easiest tell._

 _"Jake, calm down." I tried to even out my voice and emanate calmness, but it didn't appear to be working._

 _I was no Jasper…_

 _My heart panged at the thought, and I wondered idly for a moment if the Cullen's knew werewolves existed, too?_

 _Jacob cleared his throat and stood up, pacing the room._

 _"How do you know he would have, Jake?" His head snapped in my direction and he stilled._

 _"We can read each other's thoughts."_

 _My eyes opened widely, staring at Jacobs intensely._

 _"Only each other's thoughts," he assured me. "We're not like your bloodsuckers, for example. We don't have special skills or anything, we're just connected by our tribe and blood bonds, and in wolf form we can hear each other's thoughts. It's not as cool as it sounds…"_

 _"So you… saw? You saw him…" Jake cute me off, mercifully saving me from completing my thought._

 _"Yeah. And I want to tear him apart for it!"_

 _"But… you can't… because of Sam?"_

 _"Yeah. Sam is our alpha – the leader of our pack. When he commands us to do something, we have to do it."_

 _"You have to?"_

 _"Yeah… and believe me if I'd gotten my hands on Paul before Sam had come around he'd be dead right now."_

 _Jacob's jaw tightened and I shifted uncomfortably._

 _"Leave it be, Jake. He didn't really do anything, anyway."_

 _"It's gonna be dealt with, believe me." He began pacing the room again glancing uneasily at everything around him._

 _My mind was still trying to process everything that had happened when a thought hit me suddenly and forcefully: Jacob had called the Cullen's bloodsuckers. He knew about vampires?_

 _"You know… you know about vampires?" Jacob chuckled softly, darkness still in his eyes._

 _"Of course I do! They're the reason we exist." I couldn't grasp what he was saying to me, it was overwhelming and there were too many holes in his story._

 _"Explain all of this to me, please," I urged, my eyes darting toward the computer chair sitting in front of my desk. Jake took the cue and sat down, facing toward me, his head in his hands. He looked exhausted._

 _"From the beginning?" he asked._

 _I nodded._

 _"From the beginning."_

"Bella? What's wrong?" Edward's soothing voice pulled me back into the present, my focus shifting from the memory of Paul's hands on me, to this moment, where Edward was standing next to me, his hand outstretched as he waited to help me out of the car.

I looked up into Edward's eyes, soft as always, and placed my hand in his.

"Bella?" He asked again because he was concerned. I tried to quickly right myself, preparing to reassure him that all was well, decidedly unwilling to

"Nothing. I'm ok. Just… isn't it a bit weird that we're going over for dinner… because, well, y'know… you guys don't eat human food?"

Edward chuckled, his head throwing back as the sound bellowed out of him in a musical way. I smiled, unable to help it at the sight of him caught in this moment of apparent hilarity.

"I suppose it is a bit odd. But I have to say, they all take great pleasure in feeding you. It's become somewhat of an obsession for them."

I rolled my eyes, stepping out of the car as Edward flashed a toothy grin my way, my heart fluttering in my chest as he did.

We walked the short distance from his car to the house, Edward's arm snaked around my waist as he supported me against his body, easing the pain that walking caused me. He paused when we reached the bottom step of the grand porch, his body angling toward me as he eyed me seriously.

"Are you sure you're okay with this, love?"

I smiled and nodded. I knew this would be challenging, and that I would struggle with being in the same room as the very people that had watched me in my weakest moments, but I also knew that this needed to happen.

I needed to see them because I _needed_ to speak with them.

I had a plan.

The perfect way to stop him.

The perfect way to keep us all safe.

I knew Edward would object.

He would say no – definitively and with finality.

But the rest of the Cullen's might not.

And I had to try.

* * *

 **A/N:** I know this has taken forever to get up - and I'm sorry! Updates may take a little longer from here on, but only because I'm writing the chapters now and the pre-written chapters that only needed editing are all done.

Thanks for your reviews folks! Happy news: the next chapter is almost complete and is ready to be posted soon, after a bit of editing.

We're about to see things get a bit intense between Edward and Bella, and we'll see where that takes them. Meanwhile, the plotline concerning Paul will continue to unfold over the next several chapters. The end of this story is not in sight. There is so much left to tell!

Hope you're all well,

-mm


	22. Changed

Chapter 22 - Changed

The Cullen's looked the same as ever – untouched by time and irreversibly frozen in a state of God-like perfection. It was a strange feeling to walk into their home, not for any other reason than I hadn't shared space with them in this way since before they left all those months ago.

Again, they were virtually unchanged in their physical appearance, but much had changed with regards to everything else. It was as though everything that happened these past several days had served to suspend the relationship and its former dynamics. What once was, was no longer.

Things had changed.

I noticed it the moment I walked in the door, to be greeted by Edward's family who stood at the bottom of the staircase huddled closely together with looks of pure joy plastered across their flawless faces. It was completely overwhelming, and Edward could sense as much immediately.

"Uhm… why don't we finish preparing for dinner, then everyone can chat with Bella while she eats," he suggested, trying to make his voice devoid of awkwardness, but failing in his attempts.

It didn't help that Emmett broke into a fit of laughter at Edward's suggestion.

Edward threw an intense glare Emmett's way, but Emmett didn't appear to even notice.

"C'mon, I'm not the only one that thinks it's hilarious that Bella is going to be the only one eating at a table of 8 people? We're basically hangin' around to watch Bella eat. It's hilarious!"

"It's weird," I clarified, my face serious. Emmett stilled and his eyes widened. Rosalie, who had wrapped her arm around his waist, gripped him even tighter to her as she made a low hissing sound.

I quickly realized they'd taken me seriously.

Everyone except for Jasper, that was. He could obviously sense the mischievousness behind my words and emotions and he smirked subtly at me.

"It's weird and it's hilarious!" I said again, allowing a giggle to escape me, hopefully helping ease the sudden tension that had budded in the room.

A sigh of relief involuntarily blew from the bodies of everyone around me. Edward's hand reached down, finding my own he caressed the back of my hand with small, languid gestures. It was meant to be comforting. And it was. He could sense how difficult this was for me, and I knew he could see through my attempts to make it through this with a bit of humor and deflection.

"It's so lovely to see you, Bella." Esme approached me, slowly and with caution, her arms outstretched as she came in for a hug.

I stiffened, my body reading any potential physical contact as a possible threat and responding accordingly. Esme stopped dead in her tracks and eyed me carefully, allowing me to make the next move.

I moved toward her, mentally chiding myself for interpreting her loving gesture as something possibly threatening. Our bodies connected and I felt my heart flutter, the feeling of her cold, hard body pressing against mine as she lovingly stroked my back was enough to make me feel full with love but sad at the same time.

Esme was so motherly, and while that was refreshing and very much needed, it made me miss Renee. But I pushed the thought aside because suddenly Esme was no longer holding me, and in her place was Alice, who was practically buzzing with her excitement. I hadn't even had time to register their swap, and it must have been a good thing because my body didn't respond with panic when I was wrapped in Alice's arms.

"Why don't you come into the kitchen? You can sit with us while we finish preparing," Esme suggested, her full, ruby red lips pulling into a heart-warming smile.

"Sure. Thanks."

Edward and I followed Esme into the kitchen and the rest of the family broke off into small groups, each attending to their own piece of preparation in relative silence. They worked so effortlessly together, every one of their actions complimentary to each other as they moved in a synchronous way that was nowhere near being human-like.

I watched in awe, appreciating the moment of silence and quiet to observe these incredible creatures in something as banal as dinner preparations.

Alice was arranging the table, setting a plate for me while Jasper pulled a bouquet of wildflowers together, catching a vase that Alice threw from the cupboard with one hand as he stuck the flowers into the vase in one, swift motion.

Alice glided in between everyone else, picking up things as she went, dropping them down somewhere else before moving on to the next effortless task – all the while moving far too quickly for me to register what she was collecting in her arms.

Esme was standing over the stove, stirring a pot filled with the most aromatic pasta sauce I'd ever smelled, bringing the ladle filled with sauce to her nose as she tried to determine whether or not it was any good through her sense of smell alone.

I stood from my chair and walked to her side.

"Can I try a taste? I might be a better judge when it comes to human food and its tastiness."

Esme smiled and side-stepped, allowing me to stand directly over the pot. It smelled tantalizing. The aroma of red wine wafted from the meat sauce and filled my nostrils, causing my mouth to water immediately.

And it tasted exquisite. Truly, it was comparable to a dish you might order at a fine dining restaurant. Perfectly balanced with every keynote of flavor accentuated beautifully.

"It's incredible," I explained, helping myself to another small spoonful.

"You think so? I've been back and forth about it all day long. I keep smelling it to get a sense of whether or not it's any good, but our sense of smell is so different from that of a human's… there really is no easy way to gauge it."

"Everything you make is delicious, Esme. And this is no exception."

She smiled and reached a small hand up, resting it on my face, closing her eyes as she held it there for a moment.

It was brief, but the affection in her touch pushed me into a realm of emotions I'd wanted to avoid. I could feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes and in seconds Edward was by my side, his arm snaking around my waist as he pulled me into his embrace.

I tried to breathe deeply, to push the tears back down inside of me, but they were unwilling to cooperate. I could feel them falling from my eyes, soaking the front of Edward's navy blue button up shirt as I silently sobbed against him.

A few moments passed and I pulled my head away from Edward's chest and looked up into his eyes.

"What's wrong with me?" I whispered, desperate to keep some part of myself and some part of this trauma guarded.

He opened his mouth to answer but before he could someone else did.

"Nothing." It was Jasper. He was leaning against the counter opposite us, his arms folded across his chest and his demeanor casual but intense.

"Nothing is wrong with you at all. Your emotions are all normal, and honestly, pretty far advanced from where I'd guessed you'd be today. You're emotional, Bella. And that's ok."

I smiled, my heart warmed and overwhelmed with Jasper and his sentiments. It meant so much coming from him because I knew that his words were steeped in honesty. Jasper could feel my emotions almost as well as I could. He knew them intimately.

"It's ready!" Alice's voice cut through the silent exchange we were sharing and in seconds everyone was filing back into the room, heading towards their respective spots at the table.

Carlisle sat at one head, with Esme at the other. Edward sat to his left and Alice on his right, sitting opposite Edward. Next to Alice was Jasper. I sat next to Edward and Rose and Emmett sat across from one another both on either side of Esme.

I was protectively cocooned in the middle of them all, and surely the arrangement wasn't made accidentally.

I wanted to object, to protest and stand up to declare myself capable… but I couldn't. Because I didn't _really_ want to. Because right now, surrounded by seven strong, gifted vampires I actually felt safe.

And that brought me to the next moment, the moment where I was sitting, huddled in the middle of these people, plotting how I would broach the next subject without causing complete upheaval and chaos.

Before anyone could try and serve me, I helped myself to a small bowl of pasta, pouring a generous serving of the delicious sauce over it and settling in to eat.

The conversation taking place around me was casual and easy. Emmett and Jasper argued playfully over the latest sports game while Alice rolled her eyes and mocked them whenever there was a pause in their conversation.

Rosalie looked bored and uninterested. Esme sat quietly, an amused look in her eyes and Carlisle was unusually disengaged. He appeared removed, his face filled with an unfamiliar detachment that was almost never found in his soft, aware features.

I realized it was now or never. I wouldn't remain courageous long enough to postpone this.

It had to be now. I cleared my throat in an effort to gain their attention.

And it worked.

I braced myself, staring out at the seven pairs of eyes that were now locked on my own. I closed my own eyes, inhaled deeply, and opened them again.

I was ready.

* * *

EPOV

"Bella, everything ok?" Jasper's voice was edged with light concern. I'd sensed it in him from the moment we arrived. He could feel in Bella that there she was grappling with intense anxiety– she was apprehensive, nervous, tense. He'd shrugged it off initially, attributing it to other things. But right now, as Bella sat at the table, inhaling and exhaling as though to ground herself into the moment, he could tell something more was going on.

I remained silent, hoping Jasper's prompt alone would be enough to coax Bella into telling us whatever it was that had her feeling such an intense flurry of emotions.

Sitting in the same room as Jasper and Bella was the closest I could ever get to hearing her thoughts. Jasper would read her emotions, I would read his thoughts and then I would have some clue to how she was feeling or at least confirmation for my own theories about her current state of being.

I could read Bella very well, but there were parts of her that were elusive – too difficult to grasp on to through mere observation because she was a person that went deeply inside herself as a mechanism for coping.

Bella focused, inhaled, exhaled and then spoke.

"Well, actually… no. It's not ok."

I felt the room stiffen, everyone sitting more upright, their bodies naturally stretching in the direction of Bella as they listened carefully.

"Are you unwell, Bella?" Carlisle's words were hollow and detached, but his face was filled with genuine concern. His thoughts were unusually guarded today, though I could still pull them apart enough to know what was going on with him.

He was unraveling, so to speak. Well, as much as a vampire could unravel, anyway. His thoughts were spiraling and he was struggling to control the rage that was beginning to consume him. It was apparent that Carlisle was taking this harder than any of us could have imagined, and now that his mind wasn't as preoccupied with Bella's physical condition he was able to expend a lot more emotional energy on processing everything that had happened.

"No. I'm not unwell."

I studied the faces of my family and noticed that they were all anxiously awaiting Bella's admission – except for Alice. She sat back in her chair, a very small smile on her face as she observed the scene that was unfolding before her eyes.

I tried to search her mind, but the only thing I could find in it was her deliberate attempts to keep me at bay.

I glared at her, realizing quite quickly that she'd already seen this moment, and she knew what Bella was about to say.

"I have an idea. And I need all of you to agree to listen before you respond. Let me finish what I have to say and please, listen to what I'm asking. Consider it…"

"Of course, dear. You should expect no less from all of us. I'm certain we'll all remember our manners and give you the opportunity to finish what you have to say before we respond." Esme smiled and sat back in her chair, folding her hands across her lap as she listened with absolute attentiveness.

"Do the rest of you agree?"

Synchronously, the rest of my family nodded in agreement. But I did not. I was reluctant because I was certain that whatever it was Bella was about to ask would be something I might not find agreeable. I rushed through the list of options and it wasn't long before I landed on several possibilities that seemed most likely.

"Edward?" Bella's soft voice interrupted my musings, and I stared at her, trying to read her before agreeing.

Her eyes left me stunned, however, and unable to do much else but contemplate what could be causing her such deep pain in this moment. I could sense that she was trying to conceal whatever pain it was that she was feeling, but to me, it was clear as day.

"I agree," I affirmed, nodding in her direction, my eyes softening as I tried to send her silent waves of encouragement and comfort.

"I would like to be changed into a vampire."

It felt like the wind was knocked out of me, as all of the life-force that I contained inside of me was ripped away. I sucked in a sharp intake of air, steeling myself against the powerful array of emotions that were surfacing for me – trying to remain composed, struggling to honor Bella's requests of me. Every instinct inside of me wanted to run to her side, embrace her and explain all of the reasons why this wasn't a good idea, why we couldn't do this, why this would be the worst possible decision we could make.

This was the worst case scenario on my list of possibilities.

"Before any of you object – please listen to my reasoning… I've been contemplating this for a very long time, long before anything… _happened_ to me. When I first knew what Edward was, when I knew that we were created for each other, it seemed only logical that I would be like all of you, one day. I didn't have a timeline for when I wanted it to happen, but I imagined it would be a decision we made together. Of course, I found out last year that Edward wouldn't be willing to have that happen at all. It was the last thing he wanted. But that didn't change anything for me. I still knew, in some part of myself, that I would be one of you one day. And then Edward left. And even then… I was _still_ sure. I could feel it in my body. I could sense it in my soul…"

I couldn't listen to anymore. There was a fury bubbling inside of me at the thought of Bella giving up everything to become one of us, effectively becoming a monster.

She spoke of her soul, but she didn't realize that becoming one of us meant she would no longer have a soul.

"Enough." My voice was hard and sharp, ringing with finality. There was an unintended harshness to it that I'd failed to keep in check.

Bella jumped, obviously startled by my outburst. I watched her, noting that she sunk slightly, her body shrinking down into the seat as her eyes softened and her lips quivered.

"This isn't up for discussion, Bella. This isn't what you want." I intended to say more, but I worried I wouldn't be able to speak without unleashing the fury inside of me again.

"Edward!" Alice stood from the table, her eyes locked on mine as she cast expletives my way through her thoughts.

"Quiet, Alice. This isn't for you to decide. You need to stay out of it and mind your own business – for once."

I heard Jasper growl from across the table but he didn't need to intervene because as quickly as I had spoken Alice had hurdled her rebuttal back at me.

"What makes you think you get to make this decision for her? What makes you think that it's your right?"

"Because I know what the consequences are! And Bella doesn't. She's trapped in some sort of illusion where becoming one of us means becoming a superior creation. She doesn't realize what she's giving up!"

Our voices were raised, but we hardly noticed – we were too consumed by the fierceness of the moment to register how this was impacting Bella.

"You aren't her keeper, Edward. You don't get to decide what Bella does with her life," Alice shot back at me, her eyes growing darker in her intensity.

"That's ENOUGH!"

Carlisle's voice was low, nowhere near a shout, but it was booming and commanding. Alice and I stopped speaking immediately, all of our attention diverted to Carlisle.

"Both of you need to shut up!" A sense of shock filled the room as everyone present was so unaccustomed to hearing Carlisle speak in such an unrefined manner. He stood from the table and walked to Bella's side, and that's when I realized what was happening.

Bella's head was resting in her hands and her lips were quivering as her body pulsed with anxiety and fear.

The look of terror in her eyes winded me.

She was _petrified_ of us. And she was crying as she rocked back and forth in her seat.

"Bella, dear." Carlisle knelt by her side, his hand coming to rest on her upper back as he rubbed small, soothing circles across her shoulders.

"You're safe," he cooed, repeating it over and over again, his voice softening with each syllable he uttered.

The room was completely still. We were unmoving, very much resembling statues as we watched Bella and Carlisle interact, sharing an exchange that was spectacular beyond description.

"Bella, love," I started but Carlisle's hand flew up, stopping me dead in my tracks before I could speak another word. I listened to his silent command, realizing that I'd failed Bella in this moment – I'd allowed my anger to cloud my instinct to protect her and I'd made her feel so very unsafe in my presence.

"Why don't you all give us some space?" Carlisle suggested, "we'll meet you in the sitting room once we've had a few moments to decompress."

And though it sounded like a suggestion, we could all hear clearly in his voice that it was a command. And so we complied, each making our way to the sitting room and taking our respective places on the lounge chairs as we sat in waiting.

I could hear the sounds of Carlisle offering words of comfort, gently coaxing Bella out of her terror and panic and back into a realm of safety where she was met with his explanation of what had just happened.

She was confused at first, unclear about her surroundings which piqued her panic a bit more. Carlisle patiently walked her through the last hour, arriving at our home, finishing dinner preparations, eating, talking and finally, the moment where Bella had retracted from the present and fell back into her past in foreboding terror.

"Are they… are they…" she could barely string two words together as her voice shook.

"Are they angry with you?" Carlisle guessed, trying to complete her question.

Through Carlisle's thoughts, I watched her nod in silence, her eyes casting downwards as though she was overcome by profound feelings of shame.

"Not at all, my dear. I think you'll find that this family is filled with strong-minded individuals and that each of us cares deeply about your well-being. And because of that, we all feel so very invested in your future. What happened tonight was merely an example of that put into action. Alice and Edward clashed because they both care about you very, very deeply."

Bella seemed to calm somewhat with Carlisle's words. Her breathing slowed, her heart rate stabilized and the shaking that she'd be fighting against was nearly non-existent.

Several minutes later she and Carlisle emerged from the dining room, Bella looking absolutely worn and Carlisle looking renewed but aggravated. He shot a warning look my way and his thoughts contained a harsh reprimand.

I nodded in acknowledgment, grateful that he'd managed to keep his emotions in check long enough to prioritize what was best for Bella, especially when I was not capable. It was no small feat, especially considering where his mental state had been for the past several hours.

Carlisle helped Bella to her usual seat in the lounge across from the couch I was sitting on. She sunk into the seat and folded into herself, her body so slight and frail that the overwhelming fabric seemed to swallow her whole. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her body was still shaking, though it was slight enough that it wouldn't have been noticeable to human eyes.

She sniffled, running her hand across her forehead as she cast her eyes downwards, purposefully avoiding me.

"Now," Carlisle started, with a new heir of authority in his voice "we will ALL listen to Bella, and then we will discuss this matter civilly, without any shouting or screaming, and we will behave like civilized people. Is that clear?"

The room was silent, but everyone nodded in unison, no one daring to cross Carlisle in this moment.

"Good." He turned to face Bella "now Bella, do you feel able to pick up where we left off?"

She nodded, pushing against the cushion to prop herself more upright as she spoke.

"I know…" she stuttered over the words, her voice still thick with her tears and her fear "I know this is hard for some of you to accept… but I've thought about this a lot… this isn't something I came to overnight. And with… _Paul"_ she choked out his name, her lips quivering as she spoke it and her eyes welling with tears, but she persevered "with Paul still out there, and no real way to guarantee my safety or yours… this seems like the best option. I want everyone to agree – I don't want to do this if any of you don't agree to it… I feel like that will only cause more trouble. And I wouldn't want to put any of you in the position of having something happen against your will."

She was quiet now, her fingers tangling together and she avoided looking up.

"Thank you, Bella. I know it must have been difficult to share that with us, to bring forward this request knowing how strongly some members of this family feel about this possibility. I'm grateful for your honest and for your courage." Carlisle's voice was the softest I'd heard it in days, though the thoughts inside of his head didn't even remotely resemble the words he was speaking aloud.

"I can't imagine how hard this had been for you, Bella. I'm only glad that you've started to regain some trust in us. This is a huge decision, one that I know you haven't taken lightly. And with that I want you to know that I support you, and I will support you in any decision you make – this is no different." Jasper's voice was confident and clear, and I could tell from his thoughts that he chose to respond first because he'd hoped he could ease some of the anxiety and tension Bella was feeling by offering his support.

He apologized from within his thoughts but didn't dwell on the matter any longer. He'd made his decision and he was unafraid to stand by that decision.

"I'm in, Bells! Hell, you already know I consider you family and if this is what you want, I'm all for it! I knew it would happen sooner or later." Emmett smiled at Bella, his words genuine and true.

Internally, I was screaming in rage, struggling to maintain myself in front of Bella and my family because I was slowly watching this crumble so far outside of my control that I wasn't sure I could reign in back in.

Still, I depended on Rosalie to be on my side, to agree with me. She'd always been disturbed by the thought of someone voluntarily electing to live this life, and I imagined that Bella would be no different. I could hear Esme warring with the various parts of herself as she tried to pick the situation apart in a way that was most logical, most just and most fair to Bella.

"Of course, dear. I trust that you've thought about this deeply. And if you have, and this is still what you want, then I support you. I'd only ask that you give us some time to plan this, together. Let us make sure we do this in the best way possible so as not to make matters worse in any way. That's all that I ask and you have my unwavering support." Bella glanced up and met Esme's eyes for a moment, silently conveying her gratitude for Esme's support.

Meanwhile, my frustrating was mounting considerably. I was growing angrier and angrier with each passing second and listening to the thoughts of my family members wasn't helping.

Several more minutes passed and in those minutes Alice and Carlisle had already agreed, and those only voices left unheard were mine and Rosalie's.

I remained quiet, allowing Rosalie to speak first.

"This is hard for me, Bella. Not because I don't want to support you… and not because I don't understand. But because I can't imagine anyone choosing this life for themselves. I can't imagine making that decision myself, all those years ago after what happened to me… When I think about it now, I'm positive if I'd been given the choice, I would have said no if I truly understood what it meant to be a vampire."

Rosalie paused, her shoulders rising and her chest inflating as she inhaled deeply, taking a moment to collect her thoughts as she did.

And in that moment, her mind changed. Her thoughts shifted and she had an intense revelation.

"I'd started off thinking I would say no, that I didn't agree. I would place my vote for you the way I would've for myself had I been given one. But I've only just realized that you and I have endured similar pain, but the difference is that you do have some understanding of what it means to be a vampire. And still, this is the choice you'd make. That alone wouldn't have been enough to convince me before, but now… after everything you've been through… I think you've earned the right to the haziness that comes with being one of us. Your human memories will become foggy at best, almost nonexistent at worst, and for you, I can see how that might actually be ideal. And maybe you'll get to take matters into your own hands, just as I did with Royce and his gang."

I growled involuntarily, lunging toward Rose but was immediately stopped by Jasper's outstretched hand, dragging me back. And I was in control enough to pull myself back into reality as I made no attempt to resist Jasper's efforts.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my eyes settling on Bella's quivering form "can I speak with you alone, Bella?"

"Of course," she whispered, her eyes landing on my own and I was sure in that moment she knew what my answer would be.

I watched as my family filed out of the room, slowly, each of them eyeing me, cautioning me from within their thoughts to tread lightly and be gentle with Bella.

It was heart warming to know that they were all so protective of her, that they cared for my mate deeply, and were bonded to her in very real and intense ways. But my gratitude was far overshadowed by my anger. I felt betrayed like my trust had been destroyed by the people I called my family. Could none of them see what I could see? How could they agree to this when it was surely a rash decision, one that Bella hadn't given enough thought, because how could she?

She was governed by her fear and trauma. Why were they so blinded to that reality?

I moved to Bella's side, pulling up a chair next to hers, moving carefully so as not to startle her.

"Bella?"

She nodded but avoided eye contact.

"I'm sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I understand that it must have been frightening, and I'm sorry that I didn't consider how it might have affected you."

"It's ok." She nervously pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, still avoiding eye contact.

"I need to know something, Bella." Finally, her chin raised and she found my eyes, holding there as I spoke.

"Why do you want this?"

Her eyes glimmered with tears, catching the light and reflecting the brilliant shades of light that were casting down around her.

She stayed quiet, delving deep into her thoughts as she considered my question. Her teeth caught on to her bottom lip again and refused to let go as she repeatedly pulled the raw looking flesh into her mouth, biting down in what had become a nervous habit.

"I'll never be the same," she explained, her head falling and her shoulders slouching as she worked very hard to keep the quiver out of her voice "and nothing will ever be the same for me again. I… I don't want to see him anymore, Edward. I don't want to see him instead of you whenever we touch. I don't want to feel him burning against me as a new normal. And I don't want to be trapped in the endless loop of my mind as I try to eject him from my memories. I don't want to think about the little life that was growing inside of me, that I had to put an end to because I couldn't cope with what that meant for me… or for us. _I don't want to feel him anymore…_ " she inhaled, swiping a hand across her cheeks as she tried, and failed, to catch the tears that were falling.

"I don't want to feel him… _inside_ of me… because sometimes it's all I can feel. I want to forget, Edward. And I want to be with you – forever. I'm not sure of anything anymore, but I'm sure of you, and I'm sure of this decision."

Her words struck a chord with me as I considered what she was telling me. I knew things were hard, but hearing her giving life to these feelings, for her to share them with me, it was crushing and devastating.

I knew he governed most of her waking thoughts, and that her memories and flashbacks were visceral and manifested in very physical ways. But I hadn't realized how much thought she'd given this arrangement.

And still, I was left with the same conclusion. I was left in the same place.

This was too soon, and I feared she'd regret it one day. I feared she hadn't fully considered the ramifications, or that she hadn't truly understood what this would mean for her life and for those that loved her that she'd had to say goodbye to.

"No."

I tried to keep my voice soft, but I knew that I had to be unwavering and formidable. I had to ensure that she could sense no faltering in me because if she could, she might persist.

"What?" She looked at me, incredulous and unbelieving.

"I can't agree to this," I explained, trying to remain resolute.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think you truly understand what you're asking, and I think that your grief is in control of your decision making right now. I think you need to give yourself time and space to truly consider what this will mean for you and the people you love. And you have to know that our family is more than capable of protecting you, Bella. You don't need to become like us to make sure you're safe. We'll protect you always, no matter what. Maybe one day this will be the path we take, but for today, I can't agree to anything that takes away your soul… not when you're under duress."

Suddenly Bella's hand was raised in the air and flying toward me, palm splayed and open as she tried to connect with my face. She intended to slap me, but my reflexes were far superior to hers and before she could land against the diamond-like hardness of my face I'd caught her hand mid-air, surely saving her from a broken hand.

She looked even more enraged now.

"Bella," I whispered, trying to convey calmness and rationality in my voice.

"Don't!" She shouted, her voice sharp and unforgiving.

"Bella, please."

"No," she ground out, burying her face in her hands and she growled in frustration "here you are gain, Edward, thinking you know what's best for me, making decisions for me without even considering what I want."

"I've considered it, Bella. And I'm not trying to make decisions for you. I'm trying to help you see the gaps in your logic."

She flew to her feet, running towards the door in a fit of anger.

"So I'm illogical now, am I?"

"That's not what I meant." I stood and walked over to the door, but her hand flew out in front of her, signaling for me to stop.

"Leave me be, Edward. I want to go home now."

"Don't go, Bella. I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye on this, but I don't want it to fracture our relationship."

"Too late. I trusted you, Edward. I trusted that you saw me as more than a silly little girl who needed your protection and saving. But you don't. And the logic that made you say no today is the same logic that made you decide to leave me months ago. I won't sit around and let that happened to me again. So. Take. Me. Home!"

She was shrieking now, her anger rife and uncontrollable.

I nodded, acquiescing to her demands because they were massive and consuming in this moment, and it was evident that nothing I could say would help her calm down.

"I'll get your stuff and then we can get going."

"Actually, have someone else drop me home," she demanded, still avoiding my eyes.

"Bella, you know that I can't leave you unattended. For your safety…"

She nodded, agreeing.

"I know. But I don't want to endure the car ride home with you. Someone else can take me and you can all figure out the rest."

"I'm sorry," I offered, knowing it would be meaningless to her right now.

"I'm only sorry I can't be alone. That I can't be away from you right now. If I could… if he wasn't still out there… and if I wasn't terrified of what he would try to do to me the moment I was alone I'd make sure I had as much distance from you as _humanly_ possible. I want you to hear me, Edward. Stay as far away from me as you can. Don't try to contact me unless it's a matter of safety… or life and death. If you can't respect any of my wishes, at least try to respect that."

Bella's anger was consuming. I understood her its origins, but I couldn't fathom why it had grown to such magnanimous proportions. She was overall a very rational person and if anything she as prone to underreacting to bad news, not overreacting.

Carlisle and Alice immediately volunteered to drop her home, and Jasper and I wouldn't be far behind. The four of us would remain outside her house to keep watch while Emmett and Rosalie scoured the area for signs of Paul. Esme would remain at home and keep an eye out there.

As soon as Carlisle, Alice and Bella pulled away in Carlisle's car, Jasper approached me.

"She's pretty angry, isn't she?"

I nodded, not in the mood for small talk but desperate to hear Jasper's evaluation of her emotional state so I could gain a better understanding of her reaction tonight.

"She's not just reacting to you, Edward."

I leaned against the banister of the staircase, my eyes trained on him as he spoke.

"Her emotions are a combination of lots of different things. Some of it's you, but mostly it's just anger she's had brewing inside of her since this mess started. She's real hurt and she's real angry. And she's very scared. It's the first time she's actually allowed herself to feel those feelings since it all started happening."

"Will she come around?"

"Eventually," Jasper mused, opening the front door, gesturing for me to join him. In no time we had taken to the forest and were running towards Bella's home to meet Carlisle and Alice there.

"So her anger… it isn't just because I wouldn't agree?" I questioned as we ran, picking up on Bella's scent the closer we veered to the highway.

"No, it's not. Although, that made her mighty angry, too. Mostly she's just… angry. And she's been in shock for so long that I don't actually think she's had a chance to feel any of that anger."

I thought about his words for a few moments longer, allowing them to sit long enough to really settle into my consciousness.

"What do I do?"

"Let her be."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I understand why you said no. I get it. If I were in your position, I might say no, too. I feel confident in her decision, but I think the rashness of it is because she's trying to run away from this. Still, I don't think she'd regret it, I just think it's sooner than it needs to be. Alice is sure of her decision…"

I faltered slightly at his admission, falling a few paces behind him but quickly catching back up.

"What do you mean Alice is sure?"

"I shouldn't say much more. Talk to Alice."

I tried to search through his mind, but could only catch glimpses of what he was alluding to.

"Stay out, Edward." He warned, eyeing me seriously.

I stayed silent for the remainder of the run until we arrived at Bella's house.

I found my usual spot in the tree near her window, pressed against the furthest branch so as to avoid being seen. I listened to the sounds of Bella inside the house. Charlie was home and they were chatting, though I could hear that Bella was trying to keep the conversation brief.

She had started to make her way upstairs shortly after 9 pm and as she did Charlie muted the basketball game and called out to her.

"Bells?"

"Yeah, dad?" She called back, her voice tired and sad.

"Uhm… make sure you lock your bedroom window, alright?"

Charlie couldn't have heard, but I did. Bella's hand flew to her mouth and she shrieked into her fists, a sob ripping through her body. She fumbled the rest of the way upstairs and as soon as her door opened I could see her again. She gently shut the door behind her, and then she collapsed against it, sliding down the door as she yelped in pain, clearly ignoring the protest of her body as she sunk to the floor.

She remained there for a very long time, sobbing against the door as she eyed the window, her eyes filled with terror as she did.

I couldn't understand why Charlie's comment had brought her such anguish. I desperately wished I could read her thoughts, but alas, her mind remained silent to me.

Jasper and Alice were standing at the flanks of the house, watching both East and West while Carlisle stuck to the back, holding the Southern tip and guarding from there.

I sought out Jasper's thoughts, trying to see if he could get a read on Bella's reaction.

 _She's afraid._ He explained. _As soon as Charlie said that she was overwhelmed with fear._

With Jasper's assessment, I knew why Charlie's suggestion elicited such fear – he had come into her bedroom through that window. He must have. Why else would she feel petrified at the mere suggestion?

It disturbed me deeply and I tried to push out my imaginative ponderings because my mind was traveling to very, very dark places.

And so I sat, perched on the branch, listening to Bella, unable to help, unable to understand what she really needed in this moment. Part of me wanted to go to her, but the other part was wary of making her think I wasn't capable of respecting her wishes. I knew that part of Bella's anger was the reminder I'd unearthed in her mind of the last time I made a decision for her… when I left her for months on end because I thought it was best for her. There was no way I would do that now, but I could understand why it had triggered such intense feelings for her.

Eventually, Bella pulled herself up off the ground, not without great pain and difficulty. There were several moments where I'd wanted to run to her, but I heard Carlisle's chastising me from his mind, and Alice showing me flashes of how Bella would react if I did that. And so I stayed put, knowing that I had to respect her boundaries right now even if it didn't feel like that's what was best for her.

I listened as Bella pulled her clothing off, being sure to avert my eyes as she did so, and then I listened to the sound of the tap turning on as she stepped inside the shower. I listened more carefully now, knowing what had happened in the past and remaining ever vigilant because I worried she might have the same experience she'd had last time.

But a few minutes later she emerged, wrapped in a towel before dressing herself in her pajamas.

She shot a few nervous glances toward the window, and then rifled through her bag, finally producing her cell phone.

A few seconds later my phone was buzzing in my pocket. It was a text message from Bella.

 **I don't want to speak to you… but I just want to know that someone is out there…**

Was that why she kept glancing at the window?

 **I'm here. There's four of us keeping watch. You're safe, love.**

Bella read the message and her shoulders dropped as she exhaled deeply. She looked supremely relieved and before long she had climbed into her bed, pulling the covers up over her body.

She tossed and turned for a long time, her body restless as she groaned in pain trying to find a position that was tolerable. It was several more minutes before she fell asleep, and even in her sleep, her body was agitated as she tossed from side to side.

I knew what her nightmares sounded like before they even started. I could tell at just the slightest raise in her heart rate or the slightest incline in her breathing. Even from out here I could hear the telltale signs.

Every part of me wanted to go to her, wanted to be near her to help her through it, so much so that I clung to the branch of the tree to keep myself firmly in place. She had given me clear instructions: I was only to get as close as I needed to be in order to keep her safe. No closer. No deliberate or unnecessary contact.

It was torturous.

* * *

BPOV

" _You like this, don't you?" His hands were pressing against mine, digging my flesh into the stones of the ground beneath me, pressing my wrists against the sharp, jagged corners of the rocks._

" _Stop," I groaned, my head spinning as I tried to regain a sense of where I was._

 _Edward had been here, I remembered._

 _He had been here once, with me._

 _But he was gone now._

 _And in his place was this…_

 _Was him._

 _Forever._

My body flew upright from the bed, one hand gripping against my chest as the other hand flew out in front of my face. I inspected the hand that was outstretched before me, trying to see the cuts and bruises that he'd put there, trying to see the evidence of being on the gravel floor of the Cullen's driveway again.

But my arm was fine. My hands didn't have a single cut or scrape on them.

It had only been a nightmare.

I was panting, trying to catch my breath as I furiously swiped at the tears that were pouring from my eyes.

"It was just a dream, Bella. Get a grip!" I tried to talk myself down, but it was several long minutes before I had reached a state of calm again. My nightmares had become progressively worse since Edward and I had stopped talking, and tonight was the most vivid nightmare yet.

I took slow, deliberate breaths focusing on each inhale and exhale, trying to rid my mind of the images of Paul… of the feeling of his body.

And that's when I heard it. The distant sound of the melodies of a piano rang through the acoustics of the house. As I listened I soon recognized the notes as they ebbed and flowed, their haunting melody registering in my mind as moonlight sonata.

Edward was playing.

The sound was so magnificent, so breathtaking and mesmerizing that it drew me from my bed. I crept out of the room, finding the railing of the stairs in the dark, making my way down them as with as little noise as possible.

I followed the music, becoming more and more entranced as each new note rang out, dancing across the hallway, toward me, pulling me in, pulling me toward it.

I walked aimlessly, seeking out the origin of the sorrowful melody, knowing that at the end of it I'd find Edward. And that was exactly who I wanted in this moment. That was exactly who I'd wanted for these past two weeks. I'd thought of him often, aching to run into his arms with each emerging nightmare, with each emerging horror that awaited me in my day to day life. These past weeks had been unbearable, and my nightmares were bad as ever and I struggled with panic attacks multiple times per day.

But I denied myself the remedy to my anguish. Edward had hurt me, and I worried that trusting him would mean I would be setting myself up to be hurt yet again.

But in this moment, the burning in my body was consuming me. I felt like my flesh was melting away, like Paul's burn was eroding at my flesh, disintegrating it from the outside in. And the only remedy I knew of was Edward's body. It was the only thing that quelled the fire.

I moved faster now, less inhibited by pain as the last two weeks had afforded me considerable healing.

And finally, I found him.

I found the source of the mournful music. Edward sat on the piano bench, his fingers gliding across the keys as his hands made the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. Before I could stop myself, I was walking toward him. His back was facing me, his body hunched over the keys of the piano as he was totally engrossed in the music.

In a few short seconds, I was standing right behind him, absorbed in the music, too, swept up in its poignant glory.

But the burning persisted. It wasn't enough to just be close to him… I had to be touching him. I had to have every part of my body as close to his as possible. That was the only remedy for the fire that was tearing through me.

As if involuntarily, my hands came to rest on his shoulders.

The moment my hands landed on his shoulders, was the moment the music halted.

Edward lifted his hands from the keys and turned swiftly on the bench, his body facing mine now.

And in his eyes, I could see it.

He was burning too.

* * *

EPOV

I could hear the sounds of her tossing in her bed. I'd heard her wake up, hyperventilating and fighting herself off the brink of a panic attack. I listened while she pulled herself from the bed, walking down the stairs and through the halls toward me.

I kept playing. Giving her the freedom to decide what she wanted to do with this moment, fearful of interrupting her, or crossing the line or trampling her boundaries as I'd become so prone to doing lately.

But her heart rate kept piquing and the closer she got to me the more it raced until finally, her hands were resting on my shoulders.

My body was reacting before my mind as my hands lifted from the keys and I spun to face her. In her eyes, I found terror and her agony was so palpable it was painful. I could see it, swimming beneath her, living and breathing inside of her, consuming her.

Her small hands cupped the sides of my face as she pulled my head in toward her stomach. I allowed myself to be pulled, resting my face against her abdomen as I inhaled the scent of her, savoring her sweetness as her hands ran through the tangles of my hair.

She remained silent as she pulled my head away from her stomach, her eyes catching mine as she looked down at me.

I reached a single hand up, resting it along the space just above where her heart was beating.

It was calm and slow.

I was reminded of how profoundly my touch impacted her body.

Under the weight of her hands, I could feel how she affected me, my limbs felt as though they had been set aflame, a ravaging, euphoric fire had been igniting inside of me from the moment her body made contact with mine. Her ethereal beauty sending me over the edge, as I was completely ravaged by the sight and feeling of her.

I examined her, noting her hair which fell in loose waves, framing her thin, round face. Her eyes were glowing with a desperate light, her body wrapped in an aura of affection. She was wearing a thin, cotton, white night shirt that came to fall at her mid thigh. A few seconds later I recognized it as belonging to me and I eyed it carefully, looking up at her with questions in my eyes.

"It was the closest I could get to you," she whispered explaining why she was dressed in my shirt, her hand coming to rest on top of mine, situated right above the place where her heart was thundering with significant force in her chest.

She pressed my hand to her chest even harder, closing her eyes as a look of euphoria washed over her. I could see the relief flooding through her because for the first time in weeks she felt relief from the burning that consumed her body.

I watched her, awestruck by her beauty, suppressing a gasp as I watched her throw her head back, her lips parting as she allowed herself to be overcome with the relief of my touch.

And then she lifted her head, gazing down at me while a feverish look overtook her. Her eyes rested on mine as she pulled her full, bottom lip into her mouth. I recognized that right it wasn't the nervous gesture I had come to know it as. It was something _more_.

I recognized it because I felt it too.

The cold heat burning between us was transforming, pulling us beyond where we'd ever been before. The absence we'd felt for so long had turned into a massive crater, and it was all we could do at this moment to fill it with the feeling of each other.

There was no thought or logic or reason in this moment. There was only need. And desire. And it was consuming us, pulling us in and clawing us further and further into it's murky depths.

Bella's hand came out, pushing me back toward the piano bench and I didn't resist. Moments later she was pulling up the white cotton shirt so it sat bunched up on her hips, exposing her pink, cotton underwear to me along with her pale, pliable flesh.

Alarm bells were ringing loudly in my mind, but I ignored them. I'd craved her so deeply, and the distant part of myself that was still steeped in logic assured me that this wouldn't go very far, anyway.

And then she lifted her left leg up, hiking it over my lap as she rested it against my side, her other leg following suit as she maneuvered herself into a position that had her straddling me. Her mouth found mine in a fiery passion. Her soft, wet lips moving against the coolness of my own. The kiss persisted, deepening and intensifying as the seconds wore on.

Part of me was screaming, warning me to stop this because when the logical part of myself returned, it would regret this moment if it went any further.

But that was lost when she pressed her warm body, her heat, against me, every inch of our bodies pressed together as closely as they could be. My hands han been at my sides, for I was afraid if I allowed them to roam her body I would venture to places I shouldn't.

But as I heard her groan against my lips as our kiss grew more feverous, I could no longer help myself. I could feel every inch of her body, I could smell every inch of her, I could taste her lips against mine and I could feel the most private parts of her pressing against the most private parts of myself. It was overwhelming, consuming and worst of all, painfully pleasurable.

My hands found her hips, resting against the bare flesh of her as she rocked herself closer toward me, grinding her core against mine in a way that was so foreign to me and was only something I'd experienced in the depths of other people's thoughts.

But the pleasure of it was unfathomable. Nothing could have prepared me for the sensation. My heightened senses were able to distinguish every curve and indentation of her body as my mind recalled the parts of her I knew, and invented the parts of her I didn't.

Beneath my hands, which were gently gripping her hips, I could feel a thin sheen of sweat coating her body. Despite the coldness of me, she was still hot. She was fire, and I was ice. Where we should have expected a cataclysmic flooding, there was only glory.

My hands ventured along the shape of her, curving where she curved, dipping where she dipped until my hands were spread along her lower back, tracing the shape of her spine as her lips traveled across mine, growing more intense as I continued my exploration of her.

 _Stop this now!_ I warred with myself from the confines of my mind, urging this irrational and desire driven part of myself to turn back, but that part of me was so far back in the recesses of my mind I worried I might never conjure it again.

And she pressed on, her lips moving from mine, finding the most angled part of my jaw and traveling downwards from there. In the wake of her mouth, she left a blazing trail of heat that scorched into my body, transforming me and carrying me further away from the grave reality that was settling in around us.

Seconds later she was groaning and I realized that I had been the one to elicit such a sound from her. My hand's hand roamed unconsciously south from the small of her back so they were now resting on either side of her bottom, each hand pressing against the flesh so as to push her closer into me.

I felt drunk with the power – the power to make her coo such breathtaking sounds, the power to release her from the agony that had been locked inside of her, the power to carry her up and away from everything that had been governing all of her actions since this all began.

Drunk with the power of freedom.

Bella's hand reached down and around, snaking behind her own back as she grabbed one of my hands and placed it on her waist. She held it there, nudging it up, trying to wordlessly command my hand to the place she wanted it to be.

And so I obliged, moving up, and up until my hand came to rest on the place where her breast swelled outwards from her small frame. Her nipple was decidedly taut beneath the thin fabric of her white, cotton shirt, and I felt my control beginning to spiral at the sensation. I longed to rip the cotton fabric from her body and marvel at her nakedness.

But whatever decency was left inside of me chastised me, warning me to move slowly so as to ensure her safety.

She was gasping, her lips disappearing from my neck as she threw her head back, her lips parted and her mouth producing the most sensuous gasp of pleasure I'd ever heard in my life.

"Please," she groaned, her voice barely above the softest of whispers "please touch me, Edward."

I didn't understand. I was already touching her.

A few short seconds later I realized what she meant when she grabbed hold of my other hand, moving it downwards towards the waistband of her underwear.

"Bella," I warned, some unconscious part of me re-awakening at the suggestion.

"Shhh," she cooed.

"Bella," I groaned, struggling to articulate my thoughts because I wasn't yet sure which part of me would win the internal battle that was raging on inside.

"I can feel him there," she whispered "all the time. And I just want you… to feel you… to feel _your_ coldness instead of his fire." She rocked her body against mine and an involuntary growl erupted from my body. I glanced at Bella's face, wondering if the sound had frightened her, but she seemed encouraged by it.

My instincts were divided – part of me wanted to give her exactly what she wanted and needed, while the other part of me wanted to end this at once, knowing I'd already gone too far.

The hand that was resting on her chest moved downwards, trailing the length of her body, but what I felt beneath my fingers as I traced each one of her delicate ribs had me suddenly frozen in place.

Beneath the pads of my fingers, I could feel the bones of her ribs, and I could trace the outline of the fracture that was slowly fusing back together, gradually healing.

And then it was as if the floodgates had opened because my mind quickly flashed through the past few weeks, combing over every detail of every day, amplifying images of Bella's broken and battered body and how horribly she'd been injured.

She hadn't yet fully recovered. Hell, it had been only two weeks since she'd had a termination! And here I was, inappropriately pressed against her, contemplating elevating the intimacy of our relationship to a whole new level. And she'd barely healed from the ordeal she'd been put through.

I was flooded with rage towards myself and my lack of control, cursing the monster that lived inside of me that had allowed me to carry on this far to begin with. The anger that was boiling inside of me was intolerable.

In one swift motion, too quickly for Bella to register, I pulled her from my lap, placed her atop the piano bench and flew to the other side of the room, pressing myself against the wall as though it were magnetized to keep me there.

I looked back at Bella as she tried to comprehend what had just happened, crooning her neck in my direction as she struggled to make out the shape of me in the darkness of the evening. I took a moment to study her, noting how transformed she truly looked.

Her hair was in a disarray, still falling down around her face, but more disheveled now than before. Her lips were swollen and red and her eyes were wild and wide, a look of disbelief set in her face as she pushed back against her labored breathing, trying to equalize herself.

"Edward?" she breathed out slowly, turning to find me.

"Bella… I'm sorry," I offered, my voice straining against my guilt.

"Sorry?"

Her voice was tight and agonizing and I could hear the bubble of self-doubt that was beginning to form inside of her mind.

"I'm sorry for allowing things to get out of hand tonight. I should have been able to control myself much sooner."

"Control yourself?" She repeated back, clearly trying to gain an understanding of what was happening.

"Yes. I recognize that my behavior was out of line. Please accept my apology." I rushed through the monolog of things I wanted to say, cutting it short because in the distance I heard the sounds of Emmett, Alice, and Carlisle returning from their nightly watch. They would be here any minute and this wasn't an altercation I wanted them to happen upon.

Her eyes grew even wider as she struggled to capture my form with them through the darkness.

"You…" her eyes changed as a new understanding dawned on her, "you don't want me."

* * *

 **A/N:** Please, let me know what you think! This one was stewing in my brain for a very, very long time and it called to me whenever I had a moment of slience for the past few weeks. I worked on it a lot, reworking parts and pulling parts out completely. This was so, so necessary for the development of Edward and Bella and this story - so please bear with me!

I know my updates are happening less frequently, but I promise I'm not even close to being done with this story. Even if it takes me a little longer than I'd like, I'm fully comitted.

Now go and leave a review (please!) and let me know if you loved this as much as I did!

-mm


	23. Beginnings

Chapter 23 - Beginnings

It had been a glorious bliss, tangled in Edward's arms, my mind releasing the agony that it usually contained, long enough to allow Edward in and long enough to lose myself in the feeling of his hands on my body.

Everywhere his hands landed he left only pleasure behind. Where I was once used to pain, he relieved the suffering and replaced in with ecstasy with a simple touch. I knew what I needed from him – I knew what would help quell the burning that was raging on in the parts of me he'd never explored.

I needed his touch _everywhere._

And so I asked, and to my complete surprise, he was actually going to do it. He was losing control and I could hear it and feel it and it was electrifying my entire body.

His normally tight and precise movements were slower and more languid. Where he once would have remained rigid against my efforts, he was giving and pliable, moving in sync with my body, reacting to my touch, returning the touch ten fold each time. The occasional growl and the low moans that rolled out of him told me that this was as enjoyable for him as it was for me.

And then suddenly he stopped. Just as we were getting to where I really wanted to be he abruptly halted, placing me down on the bench before disappearing from my line of sight. Before long I found him pressed against the wall opposite me, though I could barely make out his shadowy figure in the dark.

"Edward?" I called out to him, unable to see him through the shadows of the night, waiting for his explanation.

"Bella, I'm sorry," his voice was rigid.

"Sorry?"

I couldn't understand what he was sorry about.

"I'm sorry for allowing things to get out of hand tonight. I should have been able to control myself much sooner."

Control himself? He's sorry for letting things get out of hand?

I couldn't make sense of those words, they were lost on me.

"Control yourself?" I questioned, searching for his eyes in the darkness of the night.

"Yes. I recognize that my behavior was out of line. Please accept my apology." He remained pressed against the wall, his palms flattening against it suddenly.

I understood now. It made sense.

He didn't want me.

He felt guilty for leading me on… for letting me believe that he enjoyed himself. He was repulsed by me and the thought of what Paul and done – where Paul had been. After all, Edward was still a virgin, still pure and untouched. And here I was, trying to mar him with my filth, trying to drag him down into the nothingness that was consuming me.

Of course he didn't want me.

"You…" I stuttered over the words, remembering a not-so-distant time where I'd said something similar and he had left shortly afterward, "you don't want me," I concluded, allowing my head to fall into my hands which were resting on my lap.

Edward sucked in a large breath of air, releasing it in one, long hiss before he darted to my side.

"Bella," he cooed, his lips inches from my ear, "that's so far from being true. That's truly the opposite of what I'm trying to tell you."

"But then… why?"

"Why don't I want this to go any further?"

I nodded.

"There are many reasons. But none of them have to do with you, love. Or my desire for you. Or my love for you."

I stood from the bench, desperate to put some distance between us.

"Then why?"

"Bella," he said, his voice echoing his warning.

"Don't do that!" I shrieked, throwing my hands up into the air in frustration.

"Do what?"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child! Stop treating me like I'm not capable of having a full, honest conversation. Stop keeping things from me!"

"I'm sorry," he offered, moving toward me in one swift motion.

I felt all of my vulnerabilities, the ones that I'd desperately tried to stuff into the darkness of my mind, crawling their way to the surface, bubbling out of me in an uncontrollable way.

"Why… why don't you want me, Edward?" I whispered, afraid of his reply.

"You honestly think I don't want you?" He was whispering, too. Which was unusual. He seemed panicked like he was trying to rush us through this conversation and it was infuriating.

"I know you don't want me. You're repulsed by me… is it because…" I hesitated, stumbling over the words because they were suffocating me, "do you think of him when you're touching me?"

Edward growled from across the room, and the sound was truly menacing. I didn't feel afraid, though, only intrigued.

"No. I don't," he ground out from between clenched teeth. He took a deliberate step away from me now, his hands balled into fists at his side.

"Well, what is it then? You can't stand the thought of where my body has been, can you? You can't stand the thought of having his seconds."

"Bella!" Edward roared, the sound rattled through my body, catching me off guard.

Before I could continue, the front door of the house noisily creaked open and the sound of chatter rang through the foyer, carrying into the living room.

I stiffened, and my eyes found Edward's. A panic was building inside of me at not knowing who was there – who had just entered. But Edward only looked annoyed, not alarmed, and that was enough to help me remain calm.

Sure enough, seconds later, Alice appeared as if out of nowhere, her hands resting firmly on her hips and her lips pulled into a hard line. Jasper materialized at her side seconds later, his expression displaying his obvious discomfort. He cleared his throat and glanced at Edward, a knowing look in his eyes.

Edward looked horrified for a brief moment and then he was at my side, his hands making quick work of unbuttoning his shirt as he pulled it off, helping me into it, buttoning it up far faster than my own fingers ever would have been able to. I was confused at first, but then realization dawned on me as I understood at least part of what was making Jasper look so uncomfortable.

"Bella, are you alright?" Alice's voice was gentle but her body language was anything but.

"I'm fine," I assured her, wiping at the tears that were rolling down my face.

"You don't look fine," she accused, cocking an eyebrow at Edward who rolled his eyes before turning away from Alice, darting to the other side of the room.

"Bella, why don't we head upstairs – maybe we can chit chat for a bit?"

I thought about saying no, but I was beginning to realize this might not be optional. Alice looked serious, and I could sense that Jasper was waiting to speak with Edward. And seconds later, when Carlisle walked into the room, eyeing me with a concerted look on his face, I realized the invitation Alice had extended wasn't at all optional.

"Fine."

I left the room with my arm linked in Alice's and I couldn't help but feel a bit badly for Edward. He looked frustrated, annoyed and honestly, a bit worried. Carlisle and Jasper were an intimidating pair and although I didn't fully grasp what was happening, I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience for Edward.

The moment Alice shut the door of her bedroom I assaulted her with questions.

"Why did you drag me up here?"

Alice eyed me, a wicked smile creeping onto her face.

"What about this is funny?" I shrieked, outraged that she found this apparently hilarious while it was torturous for me.

"We were out, checking in on things, taking our usual shift…" she started, climbing onto the bed, folding her long, thin legs underneath her slight frame "and when we were on our way back we overheard…" she trailed off, leaving me eager to know exactly how much they had heard.

"Overheard?"

"You and Edward," she clarified.

The dreaded, involuntary blush crept up from my neckline and settled in my cheeks. I was sure my entire face was flaming red, but it was beyond my control.

"Oh," was all I could manage in reply.

"It's ok, Bella." Alice looked pleased, excited even. A far cry from Jasper who had looked horrified and uncomfortable all wrapped up into one package of dread.

"What's going on down there?" I pressed, still not understanding why Alice had all but dragged me upstairs, effectively ending my argument with Edward before I'd gotten the answers I really wanted.

"Just a little chat between the boys, you know?"

"No, Alice. I don't know. So why don't you clarify it for me! Jasper looked like he was ready to crawl out of his skin and dig himself into a hole. What was that about?"

Alice chuckled, and to my annoyance, it sounded like the most pleasant of wind chimes blowing in a warm, afternoon breeze. I was annoyed with Alice; I didn't want to be roped into forgiving her because I was unable to resist her inherent charms.

"Jasper feels things, Bella. More intensely than most…" she trailed off, eyeing me as she waited for an understanding to click in my slow-processing brain.

I thought on it for a few seconds longer before it registered – and left me mortified.

"Oh god…" I groaned, collapsing onto the bed next to her with my face buried in my hands.

"Plus, you weren't exactly… appropriately dressed," she explained as she grabbed at the collar of Edward's shirt that I was wearing. I glanced down at myself, realizing now why Edward had wrapped me up in his shirt the moment Jasper set foot inside.

"Is that why Edward was acting so… strange… and rushed when we were arguing? He heard you guys coming?"

"Exactly."

"And Jasper could feel… our anger?" I was trying to piece together the last 15 minutes.

Alice chuckled, obviously finding my assessment comical.

"Not quite. It wasn't your anger he was reacting to. It was your lust." She looked at me and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Ugh!"

"It's fine, really. He's used to it. I just don't think he's used to it from you and Edward in such an intense dose."

"So… he felt it from Edward too?"

Alice rolled her eyes and nodded, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"Of course! Bella, I know that things are hard right now, and possibly confusing and overwhelming… but Edward loves you. He adores you. You are everything to him."

I let her words sink in. I let them wrap around me, lift me up and carry me away for a few short moments before my own personal cloud of self-doubt and pessimism returned full force.

"How much did you hear?" I was curious if she knew that he stopped in the midst of it all. That he darted to the other side of the room the moment I suggested we take things any further… And I wondered if she remembered that he'd once flown to the other side of the world to be away from me… because I wasn't enough.

 _Because I'm still not enough._

"We heard enough to know why you were arguing. And you have to understand, Bella, this is hard for Edward, too. So much has happened, and you've been through so much. He was reluctant before now because he's a gentleman and believes things should be done in a particular order. He's a turn of the century virgin, for crying out loud! But now… as much as you don't want them to, things _have_ changed."

Her words were like the edge of a serrated knife carving away at the scar tissue of an old wound. Agonizing. I felt the familiar ache rising inside of me, but I pressed against it, wrapping my arms around myself in a gesture of protection.

I shoved the resurfacing feelings deep down inside and nodded.

"Let me finish before you agree with me," Alice warned, eyeing me seriously "things have changed, yes. But not in the way you think they have. Edward isn't repelled by you, and he doesn't feel repulsed because of the things that have happened to you. He's apprehensive because you're still healing. Emotionally and physically. Those are two very serious considerations for him, as they should be."

I objected immediately, "but what if this is what I need to heal?"

Alice thought for a moment.

"I don't know. I have no experience in this area. I'm not as knowledgeable as I'd like to be. I can only reassure you that Edward's reluctance has nothing to do with whether or not he desires you because trust me, that isn't an issue."

I sat up suddenly, regretting the decision when a stabbing pain shot across my abdomen.

"See!" Alice pointed toward my abdomen and shook her head. "You haven't properly healed, Bella. And you have to be certain this is what you want."

I thought for a moment, realizing that my body was still aching. My bones were still hurting, my head was still fuzzy and my face still throbbed… not to mention that everything at the apex of my thighs was tender and sore.

"And if I were healed… would he change his mind then?"

Alice shrugged.

"I see a lot of different outcomes for that part of your future. They're a bit fuzzy sometimes, and they change _a lot_. Sometimes from second to second."

"Why do they change so much?"

"Because Edward changes his mind so much. It's one of the many reasons I know how torn he is right now. Physically, he desires you in ways I'm not sure you could even comprehend. But emotionally I think he's afraid."

"He's afraid of me?"

"Not of you, silly! He's afraid of hurting you. As he should be. He's done a lot of that in his life." A look of anger flashed across Alice's face, but subsided quickly.

"They're almost finished downstairs," she announced.

"What was that about, anyway? Carlisle looked angry."

"He _is_ angry. I don't want to say too much…"

"Alice," I groaned "it's not fair for all of you to continuously shut me out. I'm afforded no privacy at all while everyone expects me to be content with receiving half of a story every single time."

"Edward is on his way up here… _with_ Carlisle."

"What? Why?"

"You'll find out soon enough!" Alice jumped off the bed and tore across the room, hurtling open the doors of her closet as she frantically searched through them. Seconds later she produced a pair of navy blue shorts.

"Here, put these on," she said as she flung the shorts across the room and into my lap. I nodded, grateful she'd had the foresight to spare me the humiliation of standing in front of Carlisle half naked for the second time in one evening.

Alice sat down next to me, helping me slide into the shorts before gently resting me back down on the bed. Her hand ghosted over a fading bruise that was on my upper thigh. The nasty shades of blue had faded and in their wake was a honey-coloured hue of a bruise, the edges sprawling outwards into the shape of a handprint.

Her eyes met mine for a moment, sadness filling them and threatening to pour out of her.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, flinging her arms around me one second, and then withdrawing the next as she angled her body towards the doorway in anticipation.

Sure enough, a gentle knock sounded on the door, startling me despite the softness of it.

Alice looked at me, nodding as though to defer to me.

"Come in," I said almost inaudibly, knowing that they'd hear me all the same.

The door opened to reveal a worn looking Edward and a serious looking Carlisle.

The dull ache that had been brewing inside of me lifted at the sight of Edward, proximity to him bringing me an overwhelming measure of relief. I exhaled and sighed, not realizing how much tension I'd been holding inside of me until this moment.

"Hello, Bella," Carlisle smiled, his warm, liquid-honey eyes soft at the edges as he appraised me.

I nodded and smiled, overcome with a feeling of awkwardness, especially now that I knew just how much Carlisle must have overheard. I glanced at Edward, confused by the expression on his face, noticing how tightly his jaw was clenched as he folded his arms across his chest.

"I wonder if you and I might have a moment to chat alone?"

"Sure…"

"Shall we head to my office?"

"That would be fine," I agreed, standing to my feet with some help from Alice. I sauntered past Edward who glued himself to the doorframe as soon as I started walking in his direction. As I left the room I looked back at Alice who had a smile on her face that seemed to be growing more obnoxious by the second.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"Well. That was something, wasn't it?"

"Quiet, Alice."

"Oh c'mon," she pressed, patting the space on the bed next to her, encouraging me to sit. I declined, preferring my spot against the wall.

A few more seconds passed and the jovial look on Alice's faced gradually faded.

 _In all seriousness, Edward. Are you alright?_

"I'm fine," I snapped back, shocking myself at the harshness of my tone.

"He's only trying to help," she explained.

"I know that. He cares deeply for her, and I can't be angry with him for that."

"But you think he's out of line?" Alice questioned, her confusion evident.

"No. I think _I_ was out of line. And I think Carlisle was right to set me straight."

"Don't take Carlisle to heart, Edward. He doesn't understand –"

"He understands perfectly well," I interrupted Alice, unwilling to listen to her soften the blow of this reality for me. She was accustomed to coddling me, but I wouldn't allow it – not this time.

"He understands some things, but not everything. He doesn't get to see what I see." Alice tapped her index finger against her temple, her eyes filled with wonder.

But I did. I could see Alice's visions the moment she had them. I could see how abruptly they faltered and shifted and changed. And in this moment, it had me shaken.

"It's precisely what you see that has me disturbed."

"Why? Because you see small glimpses of possible future outcomes that don't even end up coming to fruition anyway? And then you take those few seconds of murkiness and interpret it as absolute clarity!"

"It is what it is."

There was nothing more to say. It was true. Alice's visions were no mystery to me. When Alice, Jasper, and Carlisle came close enough, I could see Alice's visions bouncing around in her mind, shifting and changing by the second as an array of possible futures fanned out in her mind's eye.

She saw this moment coming, and she did nothing to warn me. Which wouldn't have been as frustrating were it not for the various endings that accompanied the vision of Bella and me together on the piano bench.

In one version, Bella and I took things further than I could have ever imagined, each of us continued exploring one another tenderly before the return of my family caused us to stop, no harm done to either of us. In another version, I stopped before Bella ever climbed onto my lap. In another, Bella's body was no longer pressing me against the piano as I had flipped our positions, laying her across the bench, hovering over her body as I kissed her with abandon. And in that version I saw myself losing all possible control, shredding her pink cotton panties in my hands, burying myself inside of her with fervor as my teeth found the beautiful blue vein on her neck that pulsed with her life-force. That version ended with me and my teeth buried in her.

"You saw this coming," I accused, turning away from Alice to try and reign in some of my anger.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you warn me?"

"There was nothing to warn you of, Edward. I didn't see the complete vision… just that Bella would come to you while you played piano tonight, and that there would be a certain level of intimacy between you two. It wasn't until we were in the middle of making our rounds that I was assaulted by the flicker of possible outcomes. And when that happened I headed straight home to listen from afar and make sure nothing went awry."

"To make sure nothing went awry?" I was shouting now, unable to reign in the anger any longer "you saw me _murder_ her, Alice!"

"It was one possibility of many, Edward. And it was the least likely. It was the dullest and it came and went way faster than all of the others. You would have been ok. I saw that you would have been fine."

I didn't believe her. She was trying to find a way to assuage my guilt. I wouldn't allow it.

"Don't try to make any of this more palatable for me, Alice. You saw me murder Bella!"

"But I also saw you two share a new level of intimacy, too. You might see my visions, Edward, but you don't feel them. Not like I do. You can't feel how nuanced they are, or their relevance in my mind simply by seeing them second hand through me. My visions range from solid to murky, a whole spectrum in between. The visions of you hurting Bella were weak, hard to grasp and fleeting. They weren't substantial. But the vision of you and Bella finding solace and _healing_ in one another was powerful. It stopped me dead in my tracks the first time it came into my mind."

I was in awe. I'd heard Alice describe the complexities of her visions before, but never in context. This explanation paired with the array of visions I'd seen in her mind gave me a new insight into how she experienced them.

Still, it did nothing to quell the darkness burning inside of me knowing that there had been a possibility, however slight, that I could have harmed Bella.

"What made you stop?"

I angled my body away from her, unsure about how much of mine and Bella's intimacies I wanted to reveal. I eyed her carefully, weighing my options. I'd been stewing inside of my mind for so long now that I was sure I was starting to go mad. When you relied on your mind and only your mind to process everything happening around you, it started to do strange things to you.

When I'd been away in Rio, isolated for months on end without so much as a whisper to another living creature I'd felt similarly. The moment a thought entered my mind it would twist and unravel, darkening and becoming muddled and unclear as it filtered through what had become a very narrow understanding of the world around me. It would transform and I would no longer be cognizant enough to be sure if I could understand what I was seeing and feeling. It had served as a convenient distraction when I was desperate to suspend my thoughts and forget about Bella, but now, in this moment, it was infuriating.

"She wanted it to go… _further_ … and I almost agreed. Then, as I was running my hands across her ribcage I felt it." I folded my arms across my chest as I continued to be intentionally obtuse.

"Felt what?"

"I could feel where the bones of her ribs had been fractured – I could feel where they were starting to heal."

"Oh."

Alice was speechless, a rare occurrence and indeed a memorable one.

 _My god, she's suffered so horribly…_

Her thoughts were filled with dread and sadness, comparable to my own. And we both sat quietly, contemplating the happenings of our own minds for a few short moments.

"I take Jasper for granted," I declared. Alice looked at me, obviously puzzled. "He really makes unbearable things more tolerable. Had it not been for his influence I would have been a lot angrier with you and much less willing to listen to Carlisle's lecture."

"He's pretty great, isn't he?"

I nodded.

"So, what was the lecture about?"

"You already know," I was bored of this conversation now, but I was trying to respect Bella's privacy as she spoke with Carlisle, and carrying on my own conversation with Alice served as a useful distraction, making it slightly harder to overhear the conversation they were having a few rooms over.

"I caught bits and pieces but I was _trying_ to mind my own business. I realize that's a foreign concept to you, but I've gotten pretty good at it!"

I glanced at Alice's small frame bouncing with excitement as she sat cross-legged on her bed. And for the moment I was overcome with gratitude. Throughout everything, Alice's devotion to Bella had never faltered. Bella and I were surrounded by people that were wholly dedicated to her healing and to ensuring her safety. It was a blessing beyond measure. One that I had an unfortunate habit of taking for granted.

It had been weeks and everyone's lives had been upturned by guard shifts and perimeter checks, not to mention how troubling it was for most of my family to be colluding with wolves all of the time. Alice steered clear of them, though. For whatever reason, they all impacted her just as Paul had. She wasn't able to see anything when they were around – just radio silence. We relied heavily on Alice's visions to ensure Bella's safety, so it wasn't an option to have the wolves anywhere near our home or anywhere near Alice.

"I felt like I was being scolded by Bella's father for taking advantage of his daughter."

"Don't be dramatic!" Alice squeaked, looking enthralled as I recounted the conversation.

"It started off that way, at least. He demanded to know what happened, and once I explained that this all happened at Bella's initiation he seemed to calm somewhat."

"Why would Carlisle expect any less of you, though? Did he actually think you would have initiated anything with Bella?"

"I don't know. He's not been himself lately. I think he's struggling to come to grips with everything that Bella's been through, and as a result, it's put him into a state of hyper protection. And he had every right to worry, Alice. We both know that what almost happened tonight – regardless of which version of your vision would have been the ending, it can never happen again. It's unsafe for Bella."

Alice scoffed, her eyes widening as an angry scowl crept up on her face.

"Is that what Carlisle told you?"

"No. But it's true."

"Is that what he thinks?"

 _No._

But I didn't want to share that with Alice. I didn't want to have to endure her pressing me any longer. My mind wouldn't be changed. Bella's safety was paramount to me.

"So what did he say?" She pressed. I stared at her for a brief moment before walking over the bed, sitting down sitting directly on the space she'd patted a few minutes ago.

"He reminded me that Bella's body hasn't physically healed well enough… for certain activities."

The conversation with Carlisle had been mortifying, and reliving it here with Alice was only compounding that feeling. I could appreciate Alice's investment in mine and Bella's relationship, and although she wouldn't admit it aloud, I knew she experienced a certain level of anxiety about how I would react to the various stages of Bella's healing. Somewhere, deep inside of her, Alice worried that I might leave again.

And no matter how much I wanted her worry to be misplaced or outrageous – it wasn't. She wasn't wrong. Though it remained close to impossible at this point, there was part of me, somewhere deep inside, pressed down deeply inside of myself, that longed to leave. Some distant part of me still believed that I was responsible for Bella's suffering and that therefore the only solution to relieve some of her sufferings was to disappear from her life completely.

"Stop it!" Alice shrieked suddenly, as she flew across the room, pinning me against the wall of her bedroom in one, swift motion.

Alice's forearm was digging into my neck as she pressed all of her weight into her arm, effectively trapping me in place. I was stronger than Alice, without a doubt, but she knew how to manipulate her size and her core in order to alter situations to her favor. I could hear in her thoughts that she'd organized several routes of attack should I actually manage to dislodge her pointy elbow from my throat.

She was prepared. And she'd completely caught me off guard. Her grip was relentless, and she spared me no discomfort. She intended to hold me in place and she intended to make it extraordinarily uncomfortable for me should I attempt to resist.

Seconds later Jasper materialized in the room, looking alarmed but calm overall, and the very same emotions were exuding out of him. I watched Alice's shoulders slump at his presence, her grip on my neck loosening by just a fraction.

He came to stand at her side, placing a single hand against her arm, his eyes locked on hers and hers on his. They stood this way for a few seconds, silently communicating with each other.

I searched Alice's thoughts, trying to find the route of her anger, the route of her outburst. It didn't take me long to find it.

There, in the center and forefront of her mind was a blurred, distant vision of me, holding a boarding ticket in one hand and a carry-on suitcase in the other.

"Alice," I groaned out, struggling to formulate a sentence because of the pressure she had on my throat.

"How dare you?" She screamed, her face inches from mine while Jasper stood idly by and observed.

"What?" I choked out, finding her eyes and holding them.

"I saw you – you were leaving!"

 _Oh. She thinks I'm planning on leaving._ I realized.

"It was an idle thought. It wasn't serious and it wouldn't have come to fruition anyway."

"You're lying!"

"I'm not!"

At that she let up a bit more, releasing some of the pressure on my throat making it easier to speak.

"I saw you," she explained, shoving the vision at me through her mind's eye.

"I know. But that was just an idle pondering. It was never a serious consideration."

"Then why did I see it? Why is that thought anywhere inside of your head? How can you think of that as a possibility? Do you know what that would do to her? To us? To me?"

I softened at those words. Alice's protectiveness over Bella was the main driving force behind her anger, but so was her own protectiveness of herself. I'd failed to realize how horribly my departure had harmed Alice, too.

I was beginning to realize the depth of the mess I'd made, and how long it would be before I regained the trust of not only Bella but the rest of my family, too.

"All she wants from you is your trust, Edward. Once you trust her, she'll trust you too." To my surprise, it was Jasper who spoke the words of wisdom. I was eager to hear his insight. The deep fissure that had been growing between Bella and me since the conversation about her change had placed distance between me and my family, too. I had isolated myself from them, not realizing how hard it must have been for them to feel that isolation from me.

"What do you feel from her?" I was curious to know how she felt. I wanted some insight into her mind, and Jasper's gift was the closest I could get.

"She's afraid. She is constantly struggling with a painful cocktail of emotions. But right now she feels a great deal of embarrassment and uncertainty."

 _I need to be honest with her. Completely honest. No matter how hard it may be._

"Yes!" Alice released her hold on me entirely and backed away, clapping her hands together and smiling widely.

An image in her mind caught my attention.

Bella and I were sitting in her bedroom, on her bed, talking. Bella looked relieved – renewed.

And then, when the conversation was over, we kissed.

"Yes, Edward. Be honest with her. _Finally_. It's time."

I didn't say another word as I darted out of Alice's room, down the hall and toward Carlisle's office.

* * *

 **CPOV**

Bella sat across from me, her arms folded across her chest and her head bowed toward the floor. She was intentionally avoiding eye contact and there was a deep crimson blush that had settled into her cheeks.

She looked mortified, though I couldn't fault her for that. One of the many downsides of being a human amongst vampires was the inability to know when you were being overheard. I was sure Alice, Jasper and myself had heard far more than she ever intended.

"How are you doing, Bella?"

She shifted in her seat, her arms unfolding and coming to rest palm down on her lap.

"Fine."

She sounded far from fine.

"You don't seem fine."

I recognized that in this moment pleasantries and evasiveness would get me nowhere. I had a very clear purpose for this conversation and I wanted to be as honest as possible with Bella. She deserved my honesty.

"What do you expect me to say?" She exhaled slowly, deliberately, trying to brace herself for this conversation.

"I would imagine that you're very tired of people deciding what is best for you, Bella. And I would imagine that you're very tired of being kept out of the loop."

She looked up, finally meeting my eyes. A glimmer of hope shone in hers, and I knew I'd struck a chord.

"Yes." She spoke the word like a prayer, her eyes catching mine and staying there as she conveyed, without words, the complexities of the emotions she was feeling.

"I agree that things have gone too far. We've become too accustomed to treating you like you're barely surviving, like you're still on the brink of death."

She stiffened at my words, her back straightening, her head tipping downwards so she could see me more clearly. I had her full attention.

"On the brink of death?" She looked confused.

I realized how much we'd kept her in the dark, how little we'd allowed her to know and I was realizing how detrimental it might be to her healing.

"Yes. That's correct. When Emmett and Jasper first brought you to me, you were very nearly dead, Bella."

A small shudder rolled through her body but her eyes held mine, never wavering.

"Your sats were dangerously low, you weren't breathing well without supplemental oxygen, you had several severe rib fractures and you had lost an incredible amount of blood. I was worried your cheekbone had been shattered and that we might never fully repair the damage. The gash on your face was badly torn, and you had a mildly severe concussion."

Bella's eyes darkened and I could tell from her body language that my explanation had transported her back to the moment that had left her so badly damaged.

"Do you remember that?"

She thought for a moment, considering my question. And then she shook her head.

"Not really. I mostly remember waking up and screaming for Edward. I was afraid… I wasn't sure if I was really safe. I didn't understand what had happened…"

A deep ache rolled through me, catching me off guard as I struggled to remain composed. This was far harder than I could have ever imagined. Each moment of every day proved to be an incredible challenge, and I struggled to control my baser instincts that were constantly at threat of overtaking me.

I wanted to exact revenge for Bella, to keep her safe. My protectiveness over her was unparalleled. I'd never felt this way for anyone else, not even Esme. When I found Esme and changed her, she was immediately powerful, able to protect and defend herself. She wasn't weakened and I wasn't worried about her ability to defend herself if the need arose.

But Bella was human. A human that I loved as closely as one can love someone that is not from them. Bella was as close to a daughter to me as Alice and Rosalie, possibly more. She was younger and decidedly more fragile, and she came into our lives at a particularly turbulent time in her life.

Every instinct in me wanted to protect Bella at any cost. I empathized with Edward because I knew he shared similar feelings, but his love for her was unmatched. He was her mate. They were designed for each other.

I took great pity on him knowing what this must be doing to him, and it was astonishing to me that he was so well able to control his instinctive nature. It was profound.

"Your condition was very precarious, Bella. I wasn't sure you would pull through. And I want, to be honest with you about something."

Her eyes narrowed as she appraised me, I had her full attention.

"What?"

"Had your condition worsened, and had I felt you weren't going to pull through, I would have changed you myself."

Bella's shoulders, which had been pulled straight back, flattening her against the back of the chair, slumped forward, her head ducked down and a long exhale flowed out of her tired body.

There was silence between us for a while longer before she spoke.

"Thank you." Our eyes met and in hers, I found endless waves of gratitude and appreciation. The relief and appreciation she was exuding were overwhelming to witness.

"I'm not sure you should be thanking me, Bella. It would have meant changing you without consulting you. It would have meant removing your choice, not unlike what has already been done to you by others."

She smiled then, a small, whisper of a smile.

"No. You would have been respecting my wishes. You would have been making the choice for me that I would have made for myself if I could've. It's a small thing, but it's everything to me, Carlisle. Thank you."

I couldn't bring myself to say you're welcome because something about that didn't feel quite right.

"I'm sure you know that I have some awareness of what happened between you and Edward tonight, though my knowledge is limited. Is it ok if we speak about that for a few minutes?"

Her head dropped again but she nodded.

"You must be wondering… how can I stand it? You must be thinking that because of what happened to me I should be repulsed by the idea of… being physical with him… in that way."

"Not at all, Bella. I think you and Edward share a deep connection and being close with him brings you a great deal of peace and contentment."

She nodded.

"But it's not just that… Edward is the opposite of him. He's gentle, patient, kind, loving, nurturing… he's so gentle and so restrained that it sometimes drives me mad. But he loves me. And I feel that whenever I'm close to him. But then… then he just stops. _He leaves me_. He makes me think he's going to leave and not come back again and then I wonder if he really does love me. I worry that he stays out of obligation , because he's too kind and too considerate to harm a _pathetic_ human."

She exhaled, the familiar blush crawling back up to her cheeks. I could sense that she immediately regretted her honesty.

"That sounds like a very confusing internal monologue to be grappling with."

"It is," she agreed.

"I don't have very much more to say, because I understand that this is an issue of trust and it will take time for you to regain trust in all of us, but I wanted you to know that I understand, and even encourage, the direction your relationship is heading in with Edward. I know he feels very conflicted, having just spoken with him myself. Edward is an old soul, well beyond his 109 years of age, Bella. His only consideration is doing what is best for you. You must know that his reluctance has more to do with him than it does with you."

She remained quiet, listening to me while her hands stayed occupied by fiddling with the ends of Edward's white collared shirt that she was wearing.

"Now, speaking as your doctor, I must encourage you to hold off on the full extent of your physical intimacy. Your body is still healing; it'll need time to reach a place where it's safe to engage in intercourse."

The deep red blush settled on Bella's face deepened and her hands flew up to cover her face. She looked as though she wanted to melt herself into the fabric of the chair, and I couldn't blame her. This was an uncomfortable, but necessary, conversation.

"Give yourself another month and I think you should be ok."

I wanted to say more, but I could hear Edward walking down the hallway, heading toward my office.

"Thank you, Bella."

She looked up now, finding my face.

"For what?"

"For surviving."

* * *

 **BPOV**

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I lied.

Edward's hands were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel of his Volvo as he sped down the deserted, darkened road. There wasn't a single light for miles, save for the headlights of his car.

Lately, I liked the darkness. I liked the silence it brought with it, the rest, the absence of noise and intensity. In the darkness it was quiet and serene. And when I was with Edward, my fear wasn't nearly as amplified as it would have been if I were alone.

But here, in his car, as we sped down the highway in total darkness, I could sense a shift.

Edward had burst into Carlisle's office, his voice frantic and his face filled with light and vigor. He insisted that we speak, encouraging us to take the conversation elsewhere – somewhere more private. I was intrigued, but tired.

Still, there was no way I was going to pass this opportunity. There was no way I would be able to sleep tonight without hearing what he had to say. And I was so, so tired. I'd gone so many nights alone, without Edward by my side to ease the burden of my nightmares. And so I woke often, and whenever I woke it was in panic and fear, worried that I was still in Paul's grips, unable to break free.

I needed him close to me and I didn't care what was happening between us.

I needed him.

He remained quiet for the rest of the car ride. Once we pulled up to Charlie's house Edward darted out of the car, running to the passenger side door to open it for me, extending his hand to help me out of my seat.

"Is he awake?" I asked as we made our way up the front steps, heading toward the front door.

"Charlie is asleep, snoring quite loudly."

I took my time opening the door, removing my coat and shoes and setting them aside neatly before making my way upstairs. I was eager to know what was happening, but I was also nervous. If I stayed in my nerves, it was easy to find reasons to prolong the inevitable.

I changed out of my clothes before hopping into the shower. I had showered just that morning, but with images of Paul fresh in my mind I needed to do something that made me feel like I'd cleansed myself of his presence on my body.

I moved slowly, my mind raking through the possibilities. I dressed and didn't bother doing anything to my hair aside from running a brush through it. And then I went outside to face Edward, to get this over with.

When I saw him there, leaning against the wall opposite my bed, my heart fluttered wildly in my chest, my body clearly excited just by his presence.

He nodded toward my desk, where I found a saucer with two pieces of toast smothered in honey and tea cup right beside it.

I looked at him curiously.

"You haven't eaten for several hours, I figured you'd be hungry."

Though I was in no mood to eat I could sense that my body was famished. I felt a bit weaker than usual and my ability to process what was happening around me seemed to be dulled.

I grabbed the saucer and sat cross legged on my bed, eyeing the toast anxiously.

"Why are we here?" I finally asked, unable to bear the suspense any longer.

"We need to talk, Bella."

"Obviously," I rolled my eyes, annoyed at the obviousness of his statement.

"I've taken you for granted and frankly, I've been disrespectful."

I stopped mid-bite of my toast, my eyes glued to Edward as I was sure they were bulging out of my head in a wild-looking way.

"I've missed you. The distance between us has left a gaping hole in my chest, and it makes each day feel like an insurmountable obstacle. When I left you, every day felt like it would be my last. I felt like I'd torn myself in half, leaving the most important part of me half-way across the world. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced, second only to the day that I saw you close to death in my home after you were attacked."

My breath caught in my throat as I struggled to hold back my tears. The memory of that day was so vivid for me, and I'd only been conscious for some of it. I imagined the feeling was intense in more acute ways for Edward, who'd been conscious for all of it.

"Carlisle said it was bad," I agreed.

"Yes, it was. Truly. I've never witnessed Carlisle in such a state of disarray and uncertainty. He's a profoundly skilled physician, but even he had his doubts."

I had nothing to say, because the information was still ruminating in my mind. I was still trying to capture it and dissect it, bit by bit. It was much too large for me to hold on to in this moment.

"I should have never left you after the incident on your birthday, Bella. And I know it was wrong. I know it was the worst thing I've ever done; the most incorrect choice I've ever made. And yet I keep referring back to it. It's my point of reference for all of our interactions, because despite knowing it was wrong, somewhere inside of me it still holds some truth."

"What do you mean?"

"My desire to protect you is hardwired into me. It isn't something I can turn on and off at will. It's one of my most basic needs. And because of my own assessment of myself and my virtue, I keep returning to the notion that my being with you some how lessens your perfection. But it doesn't. There is nothing I can ever do that can dull your brightness, or change how truly magnificent and perfect you are."

"Edward…"

He raised a hand, silently begging me to allow him to continue.

"You are my everything, Bella. And no matter how reflexive my instinct to leave is, I will never give into it again. I promise you that. Not unless you ask it of me, not unless my leaving is what you desire."

I wanted to speak, but I couldn't. My mind had to consider his words, I had to let them soak for a while longer before I could speak.

I thought about the day he left me. I thought about falling to pieces, frantically searching through the thick brush of the forest, only to be met with the same landmarks over and over again as I chased the memory of him in full circle. I could still smell the damp earth, saturating my clothes. I could still feel the rain pelting down on me, drenching me in it's icy cold blanketing.

No measure of time could ever erase how that had felt. The loneliness, the loss, the grief, the abandonment. The months of nightmares. The sleeplessness. The absolute catatonia I'd entered when the reality set in that he wasn't coming back – that he possibly would never come back.

The familiar ache clawed its way through me, igniting the familiar acidic burn as it coursed through my body again.

I wondered idly if this would be like that last time. I wondered if he would make a promise, and then break it again as he had that day in the forest. Here he was, promising he would never leave. Would I chase him in circles again until I finally surrendered to the nothingness?

"You promised me it would be as if you never left…" my voice was unfamiliar and foreign to me. I replayed the words back in my mind, wondering who this voice belonged to. I found the answer in Edward's eyes when I realized the voice was my own, and the strangeness of it was the pain resurfacing.

"You lied… everyday, the absence of you was the most painful reminder that you had existed. It didn't matter that you took the pictures, or that you took the CD you made me, or that you'd stolen away any physical presence of you in my life… reminders of you were _everywhere_."

My hands were shaking, the painful hole in my chest was ripping open again, and the agony I had tried to bury was gushing out of me.

I'd unleashed the skeletons I'd tried to hide, and there was no way to stuff them back inside of me.

"And now I need you even more than I needed you before… because this deep, aching hole inside of me that started when you left, burst wide open when he touched me for the first time. And the only thing that makes the fire stop burning is when you're with me…"

"What I did… it's unforgivable," Edward's head was bowed, his entire being radiating with remorse and anguish.

"No," I countered, my voice rising with my certainty "there is nothing you could do that is unforgivable, Edward."

"You give me more than I deserve."

"You deserve happiness," I explained, placing the toast back down on the saucer, searching for his eyes which were burning with his self-loathing, "and so I want to know… do I make you happy?"

His head lifted and his coal-black eyes were swirling with passion.

"There aren't words for what you make me feel, Bella. You are everything."

I felt the familiar flutter bursting inside of me, the hole was filling back up, flooding with warmth and joy.

"I want to believe you…"

Edward was at my side suddenly, his body resting against the bed, so deliciously close to mine that I could feel the icy coolness of him pressing against me.

"Tell me how to fix it, Bella. Tell me what to do."

I looked at him seriously then, weighing the options in my mind. I knew what I wanted to do, but I was afraid of his rejection.

I inhaled, taking the icy cool scent of him into me, my body overflowing with relief at his proximity. And then my eyes were closed, and my lips were pressed together as I inched toward him, hoping I could find my mark without the benefit of sight.

I didn't need to move very far before I felt the hardness of his own lips pressing against mine, their firm, coldness sending electrifying shocks through me, awakening even the deadest parts of me. His hands found my face, as he held me in place, one hand moving as he brushed his fingertips along my cheek, trailing them down my jawline, stopping only to rest against my heart. His fingers thrummed against the space to the rhythm of my beating heart.

His lips broke from mine, but remained pressed against my skin as he travelled down my face, his lips following the same path his hand had just taken. His other hand came to find my own as he wrapped his fingers around mine, holding it in the palm of his hand.

His head lifted seconds later and his eyes were burning with the unbelievable intensity of his desire.

I believed him.

 _I believe him._

The feeling of being wanted was filling me, flowing through me, building up in the holes that I worried would never feel full again. His palms came to rest against my cheeks again with his face only inches from mine. I could smell, taste, feel him.

"I love you, Bella. And I want my forever to be with _you_."

"Forever?" My voice came out as a weak rasp, but I didn't care.

Forever. He wanted his forever to be with me.

"Forever," he confirmed, his voice laced with the headiness of his desire.

"Yes," I nodded. Forever was all I'd ever wanted with Edward.

"Marry me?"

The question rolled off his tongue effortlessly, like it had always been there, always on the tip of his mind, waiting to be called upon when the right moment came about. It was graceful, perfectly timed and placed, and unrelenting in it's authenticity.

Had this been 10 months ago, or even 10 weeks ago I would've had to give it a second thought. But right now, here in this moment where I felt the fullest I'd ever felt before, this question was perfect. This moment was exactly what I needed it to be. This certainty he was offering me, his version of the 'right' way, was everything I'd been searching for since he had returned. A guarantee, a promise, a formality. The highest form of dedication Edward could offer to me.

It was perfect.

I didn't need to think it through. I didn't need a second to mull it over.

"Yes," flowed out of me with ease, with a certainty that shocked even myself. I nodded against his chest as he pulled me into his arms, pressing me as close to his body as he could.

He placed delicate, small kisses on top of my head, breathing deeply as he inhaled the scent of me. I reached my free hand up and rested in along his jawline, holding there in a gesture I hoped would bring him comfort in this moment of challenge.

I moved away, looking up at him, wanting to see the look in his eyes now. Fiery lust was swirling there and before long his lips were crashing back down onto mine, an unusual abandon in his body. His full, hard lips were crushing against mine with the perfect amount of intensity and pressure. My lips moved in sync with his while my hands roamed along the sides of his body, travelling upwards before landing in his hair, tangling against it.

A low hiss rattled out of him and the sound only encouraged me further, a small groan escaping my now parted lips. My tongue darted out of my mouth, as I swiped it across his lips, tasting him. It was the most tantalizing thing I'd ever tasted, sending a shockwave of lust bursting through me.

His hands were gripping my hips, holding my body in place, though the action wasn't necessary. I was glued to him and I wasn't going anywhere. I slammed by body even closer against his, closing any distance that was between us as I pulled his lips against mine again, desperate for a closer connection.

He responded with eagerness, deepening our kiss while his hand came to rest in my hair, tangling in it's wild, unruly waves.

He removed a hand from my waist, allowing it to travel to the small of my back where he slowly dipped me down, gently laying me across the messy sheets of my bed. His hard body angled against mine as he climbed over top of me, his head falling against mine as soon as he was close enough.

His lips were on mine again before I could even register what was happening. I groaned loudly against him, my hands wandering down his body, resting on his hips. I slowly pushed up the cotton fabric of his shirt, one hand pulling the fabric while the other ghosted over the hard planes of his abdomen.

He hissed again and the sound only encouraged me more and so I gripped the bunched fabric, pulling it up and over his head as he helped me shrug it off. My hands roamed across his naked upper half, ghosting over the icy coldness of him, outlining the shape of his biceps, noting the ripples of his muscular forearms which were placed on either side of me, holding him above me.

"You're beautiful," I whispered, watching him lift his head from my neck where his lips had been smoothing across the column of my neck.

He eyed me carefully, travelling across my body, appraising each and every part of me in what appeared to be adoration.

"You are surreal, Bella."

Lust overtook me then, abandoning all logical thought I allowed my hands to find the top of his pants, looking for the button that clasped them together, holding them against his hips. I struggled with the button, trying to free it from it's place, desperate to feel more of him.

But I knew it was a hopeless case. As quickly as my hands started their work his entire body stiffened and he pulled his lips away from mine.

I exhaled, frustrating building inside of me.

He mirrored my movements, allowing his forehead to fall against my own.

"Not like this," he pleaded.

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't right…"

I stilled at this words.

"It's not right _yet_ ," he clarified.

"Then when?"

"I don't know… but I know your body needs to heal, and I know we need to discuss this before it happens."

"Why?"

"Because it's the right thing to do, Bella. I want this to be done the _right_ way."

"And your way is the right way?" My voice was brimming with vulnerability.

"I don't know anymore," he answered honestly, rolling onto his back while he swiftly pulled me against his bare chest.

"We're going to be married…" I whispered, hopeful.

He smiled, and it reached his eyes, much to my delight.

"Yes," he agreed, sounding thrilled.

I shifted against him, and the action brought forth a rush of pain in my midsection. I groaned involuntarily, the sound rattling against his chest.

"Bella?" Concern edged his voice, but I raised my hand, indicating I was ok.

"I'm fine…"

We stayed silent for a while longer, wrapped up in each other's arms.

And the realization struck me: I needed to heal.

I could feel how unwell and broken my body still was. It was healing, yes, but healing was the operative word. It wasn't healed yet, and it still had a long way to go. I didn't want this moment with Edward to be filled with reminders of Paul.

I wanted the bruises to be gone. I wanted my body to be free of it's daily aches. I wanted to no longer be a thin skeleton of my former self. I wanted my small curves to feel fuller again. I didn't want his hands to come to rest against the bony edges of what I had become.

I wanted our moment to be ours.

I didn't want it to be ours because I needed an escape, or because I needed reassurance. I wanted this with Edward because I loved him, because he filled my soul in indescribable ways. I wouldn't let Paul anywhere near that.

"I can wait."

Edward looked at me, surprise etched into his features.

"Bella?"

"I want to feel better…"

His eyes closed for a second, it looked like he was pressing against the pain the words had awakened in him.

"Yes," he agreed "I want you to feel better, too."

"And in the meantime we can work on planning a wedding…"

Edward cocked an eyebrow at me, his face filled with curiosity.

"Well… I'll amend that. In the meantime, _Alice_ can work on planning a wedding."

Edward laughed, placing a gentle kiss against my temple.

"Yes. She'll be overjoyed… but are you sure you're ready, Bella? There's no rush."

"I know. But I'm ready. I want forever with you, Edward. Now, or later, that fact won't change. We might as well make it known."

He smiled and the gesture filled me with warmth and happiness.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I want to know…"

He stopped before completing the thought.

"You want to know what?"

"Everything. I want to know what you went through when I left… what I put you through. I've witnessed some of it through Charlie's thoughts… but I want to hear from you. If you'll tell me."

I bit at my bottom lip, the thought sending waves of anxiety through me.

"I think it's important… I think it's a step toward rebuilding your trust in me."

I thought about that, wondering what in the world it would accomplish for Edward to know. Would it help anything?

"I want to know all of it. There's so much I don't know. I want to know what you've endured so that I might be better able to help you through it."

I was stunned. Did he mean that he wanted me to tell him about… Paul?

"Everything?" I asked, pushing back against the fear that was creeping up in my voice.

"Yes. If you'll share it with me…"

I remained quiet, needing a moment to think it through. I feared so deeply Edward knowing. Part of me clung to Paul and his threats – his promises that if Edward knew, he would never want me again… could never _be_ with me again.

But I was tired, too. It was hard to be the only person that knew. It was hard to carry secrets that weighed so much, because it felt as though they were constantly pulling me, dragging me down with them, threatening to bury me under their weight.

Could I let him in? Could I let him know without it fracturing the tenuous reformation of our relationship? Was that a trial our relationship could withstand?

 _Yes._

Edward was my everything. There was nothing he could tell me that would change that reality. And I believed the same to be true for him, too.

I needed to let him in, I realized. Guarding these secrets was sapping away at my energy, draining me in the most agonizing ways.

"Ok."

"Ok," he confirmed, placing a kiss on the top of my head while his hand lovingly stroked the arm I had resting across his chest.

I felt sleep tugging at me, my eyes growing weary and heavy, until I was no longer able to press against the blackness.

* * *

 **EPOV**

Her dreams were growing more troubling, as evidenced by her restlessness. She'd been tightly wrapped in my arms but as the night wore on she had moved further and further away from me. As soon as there was no contact at all between us she would begin to whimper and groan until some part of me was pressed against her. But even my physical contact wasn't enough at this point. My hand was resting against her back as my other hand gently stroked through her hair.

She continued to toss and turn and I knew that the nightmare would eventually mount until she awoke screaming. It happened this way every night for the past two weeks, though without me touching her it seemed to happen doubly as fast. This was a slower build now that I was here, but even in my presence it seemed inevitable.

It had been agonizing to stay to myself as I watched her from her window, night after night, listening to the sounds of her nightmares, watching her awaken in terror, frantically searching for the source of fear.

At least now she was back in my arms and I knew that when she woke up I'd be ale to hold her until she calmed, whispering assurances in her ear, promising her that she was safe.

The night wore on but I had plenty to keep me occupied. My mind replayed the moment where she'd agreed – where she had said yes to sharing forever with me.

Bella Swan, this perfect, heavenly creature would be my wife. It was my wildest of dreams coming true. The pleasure that fact brought me would sustain me for all of eternity.

But my delighted musings were cut short by the shrill sound of my cell phone vibrating in my pocket.

It was Alice. No doubt she was calling to squeal with delight and gush about Bella agreeing to marry me. I was sure she would be more excited than anyone else because it meant she would be able to plan a wedding, and it had been a long time since she'd been able to do so.

"Hello, Alice." I kept my tone hushed, not wanting to disturb Bella. I would keep this conversation brief.

"It's gone!" Panic was devouring Alice's words, and it was rattling through her voice.

"Alice," I tried to remain calm, but her panic was catching "what's gone, Alice? What is it?"

"Your futures… they're gone. _I can't see anything_."

He was here.

Paul was here.

* * *

A/N: Here it is, I hope you liked it! This one nagged me and nagged me until I gave in and forgot about all of my other responsibilities and wrote it. The next chapter is already halfway written. I can't seem to shake this writing bug out of me right now, so I'm going to keep at it while the going is good!

Your reviews from the last chapter were excellent motivators - so thanks for that!

-missmarlee


	24. Run

Chapter 24 – Run

Edward's eyes tightened around the corners, his face pulling into the familiar hard-set lines that settled into the granite-like plains of his expression whenever there was something amiss. It always left me feeling anxious and unsettled to see his composure faltering, allowing me to catch small glimpses of his fragility. If Edward was capable of weakness, what did that say for me?

"What's going on?" I rasped, my voice still heavy and laced with sleep.

I could tell from the expression on his face that whatever was happening was not something he wanted to share with me. I could sense in his body language that his goal would be to conceal this from me, as had become second nature to him.

I would have to pull it from him if I wanted any real answers.

"Edward? Talk to me…"

He remained quiet, his eyes trained on the window across from us, unmoving. They were distant and absent as he looked past the glass panes, to whatever it was outside he was seeing, or trying to see. The eeriness of his preoccupied expression sent shivers down my spine.

He noticed immediately because he moved his body away by a fraction and grabbed for the comforter that had settled around my feet.

"No, Edward. I'm not cold."

I tried to find his eyes, but he was fixated and intense. My mind began to work through the possibilities.

What could be making him react this way?

It was clear to me that he was on red alert, his every sense trained on the world outside of the four walls of my bedroom; his predator instincts had kicked into full gear. In this moment, he was lost to me as he transfixed on whatever catastrophe was awaiting us beyond these walls.

And it had to be a catastrophe – there was no other circumstance that would illicit this kind of response from Edward.

"Edward, please!" My voice raised an octave as I rocked against him, my body vibrating with the force of my fear.

This served to snap him out of his contemplation, immediately searching for my eyes.

"Everything is ok, Bella. I'm here with you."

But his words weren't the beginning of a conversation as I'd expected. They were a preamble, a warning, a catchphrase meant to assuage me before whatever it was that would come next. I was still in the haze of my sleep, still trying to claw my way out of the fatigue that had set deeply into my bones. I wasn't keeping pace.

Before I could ask for clarification, Edward's hands were wrapped around my waist, holding me against him as he tore from the bed, jostling me around the room with him as he shoved various articles of clothing into my backpack, moving far too quickly for me to register what he was grabbing.

My panic was building in a painful way as I fought against the terror that was threatening to burst open inside of me.

I could think of only one possibility that would elicit a response of this kind from Edward… only one thing that could set him into the kind of silent fury that was waging war inside of him.

Paul.

I choked against the thought, my breathing growing ragged, my heart racing and pounding against my ribs as I gasped for a full breath of air. I wrapped my arms around my midsection, trying to hold myself together as the fear threatened to pull me apart in a most gruesome way.

Edward was here, but I felt completely alone. I didn't know what was happening, I had no idea what would come next. But Edward knew something.

"Please," I groaned out, breathless as the words fell from my lips.

He stopped, the flurry of his movements softening suddenly as he walked toward me, absolute gentleness returned to him.

"Listen to me, Bella. Please don't panic. Everyone is on their way here. They'll be here shortly but we need to get you out of here as quickly as possible."

I yelped at his words, clapping a hand over my mouth as I contemplated where the sound had come from, wondering how I'd made such an awful, gut-wrenching noise.

"He's here…" it wasn't a question. My voice quivered and Edward placed both of his hands against my ashen white face as he nodded.

"We think he might be on his way. Possibly close by. Not close enough yet though – I haven't heard him."

My vision was growing hazy, my eyes clouding and I struggled against the darkness that was pulling me down, down, down. As I fought to remain conscious Edward's lips caressed the hollow of my ear with a gentle, easy reassurance of his love.

"It'll be ok, Bella."

"How?"

"Because we're going to protect you."

How could they protect me? How could they stop what felt inevitable… indestructible… unavoidable?

"How do you know he's coming?"

"Our futures, mine and yours, disappeared. Alice can't see us," he explained, wrapping his arms around my waist as he pulled me against his cold, hard chest.

All rationality left me at the thought of him coming here. The thought of him coming anywhere near Edward or any of the Cullen's. My heart faltered in my chest before resuming it's panicked thudding.

"Go!" I shrieked, my voice filled with hysterics. "Grab Charlie and run!"

I knew the suggestion was irrational as soon as it fell past my lips, but I meant it with every fibre of my being. I wanted him to run away from here, I wanted him to escape this moment. I wanted him safe.

"Bella, enough." His words were gentle, not authoritative or commanding.

And for whatever reason, it worked to calm me.

He folded me against him, grabbing my backpack and then swinging it across his shoulder.

"We have to go, Bella. Jasper and Alice will join us and we'll get you as far away from here as possible."

I shifted against him, my body rejecting the idea before my mind could.

"No. You have to go. You have to run. Take Charlie with you. Just leave. All of you. He wants me anyway. He doesn't care about you, or anyone else. Just me."

Edward hissed, the sound echoing around the room.

"I know you're afraid, Bella. But he's vastly outnumbered. He won't make it close enough to even catch your scent. I assure you, you're safe."

"But Charlie?"

"The rest of my family is on their way here, and Jasper was about to call the wolves. Charlie will be well protected – but as you just said, Paul isn't concerned with Charlie."

I exhaled, long and slow, hoping it would be enough to help me cling to my sanity and stay present in the world around me. I could feel the memories clawing at me, trying to drag me back down under, into their depths until I was no longer sure what was real and what was just a figment of my imagination.

I fought back against the urge to slip away, but it was like trying to swim upstream in the middle of a mid-December storm. No matter how hard I tried to tighten my grip on reality, it just kept fading.

* * *

It was chaos all around me all at once, and then suddenly it was calm. An eerie kind of calm that was horribly unnatural and unnerving. I looked at the three faces surrounding me, each belonging to an extraordinarily strong predator, more than capable of protecting me against a frail, human, attacker.

But the attacker they were searching for was not human, he wasn't frail, and he wasn't alone.

The thought caused a surge of panic to rush through my body, which outwardly translated into shaking. My body was rolling from the force of my shaking, and I was powerless to stop it. I was paralyzed by the fear that was enveloping me. Knowing that he was close, knowing he could find me any minute… it was torturous.

I had no idea what kind of danger awaited these three people I loved, not to mention Charlie, who was inside while, unbeknownst to him, there was a convergence of supernatural creatures just outside his home, preparing for a clash that had the potential to decimate everything in sight.

I was glad, for about the millionth time in my life, that Charlie wasn't the most perceptive person in the world. His ignorance might be to his advantage today, for if it would keep him safely tucked away inside of our home and away from the cataclysm that was about to rain down upon me and the Cullen's, he would be a lucky man.

Edward seemed to have noticed my panic because he closed the distance that had formed between us when Jasper and Alice arrived. It wasn't much distance at all, maybe a foot or two, and he kept his body angled in my direction, but it was enough to make me feel uneasy. I was noticeably less tense now that his arm was draped around my shoulders, and I was nestled against his powerful body.

I tried to focus on their conversation, to pick up bits and pieces so that I could understand what was happening, but my mind could not focus. Every time I tried to guide my thoughts and regain control of them they spiralled out of control, opening the floodgates to parts of my mind I had no interest in accessing right now.

And so I floated, unaware and omnipresent, finding comfort in being wrapped in Edward's arms, trying to avoid dwelling on what was about to happen around us.

The murmurings of Edward, Alice and Jasper were growing more and more distant to me as I travelled further inwards in my mind. If I focused long enough and hard enough I could find myself in our meadow, wrapped in one another's arms, our bodies melting together as we basked in an unusually warm summer sunshine of Forks. I could almost taste the sweet nectar of the wildflowers that were blooming all around us, and when I studied Edward's glistening, diamond-like face sparkling in the sun I almost believed it to be real.

It was pleasant. But more importantly, it was safe.

And it was short-lived.

Suddenly, my focus was jolted back into the present at the sound of Edward's voice, low and frantic. I snapped out of my trance-like state and noticed two, unclear and disappearing blurs whirring away in the distance. It must have been Alice and Jasper. Here one second, gone the next.

I felt Edward's arm sling protectively around my body as he folded me against him, his arms wrapping around my waist while he tucked my head underneath his chin. I couldn't see or hear much of anything. But I could smell him, and I could feel the cold of his body as it pressed against mine.

"It's ok, love." He tried to reassure me, but in his voice, I could hear his panic. I could feel how alert his body was, how ready it was to respond to a threat because he was so stiff and rigid I worried he might crack in half.

I tried to find my voice. I fought against the silence that had built up inside of me, trying to push out the words that were on the tip of my tongue, waiting to break free.

"Edward?" It was the most I could manage.

"We caught his scent blowing downwind, Alice and Jasper are following it now" he explained.

My heart froze.

My hands were locked against my sides and my body was vibrating more forcefully now, so much so that I felt like I might have fallen to the floor were it not for Edward's hands holding me in place.

I felt the familiar rumblings in my stomach that told me I wanted to unleash its contents. My head was throbbing and spinning at the same time as I waited for something to give. I wondered if I might black out, because it felt like that was the next course of action my body would take.

There was nowhere to go from here but down.

Down, down, down.

"Bella, stay with me." Edward's lips were pressed against the shell of my ear as he spoke, his icy, cool breath caressing my face. I could tell by his tone and intonation that he needed me to remain conscious. It wasn't a request; it was a demand. It was crucial part of his plan to help us make it out of this alive.

I felt one of his hands pull away from my body and seconds later he produced a cell phone which was pressed against his ear. He started speaking into the mouthpiece but his words were too low and too fast for my human ears to catch. Seconds later he was cramming the phone back into his pocket, wrapping his arm around me once again, pressing me into him so that my eyes couldn't see what surrounded me.

We stayed like this for a few seconds longer, his arms holding me in place while I struggled to keep my consciousness. I wanted to know what was happening but my body wouldn't allow me to formulate the questions that would unveil the truth. And Edward was statue still, not moving a muscle and remaining completely silent. I figured he would tell me what was happening if he could. It seemed to me that my silence was crucial right now, so even if I could articulate a sentence, I realized I probably shouldn't.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed since Alice and Jasper had left, and I was desperate to know where they had gone but I figured it unwise to attempt speaking.

I'd become so accustomed to the quiet of the night that the sound of a low, menacing growl building in Edward's chest sent shockwaves of terror through me. I knew there was only one reason that Edward would make such a sound.

My head shot up and I began frantically searching for the source of Edward's hostility.

"Hello, _sweetheart._ "

My body went numb and my knees buckled, every part of me completely numb to feeling. Edward was literally holding me upright; his arms were keeping me from falling into a heap of limbs on the cold, wet ground.

"Paul." The word tore from Edward in a terrifying growl, but the sound didn't frighten me – not this time. Instead, it brought me some measure of comfort, because this time, in the face of the one that had almost murdered me, I wasn't alone.

"So you're what all the fuss is about, huh?" Paul's voice was just as I'd remembered it, thick and gravelly with an unspoken tone of humour. His words rocked through me, causing an unconscious groan to drag itself from my mouth. I felt the blood drain from my body as I fought to control the unbearable shaking that was racking my body.

I lifted my head away from the safety of Edward's chest, searching the space around me for Paul, unable to look away any longer, my protective instincts kicking in and forcing me to assess the safety of the situation.

Was Paul alone?

Did Edward look worried?

Was Edward's life in any danger?

And where were the rest of the Cullen's?

My eyes finally landed on him – he was about two metres away from Edward, standing closest to the trees that lined the property of my home. His hair was cropped shorter than it had been the last time I'd seen him, and his body looked larger, more sculpted if that was at all possible.

I quivered in fear at the sight of him, remembering with disturbing vibrancy how it felt to have his body pressed against mine, invading the depths of me, brutalizing me as he tore from me things that were never his to begin with.

He appraised me with what appeared to be appreciative eyes, his jet-black irises glistening brightly in the light of the moon. He looked hungry, ravenous. But not for food. His appetite didn't include a steak dinner with a side of mashed potatoes. No, I recognized the look in his eyes, and I knew with certainty that he was hungry for me.

"I 'gotta admit, you look rough, Bella." Edward snarled and I immediately regretted my decision to look at Paul. But I was frozen in place, unable to move, unable to turn away, so I was now unwillingly subjected to the horror of watching his hungry eyes appraise me in a most sickening way.

"Okay, okay," Paul raised his hands in a mock attempt to calm Edward down, "I'm not trying to piss anyone off here. I'm just saying, you don't look so great. I really did a number on you, didn't I?" A small smile tugged at the curves of his lips, revealing the smallest glint of his pristinely white teeth.

"I will destroy you," Edward ground out from between tightly clenched teeth, his hands balled into fists while they were wrapped around my body, resting on the bony curvature of my waist.

"Maybe you will," Paul agreed casually, "or maybe I'll destroy you, and your little play thing over there," he said, motioning in my direction with his eyes.

"You should leave, _dog_." Edward's voice was menacing and low, every bit a predator as he always cautioned me he was. Tonight, was the first time I'd witnessed the depths of Edward's dangerous nature. It was more than anything I'd ever seen before. It was unlike everything else. Not even the altercation with James had transformed Edward so completely.

The closest thing I could compare it to in my mind was the night in Port Angeles… where he'd saved me a from a fate that would eventually end up befalling me anyway. There was something deadly about his posture, his demeanor and the sound of his voice – he radiated danger, it oozed from him as though it was as much part of his nature as his ability to read thoughts, or his love for his family, or the kindness of his gentle soul.

"You see, I'd love to do that, I really would, but I'm afraid I can't. Not until I get what I came here for."

I felt Edward stiffen, even more, his body seizing up at all his joints as he stood statue still, frozen in place.

"You won't lay a hand on her," he growled.

"You're right. C'mon, bloodsucker. You can read my mind, can't you? You can see that I didn't come here for _her_. Not tonight, at least." Paul's face was lit up from the grandness of his grin, and the image of him glowing with such joy and pleasure made my stomach churn and my throat feel tight.

He was pacing back and forth, his eyes trained on me as he sauntered casually across a small stretch of space. His demeanor was casual – he looked unconcerned and unaffected by his current circumstances, completely unfettered by the presence of Edward – by the presence of a vampire. And his eyes were glued to me. Each word he spoke was punctuated with his eyes raking appreciatively over my body.

Where were the rest of the Cullen's? Why weren't they here? My unease was building as I tried to interpret Paul's casualness. Why was he so unconcerned? How could he be so cocky… he was alone. Wasn't he worried about being outnumbered? He must have figured the Cullen's were on their way…

Unless they weren't.

Unless Paul wasn't outnumbered.

Unless his plan all along had been to divide me from the only people who could protect me. Obviously, it hadn't worked perfectly, because Edward was still with me.

I realized that Edward's family – _my_ family, were probably locked in a confrontation of their own… fighting off whatever forces had joined Paul in his crusade to destroy us.

"I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Bella. You've been pretty busy this past while, haven't you?"

I was shaking, and it felt like my soul was being crushed into tiny pieces at each word Paul spoke. His familiar voice awakening in me memories I'd been fighting to stow away, to bury inside of myself for that they'd never see the light of day again. And in seconds he'd brought it all back to the surface, my body remembering each second of the violence he'd inflicted on my body with a clarity that made my stomach churn.

I tore my gaze away from his, searching Edward's face, trying to understand what he'd heard in Paul's thoughts that I wasn't privy to. Edward must know by now what was happening, he must understand why his family hadn't joined us yet. Paul knew that Edward could read minds, but he couldn't conceal every thought from him… even the rest of the Cullen's, who were well-practised at shutting Edward out struggled with concealing their private thoughts around him.

"Are you paying attention, bloodsucker? Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Do you know now what you're up against?"

Edward's eyes were wide with shock and horror, a loud snarl slipped from between his teeth as he angled his body so that it was directly in front of my own. His cold arm snaked behind his back and locked around my waist as he tucked my body closer to his.

"How is this even possible?" The sound of Edward's voice, edged with anxiety, sent me into a tailspin of horror. What had he heard in Paul's mind? What did he know that he could not convey to me right now? Something in Paul's thoughts had caught him by surprise, and I could sense the shift in his body language meant he felt there was a real threat to my safety.

I couldn't see straight anymore as the darkness lined my periphery, closing in on the edges, fraying what little hope I had left to hold me in place, to tie me to this moment. I struggled against the darkness, trying to fight my way through it. For a moment, I'd found Edward's face, at some point he'd turned to face me, probably sensing that I was about to lose consciousness.

His face, contorted and twisted with his own fear, began to fade, until there was nothing left holding me together.

Until everything went black.

* * *

It was strange, to be faced with the certainty of death for what felt like the hundredth time in my short life. It seemed so clear to me, so unavoidable. And yet, as I lay curled up in the rain-soaked grass, I couldn't help but feel a sense of ease. This, I realized, would be a far more pleasant way to die than the possible alternatives. At least it wasn't at the hands of Paul. At least it would end quickly.

I prayed that my death would mean Edward's survival.

If I could hold onto that thought, I might even be brave enough to contain the screams of terror I felt building in my lungs. If I could, maybe I could save Charlie, too. Maybe if I was quiet long enough I wouldn't alert him to what was happening just a couple hundred feet from his front door. Then maybe he would be spared, too.

There were four sets of eyes trained on me, familiar snarls and growls erupting from their wild, ravenous bodies. They approached me with abandon, moving so quickly it was impossible to catch their faces, to know what they looked like.

I realized that I would die here, right outside Charlie's home. Right on the soil of this earth that had held me and contained me for the best years of my life – the years I spent with Edward. I would perish and become part of this terrain, my blood draining out of me, spilling and seeping into the dirt beneath me.

But Edward would live. His body would survive this ordeal, even if it meant facing the loss of me. I hoped he would persevere and continue to live.

It had been me all along. Never Edward. The imminent danger, the constant threats to my life, the seemingly endless peril that I attracted everywhere I went wasn't connected to Edward or his family – it was connected to me. I was the common denominator. Maybe now with me gone Edward could live without the constant threat of death hanging over him, waiting to rain down on top of everyone he loved at the slightest provocation.

I hoped this would be the end. With me dead, I held hope that Paul would lose interest and move on. I wished with every fibre of my being, every ounce of strength I had left in me, that this would go no further. I didn't want anyone to avenge my death – I couldn't stand the thought of their lives being at risk just to even the score. It wasn't worth it.

Time moved slowly as the four creatures approached me, their bodies just a blur as they fought against each other, each vying to reach me first.

I closed my eyes, unable to watch my destruction approach. I preferred the darkness, the bliss of uncertainty. It was comforting. In my mind, I could conjure the image of Edward, and I could hold him there in my thoughts. He would be the last thing I saw before the life was drained from my body.

I hugged my arms around my waist, sinking further into the sodden grass, shivering as the rain pelted down on me, drenching my already soaking wet body.

And from my lips, I whispered the truest words I knew.

"I love you, Edward."

* * *

 **EPOV**

Racing through the thick of the forest, my eyes fully capable of capturing every detail of the surrounding foliage in the darkness of the night. It was not difficult to dodge the obstacles and continue to push my body further, harder and faster.

Paul was fast, but I knew I was faster. He'd had only a minor head start, there was no way he'd be able to outrun me, and this was my chance to end it all – once and for all.

In the clearing near Bella's home, his thoughts had been tightly controlled, but in his inexperience, he'd revealed more than he intended to. Alice and Jasper had caught his scent downwind, but it was a diversion tactic, meant to separate us, dwindle our numbers so that a one on one fight would be his only obstacle to taking Bella.

He worked his hardest to convince me that it wasn't Bella he was after, but I knew from a few moments inside his head that he was completely obsessed with her, unable to think or act in a way that wasn't motivated by his desire to harm her.

He seemed to take great pleasure in that.

It had taken every morsel of strength to hold myself in place as I combed through his thoughts. I fought against the primal desires stirring inside of me, the instinctual nature that coexisted inside of me that wanted to launch at him and tear him limb from limb right then and there. But I could sense that there was something, some element of the picture he was attempting to conceal in his mind, that I could not see clearly. And so, I maintained control, waiting for whatever it was that I was missing to come to light.

There was something keeping him assured and cocky, unafraid and unconcerned with the possibility of losing to me once we went head to head. I could sense that he knew he was naturally at a disadvantage, but this didn't seem to dissuade him. Something was keeping him self-assured.

All I needed was a moment of distraction, one moment where he let his guard down long enough to see what his mind contained. And that moment came when Bella twisted away from my body to look at him. The moment her eyes met his he was unhinged.

He was overcome with thoughts of her, consumed by his desire to claim her and destroy her. His entire universe centred on his need for Bella – his need to finish what he'd started those months ago when he first began tormenting her.

His moment of weakness opened his mind up to me: he wasn't alone. He'd decided to come and find Bella, which created a blind spot in Alice's vision, leaving us unable to predict what would happen next.

We'd suspected that Paul wasn't working alone, but it became clearer to me as I rifled through his mind that he was shockingly well organized. As we stood there, Bella's arms wrapped around my waist, Paul's eyes fixating on every detail of her body, my family was locked in a battle of their own.

Paul, with help and guidance it appeared, had orchestrated an ambush for my family at our home. Alice and Jasper had already been on their way to Bella's to sweep the perimeter and so they were unaffected, but the rest of my family likely fell right into Paul's trap. They could handle themselves against a group of ravenous newborns, though it would likely be a challenge they were well-organized, capable and knowledgeable fighters. They would come away unscathed, I was sure.

But of course, their preoccupation with taking out the newborns would mean a significant delay in coming to our aide, but I was reassured that at this point that Alice and Jasper would have figured out his diversion tactic and would have doubled pack to keep guard of Bella. As long as Bella wasn't left unguarded I could attend to the matter at hand: crushing the life out of Paul.

I was gaining on him, the scenery around me beginning to blur only fractionally, attuning my body to the sheer speed we'd picked up since the chase began. The typical markers of a Forks forest where whizzing past us – large stones and boulders covered in generous swatches of deep green moss, overturned logs and fallen trees bogged down by the dampness of the cool earth that surrounded them, and the weaving stream that rolled throughout the forestry, burgeoning against the trench that barely contained it.

Pulling apart Paul's thoughts was becoming more laborious as I struggled to dissect them amidst the franticness of his movements. His thoughts were buzzing, difficult to decipher and impossible to pinpoint. He was whirring past each thought as it tore through his mind, obviously preoccupied with the chase, his absolute unending thirst for Bella and his efforts to evade me.

But I was gaining on him with ease, my body moving quickly, pressing faster and faster as the seconds passed, no sign of tiring in any of my muscles, perpetual strength propelling me faster still. His head start had proven advantageous at first, but I was pulling forward and there was nothing he could do to distract me now.

 _You think that's all I've got, bloodsucker? You may be faster, but what good will it do you if she's already dead before you get back to her?_

Dead?

In an impossible turn of events I felt my footing falter as I stumbled forward, his words slicing through me as my entire body processed his words in a fraction of a second.

Another diversion.

Another distraction.

This was his goal all along.

To isolate Bella.

To enrage me enough that I would fall for his bait, leaving Bella unprotected to pursue my own vengeful agenda.

I'd left her alone.

But _not_ alone.

No, she wouldn't be alone.

But she would be unprotected.

 _I wonder if we'll get to watch the show? Hopefully they haven't torn her to shreds by the time we get back. I'd love to go another round with that sweet little body before they suck her dry._

A roar ripped through me and before I could consciously make the decision I was headed back in the direction I'd just come from – back to Bella, praying against all hope that I'd find her alive.

Paul was trailing behind me, laughter flowing out of him as he delightfully weaved through the foliage of the forest, unaffected by his inability to keep pace with me because he knew it wouldn't matter. I had no vested interest in destroying him in this moment. There were other things that took priority over that, my sights were set entirely on making it back to Bella in time.

I focused on the sounds around me, trying to catch wind of her, trying to hear her – listen for her heart. I needed to know how close she was. I needed to reach her in time.

I couldn't fail her again.

I couldn't.

* * *

"I love you Edward."

The words fell from her lips, choking out of her body as four young vampires prepared to leap, each ravenous and bitterly competing with the others for first rights to their kill. The sounds of iron jaws snapping shut and the primal cries of hunger and conquest ricocheted off every solid structure within 30 feet, reverberating back to us as though to emphasize the danger of the present situation.

There was no time to think.

No time to dwell on her small, frail body, quivering as it pressed against the sodden earth of the ground that gave way only slightly beneath her thin frame. No time to calculate her fear, or the risk, or the likelihood that we'd make it out of this alive.

5 against 1.

I didn't care about my own fate, so long as I managed to keep Bella alive. If her heart kept beating and her lungs kept filling with air – that was all that mattered.

The odds told me that it would be difficult to make it out of this with both of us still alive. My own life meant nothing if I couldn't protect Bella. I was prepared to give my life for hers. I was prepared to lay down and die, to fight to the very bitter end, just long enough so that my family could return to us and save her.

I would die for her without a second thought.

I'd always held that to be true, and today it was coming to fruition.

Charging full speed ahead my body collided with the solid stone-like structures of the vampires that had circled Bella, inches away from laying claim to her with their venom-laced teeth.

The primal roars that rose from each of them were of no concern to me for I had given myself over to the monster that existed inside of me, unleashing him in his full wrath as I prepared to defend my mate – to protect her precious life and to finally keep her from harm.

This moment was congruent with my most basic needs. It was as easy to me as hunting, second nature and entirely natural to assume my role as her protector.

I barely registered the sound of the four bodies flying against the trees surrounding us. The cracking noise was disturbing, but I was focused on Bella. She was shaking, her body curled into a fetal position with her hands grasped around her legs, pulling her knees to her chest. Her eyes were closed and the distant sound of her humming her lullaby rang through the air. My insides clenched as I recognized her position of surrender.

She'd given herself over. She'd given up. She'd accepted her fate.

She had accepted that she would die.

"Bella!" I called out to her, begging her to hear me, begging her to understand that she wouldn't die here.

"Edward…" she whispered, her eyes still closed and her body still curled around itself. The sound fell from her like a prayer, a small smile finding it's way on to her face.

Before I could call out to her again the four young vampires were surrounding me, their thoughts focused on destroying me so they could lay claim to their prey without interference.

They were young – not exactly newborns, but not seasoned vampires either. They had little self-control, though apparently enough to prioritize eliminating a threat before attempting to feed. They wouldn't be difficult to kill if I weren't alone and if I weren't struggling to protect Bella amid all this chaos.

The movement around me would have been undetectable to Bella, but the largest vampire, and the most well-controlled of the four changed course no longer intent on draining her, but focused now and eliminating me. The others seemed to follow his lead, mirroring his movements with the utmost precision. They moved quickly but with the ability to read their thoughts it was easy to evade them, my body moving without thought as I dodged each of their attempts to restrain me.

I kept my eyes trained on Bella as much as I could, listening for the sound of her heart beating, listening for the sound of her lungs filling with air and then releasing it.

The sounds that reassured me that she was still alive.

I could split my focus without issue until the sound of pounding footfalls reverberating through the forest to brought me to a halt. In seconds my body was flying and crashing into a nearby tree with a deafening thud. My second of distraction had given them an opening and placed me, and therefore Bella, in danger.

I processed what was happening around me.

Paul was close.

And I was locked in a battle with four vampires, each vying to destroy me first so they could lay claim to the overwhelming and intoxicating aroma that was Bella's blood.

I could manage them, I was sure. I could hold them off long enough to keep Bella alive until my family arrived.

But I couldn't do any more than this.

I couldn't keep Paul away from Bella and deal with the bloodthirsty vampires that were surrounding me.

"Bella!" I couldn't conceal my desperation. I continued to shout her name, waiting to hear her response, waiting for it to register in her mind that I was here.

"Bella!" Finally, I heard her stir. I listened to the sound of her heartrate intensifying when she heard my voice.

"Edward?"

I couldn't see her, but I could hear her move. I listened to her sitting upright, searching for me in the darkness of the storming night.

"Bella –" I struggled to complete the sentence as I threw the bodies of the two smallest vampires off me.

She had to get out of here.

"Bella, RUN!"

She had to stand up, and run.

It was her only chance.

* * *

 **BPOV**

The rain pelting down on my shivering body was the single sensation I chose to focus on, and the image of Edward's face held tightly in the corners of my mind. These two things, I'd decided, would make this all less painful.

I remembered vividly, the feeling of a vampire's teeth sinking into my flesh, ripping it open and sucking out the ruby, red blood. The feeling of their venom lacing with my blood, and the burning that accompanied it, were hardwired into my physicality now, as much a part of me as any other sensation I'd ever experienced. But I turned over the thoughts quickly, knowing that these weren't the things I should focus on in this moment.

I had to find a way to make it through the fate that was about to befall me without screaming. I had to find a way to make sure as many people could survive this as possible. This would be more painful than what James had done, for it would be the same sensation but multiplied by four.

I held in my mind the memories of Edward's lips pressing against my ear, whispering softly about how much he loved me. I recalled, with joy, the feeling of his stony arms scooping around my waist, pulling me into his embrace as he inhaled my scent, both intoxicated and tortured by the action. I could die here, right now, knowing that he loved me and that he was far away from this, safe from the potential deluge of violence that was about to rain down upon me.

I could be ok with this if I knew he was safe.

But I was pulled from my reverie all too soon, the sharp sound of Edward's voice cutting through the memories that were carrying me through.

"Bella, RUN!"

Edward?

I'd been hearing his voice ring in my ears since, but I figured it was all part of the delusion that I was building inside of myself. I was sure that time was virtually standing still because I'd turned inwards. I was sure that his voice was part of it all.

I was sure.

Until now. Until his voice called out to me and commanded me to _run_. The Edward in my mind wouldn't tell me to run – he was conjured out of the happiness I'd harnessed in my mind. He was built from all the joyful moments I'd ever known, all of which included Edward.

The voice of this Edward, however, was filled with desperation and angst. His voice was gritty and strained, not at all the carefree tone I'd expected. And so I listened more closely, finally hearing what I'd been shielding myself from.

The sound of thunder crashing around me, the sound of steel scraping against steel, the sounds of trees cracking in half from the power of the things slamming into them.

I opened my eyes and I realized that I was alone. The vampires that had been advancing toward me were gone and I was alone, drenched from head to toe and sinking further and further in the sodden earth that was surrounding me.

I sat up slowly, looking for the origin of the sounds I was hearing. I knew now what it sounded like when vampires collided. I knew the sounds more intimately than I'd ever cared to, the sound of James' body being ripped to pieces, torn limb from limb was at the forefront of my mind.

My eyes scanned the darkness, searching for him. Searching for them.

I began to grow frantic in my desperation, my head whipping from side to side as my eyes strained against the blackness of the night.

"Edward?" I called out fearfully – more worried about hearing his respond than of hearing silence. If he responded, it meant he was here, and he was in as much danger as I was. If he didn't respond, perhaps it was the vampires fighting amongst themselves. Perhaps he was a far away from here, not amid the death trap Paul had set for us.

"Bella, RUN. You must run. Go! Now!"

My entire body froze in place, stunned at the desperation I heard in his voice. The fear and the agony had distorted its usual musical melody, transforming it into something unrecognizable and terrifying.

"Edward?"

"Bella, run!" I followed the sound, turning my body in the direction I'd heard it come from. The picture before me was indiscernible. Blurs of ghostly white figures darted in and out between the grand trees that lined the forest. The figures were moving with such speed and agility that my human eyes struggled to distinguish them from a gust of wind, or the stirring of the trees.

A shriek of desperation was building inside of me, but before I could give life to it, it caught in my throat, stunted by the hand that was now wrapped around my neck.

Fire.

The hand felt like fire. Like burning. Like death.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak.

My eyes finally adjusted enough to see clearly again.

Full lips turned up into a harrowing smile, jet-black hair sopping wet and clinging to a russet-colour forehead, thick, fiery fingers wrapped around the delicate skin of my throat.

It was Paul.

"Hello, _sweetheart._ "

I wanted to scream, but no sound could leave my body. My vision was blurring, my head spinning, everything growing darker and darker as the seconds passed.

But then he released his hand from my neck and grabbed my upper arm, throwing my body back down onto the ground again.

"Ah, ah, ah!" His voice was filled with pleasure as he wagged his finger back and forth, inches from my face, as though he were scolding a dog, not speaking to a human.

"We can't have you passing out on us now, can we? If you pass out, how will your bloodsucker hear you screaming as I have you again, and again, and again?"

Finally, my frantically searching eyes found Edward. He was a mere fifty feet away from me, on his knees, with his heard bowed, two vampires holding his arms, one with its arms wrapped around his midsection and a fourth with its hands resting on either side of his neck.

"Enough," Edward roared, the sound sending shockwaves of fear through me, "let her go, and you can kill me slowly – as slowly as you'd like. Tell her that. Call her now and tell her that she can have me. She can kill me, or keep me, or enslave me – whatever it takes. It doesn't matter."

Edward's words made my entire body rattle against the soaking ground, but I was at a loss for words. I wanted to object, to insist exactly the opposite, but with Paul's body towering over mine, his hands balled into fists at his side and Edward on the brink of death I couldn't formulate any words.

I couldn't do anything.

"That's cute. But Victoria doesn't care about what happens to you, so long as I make this one suffer before I kill her," he pointed down towards me, a sickening smile overwhelming the dark features of his face, "and so long as I make you watch her suffer. Afterwards, she said I can do whatever I want with you. So I figure I'll have my fun with her, and then I'll let your little vamp buddies drain her. After all, they'll want payment for their work."

 _Victoria._ This was Victoria's doing. Of course. Of course Paul couldn't have orchestrated this on his own. Of course he couldn't have pulled all of these pieces together on his own successfully. He was brutally strong, but he was dim in every other way. There was no way he could evade the Cullen's without the help of someone that knew vampires, and knew the Cullen's strengths and weaknesses.

"Do you really believe she's liberated you from the chains of being a wolf? You don't actually believe that, do you?" Edward laughed, cold, hard and empty. The sound poured out of him easily, but it sounded like he was speaking a foreign language.

"Handy trick… reading minds. That must get boring fast though, always knowing what everyone else is thinking?"

"Not really. I can read your mind, dog," Edward quipped, no longer struggling to break free from the hands that were holding him in place.

"Well obviously, I was counting on that," Paul smiled, moving closer to me as he spoke.

"I know she promised you freedom and liberation… but those were things she could never really guarantee for you. When you're done here, you'll be finished for good. There's no going back now."

Paul stopped dead in his tracks, his lips turning down into a foul scowl as he considered Edward's words.

"You're intrigued now, as you should be."

"What are you talking about?"

"Let her go and I'll tell you," Edward urged, his eyes locked on Paul's with a severity that disturbed me.

Paul thought for a moment, his eyes travelling back and forth between me and Edward. Seconds passed in silence with only the sound of the storm interjecting, disrupting the silence with flickers of lightening filling the sky. Then Paul was standing over top of me, a sickening grin on his face as he grabbed my arm with brutal strength, throwing me to my feet. Accompanying the motion, I heard a pop come from my shoulder and a searing pain shot down the length of my arm.

He pulled my body so that it was flush against his, my back pressed against his front as we stood facing Edward. His arm was snaked around my waist, making it so that there was absolutely no space between either if us, my body merging with his in a disturbing way.

The sound of Edward's snarls and his jaw snapping bounded around the clearing, bouncing off the trees and travelling back, the sound amplified and punctuated by the bursts of thunder breaking through the storm.

"You don't get it, bloodsucker – you have no bargaining chips here. I've got the one and only thing that matters to you, right here in my hands. I could crush her in a second if I wanted to. I could end her easily, without even trying. So why don't you try that again?"

"They'll be here any second," Edward roared, "the rest of the Quileute wolves and the rest of my coven. And then you'll be vastly outnumbered and they'll kill you. You've run out of time. Let her go and I'll make sure they don't pursue you."

Paul stilled, tightening his grip on me as he stood motionless.

He said nothing, but Edward was reacting nonetheless. He must have been saying plenty in his mind, because Edward sounded crazed and desperate, agonized and despairing predatory sounds breaking out from his carefully curated control.

"Let her go," he snarled.

"No thanks. I've rather enjoyed using your little plaything as my own. Have a look for yourself?"

I couldn't stem the flow of tears that were pouring out of me. The cold rain was pelting down on me, my body shivering against the coldness that was pressing its way into every corner of my body. But despite the cold rain, the wind and the temperature I was still burning with Paul's body against mine.

I didn't understand Edward's reaction, his body was convulsing as he struggled to break free from the grasps of the predators that were holding him in place, awaiting their turn with me. His composure was melting away and his panic seemed to have no end and no beginning.

Paul wasn't doing anything to me. He was just standing there. Holding me against him, saying nothing and remaining motionless.

And then I recognized it.

Edward's eyes were fixated elsewhere, holding onto something off in the distance, unfocused. He was absorbed in something.

 _Have a look for yourself…?_

Paul was showing Edward. He was showing him all the things he'd done to me. He was opening the deluge of memories that his mind contained, all the moments where he'd broken me in half, torn me to shreds, ripped me apart, tarnishing me permanently.

Edward was seeing.

He could see now. He knew now.

He would never unsee what Paul was showing him. It would live inside of his flawless mind, recalled with perfectly clarity and with complete ease, never fading or growing dull. As clear 100 years from now as it was in this moment.

I was breathless. I was motionless. I felt nothing. I was oscillating between the darkest spaces of my mind and the darkness of this moment, trying to decide which space would be the best to stay inside of.

Edward's snarls filled the space for seconds longer until they stopped abruptly. I lifted my head up, trying to find his face despite the darkness. I couldn't discern his features, but I could see the silhouette of his body slumped forward, held upright by the snow-white limbs that held him captive.

"Bella…" my name fell from his lips in the most haunting and devastating way.

Paul's fiery hand was resting against my neck as he pulled my soaking wet hair away from my ear, his hand brushing along the length of my jawline in a way that was agonizing and familiar.

"See? He knows now… and he'll never want you again," he whispered into my ear, his lips ghosting over the skin of my neck as his other hand grabbed a fistful of my shirt.

In one swift motion, he ripped the shirt from my body and threw it to the ground. Edward's head jerked up, his eyes fixated on me again. His body went rigid again as he fought against his captors, renewed energy coursing through him.

"I'll be sure not to draw blood _this_ time. It'll send those little vamp friends into a frenzy and they might lose focus before we're ready to let them have their way with you."

"Stop," I breathed out, my body tensed against Paul's.

"Stop?" He laughed, the sound reverberating across the small clearing we were in.

I watched his hand raise above his head, and as though in slow motion it swept down, the back of it connecting brutally with my face. The force of the blow knocked me to the ground. Seconds later he was on top of me, but my vision was blurred and unfocused and it seemed as though the rain was falling harder now, obscuring my ability to see even more.

The weight of Paul was bearing down on me, his pelvis grinding into mine, providing a disturbing reminder of what was about to unfold – of the things Edward was about to witness. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear it. It was too much.

His hands were on my chest, gripping and grabbing at my flesh before he tore my bra off me, discarding it haphazardly to the side. His ferocity was unmatched; he'd never been this excited or eager before. His audience, I realized, provided a unique element of pleasure for him.

I had to fight this.

I had to stop this.

I could barely make out of the sounds of Edward snarling, or the things that Paul was saying. I wasn't sure if he was speaking to me, or to Edward, or to both of us. The only sound that was truly audible was a loud ringing bounding through my head, overwhelming all my senses.

My hands were out at my sides, searching in desperation for something I could use to disable him long enough to get away. I searched and searched, looking for something – anything.

Before long, I felt his fiery grasp on my arms, pulling them above my head and holding them in place with one of his hands.

He spoke to me now, but I couldn't make out the sounds. I could see his lips moving, and his face smiling, but the sound was indiscernible. He remembered last time too, I'm sure. He wouldn't let me find a weapon this time. He would make sure I was utterly defenseless, just as he liked me to be.

I felt his hands travel down to my waist, gripping me there before travelling further south, finding the tie of my pajama bottoms. I squirmed against him, but it was useless. It only seemed to provoke him further.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I cried out, my body finally finding the energy to formulate words into a sentence. And it was all I could say.

I was sorry.

I wished that the vampires working with Paul would kill me first. I wished they would lose control, and kill me quickly. At least death at their hands would be more merciful, and at least it would mean Edward didn't have to be subjected to this.

" _I'll make sure you don't bleed this time…"_

Something clicked in my brain then. A realization hit me with stunning strength.

My blood.

If I wanted the vampires to lose control, they only needed to smell my blood.

It could work.

But I had only seconds.

What could I do to make myself bleed that didn't involve my hands?

A brilliant memory filled my mind:

 _Edward's fingers pressed against my bottom lip, tugging the fullness of it away from my teeth with a gentleness that made my knees weak._

" _I really wish you wouldn't do that, love. You're going to make yourself bleed one of these days," he chuckled, a smile brightening up the beauty of his face._

And that was it.

I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and I bit down as hard as I could.

I tasted it immediately, the copper-metallic taste of my own blood filling my mouth. I could feel it's warmth running down my chin, mixing in with the rain, diluting against my skin.

The result was instantaneous.

The snarls echoing across the clearing had multiplied. No longer a single sound, but a flurry of sounds reverberating all around me, moving closer and closer toward me.

Seconds later the heavy feeling of Paul's body grinding on top of mine was gone. The sound of metal scraping against metal filled my head, blocking out all other thoughts and noises. I tried to focus my mind enough to see around me, to sit upright and to see what was happening, but my body was too weak.

I felt two sets of cold hands grasping my skin.

Vampires.

It had worked.

I braced myself for the feeling of teeth sinking into my flesh, for the inevitable burn that would follow and for the blackness that would surely accompany death.

But it never came.

Instead, I felt fabric being laid against my bare chest. I felt hands lifting me from the ground, I felt the coldness of a stone hard body pressing against me.

I felt two fingers grip my wrist.

And then I heard it.

"Bella?"

I opened my tightly sealed eyes and was greeted by the face of Carlisle Cullen.

"Carlisle?" I groaned, wanting to believe that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me, but I was unable to accept what was standing in front of me.

"Bella, love?"

Edward.

I opened my eyes again and I found his face, inches from mine, his coal-black eyes swirling with a flurry of emotions that I couldn't comprehend.

The smell of smoke filled the air and in the distance, I could make out the faint image of a large fire burning and black smoke filling the air.

"It's over, love. You're safe."

I reached a hand up and rested it on his face, grateful beyond description that he was alive. That he was still here, holding me. That this hadn't gone any further.

"Take me _home_ ," I whispered, desperate to know that everyone was safe, but struggling to remain conscious in the coldness of this night and the dampness of the rain that wouldn't let up.

"Charlie's inside, Bella. He's asleep…"

"I know," I explained " _this,_ " I glanced up at Charlie's house as I spoke "isn't my home anymore."

Edward's eyes softened in understanding and he nodded, carrying me away from Charlie's home, to the place where I belonged.

* * *

 **A/N:** I'm so sorry this has taken so long. Life is busy, and it's been really hard to steal away time to work on this. I struggled with this chapter for lots of reasons, but mostly because I find it really hard to write scenes like this one - they take a lot of time and contemplation for me to map out.

If you're still reading, thanks for sticking it out! I've received from PMs and some reviews recently that pushed me back in the direction of this story. And I promise I won't abandon it, I'm still working away at it, albeit slowly.

If you're at all confused about Victoria and Paul I promise it'll be cleared up in the next chapter. Keeping bugging me and I'll get it out faster! Thanks to those that PM'd and reviewed, reminding me that this story is still here and that I should really stick it through.

xx,

-missmarlee


	25. Silence

**A/N:** Another update - yay! This one is shorter than usual, but I felt it was worthy of being a standalone chapter. I'm more nervous about this chapter than any of the others, so please let me know what you think!

Thanks to those that have stuck it out with me, and have reminded me of how much this story means to me. It feels good to be back at it.

*a gentle reminder that this story is rated M. Please take care when reading!*

* * *

Chapter 25 – Silence

The silence was thick and encompassing. I sat in the passenger seat of Carlisle's Mercedes, distinctly aware of how filthy I was, oddly preoccupied with thoughts of how dirty I would leave the beige seats, my mind desperate to find things to focus on that didn't include the events that had just transpired.

I watched the trees pass by in a blur of greenish shadow, wishing that I wasn't here, in this car, in this silence.

The silence was harder than anything else.

It was worse than the aching throb that was pulsating against the bruised bones of my face.

It was worse than the searing pain that was shooting across my shoulder and down my arm.

In the silence, I was left to contemplate everything.

I was left wondering.

I wanted to say his name, to call for him. But as I watched him from the corner of my vision, his eyes a pool of inky blackness, wild and unfocused, his hands gripping the steering wheel with an iron strength, I realized this wasn't the moment.

I realized he was lost, too.

He was lost in the silence as much as I was.

And so I sat quietly, watching the trees blur past us, admiring the dim glow of moonlight that illuminated them in the darkness of the night.

I listened to the sound of the rain beating against the windshield and the rhythmic movements of the wipers clearing away the drops as quickly as they fell.

I tried to push thoughts of Paul, and his body, from my mind.

The trees, the wind, the moonlight, the rain pattering against the window – these were what I held on to.

* * *

It felt like an eternity had passed. The silence did that, I think. It made time move slowly, inching along at an almost unbearable pace. I avoided looking at Edward, afraid of what I might find if my eyes met his.

When we pulled up to the Cullen's house it was clear that we were alone. Not a single light was on inside, leaving it eerily empty. The usual buzzing energy of his family was gone and all that was left was darkness and silence.

Edward helped me out of Carlisle's car, but I kept my eyes cast downwards. His hands held my waist as he guided me through the rain, up the stairs and inside the house. His hands never left my body, like they were stuck to me in an irreversible way.

The darkness was consuming, and I couldn't see my hand an inch from my own face. Edward seemed to realize this because a few seconds later I felt a tiny rush of wind, his arm waving past us as he flicked several switches on the wall behind us. He remained still, waiting, I figured, for me to decide where I wanted to go.

I moved instinctively, my body, not my mind, deciding where I needed to be. I climbed the stairs, one hand on the mahogany wood of the railing, holding against it to keep myself upright. Edward's hands never left my waist, supporting most of my weight the entire way upstairs.

My body moved, guided by memory and not conscious thought, towards Edward's bedroom. The room that had become my haven of recovery, my sanctuary.

The silence persisted.

Even as I made my way inside, standing in the middle of the room, my eyes searching the space, trying to decide why I was here, why my body brought me here. I scanned the room, noting that it was virtually unchanged.

A stack of clothing belonging to me was folded neatly on the dresser facing the windowed wall. A wastebasket sat empty and tucked away in the corner next to a desk that was overflowing with books. A bowl of unfinished soup sat on the end table next to the bed, exactly as I'd left it.

It was familiar.

But it was empty.

There were no signs of Edward here anymore, save for a few shirts that lay out on the bed. I'd pulled them from his closet, trying to find nearness to him. Trying to find a way to be close to him in the weeks we'd spent apart.

The room, which had been filled with him, was now devoid of him, even though he was standing inside of it.

I scanned again, finding him standing in the corner, his hands shoved into the pockets of his dark blue jeans, he was drenched from head to toe. His head was bowed and in the shadow of the corner it was impossible to make out the features of his flawless face.

It was empty.

And I couldn't stand here for a second longer.

The silence was filled with things that were unspoken and consuming. His mind, I was sure, was racing with images of what Paul had done to me. How could it not be? My own mind was fighting against the very same images. I fought against them everyday.

Edward's gift allowed him to experience every single moment of torture with perfect recall. And from the perspective of Paul. The memories would never fade. The would never dull. They would never change.

They would remain there. As clear 100 years from now as they were today. I could feel what it was doing to him. I could feel the pain and anger and anguish rolling off him in devastating waves. I could feel everything that wasn't being said in our uncomfortable silence.

And I couldn't take it.

I could still feel the heaviness of Paul's body weighting down my own, crushing me in place, trapping me against him and the rain-soaked earth. I could feel his hands on my body, overwhelming and bruising, leaving reminders of him for me to look back on in the weeks to come.

I could feel him everywhere.

It felt like a thick layer of grime covering every inch of my body, holding me in place, weighing me down, anchoring me to Paul.

And worse, Edward could smell it. He wouldn't say as much but I knew it to be true. I was sure he was repulsed enough be me, now that the memories of what Paul had done to me were sitting freshly inside of his perfect mind. I imagined the stench of wolf rolling off my body wasn't helping.

I made my way into the bathroom, shutting the door gently before I started undressing, a task which was nearly impossible given the near uselessness of my right arm. It was hanging limply at my side, pain radiating across the shoulder and down my arm.

I slid my pants off, but left my shirt as it was, realizing I couldn't get it off on my own.

Stepping into the shower, I listened for the sounds around me, the sound of movement, the sound of Edward. There was nothing but silence.

I pulled the knob of the faucet, turning it to the coldest possible setting.

And I stood under the stream, grateful for the sound of the water. Grateful for the cold.

Grateful for the gradual dulling of the world around me.

* * *

I felt his hands before I saw them. One was placed on top of mine, the other was holding on to the faucet, turning it away from the coldest setting.

"It's too cold," he explained, holding my hand up against his, his eyes pointing towards my fingertips which had a bluish hue to them.

"I'm fi-i-ine," I said against my chattering teeth.

"You're not," he insisted "your temperature has already dropped from being outside in the cold and the rain for so long. We need to warm you up." His voice was soft, barely there, an echo of a whisper ringing through my head.

"Please," he whispered, his voice still soft, but desperate now.

I sighed, leaning my body back against the icy cold tiles of the shower, surrendering because I had nothing left in me.

I nodded, my eyes finding the drain and holding there as I watched the muddy water flow down in an almost rhythmic way. The dirt washed away, off my body, off my skin, off my clothes. Spiraling downwards while I spiralled with it.

The water was heating up, beating against my skin in a painful way. It was too much. Too much a reminder of him and where I'd just been – trapped under his body, held there by his fire.

I couldn't stop the deluge of tears that were running down my face, or the sobs that broke through my lips.

I was desperate.

I had to hold the memories of him at bay because my body was too worn for this. I didn't think I could survive a second more. I couldn't survive if all I could feel was the feeling of him.

"Please," I begged, my voice straining against my sobs "stay".

I looked up now, finally finding his eyes for the first time since the clearing near Charlie's house. For the first time since he was on his knees, held in place by a group of hungry vampires, watching as Paul's body meshed with my own, attempting to claim me as his again.

Edward's hand was still wrapped in mine, and his eyes were pools of blackness and sorrow. His brow was furrowed and his face looked wild with grief and worry. His jaw was clenched, the corners of his lips tightly mashed together in a way that made him look like he was struggling to remain composed.

Burning.

Again.

I knew that feeling.

I was feeling it too.

Nothing could stave away the flames. Nothing could stop the burning that was rolling through our bodies.

I was struggling in the silence. I couldn't understand how to interpret it. Was he staying silent because he didn't want to answer me? Because the thought of being near me repulsed him? Or was he burning like I was? Struggling to keep his head above the flames of fire that were attempting to pull us into their depths.

Was he struggling to stay afloat amid the darkness of the memories that were now planting roots inside of his mind?

"Please," I begged again, ridding myself of my shame long enough to beg for his presence. His closeness was my only tool left for survival. Paul had invaded every safe space I'd ever known, and perhaps he'd invaded the only safe space I had left: Edward.

Maybe he'd effectively ripped us apart.

Or maybe not.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"Please."

Our eyes met, and I could see where she was. She was reliving it all. She was caught in the moments of time that she fought so hard to move passed. His presence, his body, his violence had reawakened in her all the pain she'd struggled to contain.

"Help me," she whispered, her eyes avoiding mine while she fought against the wet fabric of her shirt.

Her shoulder was dislocated.

I'd watched him do it.

I watched him rip the arm from the socket and I could do nothing to stop him.

I couldn't protect her.

I hadn't then, and I didn't now.

That realization alone was enough to destroy me.

But I couldn't dwell. She needed me now, and I needed to move beyond wallowing, beyond the hideousness of my failure.

"Your arm, Bella."

"It hurts," she agreed.

"It's dislocated."

Her eyes tightened and her mouth pulled into a hard line. She nodded, understanding what it meant.

"It'll hurt," I explained.

"It's ok," she said gently "I've had worse."

My body tensed at her words. She was right. She had. Her eyes were solemn, aware and present.

This was helping, I realized. My presence, speaking to her, holding her in some capacity, it seemed to change her disposition. It made things more manageable.

I clasped a hand in hers, the other moving to her upper arm, steadying it. I moved her arm, assessing the dislocation of the bone from the joint, gaining awareness of the direction I would need to move it in to ensure it was relocated correctly.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, trying to find her eyes, but failing. She was staring down, shame apparent in every inch of her body, covering her like a weathered veil.

I pulled on her arm swiftly and she yelped in pain as the bone found its place back into the socket Paul had ripped it from. I swallowed back the venom that had been pooling in my mouth, fighting against the murderous rage that was coursing through me at the sight of Bella in such agony.

I had to remain focused. She needed me and I wouldn't fail her again today.

She was doubled over in pain, breathing in loud bursts, struggling to regain her breath.

I placed a single hand against her back and she arched into it and groaned.

She stood upright, her eyes finally finding mine, telegraphing her desperation and her pain. The need I found in her eyes was oppressive, overwhelming, consuming.

"Help me," she pleaded, using the hand of her uninjured arm to pull my body against hers. She began pulling at the fabric of her shirt, silently conveying to me what she needed help with. Some distant part of me warned that there was more to her pleas for help than what appeared on the surface. The help she was looking for was more than just this.

I battled momentarily with warring parts of myself. The part of me that felt this was invasive, indecent and inappropriate. The part that was still trapped in an archaic world, where seeing one in such an intimate way was strictly forbidden until marriage.

And the other part of me, the part that was more driven by my need to protect and care for Bella than the arbitrary rules of a long forgotten world, understood her needs.

I pulled at the fabric, tugging it over her head pulling her uninjured arm through and feeding it along the injured arm while aiming to disturb it as little as possible. She had no undergarments on – those had been torn off her by Paul.

She stood before me, completely bare.

Her eyes were locked on mine, her breathing ragged and her eyes teeming with a desperation I couldn't quite place. Her shoulders heaved with the force of her laboured breathing.

Her hand reached out and pulled on the soaking wet fabric of my shirt, pulling it up, trying to guide it over my head with the aide of her only functioning hand.

Where was this going? What were we doing?

Bella leaned forward, standing directly beneath the stream of water flowing from the showerhead, and pulled my body back against hers, our bare chests pressing together. She sighed, a sound of relief, and then pressed her lips against mine, gently.

Her lips moved against me, alone at first until I joined her, moving in tandem now. It was slow and gentle, my hands finding the smallness of her waist and wrapping around it. I was overcome quickly with my own desire, the agony and despair I had been feeling was quickly and easily transformed into something more powerful: lust.

I was stunned by it. By the force of it. By the inappropriateness of it. Part of me could feel it, that this didn't fit, that we should stop. But other parts of me felt like this was the only thing that was holding us together, the only thing that was helping us through these unbearable moments.

Before long our lips grew more desperate, more fervent. We were encouraged by the intensity of one another. Bella's lips were more permissive now, opening in some moments, moulding against mine in others.

My tongue darted out, swiping along the fullness of her bottom lip and in seconds I had pulled my body from hers, my back pressed against the tiles of the shower. The flames of thirst lapped at my throat, scorching me from the inside out. For a second, a fraction of a moment, the animal inside of me was thrown off course, thirsting only for her blood, distracted from all else.

I felt the venom pool in my mouth as I imagined my teeth slicing into the thin skin on the column of her neck, my lips pressing down around the open wound, lapping at the blood, sucking it into my mouth and allowing it to slide down my throat.

I was pulled quickly from the despicable, devious thoughts by the look on her face.

Her eyes were confused, hurt, desperate.

Her brows knit together in confusion, her question evident, even in her silence.

"Your blood," I grunted out, and realization dawned on her sorrowful features. Her fingers pressed against her lip, dragging across the small cut that was clotted and healing.

She looked dejected for a second, but then she stopped and stilled. She moved across the space between us, closing the gap, pressing against me once more.

Her lips met mine but I remained motionless.

They were moving against me, their softness pulling me in, tempting me, inviting me to replicate their tempo.

She pulled away, breathless and whispered "you won't hurt me."

I gazed at her longingly, overwhelmed by my desire and lust, my thirst fading to the background in the wake of the other, more powerful emotions.

"I can't, Bella. I can't hurt you," I groaned, agonized.

"You won't," she explained, her confidence evident. She didn't waver. Her lips found mine again and the soft skin of her upper body was pressing against me, setting me aflame in the intensity of her heat.

How could I be so careless?

How could she be so sure?

And then I understood, the realization hit me all at once.

I tasted her blood. Her blood had hit my lips and while the thirst had ignited, the painful, familiar burn scratching at my throat without mercy, the foremost thought in my mind hadn't been my thirst. It had been her. Her safety. My lust. My desire.

I moved my lips against hers again, gently, testing the waters. Testing myself.

Her lips parted, inviting me in, her intoxicating scent travelling up and around me, calling to me like the song of a siren. My tongue swiped again across her bottom lip and I tasted her blood, the flames bursting inside of me, lapping at my throat, thoughts of her blood swirling around in my mind, mixing in with the thoughts of her body, the softness of her skin, the scent of her and her arousal.

It all mixed together, a powerful cocktail of desire.

I pulled away from her, grabbing the white cotton washcloth off the wall of the shower, pushing it under the stream of water until it was soaked through. I placed it on her bottom lip, patting against the healing cut, wiping away the congealed blood that was sitting there without reopening the wound. I guided the cloth across her lips, down her chin and her chest, wiping away all the traces of her blood, leaving only her pale, inviting skin instead.

"I trust you," she cooed, reassuring me while her mouth pressed against my jaw, travelling down towards my neck where she left small kisses in her wake.

My hands travelled along her body, moving from her waist, one scooping around behind her back, resting just above her bottom, right in between the small dimples of her back. The other travelled upwards, towards the swell of her breasts where it stayed, pressed against the warm flesh, the pinkness of her nipple pressing against my palm.

She moaned softly when I moved my hand to her breast, cupping the flesh, easily covering it with the palm of my hand. She pressed against me, encouraging me further, arching her body against mine until the heat of her core was flush to me.

Her hand raked across my chest, travelling down my abdomen, catching in the musculature there, raking further downwards. She stopped when she met the button of my pants, her hand pulling at it, trying but failing to undo it.

I moved my hand from her breast and placed it atop hers, stilling her.

She looked up at me with pained eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you," I said again, my lips pressed against her ear.

She pulled away and looked at me, her eyes contemplative and serious.

"You won't," she encouraged.

"You don't know that, Bella. I'm barely holding it together as it is," I explained, pushing my hand through the tangles of her hair, letting it rest on the space where her heart was thumping wildly.

"I need you," she whispered, "he's all I can feel and I need to feel something else. I need you. Make me yours, Edward. Please."

All hope was lost at those words.

 _Mine. Hers._

The words echoed in my mind, twisting together with every other convoluted emotion I was warring against. Melting together with my desire, burgeoning against the uncontainable lust pulsing through me.

"I'm yours," I kissed her neck, my lips travelling along the bluish bruises beginning to form there, "and you are mine," I assured her, lapping at her skin with my tongue, savouring the taste of her flesh.

"Show me," she encouraged "take me, Edward. Please. I trust you… I love you."

I was powerless.

The war inside of me came to a halt.

My hands returned to the hidden corners of her body, my fingers finding the hardness of her nipple, gently rolling it between my thumb and forefinger while my other hand came to rest against the flesh of her bottom, gripping it tightly, pulling her closer against me.

She moaned and the sound pushed me further outside of my control.

I dipped my head down, my tongue and lips trailing across her neck, down to her chest until the flesh of her other breast was pulling across my face. I parted my lips, my tongue finding her nipple as I pulled it into my mouth.

Fire was burning inside of me.

Everything else fell to the wayside. I couldn't recall Paul or the images he'd permanently implanted into my mind. I couldn't see anything beyond this moment. Beyond Bella. Beyond the softness of her flesh or the pinkness of her nipples. Or the way her mouth fell open as a soft moan rolled out of her.

I found her thighs and pulled them up and around my hips, resting them there, my mouth never leaving her breast. I moved back until she was pressed against the wall, her back against the tiles with my body holding her in place.

My hand travelled downwards, my mouth on hers again while my fingers came to find the hottest part of her body. I rested there, unmoving, at the apex of her thighs. I waited for her to adjust, for her to consent, for her to agree to this.

She was rocking against me, her entire body gyrating, her heat pushing against me with more intensity than before.

"Bella?" I ground out, my voice barely a whisper.

"Please," was all she could say in reply.

And it was all I needed.

I allowed my fingers to move now, finding her heat and exploring it, marvelling at the way she responded, at the way she arched forward to increase the contact. She moaned softly, her hand tangling in my hair as she kissed me anywhere her lips could find purchase.

I held her against the wall, her legs wrapped around my hips while my fingers worked through her folds.

Her heart was thumping loudly, her breathing growing ragged, her hips moving, never stilling.

She was close, I could tell. Her cheeks, which had previously been ashen white, were flushed and red. She threw her head back and closed her eyes, moaning all the while.

"Edward," she breathed.

"I love you," I whispered into her hair, kissing the top of her head while my fingers dipped lower, pressing into her, moving in and out with a gentleness that stunned me.

I was in control. I was managing. But there was no way I could move beyond this and still make sure she was safe. I was on the edge of my control, barely clinging to it.

She offered me more encouragement, her movements growing more feverish by the second. I moved faster, my fingers playing with her flesh, dipping inside of her, rolling against her. Her release was building, her chest heaving and her shoulders rising and falling as she moved closer and closer.

I watched in awe as she came undone in front of me, her muscles tensing, her mouth falling open, her body shaking lightly in her ecstasy. Her head dropped, falling against my shoulder, her body slumping forward.

I could hear her crying, but before I could launch into a tailspin of panic she pulled her head from my shoulder and pressed a finger against my lips.

"Thank you," she cried. I nearly doubled over from the weight of my lust. Her wild, tangled hair splayed across her forehead and shoulders, her pink lips, swollen and reddened from their ministrations, her pale skin, pinked slightly from her release.

It was consuming. The most glorious sight I'd ever seen. The most beautiful memory my mind contained.

And then her hand was pulling against my zipper again, grazing her fingers across the bulge pressing against the denim of my pants.

I caught her hand in place, stilling it.

"We can't," I explained, fighting against my lust, forcing the words out of my mouth.

There was nothing more I wanted than to lay claim to Bella, to be inside of her, to feel her in her most intimate places. But I knew I shouldn't. I knew I couldn't.

I knew this wouldn't be safe. I couldn't trust myself. The tensions of the night were worked into my muscles, woven into the joints of my body, coiling inside of me, tightening like a spring waiting to snap.

"I don't trust my self-control right now."

Her legs dropped from around my hips, falling to ground as I placed her gently down.

Her head was bowed and her body tensed.

I placed a finger underneath her chin, pulling it up so that I could see her eyes.

"You're exquisite, and I love you. I want nothing more than this right now, Bella. I want nothing more than to be with you in the most intimate of ways, but I can't assure your safety. Not right now."

"Why not?"

I sighed, pressing my lips to her hair as I pulled her into my arms.

"I know that tonight was painful for you beyond measure, Bella." She stiffened at my words.

"Seeing you in pain… seeing you hurt and in danger… it does things to me. I'm not a man Bella, not really. There are parts of me that are no better than an animal and those are the parts of me I'm battling with right now. It builds up and I need to unleash it, but I can't risk that happening when we're together. Being with you… it's changes me in irrevocable ways. It opens parts of me that have never been opened before. I'm afraid of what will happen while I'm still in this state of rage…"

It was painful, the honesty. But it was necessary. I couldn't keep concealing the truth from her, not when it had hurt her so many times before.

"I need you…" she said softly.

"You have me," I assured her, "always, my love."

"It's the only thing… it's the only thing that holds me together."

"Let me hold you, love?"

She nodded, resting in my arms, her muscles relaxed and untensed for the first time in what felt like years. I scooped her up in my arms, walked out of the shower, pulling a clean towel from the shelf and draping it over her body.

I took her into my bedroom, sat her down on my bed and worked at drying her off, taking care to be gentle as I did. My hands roamed across the planes of her body, my lust growing uncontainable as I surveyed her majestic body, glowing in the pale light of the moon.

For the first time in a very long time her broken body wasn't the first thing I saw when I looked at her. Instead, I noted the delicate curvature of her body, the way it swelled in some places and pulled in in others. The fullness of her lips, the softness of her skin, the heaviness of her eyes, laced with lust and fatigue.

"You're surreal, Bella."

Her eyes widened a bit, and she smiled a small, but purposeful smile. I reached across the bed for one of my shirts, pulling it over her head and down her body. I slipped off my wet pants, pulling a pair of pajama pants from my drawer, tucking into my closet to undress. Then we settled in under the thick blankets of the bed, creating a barrier between us because I was worried she'd be too cold. She pushed the covers away, protesting the lack of contact between our bodies.

I surrendered and held her against me.

It was all I could do amid the grief and the sadness. It was all I could do to hold her. To feel her next to me, to know that she was safe, in my arms. To know that I could bring her pleasure that clouded out her perpetual pain. I was high on the feeling of it, while simultaneously aching with the intensity and depth of her pain.

I wasn't sure I could ever be enough. I wasn't sure this could ever be enough to heal the parts of her that she shielded from me.

But for now, this could be enough.

* * *

 **A/N:** So, this chapter was originally going to be part of a much longer chapter, but it felt right to leave this as a standalone. As I said above, I'm nervous about this one - so please tell me your thoughts.

This doesn't give you the answers you might be looking for about what happened to Paul, but I promise we'll hear things from Edward's perspective next chapter that will clear things up. For now, they both needed this moment to find each other again.

Special thanks to those that reviewed and to those that have reached out to let me know what this story means to them. You're gems and you keep me grounded and remind me of how important this story is to me. Thank you.

xx,

-missmarlee


	26. Hollow

Chapter 26 – Hollow

I groaned against the sheets that had, at some point, pulled up and over my face. I could feel the heat of the sun pouring through the window, igniting all the nerve endings on my skin, awakening me in the most pleasant and gentle way possible. In my early morning haze my uninjured arm reached out and grazed the empty space next to my bedside searching for the cool and granite-like body that was, apparently, no longer resting next to me.

His absence sent a wave of panic crashing through me, and the sleepy haze that I was engrossed in was nowhere to be found anymore. I felt my heart thudding wildly against my ribs, the pulsating beat crawling up and through me, ringing out in my ears.

"Bella, I'm here."

His soft voice coursed through the room with an uneasy gentleness. My eyes were pressed together, so I couldn't see him, but I could feel the bed shift under his weight as he climbed in next to me.

"Where were you?" I struggled out between anxious breaths.

"Downstairs, love. I wasn't far."

His hand found mine as he pulled me into his arms, moving us both down the bed so we were laying side by side. His fingers pulled through my hair while his lips pressed against my forehead.

I exhaled, feeling calm wash over me again.

We lay there, together, in the silence for a while longer. The sun was beating down on my skin through the window of his room, burning into me with an intensity that was unusual for Forks. I wanted to open my eyes, not only to remind myself that he was here, and real, but because I longed to see his skin glisten and dance in the rays of light cascading down around us.

But I couldn't.

There was a question, burning, raging and brewing inside of me. Tugging at all the pieces of me, like an acid corroding away at my core.

The events of the night before were percolating in my mind, the reminders fresh and imprinted in my flesh. My neck was sore, my bones exhausted and my arm searing in pain.

There was no avoiding this.

The moments before which had been marked with the bliss of awakening peacefully and gently were ripped away from me. And reality was crashing down around me again.

Fear beat through me with each pulse of my heart, clanging inside of me like the drums of doom.

"Edward?"

I choked on his name, as I was sure I would choke on these words about to pour from me.

"What is it, Bella?"

His hands snaked around my waist, pulling me against him. The relief of his bare chest and icy cold skin pressed against me was palpable.

"Is he… is he dead?"

There was silence.

Only for a few moments, but it was long enough that I felt everything inside of me tighten and contract painfully.

Edward kissed the top of my head before speaking.

"No."

I shook against him, just for a second, long enough that he noticed and rested a cool hand against my face. And then I pulled myself back in, pulling back on the parts of me that were beginning to fray and unravel.

"We kept him alive intentionally," he explained, his voice low and tender. He has information that we need. But I promise you Bella, he's incapable of harming you. He'll never touch you again. And he's only being kept alive long enough for us to extract as much information as possible."

"Information…" I stuttered out, putting two and two together easily, "information about Victoria… and about what her plan is?"

"Yes," he confirmed.

I let the silence ruminate around me while I processed the information.

I wasn't sure what I felt, the emotions were buzzing so anxiously inside of me that I couldn't capture them long enough to understand them.

But then the questions started pouring out before I could stop them.

"Where is he?"

"On the Quileute lands. He's being guarded by Sam's pack and Jasper is there as well."

"Have you… did you see him yet?"

"No. I didn't leave your side all night, love, save for this morning. I went downstairs to speak with Carlisle briefly."

"Has he said anything?"

I was terrified of my question and even more terrified of the answer.

"Nothing useful."

I froze in place, my body becoming rigid in Edward's arms.

"He hasn't given us any pertinent information, yet," he clarified, aware of my reaction and my obvious interpretation of what he'd said.

"But he's said something… he's said… things?"

Edward was silent.

And his silence was answer enough.

"Yes."

I could feel the tears building, the panic rising, my body shuddering. My stomach was clenching tightly and I felt like any second and I would be heaving out the contents of my stomach all over the pristine white sheets of Edward's bed.

"Bella, love. Relax. Please," he begged.

My heart clenched. How many times would this beautiful man have to watch me crack in half, fall to pieces and disintegrate in front of his eyes? How much more could he withstand?

"Jasper…" I rasped out, "what does he think of me…"

It wasn't meant to be a question, but the filter between my thoughts and my words was starting crumble.

"He thinks no differently of you. He loves you."

"And you?"

"I love you. Nothing will ever change that. There is no force powerful enough to change how I feel about you. Don't you know that, love? Can't you feel that?"

I couldn't face his question, because I wasn't as sure of the answer as I wanted to be.

"How will they keep him there? How will they make sure he doesn't escape?"

"He's heavily guarded and there is someone watching him at all times. Last night, when I came back to you outside of Charlie's house, I got hold of him, and found a fairly permanent solution to make sure he isn't physically capable of harming you again."

I could tell her was reluctant to elaborate, but the longing to know what burning a hole in me.

"I don't understand. What do you mean? What did you do?"

"I crushed the majority of the bones in his body," he answered darkly, his voice soft, low and lethal.

My head was pounding, Edward's words ringing in my ears.

"But he'll heal…"

Edward said nothing.

I opened my eyes for the first time, his face inches from my own and glistening brilliantly in the rays of light surrounding us.

It was breathtaking.

"Edward?"

"He won't heal if we keep rebreaking the bones," he explained, his eyes flashing from dark brown to a near shade of black.

I swallowed thickly, my body suddenly aflame with the image of Paul's body cracking. I imagined the sound, letting it overtake all my senses.

Relief washed over me.

And I exhaled, long and slow.

Deeply satisfied.

* * *

I stood in front of the wall length mirror in Edward's washroom, glancing at the broken, jarring angles of my body. I'd become unrecognizable. A waif of what I'd used to be. Angular and hard, the softness almost completely absent in my body.

I surveyed the damage of yesterday, noting the hues of bruises that were beginning to darken against the pallor of my skin. A large, black and blue smattering of bruise was highlighting my sallow and sunken eyes.

My neck was red and raw from where Paul's hands had gripped me, suffocating the life force from my body.

I couldn't bare it. I shut my eyes and braced myself against the wall, waffling in place like autumn leaf folding against itself under the weight of its own demise.

Edward knocked softly on the door, his voice carrying through to me like a life line.

"Can I come in?"

I glanced down at myself, feeling the conflict of several different emotions clawing away at me.

I was ashamed of my body… this body. This body that was nothing like the body he'd once known, this body that was blackened and bruised, scarred and wasting away. The angularity of it and the sallowness that pushed bone against skin in an unnatural way was eliciting strong feelings of shame in me.

But I was almost completely nude, save for my bra and panties, with no way of dressing myself on my own. And just the night before I'd been completely bare in front of him, with nothing to guard myself behind. He'd been witness to it all and he hadn't turned away in disgust and contempt.

Maybe he could still find beauty in the mess of battered limbs that I had become.

"Yes, come in," I sighed, struggling with my apparent lack of self-sufficiency.

I wrapped an arm across my chest and another across my stomach, trying to conceal what I could of myself, trying to save Edward the anguish of having to see me this way again.

He tried to look cavalier and unaffected. But I saw his reaction in the subtle details of his face and body.

His tensed jaw, his eyes blackening and his body tightening against itself.

I interpreted his reaction as disappointment and disgust, immediately awakening remorse in me.

"I'm sorry," I offered weakly, my eyes casting downward to the marbled floor beneath my feet.

His hands came to rest on my arms, pulling them away from my body, resting them against my sides.

"Don't hide yourself from me," he pleaded, placing a finger underneath my chin, pulling it upwards so my eyes were more level to his.

"I have nothing left… nothing left that you recognize anymore."

His hand pressed against the space above my heart.

"I recognize all of you, Bella. You're the same you've always been," he explained, lips pressing down against mine and moving so slowly and tenderly it left me breathless.

I steadied myself against the wall behind me.

"But I'm not what I used to be," I whispered, gesturing to my body, but referring to so much more than just my body.

"Your soul, Bella… nothing could ever change your soul, love. It's a beacon of beauty and light. It holds me together, it gives me life."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Can you still love me. Can you still love this?" I pointed toward myself, petrified of my question and of his answer.

"I love every bit of you, this way, or the way you were before – I love all of it and I will for the rest of eternity."

"But you know now, don't you?"

"What do I know?"

"You saw."

"Yes."

"And you can't unsee it, can you?"

Silence.

"Can you?"

More silence.

"I know you can't," I explained, "I know you can't because neither can I. I feel it in my skin, in my bones, in my blood. Memories, pressed into every fibre of me, tangled up in all the other things that make up who I am. It lives inside of me now, like it has it's own burning life force and I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of it."

"But you don't need to."

"But how I can live with this? How can you? How can _we_?"

"Bella…"

"No," I interrupted him before he could continue, "tell me how, Edward. Tell me how you can still look at me, or touch me, or feel my body… without seeing him and everything he did. You can't erase those images. They're trapped inside of you, woven into you, just like they're woven into me."

I found his eyes, holding them there with my own, searching for his answer, searing through him, pulling away at the layers of control he'd constructed, struggling to find the answer I was looking for.

"I know what it'll do to you, because I know what it's done to me… what it's still doing to me. You can't tell me I'm wrong."

"No. You're right, but you're also wrong. I can see it, yes. I can hear his thoughts in my mind as clearly now as they were then. And they'll never fade. It isn't possible for those memories to fade. It's the curse of a mind that isn't bound by human frailties – a perfect memory. But we are so much more than those moments. You have so much more life to live, so much more to build. Those were moments in time, but they aren't all of time. You are so much more than what he did to you, Bella. I can see that as clearly as I can see you standing in front of me. And I believe you'll see that one day, too. When you're ready."

"This is part of you now, and there is no part of you I don't want to know. Knowing this… it helps me understand your pain. It'll help me to help you heal."

I couldn't find words, because I was too busy revelling in his. His voice was wrapped in so much love and conviction that it was impossible to doubt him.

So I would believe him.

Even if it was just for now. Just for this moment.

"Let me help you get dressed, love? Carlisle would like to have a look at your arm. He wants to make sure you're medically ok."

"Ok," I agreed.

Edward pulled a white cotton shirt of his over my head, tenderly guiding my injured arm through. He helped me into a pair of loose, grey sweatpants and tied back my hair, letting it settle in a neat bun at the base of my neck.

And then he leaned down and kissed my eyes, one at a time, his icy lips sending a shiver through me.

I could feel it.

I could feel his love.

And for a moment, it filled me, eclipsing all other feelings.

* * *

I sat on a stool directly in front of the island kitchen counter in the Cullen's kitchen. I watched in awe as Edward moved with precision around the kitchen, pulling ingredients from the fridge and the cupboard as he prepared what appeared to be a gourmet feast.

"I'm not really that hungry, you know."

Edward didn't skip a beat as he continued to work his way around the kitchen, cracking eggs with one hand into a glass bowl while the other expertly manoeuvered a whisk.

"Breakfast is the most important meal, Bella," he said between smiling lips, apparently pleased with his wielding of a human cliche.

"Sure," I agreed, not wanting to admit how desperate I was to avoid eating. It didn't matter how delicious the food was, or how appetizing it might have once seemed to me, it no longer held the same appeal. The moment whatever I ate hit my lips I felt a strong urge to expel it from my body. My body's physiological reaction to food had been completely transformed, and I couldn't pinpoint exactly what had been the impetus for the change.

"Where's Carlisle?" I asked while I absently fiddled with the placemat sitting on the counter in front of me.

"He'll be in shortly. He's taking a phone call in his office."

Earlier, as Edward had helped me out of his room and downstairs, Carlisle had sped past us at an unnaturally fast speed, flying into his office with his cell phone in hand. It was so unlike Carlisle to not stop and say good morning or hello, and it seemed especially odd given that Edward had told me mere moments before that he wanted to examine my arm this morning.

I tried to brush the thoughts away, but questions about who Carlisle could be speaking with kept creeping up in my mind.

"Where's everyone else?" I wondered aloud, mildly annoyed that Edward seemed to be so intent on keeping me distracted and unaware.

"They're all doing their parts to put some safe guards into place that will help ensure your safety."

I scoffed, annoyed at the obvious vagueness Edward was trying to pull off. It was frustrating, especially when he'd been honest with me upstairs, without hesitation. It felt like we were turning a corner and suddenly something had shifted.

Before I could question him, he placed a beautifully arranged plate in front of me. It smelled exquisite and appeared to be a fresh herb and vegetable omelet garnished with citrus fruits and paired with a glass of orange juice.

I smiled down at the plate, grateful for the effort and intrigued by how wonderful it smelled and looked, but all the while certain that there was no way I could put this inside of my body without seeing it come back up again a few minutes later.

"Thank you," I whispered, staring down at the plate as Edward took a seat next to me.

"Where did you learn to cook?"

"I picked up a few things here and there from Esme's mind – she reads several culinary books a week, you know, all exploring cuisine from around the world and from a variety of different cultures. She enjoys fantasizing about that aspect of being human."

"It looks and smells fantastic," I offered as I pulled a silver fork from the white napkin that was folded around it. I pushed at the food on the plate, prodding it as I moved it around in a non-committal way.

Edward sighed next to me, leaning in closer.

"You have to eat, Bella," he urged, sounding concerned.

"I know, and I will. I am."

"You're not. You're pushing food around on your plate in an effort to make it seem like you're eating. Trust me, I know more about pretending to eat than you ever could."

He was right. He was no stranger to this charade.

"It just doesn't sit right," I explained, looking up at him uneasily.

"What do you mean?"

I paused, hesitating to explain.

"My body doesn't really feel hungry in the same way anymore… I'll feel weak, or exhausted, but it doesn't translate into hunger anymore. And when I do eat, sometimes it just feels like I can't hold it down."

Edward sighed, "I'm sorry… how long has this been going on?"

I thought for a moment, trying to figure out exactly when this had started. It had intensified after the pregnancy, and when my body was in really horrible condition eating was almost impossible. But it had started in a milder fashion well before then.

My mind combed over the last several months, trying to imagine when this had all started. I thought back as far as I could, trying to draw and connection to things with Paul and my issues with food.

And then I was struck with the realization that the source hadn't been Paul at all. Things with him had intensified the aversion to food, but it had started well before his brutality against my body.

It had started the day Edward left.

I couldn't – no, I _wouldn't_ share this with Edward. It would crush him, it would destroy him. It would make him feel even worse than he already did. So much of the pain I'd suffered after Edward had left had been shoved deep inside of me, stifled by everything that Paul had done, easily forgotten amidst the chaos that surrounded me.

I was growing frantic, trying to find a way to avoid the question with my answer, but I was coming up short.

Then, as if on cue, Carlisle appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, his eyes pulling down at the corners while his lips turned up in what appeared to be a forced smile.

He was also hiding something, I was sure.

"Good morning," he nodded in mine and Edward's direction, smiling all the while.

I nodded in his direction, grateful for his appearance and for the distraction in provided.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" He pushed off the doorframe and came to stand next to me, his palms flattened against the stone counter as he eyed me thoughtfully.

"I'm ok," I lied.

"Hm," he hummed, unconvinced.

"I'm sorry for everything that transpired yesterday. We were all caught off guard by yesterday's events, and we tried to make it back to you and Edward in time, but as I'm sure you've come to understand, we were ambushed by Victoria's coven of newborns."

"I know… and you _did_ make it back in time…"

"Yes, but I wish it hadn't gone as far as it did…" there was an edge of pain in Carlisle's voice that left me breathless, his eyes glistening with his sadness as his eyes studied me with overwhelming tenderness.

"I'm ok," I insisted, unsure of how to hold space for the sadness that was pouring out of him.

A cold hand pressed gently against my cheek in what I realized was an effort to wipe the tears that had started to fall.

"It's ok to not be ok, Bella."

Edward's voice was soft and gentle as he addressed me.

And in this moment, their pain was too much to hold. Their sadness was too overwhelming a burden to bear. Try as they might to conceal it from me, it was impossible to miss.

I dropped the fork that had been in my hand down against the porcelain plate where it landed with a loud thud. I pushed away from the counter and stood, shaking on my feet, intent on walking away from this.

Away from this room.

Away from these men,

Away from this moment and all the pain that had tangled and woven itself into our lives.

"Bella?" Edward called after me as I rushed from the room in a futile attempt to carve out a moment of space.

I couldn't collapse into a heap of sobs and messiness in front of them – not again.

The room was completely silent save for the shuffling sound of my feet as I moved towards the staircase, but I knew that Edward was close behind me. I could feel his presence, his body, inches away from mine.

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to face him, willing myself to hold on to the tears for just a few seconds longer – just long enough so that I could fall to pieces without him seeing me. Perhaps, if I was quiet, I could fall to pieces without either of them knowing, quietly, on my own terms, in my own way.

"Edward, please," I begged, trying to convey what I needed.

He didn't respond. He stayed completely still, his eyes catching the distance while his body angled away from me.

He was hearing something that I could not, I realized.

I froze in place, my mind conjuring up images of a broken and battered Paul having escaped from the confines of his captors, intent on destroying me.

Edward growled lowly and turned his head toward me "stay here," he commanded before rushing away from me in a blur.

He was immediately replaced by Carlisle who held his hands out in a tender show of safety.

"It's not what you think, Bella. It isn't Paul," he assured me, keeping enough distance between us so that I didn't feel overwhelmed by his presence.

"Who is it?"

My quivering voice was unrecognizable, even to myself.

Carlisle thought for a brief moment before answering me.

"It's Jacob Black."

I sighed in relief.

Jacob.

My friend – not someone that was here to hurt me or the ones I loved.

"I don't understand then… why is Edward upset?"

Carlisle cleared his throat, a completely needless, but remarkably human, gesture.

"Edward is wary of werewolves. As we all are, Bella. And not just because of what has happened to you. But because werewolves are notoriously temperamental creatures."

"But Jacob wouldn't hurt me," I countered.

"I'm inclined to agree, but Edward is being exceptionally cautious…"

He didn't complete the sentence, but I knew what he was trying to convey.

Edward was being exceptionally cautious because the last temperamental werewolf I'd come across nearly killed me with his bare hands.

"Oh."

"May I have a look at your arm?"

My mind was busy running through the complicated tangle of emotions that were overwhelming me.

"Ok," I agreed, lowering myself down into a seated position on the step I'd been standing on.

Carlisle sat next to me, his hand coming to rest on my arm. I flinched at his touch. It wasn't the cold, it was just a built-in reaction to being touched by anyone other than Edward – not to mention that my arm really did hurt.

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

"That's relative, I guess." I measured pain differently now, having experienced so many types of it and such extreme versions.

"Yes, I suppose it is. I guess the more important question is: does it hurt?"

"Yes," I replied robotically.

"I see. I'm sure Edward explained to you that your shoulder was dislocated?"

"Yes, he did. I think he popped it back into place, though."

"Yes, it's back in place. The surrounding tissue is quite inflamed. Have you taken anything for the pain?"

"No, I can manage the pain."

"You don't have to, you know. A simple anti-inflammatory would help quite significantly."

"I'm ok," I insisted. Carlisle's hand ran up and down my arm as he pressed gently in some spots and harder in others. I winced, despite my efforts to reign in my reaction. I couldn't bare laying out any more of my vulnerabilities right now.

"I think it would be beneficial to wear a sling for the next week or so, just to allow time for healing without agitating the arm too much."

"Sure."

"And your face – it looks quite bruised and swollen, though there is no laceration that I can see. A mild painkiller might help with that, too."

I realized as soon as he mentioned it that I was in a lot of pain. It was relative, for sure, because this was nothing compared to the pain I'd been in before, but it was significant enough to bother me.

"Of course," Carlisle started, a caveat apparent in his voice, "if I gave you something for the pain you would need to eat something. These medications can't really be tolerated on an empty stomach…"

I ignored Carlisle, because in the distance, if I strained to hear, I could hear the sound of soft shouting. It was dull, almost muted, but I was sure that whoever it was wasn't very far away.

"Let me see her!" A frustrated cry rang through the door.

Jacob.

I jumped up, rushed past Carlisle and wrenched the front door open with my remaining good arm.

Standing in the distanc was Jacob, surrounded by Emmett, Alice, Edward and Rosalie.

"Jake…" his name fell from my lips, a gentle echo of a sound. But, of course, all the present company heard me as clearly as though I'd shouted it as loudly as I could.

All five faces turned to face me, with Edward's looking the most harrowing of all.

"Bella, please! Go back inside," Edward urged.

"Jake…" I said again, my eyes falling on the face of my friend.

He looked at my carefully, his head tilting to the side as he did.

"Shit."

It was all he said, but it made my heart thud loudly in my chest, thundering against my rib cage so hard I worried it might break me in half.

"What the fuck did he do to you?"

Edward snarled, angling away from me, crouching down as though he was preparing to lunge at Jacob.

I realized that Jacob hadn't seen me… not since the last time Paul had gotten his hands on me.

Edward snarled again, yelling expletives Jacob's way as he threatened him, ordering him to leave.

I walked down the steps of the porch, and walked until I'd almost completely closed the distance between the convergence of people I loved and myself.

"Bella, please, go. This isn't safe."

I held up a hand and looked at Jacob, my eyes unwavering.

"I think, by now, I know what's safe and what isn't, Edward," I shot back, my words clipped and curt.

"I'm ok," I told Jacob, still staring at him, effectively ignoring the sounds of disapproval flooding out of the people around me.

There, in that moment, as I stood in front of the person that had grown into my confidante, my friend, my protector – I found what I needed.

Jacob looked stunned, his eyes wet with tears and his hands balled into fists at his sides.

"I'm sorry," he offered, his head bowed in what appeared to be shame and remorse.

"You didn't do anything."

"Exactly."

"But you didn't know… right?"

His head shot up and an incredulous look overwhelmed his face.

"Of course not… if I'd known… I'd have killed him on the spot. We all would have."

"Then you have nothing to be sorry about," I paused, my eyes scanning every one of the faces that surrounded me, "none of you have anything to be sorry for. None of you did this to me…"

"Bella…" Edward groaned, clearly growing more and more uncomfortable by the second.

But I didn't want this.

Not right now.

For now, I just wanted to forget.

I just wanted to be in the company of someone that could help me forget.

I wanted to feel nothing, or something that was so different and far from this feeling.

I needed something, anything, to fill the hollowness that was suffocating me.

"Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's Charlie?"

"He's out fishing for the day. Harry Clearwater made him go, we didn't want him accidentally lurking around the res… cause, well, you know…"

"Yeah, good thinking. Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you take me to Charlie's house?"

"Bella?! No, absolutely not," Edward argued.

"Why not? I'll be safe with Jacob."

"Please, be reasonable. This is the safest place for you to be right now. At least until we figure out where Victoria is and what she's up to," Alice said with a vehemence that matched Edward's.

"Jake can keep me safe, can't you Jake?"

"Well… yeah. I can."

Jacob looked confused and unsure, but I caught his eyes and tried to silently convey what I was trying to do.

It seemed to click because a second later he was on board and trying to find a workable way to make it happen.

"Yeah. Charlie's is a safe bet. I can get some of the guys to hang around the area and keep an eye out for anything suspicious. We could even have one or two bloodsuckers nearby, just in case."

I turned to face Edward, my face full of pleading.

"I don't need your permission, Edward, but I'll ask for it anyway, because I don't want you to feel like my safety is being compromised. I don't want to leave you in that kind of distress. I just need some… space. I just need something to distract me, something else to focus on. I just want a break from the heaviness."

Edward looked completely speechless, his mouth dropping open without making a sound. Edward searched the clearing until his eyes landed on Carlisle who, at some point, had joined our convergence.

His eyes were desperate, sad, confused… all of the things I was trying to pry away from, everything I needed space from right now.

"She's medically fine, Edward. And Jacob will ensure her safety, of that much I'm sure. We'll have Emmett and Rosalie nearby and it'll give you and I a chance to take care of some other business we need to attend to." Carlisle's eyebrows raised as he spoke, trying to infer some silent message to Edward.

Edward's shoulders dropped and his head dipped down as he studied the gravel ground beneath his feet. He lifted his head, staring at Emmett and Rosalie with an unparalleled seriousness.

"You'll make sure she's safe?"

"We will," Rosalie agreed.

"She couldn't be any safer with me and Rose around," Emmett encouraged, his fist smashing against the palm of his hand in a threatening gesture.

"You can call me the moment you'd like to come back, ok?"

"I know." I reached a hand out and rested it against his face, lingering there for a moment as I closed the gap between us to place a gentle kiss on the cool stone of his lips.

"I love you," I murmured, dazed by the feeling of his icy, sweet breath washing over my face.

"I love you," he agreed before spinning on his heel to face Jacob.

Jacob stared at Edward straight on, intensity flaring.

"You'd better – and we won't be far, anyway," Edward warned, clearly answering some silent promise Jacob had conveyed in his thoughts.

I inhaled, certain I was close to losing my mind entirely, but ignoring the agonizing feeling as soon as it crept up, smothering it back down inside of me. I needed a release, an escape of some sort because the realization that my pain was more than just what Paul had done, that there were still open wounds inside of me that belonged to Edward … it was overwhelming.

How much more could we bare before the burden broke us beyond repair?

* * *

"So… your… um… face…?"

Jacob sounded unsure and unsteady as he spoke to me while effortlessly guiding Edward's Volvo through the thick of the night.

"Yeah. It hurts," I agreed.

"Yeah… sorry…"

"Jacob?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Don't do what everyone else does. Don't tiptoe around me. Just say what you think… what you feel. It's part of the reason I love you so much. I can always count on you to be honest with me, even when it sucks."

Jacob smirked, and nodded.

"Ok. I can live with that. I just didn't know if things had… changed. You know?"

"Yeah. I know. And they have changed, I guess. I've changed," I explained, leaning my head back against the headrest as I searched out in the darkness of the night, "but some of me is still the same. For instance, I still love your ridiculous sense of humour, and your willingness to tell me the things I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear them."

"Is that why you wanted me to take you away from there?"

"I guess so. It's just so intense, all of it. Edward hasn't been back for very long, and that's hard in its own way. And everything else… it's just too much. I just need a second to breathe."

"I get that. But… are you saying you don't want him to be back?"

I laughed, low and without any humour.

"No. Not at all. Edward is everything I want. But I don't know how to just forget. I can't forget. And I can't barter with myself anymore."

"What do you mean, Bells? You're being weird and cryptic."

"Sorry. I just mean that I can't bargain with the warring parts of myself anymore. Part of me needs him in this really overwhelming and agonizing way. Like, I feel like I can't breathe unless he's near me. And then sometimes I just snap right in the other direction and I remember all of the pain that I've connected to him. It's like my mind can't choose between processing the stuff with… Paul… or the stuff with Edward."

"Ah, I see. I feel that too, sometimes."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I hate him, you know. I can't help it. I know you love him. I know he's like… everything to you or something, but I know what he did to you. I saw what it did to you when he left you like that. I can't get that out of my head. But I also know that you need him… so, I don't know. I 'wanna hate him, but I also can't."

I nodded, understanding exactly what he meant.

"It's weird… being heartbroken seems so much easier now that I've been broken in other ways. Heartbreak isn't insurmountable… but the other stuff, I think it might be."

"I don't think so," Jacob countered, staring straight ahead into the blackness of the light, the only thing illuminating the roadway was the headlights of the car.

"I don't know."

"I don't think he's gonna live much longer, Bella. Once he's dead, like really dead and gone, maybe you can get better again."

"Get better again?"

"Yeah. Whenever I called to check in on you, they said you were sick, like really sick."

"Like… sick in the head?" I scoffed.

"Well, they didn't say those words exactly, but that's kinda what I thought they meant. I thought you were just really messed up."

"I was… I am…"

"Yeah, but I don't know if I really knew how bad things were, physically, too, I mean."

"Oh."

"Yeah. This isn't even half of it, is it?"

I thought about Jacob's questions, and I realized he was right. This wasn't even half of it. My body still had the fading bruises from the last time Paul got his hands on me, not to mention the months before or the events of last night. The scar that sat against my cheekbone, raised and purplish as the flesh struggled to heal itself against the devastating damage was a daily reminder of how damaged I really had been.

"No, it isn't," I agreed.

Jacob sighed, his jaw clenching as his hands wrapped more firmly around the steering wheel.

"Wanna talk about that?"

I shook my head.

No.

This wasn't what I wanted to talk about. I couldn't bring myself to say the words aloud. I couldn't bring myself to tell Jacob that I'd very nearly died. That I was on the brink of death and Carlisle wasn't even sure he could pull me back. So much so that he'd seriously considered changing me then and there.

I couldn't tell Jacob about the pregnancy, or the termination. Or the deep wounds Paul had left behind inside of my body, and how Carlisle himself had to sew me back together again. I couldn't tell him about the weeks of vomiting, the nightmares, the cold sweats, the inability to experience touch without physically reacting as though I was in imminent danger. I couldn't tell him about the damage Paul had done to my ribcage, or the weeks I'd spent hardly able to move at all because of the pain that radiated across my whole body.

I couldn't.

Not now, maybe not ever.

And then a cold chill shot up my spine as a realization dawned on me.

Maybe Jake already knew.

Maybe he'd been to see Paul – and maybe Paul told him everything.

Panic started rising in me, my body shifting in the seat as I struggled to control my breathing.

"Jake?"

"What's wrong, Bella?" Concern was etched into every corner of his face.

"Do you know?"

"Do I know what?"

"Did you see him? Did you see Paul?"

He shook his head, obviously confused.

"No. Sam wouldn't allow it. He said he couldn't trust me to stay in control of myself. Only a few people are allowed in there…"

"Who?"

"Well, Jasper is almost always there. And Sam, Jared and Embry. And some of the other blood suckers drop in now and again."

"Oh."

I exhaled a sigh of relief. Jasper being there nearly all the time made my skin crawl, but at least right now I was safe, Jacob didn't know. I could be in control of how much he knew now. I was grateful to Sam for allowing me that modicum of privacy.

"But what about when you shift… won't it be like you were there anyway?"

"Bella, what's this about?"

"He'll say things, I think. He already has. Instead of giving useful information he just… talks about the things he's done to me."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah."

"Well, none of those guys are shifting any time soon. And when they do I'm sure they'll be trying to keep me from seeing those parts anyway."

"It doesn't work like that, does it?"

Jacob sighed.

"Not really."

"But for now… for now we can just be us, right? Just me and you?"

"Yup. We can."

I could live with that. For now wasn't the forever haven I was hoping for, but it was enough for tonight.

* * *

I pulled out a sketchpad and paper, dropping it down onto the table in front of Jacob as I took a seat across from him. Charlie's table looked impossibly small with Jacob's massive body huddled into the tiny seat.

Jacob looked at me, confusion written across his face.

"What's this for, Bella?"

I pressed a finger to my lip in silence.

 _Can I trust you?_ I scrawled across the page.

"Yeah –" I pressed a finger to my lips again, interrupting Jacob midsentence as I shoved the pen and paper in his direction.

He rolled his eyes but played along.

 _Yeah, but what's this about?_

I looked up at him, my eyes full of pleading.

 _I need to escape, Jake. Just for a bit. I need a few hours of quiet. Something else to keep my mind occupied so I can get a break from all of this._

Jacob grabbed the pen from me with an exasperated look on his face.

 _Ok, fine. But just get on with the point already. What do you want? And why do we have to write all this shit down?_

 _Because they're close, aren't they? Rosalie and Emmett?_

Jacob nodded.

 _And if we speak, they'll hear us?_

Jacob nodded again.

 _That's why we have to write. At least for this part. I just want to know you're not going to get all parental on me and try to control me. You know me, right? And you trust me?_

"Yeah," he agreed, I threw my hands up in the air and gave him a warning glance.

 _I'm not even saying anything!_ He scribbled across the paper in frustration, _It'll be weirder if we're just in here sitting silently, won't it?_

"I guess so," I agreed, realizing that we could talk, so long as we didn't share anything that might reveal what was about to transpire.

 _You're killing me here. What's going on?_

I stood from the table and walked across to the room to the hutch sitting in the corner. I knelt down and opened the bottom cabinet with my good hand, rummaging around through the contents before my hand landed on the thing I was looking for.

I pulled out a large bottle of liqour, half full and covered with a bit of dust.

Jacob's eyes widened as a look of horror crossed his face.

 _Your bloodsucker with kill me, Bella. Like, literally._

I grabbed the pen and rolled my eyes.

 _No, he won't. I'm a grown up. I make my own decisions… don't make me drink alone?_

 _Bella! You don't even drink! Have you even had alcohol before?_

I shook my head.

 _Please, Jacob. I can't handle the thought of Paul being alive, nearby and spilling every thing he ever did to me to people that know me… and now know what he did. It's bad enough Edward knows._

"Edward? He hasn't been there, though."

"He doesn't need to be."

Jacob look confused, still not catching on.

"He reads minds, Jake, remember?"

A look of horror flashed across Jacob's face.

He shook his head in disbelief.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"He… he _showed_ him?"

That was my threshold. I yanked the lid off the bottle and took a long, hard swig. I coughed and the liquid sputtered out of my mouth, but I managed to swallow most of it down.

 _Yeah, go easy, Bells. This shit is no joke. This is res shine._

I widened my eyes in his direction, unsure what he meant.

 _Some people on the res make it themselves. I've had it a couple times and it knocked me flat on my ass both times._

I nodded before taking another swig, tolerating this mouthful better than the last.

 _I'm serious. Go easy._

I scoffed, taking another swig as Jacob followed me with horrified eyes.

He grabbed the bottle from me before taking a mouthful of his own and swallowing it down without so much as a grimace.

"Impressive," I laughed. My entire body felt tingly and warm, like tiny little bolts of warmth and electricity were pleasantly running through me. My head felt lighter, more airy and less overwhelmed. My thoughts were spinning around in my head, intangible and unclear.

It was pleasant.

I stood from the table, walking back to the hutch, pulling a worn, tired looking deck of cards from the drawer. I threw it on the table before heading to the kitchen, collecting two small glasses which I placed in front of Jacob.

"Care for some cards?"

Jacob smirked.

"Sure, why not. But you know that I always win, right?"

I laughed, remembering several games of rummy where Jacob had wiped the floor with me. Chess was my game. Jake always lost in chess.

"Sure, sure. Let's just get on with this," I slurred out, trying to piece together a coherent sentence.

I grabbed for the pen and paper and scrawled across it in barely legible writing: _Why am I so out of it already? I only had a few drinks…_

 _Cause you weigh like 80 pounds, Bella. That's why._

I paused, realizing that while Jacob might have been exaggerating he probably wasn't far off. I couldn't have been more than 95 pounds, and even that seemed like a stretch.

But instead of feeling the overwhelming weight of what that meant, of what that was, I felt… nothing.

I laughed and grabbed the bottle, pulling the cap off before pouring myself and Jacob two generous servings.

He cocked an eyebrow at me disapprovingly.

 _I think you're good now, Bells._

I shook my head and whispered "I decide when I'm good. And I'm not good, not yet."

Jacob looked uneasy.

But I didn't care.

I grabbed my glass and took a large sip, swallowing with more ease this time.

Jacob followed my lead, taking a larger sip and looking less inhibited after he downed the entire glass in one shot.

"Let's do this, then?"

* * *

We played cards for forty minutes but quickly grew bored. Now we sat on Charlie's couches across from each other, laughing and giggling like children as we recalled silly stories about our childhoods or obsessed about the mundane details of our favourite fictional characters.

"I don't know how you make it through a page of that book, let alone the whole thing," Jacob was incredulous.

"Excuse me, let's not forget that I've read that book at least a dozen times. At least," I slurred out, reaching out for my glass, taking another small sip.

The room was spinning, my head was light and nothing bothered me.

I was light, airy, floating above myself and totally content with the bliss of it all.

"Bella?"

"Yessir?" I drawled out, giggling as I did.

"Are you gonna be ok?"

The air in the room thickened with the seriousness of Jacob's question.

"Dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares?"

"I do."

"Yeah. Whatever." I reached across the table and my hand landed on my glass. I sat more upright, pushing the cup to my mouth as I downed the rest of the shot.

Reality was spinning, turning on its side. My head was no longer light, but heavy and hard to hold upright.

I stood, but that was a mistake. I felt my shaky legs wobble beneath me as I waved back and forth, struggling to find my balance.

And then hands.

On my arms.

Holding me in place.

Steadying me.

Hot.

Hot, fire.

Fire hands.

Gripping me.

Holding me.

Touching me.

My brain couldn't process who was standing in front of me because my vision was badly blurred.

The room was spinning faster than I could comprehend.

"Bella?"

The voice, whoever it belonged to, was garbled and unclear.

Who was it?

Paul?

The heat. The heat. The scorching heat.

It must be him.

I tried to find a way to scream.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't make the sound.

Instead, the only words that could fall past my lips were "No. Please, no."

* * *

 **EPOV**

I stood outside the dilapidated log-cabin, listening to the sounds of laboured breathing, noting the sounds of fear that were radiating from the body inside.

It brought me joy, and relief.

"He hasn't said anything useful," Sam explained, standing across from us with arms folded across his chest, jaw clenched and eyes fixed on the door to the cabin.

"That's rather unfortunate. Do you feel you're any closer?" Carlisle questioned.

"Maybe. Jasper's… gift… has proven useful. He seems to be weakening his resolve. We think he might be closer to cracking."

I struggled to close my mind off, to avoid reading the thoughts of the man in front of me for I had no interest in knowing what his mind contained. I had no interest in seeing any more details of what Paul had done to Bella, especially not from the mind of someone that didn't care for her the way I did.

"This is pointless," I snarled, fighting the steadily building urge inside of me to break through the door and tear Paul limb from limb.

"It isn't pointless, Edward. It's wise. He's our only connection to Victoria, and the sooner we find out information about her, the sooner we can ensure Bella's total safety."

I scoffed.

"Total safety? Do you think she'll ever really be safe with vampires and werewolves in her life?"

"Edward," Carlisle admonished, his face stricken with intensity and displeasure.

"I know," I agreed, "I'm not leaving her. The thought doesn't even cross my mind anymore. But I can't help but wonder what her life might be like if it wasn't filled with monsters."

Sam grunted in agreement, his thoughts shifting gears as images of his wife, Emily's, face came into mind. Deep scars marred the beauty of her face – scars that had been put there by Sam himself.

"I'll go in there myself. I'll get him to talk," I urged. Both Sam and Carlisle came to stand in front of the door, apparently barring me from entering.

"That won't be helpful, and you know it. He knows how to manipulate you. He knows how to prey on your weaknesses. Killing him prematurely will serve no purpose at all."

"He's right. It's the reason we've kept Jacob from him as well."

"Jacob loves her," I stated simply.

Sam said nothing, his defenses rising again as a sense of loyalty to his pack member clouded his mind.

"Then what was the purpose of having me come here, Carlisle?"

"So you could see for yourself."

 _So you could see that we can trust that this is being handled appropriately. That this is the best option we have._

I said nothing but nodded once, agreeing and understanding in the same breath.

"Thank you," I turned to face Sam as I spoke the words, trying to convey me genuine gratitude.

"This isn't about you. This is about her… about what he did. We're sworn to protect humans… even if it means protecting them from our own kind. What he did to her, it's unspeakable. And he should pay."

I listened to the sounds of Jasper inside, his thoughts, and the thoughts of the others. I could hear the sounds of Paul's bones repairing themselves.

"It's time," I stated simply.

"For what?" Sam questioned.

"To re-break the bones. They're almost healed."

Sam grimaced, clearly not thrilled with the idea, but in agreement all the same.

"Yes, it is."

"Who will do it?"

"I will," Jasper called from inside the room.

Before I could say anything, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

It was Emmett.

"Emmett?"

"Yeah, Edward… you should probably come to Charlie's. Bella… needs you."

"Is she ok?"

"Yeah. But bring Carlisle just in case."

In seconds the phone was shoved back into my pocket and Carlisle and I were running through the forest at record speed.

Running to Bella.

Running for Bella.

* * *

 **A/N:** An update! I know. I'm terrible. I have the same excuses as last time - work, school, and the general busyness of life that allows me very little time to write. I appreciate all of you and your lovely reviews, and I hope you'll stick it through with me. I'm hoping each update, however spaced apart and infrequent, is proof to all of you that I have no intentions of abandoning this story.

Oh, and please bear with Bella. Be patient with her. She's being unreasonable but I think she deserves a bit of unreasonableness given all she's been through.

xx,

-missmarlee


	27. Abyss

**A/N:** So, it's been quite a while since my last update. I think it might be helpful to have a quick recap of where things are at right now - a timeline of sorts. Thanks for the idea, coffeefilterart!

 **HERE IS A RECAP OF THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS:**

 _Chapter 24 - Paul comes to Charlie's house where the coven of newborn vampires he is working with manages to distract the Cullens long enough for Paul to get his hands on Bella. They discover that Victoria is behind it all and has been working with Paul to harm Bella. While Paul has Edward restrained and is attacking Bella, he shares through_ _his thoughts the details of how he harmed Bella. Eventually, Edward and the rest of the Cullen's are able to deal with newborns and rescue Bella before Paul is able to hurt her severely._

 _Chapter 25 - Bella is trying to cope with the aftermath of Pauls most recent attack. Edward is distant with Bella as he drives her back to his home as he tries to process everything that happened. Bella is falling apart and seeks comfort in sharing physical intimacy with Edward._

 _Chapter 26 - After their night of intimacy, Bella questions Edward about what happened to Paul. She discovers that he has been captured and disabled (many of the bones in his body are broken making him unable to escape) and is being questioned about Victoria's motives. Bella discovers that Paul isn't giving them any information they want but is instead sharing details of what he did to her with Jasper, who has been tasked with_ interrogating _Paul. Bella seeks an escape from the emotional reaction of everyone around her and decides to leave with Jacob. She and Jacob drink moonshine together and Bella becomes intoxicated. She almost falls over but Jacob catches her and in her_ drunken _state she thinks Jacob's hands are Pauls. She has a panic attack. Rosalie and Emmett are nearby and figure out what is happening - they call Edward and Carlisle for help._

* * *

Chapter 27 – Abyss

 **EPOV**

"It's not alcohol poisoning," Carlisle remarked, his fingers lifting from Bella's wrist before coming to rest across her forehead.

"Res shine, mutt? Really?" I growled at him, struggling with resisting the urge to crack him in half for putting Bella in harm's way. Again.

"I didn't give it to her. She found it, and nobody forced her to drink it," he looked, and sounded, remorseful as he spoke, his hulking body hunched over as he stuffed his hands deep inside the pockets of his jean cut-off shorts.

"It doesn't really matter now, does it?" Carlisle offered, a serious look on his face as he addressed us both.

"Nope, I guess it doesn't," Jacob replied, "She's just a bit out of it. Doesn't know her limits…"

"Hey," Bella's voice came out as an almost incomprehensible slur from her spot on the couch. Her eyes were closed and her body splayed out across the plush, green cushions of Charlie's sofa. She looked paler and more disheveled than usual.

"I know MY liiiimits," she snapped, her voice straining around the syllables as she struggled to structure her words into a coherent sentence.

"Obviously not, otherwise you wouldn't be half passed out on your dad's couch," Emmett said, a hint of laughter in his bellowing voice.

"I think we should go." Rosalie looked uncomfortable and uneasy as she grabbed Emmett's arm, pulling him toward the front door.

"Yes, I think we've got this under control," Carlisle assured them, nodding towards the door as he spoke. He turned to Jacob, digging into his leather bag, producing a small red pouch and an opaque white pill bottle.

"Do you know when Charlie will return home?" He asked, his face filled with evidence of his annoyance and disapproval. It was an unusual, but increasingly more common, look for him.

"Not really. They usually fish a while, come back to the res and then drink some more. But I think Harry will do what he can to avoid going back to the res, so my guess is they're probably already on their way back here…" Jacob looked mostly composed, though his cheeks were a bit flushed and his eyes glazed over with a glassy, far-away look to them, obviously the work of the copious amounts of alcohol he'd consumed.

As I sat on the floor next to Bella's spot on the couch and looked around the room I couldn't comprehend what had triggered this series of events. I wanted to be livid with Jacob, but from his thoughts I could read that he hadn't actually initiated this foolishness, in fact, he'd discouraged Bella from it altogether. Apparently, she'd been persistent and refused to be told what to do.

"I'm going to start an IV, Bella because I think you're at risk of becoming dehydrated if we don't get some fluids into you quickly. Alcohol is a diuretic, meaning that despite being a liquid it can actually contribute to dehydration. Are you ok with this?" Carlisle began pulling the apart the contents of his red pouch, preparing to insert the IV catheter.

"Um. No," Bella giggled, an unnatural snorting sound coming out of her mouth as she did. "I'm gooooood. I'm hy-dra-ted!" She bellowed, her eyes opening and then closing again as she winced in discomfort.

"Why are the lights so bright?"

"They're not particularly. You're more sensitive to the light right now because you're extremely intoxicated," I explained, running a single hand across my brow in frustration.

I couldn't understand her. I didn't understand this Bella, this reckless, temperamental woman hell-bent on defying all logic. She'd always been an enigma, difficult to comprehend and complex well beyond what I was used to, but things had tangibly shifted since my return. I wasn't sure if the change was permanent, or if it was a response to the trauma.

I knelt down next to her, taking her hand, running my fingers across hers.

"Bella, will you allow Carlisle to insert the IV? It'll help you feel better, faster."

She snorted again, a small hiccup echoing around the room as she did.

"I feel fine. I like this. This feeling. It's good," She murmured, pulling her hand out of mine before wrapping it around my neck, pulling me closer to her.

"Bella?"

"I just wanna feel your face on my face," she explained, tugging my head against her chest.

"Yeah. We're just gonna leave you guys to it, then," Emmett said, an unusual edge to his voice as he opened the front door, "we'll be close by if you need us for anything," and with a quiet click of the door he and Rosalie were gone.

"Ugh. GOOD. I just wanna be alone with you," Bella explained, running her warm hands across the back of my neck.

Our position was comical, Bella's hands gripping me in place as I knelt awkwardly over the side of the couch, my face pressed against her chest. I was acutely aware of how unfortunate this would appear to Charlie were he to walk in right this moment. Thankfully he wasn't nearby – yet.

"Bella, just a few minutes ago you were panicking, screaming for help, do you remember that?" Carlisle questioned, taking a seat on the armchair next to the couch, legs crossed and hands folded across his lap.

"Oh. Ugh. I thought _he_ was here…"

"Paul?"

"Mhm."

Bella stilled at his name, sucking in a large breath of air as she clamped her eyes shut.

"He wasn't here, Bella. Do you know that?"

"I dunno."

"What happened?" Carlisle turned to Jacob, awaiting an explanation.

"I don't know. She was fine one minute, had a bit more to drink, tried to stand up and then just starting waffling back and forth like she was gonna collapse or something. I grabbed hold of her so she didn't fall and split her head open," Jacob explained, grimacing as realization dawned on him.

"I see," Carlisle paused, eyes trained on Jacob. "Do you know how much she had to drink?"

Jacob darted across the room and grabbed the bottle of alcohol, swirling it around before lifting it to eye level. "Maybe 6 half shots?" He guessed, his thoughts combing through the last few hours trying to catalog how many drinks Bella actually had.

"And res shine is what, 120 proof?"

"Yeah, about that," Jacob nodded in agreement.

Carlisle's brow lifted as he paused to consider the entire clinical picture before making his assessment.

"That's a lot of alcohol for such a small person," he mused, "I think it's pertinent that we get an IV into her quickly to start flushing some of the toxins out of her system before it overwhelms her body."

Carlisle angled his body to face Bella, addressing her directly now.

"Bella," he said, his words deliberate and slow "You're medically stable right now, but I really do think you should allow us to insert an IV and get some fluids into you, otherwise your condition could deteriorate rapidly."

"No."

"Bella, please be reasonable?" I begged, confused by her refusal.

She pushed my head away from her chest and sat up, wobbling against the effort to right herself.

"I AM reasonable. I don't want it, near me or inside of me. Not right now…", she pulled her hands from my neck in a knee-jerk reaction before wrapping them around her tiny waist. She looked small and unsure in this new position, obviously disturbed by her own thoughts.

"I'm not sure I understand where your concern stems from. Could you talk me through that so I understand?" Carlisle pressed, his concern growing by the second.

"Dunno. I just like this… feeling. That's all. If the damn room would stop spinning I'd be good. But it just keeps spinning and spinning and spinning. It's weird," she mused, holding a hand out in front of her, examining it with narrowed eyes.

"The room is spinning because you're drunk, Bella," I snapped, growing frustrated with her petulance.

"Oh yeah? Well, I think it's spinning because you're a… JERK!" Her sentences were becoming more incoherent by the second.

Despite this, she snorted again, apparently quite pleased with herself.

"Please, be reasonable, love. Allow us to help you because Charlie will be home soon and then we'll have to explain this mess to him as well. And it'll be a challenge to explain away the bruises this time. He'll have more questions and I'm not so sure we'll be able to pacify him with half-truths anymore."

"Oh." Her face grew serious at her realization. "Shit," she stammered out, trying to stand to her feet.

I angled in front of her, stretching out my arms so she could take hold of them.

"Help me get some stuff… clothes?"

"Alice has clothes for you at our house, you can wear those."

"No. I want my own clothes," she drawled out, attempting to pull on my arms but started weaving as soon as she lifted herself to a standing position.

"Ugh. I can't do this," she decided, falling back against the couch with a loud thud. I watched in frustration as a cloud of dust motes flew up and around her, small dust particles settling themselves against her grey-white skin.

"No, you can't. Let me help you? I can carry you out to my car," I suggested, hoping she'd be less reluctant now that she realized that Charlie might arrive home any minute.

"Ooookay," she agreed, rolling her head around in awkward circles, while she opened her mouth to make a strange popping sound, punctuating the silence in the room.

I pulled her into my arms, careful not to disturb her injured arm and grabbed a throw cover from the couch she'd been laying on, draping it over her in one, swift motion.

I moved toward the doorway, Carlisle, and Jacob following close behind me.

"Get rid of the moonshine, Jacob," I ordered, pulling the door open as I manoeuvered Bella's body through the doorway.

"You're really, like, beautiful, y'know?" Bella garbled as her hand found my face and rested against my cheek. I chuckled, amused, despite the unpleasantness of the circumstances.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. But there's so much ugly here…"

"What do you mean?"

"In me. There's ugly in me," she explained, her head pressing against my chest as I cradled her closer to me.

"Impossible. There isn't a single thing about you that is ugly," I countered, intent on keeping her talking. I was desperate to know where these thoughts were coming from and sober Bella was so much less forthcoming than intoxicated Bella.

"It happened here, y'know?" she whispered. We were standing at the bottom steps of Charlie's porch now, waiting for Carlisle and Jacob to join us. Her head tilted toward the house and her eyes settled on the window of her bedroom.

"He climbed in through the window… and then he did it to me… in my room. Against the floor. It made my back bleed…" her voice was harrowing, an inexplicable note of shame and self-loathing edging her words. My body prickled as she spoke, tensing and untensing with each word, involuntary muscle contractions gripping me.

I was worried that if I held onto her much longer I might accidentally hurt her. I recalled, from the memories Paul had flooded my mind with, the exact night she was referring to. The details of her back bleeding were new to me because I only understood that assault from Paul's perspective and not Bella's. My mind cradled the memories, filing through them until the pieces of this one, in particular, unfolded themselves in my mind's eye.

She'd stayed quiet the entire time, worried she would alert Charlie – worried he'd hear and that then he'd come to see if she was ok. Paul had threatened Charlie's life that night, promising to kill him if Bella made a sound.

I steadied myself, internally focusing on maintaining control, trying to hold my composure in the face of her admission.

"I'm sorry," I offered, struggling to find words of comfort that would do this moment justice.

"I should've stopped it. I should've told someone…"

"You couldn't have stopped him because you feared for your life, and rightfully so. He held over you the threat of harm and even death if you told anyone. Your reaction made sense because your reaction was about staying alive. And his threats weren't unfounded, Bella."

"Ugh. That's too many words, Edward. I don't even know what you jus' said."

I laughed, a short, humorless bark, "That's ok," I whispered, placing a chaste kiss on her forehead before pulling the door of my Volvo open, helping her inside.

 _You drive, Edward. I'll sit in the back with her to keep an eye on her condition._

I nodded, moving to the driver's side door. Jacob stood in the driveway, his hands still stuffed in his pockets as he surveyed the scene before him with unbearable sadness in his eyes. He swallowed, reigning in the emotions that were overwhelming him.

He didn't know very much about what Paul had done. Tonight was the first time he'd heard any details of what happened.

Its effect on him was visceral. I watched as his body started rumbling, vibrating as he stood in place, indrawing and exhaling with purpose and intent. His hands were balled into tight fists at his sides.

I understood how he felt. He loved Bella, perhaps in a juvenile and child-like way, but it was love all the same. The way this cut, it was beyond comprehension.

 _I'll kill him_. His thoughts were fuming, raging, ebbing and flowing from him in a tidal wave of emotion. His russet skin burning in the pale light of the moon, his massive size shriveling as he hunched forward, fighting against the change that was threatening to take over.

I tore from the car, halting only when I was standing a few feet from him.

"Not now," I cautioned "and not like this. You need to fight against this and pull yourself together. Killing him now will mean putting Bella in even more danger. This isn't over, you know that as well as I do and he's our only chance at getting an edge over on Victoria."

Jacob looked up from the ground, his eyes a terrifying reflection of his rage. He nodded once, breathing deeply against the flames of change that were lapping at his ankles, trying to pull him under.

"Pull yourself together and then get in the car."

Jacob stilled, looking at me in confusion.

"I can't leave you like this because I don't trust that you'll be able to contain yourself. And I get it, I do. But like I said, not now and not like this. He'll get what's coming to him, of that much I'm absolutely certain."

"How can you stand it? How can you just leave him alive, knowing what he did to her?"

"I can't. But I have to anyway. We all do. For her," I said, glancing back toward the car, listening as Carlisle tried to coax Bella into accepting an IV.

Jacob looked at me, our eyes locking for a brief second where an understanding blossomed between us. The anger I felt toward Jacob was melting away as I watched this broken man stand in front of me, barely holding himself together.

He didn't know.

And if he had, he would have stopped it.

He would have killed Paul if he'd known.

We all would have.

* * *

She woke several times throughout the night, screaming in agony as though someone was trying to smother her. Her body would flip around on the bed for a few seconds and then she'd pierce out an tortured yell.

I was at her side each time, holding her in my arms until she woke, and then releasing her when she fought against me, unsure of whose arms were really around her. It took a few minutes of coaxing and calm explanation before she believed that it really was me.

And then she would fall back to sleep easily, drifting out of consciousness back into her sleep, only to repeat the same pattern an hour later.

Jacob spent the night, Carlisle insisting he stay because we all recognized he was in no condition to return to the reservation with Paul in such close proximity. I worried about the very real possibility that he would soon know exactly what Bella had endured. Based on reports from Jasper, Paul wasn't at all forthcoming with useful information, but preferred to share, in vivid detail, his assaults against Bella.

I knew what it did to me to hear it in his thoughts, I was sure the effect that would have on Jacob would be even more devastating. He was a young werewolf and not very well controlled, at that. It was unlikely he'd handle it well.

I held Bella in my arms, singing her back to sleep while she shook against me, coming down from the most recent nightmare while I listened to Jacob and Alice's conversation two stories down.

"Is she always like this?" He questioned, voice still heavy with sleep.

"Sometimes. It's worse tonight than it has been other nights. I'm sure the alcohol didn't help," Alice accused.

"Listen, it's not like I forced her. I tried to tell her it was a bad idea, but she's… Bella. She does what she wants, no matter how stupid or reckless it is."

"Yes, that's Bella," Alice sighed.

"No one will tell me anything…" Jacob complained, cutting the silence with his deep, guttural voice.

"For good reason, too. You're an animal on the edge of control. We can't have you running off half-cocked trying to take care of things."

"Please," he scoffed, offended at Alice's suggestion, "I have tons of self-control. And would you really be so heartbroken if I tore him to shreds?"

"No. Obviously not. But that's not our call," Alice said bitterly, an edge of annoyance in her voice.

There was a long pause in their conversation as I placed Bella back down into the bed, pulling the blankets up and over her, careful not to disturb the IV in her hand.

"How many times?" Jacob's voice was shaky, filled with fear.

"That's not for me to disclose…"

"Seriously?"

"Bella deserves some discretion. Her story belongs to her, we shouldn't broadcast it to anyone and everyone."

"Firstly, I'm not anyone and everyone. I'm her best friend –"

Alice cut through Jacob's speech, interrupting "ONE of her best friends," she corrected, returning to silence, allowing him to continue.

"Whatever. I'm _one_ of her best friends. Plus, you weirdos don't really have any privacy anyways, do you? I know what that's like, and I know there's no secrets."

"Well, you don't actually know what it's like. Our kind are nothing like yours, really. Sure, we both have exceptional hearing – ours being far superior to yours – and we're both supposed to be mythical supernatural beings. But that's where the similarities begin and end."

"Not really. Eddie boy up there reads thoughts, the freaky blonde guys controls people's emotions, the big one is hopped up on some vamp steroids or something and you read the future."

"And?"

"And we have prophecies. Plus, we have a hive mind when we phase."

"Yeah, Edward mentioned that. Weird."

"Weird? And it's not weird that you can't have a single private thought without the freakish leech knowing exactly what it is?"

"That's different," Alice countered.

"Whatever. It's not. But whatever."

"Are you still drunk?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. Just a bit. But I'm clear enough to know what I'm saying."

"Sure you are."

Silence again, but with a new air of tension this time.

"Look, I just want some kind of heads up about what to expect. Otherwise, when we all phase again I'll just be overwhelmed with their thoughts about what he did… I just want some time to prepare myself for that…"

Alice sighed, "what do you want to know?"

Jacob paused, thinking about what he wanted, or needed, to know.

"How many times?"

"I don't know. Pretty sure only Edward and maybe Carlisle know the answer to that. Well, probably Jasper now, too."

"And… how bad was it after?"

"Her injuries?" Alice clarified.

"Yeah."

"Bad."

"Ok."

"Carlisle wasn't sure she'd make it," Alice explained, and I watched through Jacob's thoughts, seeing Alice in his mind, huddled in a tight ball of long, lean limbs against the armchair in the living room.

"Damn."

"Yeah," she agreed.

"That bad?"

"Yes."

The silence persisted, Jacob's thoughts percolating loudly in a chaotic array of emotional overwhelm.

"Did he tell you that I knew?"

"Who? And knew what?"

"Edward. Did he tell you I knew?"

Alice growled, "I don't know what you're talking about but you better clear it up fast, I'm not in the mood for guessing games."

"One night, after we have a bonfire at the res, Paul followed Bella home. He got in her car and he tried to kiss her. She fought him off and he stopped before anything else happened… but I think that was the beginning of the end."

Alice was tensed on the armchair, wordless and statuesque and she processed Jacob's admission.

"He didn't tell me that," her voice was a deadly sonata, and I watched Jacob recoil away from her through her thoughts.

"I didn't know he'd go that far. I thought he was just messing around, trying to scare Bella out of coming back to the res. He was so angry whenever she was around and me being friends with her only made him angrier."

"You never saw what he did in your hive mind thing?"

"That's how I found out about that first night. But after that, he stopped phasing… I figured he was dealing with some personal stuff… nobody knew it was so much more than that. He must have been hurting her that whole time."

Alice angled her body so she could take in the entirety of Jacob's body language and his expression, her eyes piercing against his.

"You feel responsible, don't you?" She questioned, her voice soft.

"Yeah."

"Me too," she agreed, softening even more.

The silence carried on between them for a while longer, each shifting uncomfortably in their seats while Jacob tried to find sleep but failed. Alice appeared to find solace in his presence, appreciating the company of someone whose pain was almost as great as her own that couldn't invade her most private thoughts the way I could.

Conversation between Alice and I had become almost nonexistent. I could hear her thoughts before she could speak them, and although that was nothing new, we were running out of things to say about how we both felt. This peculiar state of limbo was unbearable but necessary. Time had to continue moving, but we felt frozen in the same place we'd been in since our return to Forks.

It was as though everything and everyone around us had stilled to an almost dead-stop, waiting for something to shift, for something to change.

It wasn't up to us, however. It was up to Bella. And forcing her along in this process before she was ready was unwise.

Bella stirred beneath the covers, her arms rising up above her head as she swatted at the air in front of her face, groaning as though she was in pain. I moved closer to her, my hand coming to rest against her upper arm with unparalleled gentleness.

"Shhhhh, love," I cooed, praying I could bring her some peace with my words.

She pulled away from me in her sleep, groaning again, swatting at the air some more.

"Edward, no," her voice came out strained, broken and pleading. The words tore from her chest in an incompressible way. The way her voice twisted around my name was sickening, and it was obvious to me what she was suffering through in the containment of her nightmare.

I pulled away, pressing against the furthest edge of the bed, worried that if she woke to find me in her space it might startle her even more. I had grown used to Paul as the star of her nightmares, I was unaccustomed to hearing my name roll out of her in this way.

It was nauseating.

To think that somewhere in her mind, she feared me the way she feared him. To know that likely all men, all people, she could possibly trust, were dangerous to her in some fashion or another. Her body and mind had transformed and changed to accommodate the danger in her life. Warning signals would flare at the slightest provocation where no real danger existed, a compensatory response her brain had developed to adapt to dangerous living circumstances.

Post-traumatic stress disorder.

I didn't know much about it, but I knew enough to know that healing took a long time. Closure of some sort helped, but it was often years, sometimes even decades before survivors could function in their daily life completely free of triggers and flare-ups. I was prepared to support Bella through this, to walk through these dark days with her, but I was painfully aware that her will to survive was an important facet in the success of her healing.

I wasn't sure how high up survival was on her list anymore.

The pain had become so layered, so visceral, so tangible that it was all she could do to survive a day without falling to pieces in front of my eyes. I couldn't blame her for wanting to avoid this half-life, this fractioned existence she was currently wading through.

She stirred next to me, her groaning transforming into small, sorrowful sobs of pain. I removed myself from the bed, finding the chair next to her bed and planting myself there, listening to the sounds of her moving through this painful reminder, this painful re-enactment, tormented by my inability to help her.

"Edward," her voice was soft and hollow. She was awake.

"I'm here."

"Hold me?"

She was tired and forlorn. I moved to her side, wrapping her up in my arms without words.

* * *

 **BPOV**

My head was throbbing. The sounds around me amplified, ringing through me in a painfully chaotic way. I was cold, and I realized that it was because Edward's arms were snaked around me, my body pressed tightly to his.

"How are you feeling?"

I kept my eyes closed, afraid of how I would feel if I opened them.

"Like I've been hit by a truck. Multiple times."

A short, bark of a laugh burst from Edward.

"That's to be expected, I would think."

"Ugh. This is an awful feeling."

"Truly," he agreed, and I could hear the smile in his words.

"I think I'll be needing a bucket."

"I've got it covered," he assured me, and I could hear the faint sound of metal clinking against metal.

I opened my eyes to see Edward crouching next to the bedside, a metal bucket in his hands, braced against the mattress.

Before I could push him away or force him to retreat to some other room in the house where he wouldn't have to be subjected to this misery, I was leaning over the side of the bed, vomiting violently in the pail.

He handed me a glass of water and two small, white pills once I'd stopped retching.

"Water and Advil. It'll help," he reassured with a small, steady smile.

I groaned again, cursing myself for my recklessness.

I took the pills, swallowed them down with a small sip of water and lay back against the feathery pillow propped beneath my head.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, closing my eyes again.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"Ugh. Why? Why can't you let me grovel in my misery? I behaved like a petulant child and I deserve to wallow in misery over my mistakes."

Edward chuckled.

"You're allowed to make mistakes, Bella. Nobody expects perfection from you."

"Perfection? Trust me, that's not what I'm aiming for. I'd settle for salvaging what remains of my dignity though."

"You're plenty dignified."

It was my turn to laugh now.

"This is evidence of how untrue that statement is," I countered, pointing toward the bucket he held in his hands.

"You're entitled to some escapism."

"You're just glad to see me engaging in painfully human milestones."

"Perhaps," Edward laughed.

"I'm sorry," I said before he could continue with the deluge of conversation that was meant to normalize my reckless behaviour.

"Bella –"

I cut him off before he could continue.

"No, really. I'm sorry I've been… gone… for so long."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry I haven't been present. I'm sorry I've been so awful at pulling myself back together."

"Nobody expects you to have anything figured out. You're doing well, Bella, all things considered."

"But it's not enough anymore," I explained.

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"I had a nightmare… about you."

"I surmised as much," Edward agreed, a worn look on his face.

"And it was wrong. So wrong."

"Did I hurt you, Bella? In your nightmare?"

"Yes."

"I see."

My heart ached at the sadness he was trying to conceal.

"The lines are all blurred in my mind. I've lost touch of everything that I am, and everything that I can be. But I don't know how to get my head out of this place… this place where all I can feel is the darkness grabbing at me, pulling me under."

"That's a common reaction, I think."

"It's not good enough anymore. I need to get better. _I want to get better_ ," my words were rolling and wavering, my voice giving way beneath my sadness.

"You will. I know you will. And I'll be right here, to help you, however I can."

I was silent, unsure of how to process everything that my mind held. Part of me wished I could lock away at the memories that were burgeoning inside of me, threatening to break open and pour out into my life.

"Last night… what did I tell you?" My memories from the night before were unclear, but I knew I'd revealed more than I'd meant to in my drunken stupor.

Edward stiffened, though he tried to conceal his reaction.

"You don't remember?"

"Not clearly."

He nodded once, his lips pulling into a thin line as his brow furrowed in concentration.

"Well, to begin with, you were propositioning me, quite brazenly, I might add." He chuckled and I joined him, struggling to recall what I'd said, only vaguely aware of my inappropriateness.

"And then you shared something with me… something that had happened to you. Something that Paul did to you."

I prickled, the floodgates of my mind breaking open as the haphazardly contained memories pressed into every crevice of my consciousness.

"Oh."

"It's ok, love." His eyes were sad though a glimmer of hope shone through.

"Paul raped me."

The words spilled out of me before I could control them.

But instead of watching myself crumble, I felt the weight of the words lift from my chest and I exhaled for what felt like the first time in an eternity.

Edward sat in silence with me, allowing the words to fill the space, granting me the release I needed. He knew this already, it was no secret to anyone anymore. But hearing the words, speaking them aloud, gave life to the fears that were taking root inside of me.

I couldn't be afraid of them anymore. I couldn't erase what happened to me, and I couldn't smother it down a second longer. The honesty was more painful than I could bear, but it felt more necessary than anything else in this moment.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

* * *

Morning turned into afternoon, the sun peeking out from behind the cloudy sky, the light no longer bothering my eyes as my sickness slowly faded, washing away as the day wore on. I'd spent the better portion of the morning laying in bed, vomiting, sleeping, fading in and out as my body tried to rid itself of the toxins I'd inundated it with the night before.

I sat upright, testing out my strength, realizing that I no longer felt nauseous, but that I still felt an overwhelming undercurrent of weakness radiating through me.

Edward sat at my bedside, silent when I needed him to be and offering distractions when I needed them. We talked about everything and nothing at the same time. I couldn't carry on much in the way of conversation, and when I grew tired and weary of what little we could talk about Edward pulled out an old, weathered copy of Wuthering Heights and read to me, filling the silence appropriately.

"Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad, only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God!" Edward's voice wrapped around the words that had carried me through my darkest days, hollowing against their newly transformed meaning.

I interrupted, smiling as I finished the monologue for him "…it is unutterable! I can not live without my life! I can not live without my soul!"

He closed the book, his eyes closing too as he pressed back against the chair he was sitting in.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice drenched in his anguish. I prickled against his confession.

"It doesn't matter anymore," I whispered, sitting upright to face him, "you're here now."

"And I'll never leave you again."

"I believe you."

I stood from the bed, my legs shaking beneath me as I walked over to where Edward had taken vigil at my bedside.

"I love you," I told him, sitting down on his lap, resting a hand against his face. He nodded, his shoulders slumping, his head falling.

"And I'm ready," I confessed.

"Ready?"

"I'm ready to heal. I'm ready to live again."

* * *

Has he been here since last night?" I asked, nodding toward Jacob who was snoring loudly, huddled into the cushions of the sofa, his massive size shrinking his surroundings.

"Yes. He refuses to leave. He feels responsible, I suspect," Edward explained, helping me into the armchair across from him. I smiled at my friend, grateful for his presence.

"Has he been asleep the entire time?"

"No, he was awake earlier and went for a run with some others from the pack. He ate a meal Esme prepared for him and then fell asleep here again, much to Rosalie's dismay."

I smiled, imagining Rosalie's reaction to having Jacob in such close proximity.

Jacob slept soundly while I attempted to eat a bowl of soup that Esme had prepared. The flavours were spectacular, but the soup didn't sit well in my stomach. I guessed it was due to my aversion to food because although it felt heavy and uncomfortable, the nourishment was giving me the energy I'd forgotten was possible. It was easy to realize that my body needed this.

"Bella," Carlisle's voice reached me before I noticed him enter the room.

"Hi," I greeted him sheepishly, embarrassed by the events of the night before.

"You look like you're feeling better?"

"I am," I agreed, "I think the food is helping."

Carlisle smiled, nodding.

"I'm sure it is."

"I'm sorry… about last night. It was reckless and foolish and I should have known better. I was just trying to find an easy exit, even just for a little while."

"Indeed, it wasn't the best idea, but nobody blames you for desiring an escape, Bella. You're entitled to it now and again, though I would advise finding a safer option next time."

I smiled.

"Yes, I don't think you'll be seeing a repeat of last night anytime soon."

"Speaking of which - do you remember last night?" He asked, sitting across from me, altogether ignoring Jacob's obnoxious, snoring presence.

"Not really. I mean, I remember plotting to leave, and I remember drinking with Jacob… I remember feeling dizzy, and then feeling… hands on me. I know now that it was Jacob trying to make sure I didn't fall down, but it was like my brain couldn't process what was really happening."

"That's to be expected. Your body has embraced new mechanisms of ensuring your safety, though it can't always accurately gauge what is and what isn't safe, so it tends to interpret anything similar to the trauma as being dangerous."

I nodded.

"Does it get better?"

"I believe so, with time."

"I need to get better, Carlisle," I whispered, "I want to get better."

"And you will," he agreed.

I paused, contemplating my words before I spoke them, wanting to make sure they still rang true, that they still felt right.

"I think I need to talk to Charlie…"

Carlisle glanced at Edward, his eyes filled with curiosity.

"I'm not sure how… I'm not sure how to be honest about this without putting him in danger," I explained, wary of the words and of my own suggestion.

"Bella, I think Charlie already knows more than we intended to share with him."

"I know. But I think he needs to hear it from me."

"I agree."

"Edward?" I turned to face him, his face blank and stoic.

"Yes?"

"Will you take me to Charlie's house?"

"Of course."

"You only need to tell him as much as he already knows," Carlisle explained.

"And he knows that Paul… that he raped me?"

"Yes."

"What will I tell him is being done about it?"

"Well, that's slightly more complicated. You have fresh bruises that he hasn't seen before. He'll have questions about those."

I shivered, unprepared for this but sure that it needed to happen.

"So, what do I say?"

"I'm not sure there's an answer you can give him that will fully satisfy him. I could come with you, to try and explain that the Quileute's have their own means of reparations and accountability. He'll be resistant, as is his nature. He might insist you consider pressing charges, but if you remain resolute I believe he'll respect your decision."

I inhaled, purposefully, a renewed energy coursing through me.

I was ready.

* * *

The drive to Charlie's house felt longer than it ever had, I was anxious to get on with this, to be done with it. But as I sat in front of him, his jaw tensed and his eyes locked on the fresh bruises covering my body I wished I'd never initiated this, to begin with. Carlisle and Edward sat at both ends of the table, leaving Charlie to sit directly across from me.

Words felt lost to me as I combed through my mind, trying to find the strength to say what needed to be said.

"What's going on, Bella? What happened to you?"

His voice was gruff, filled with tension and a bitter anger.

"That's why I'm here, dad. I'm sorry I've kept you in the dark for so long… I'm sorry I've been keeping this from you."

Sadness clouded his eyes as he scratched at his unusually full mess of facial hair.

"I can't say I'm not angry… not with you. But with being kept in the damn dark for so long. I've really tried to give you your space, to respect your process… but I can't stand it anymore, Bells. Your face is all marked up again and I've got no explanation for how it happened." Charlie's eyes were wild and desperate, bloodshot and rimmed with dark circles. He hadn't been sleeping, and it was apparent. He was a mess, his life upturned and overhauled since Edward left, everything he'd ever known was turned on its head and he'd been given no answers to help satisfy whatever agony was burning its way through him.

I inhaled, pulling strength from every cell in my body to speak the words that were sitting on the tip of my tongue.

The words that felt heavy and too big for me to bear.

The words that felt riddled with consequence and pain.

The words I'd been trying to avoid for nearly a month.

The words I was afraid could destroy me.

Speaking them aloud made it real.

And I had to know if I was ready for this to be real.

And if I wasn't, what choice did I really have in the matter anyway?

"Paul raped me. When Edward was gone, without the knowledge of anyone else he attacked me. I kept it hidden from you and from everyone else because he threatened to kill all of you if I said anything."

Charlie bristled, his hands balling into fists, anger flashing in his wide, brown eyes.

"He attacked me again, three nights ago… he would have… _raped_ me again, I'm sure if Edward hadn't intervened."

"Three nights ago… you were here three nights ago, Bella. " Charlie paused, his brain processing what this meant, slowly. He was grappling with this newest truth, pulling it through his head, trying to understand what this meant.

I fought against the urge to shrink back into my seat, pushing against the shame that was threatening to overpower me.

"I know. It was the night after Edward and I had argued… the night I came here to stay."

"That animal was inside of my house? And he tried to attack you, inside of this house?"

I bristled, struggling to remain composed, Charlie's raised voice causing my heart to pound loudly in my chest.

"This is insane. I've allowed this to go on long enough, but I'm not putting up with it anymore. He needs to be arrested, charged and thrown in a jail cell!" Charlie's voice was quivering, shaking around his uncontainable anger.

"We don't have a rape kit, but we don't need a damn rape kit. We've got that note he left, and bruises right on her face," Charlie was facing Carlisle now, his face serious and fury-filled. Carlisle remained composed, his voice even and cool as he spoke.

"It isn't that simple, I'm afraid."

"What the hell do you mean? It is that simple. It was irresponsible of you to not handle this properly, Carlisle. These two are kids, and I don't expect much more from them. But you're an adult – you're a doctor for Christ's sake!"

"I wish it were that easy," Carlisle remarked, his words laden with apprehension.

Charlie stiffened, his eyes narrowing as his back straightened against the chair. He was angry, and it was building into something that looked uncontainable and frightening.

I'd anticipated his anger, but I hadn't anticipated how horrible it would be to witness.

I could hear Carlisle and Charlie speaking, their voices a muddled blur or sound, unable to penetrate through my mind in any significant way. I couldn't understand or interpret the conversation, my own mind filing through an awful array of overwhelming, painful memories.

Charlie's voice was becoming even louder, though the meaning of what he was saying was still lost on me.

My head was starting to ring, loud, sharp, pulsating sounds radiating through the small space, pain echoing around inside of me.

"STOP!"

The word was clear and crisp – it was the first thing I'd been able to understand since Charlie started his rage-induced hysteria.

I took a second to pause and think about where the sound had come from.

Who was it?

I looked around the room and realized that there were three pairs of eyes trained on me – Charlie, Carlisle, and Edward were staring at me with apprehension, expectation, and complete silence.

The sound had come from me.

I wanted to make more words, to speak again and provide some kind of explanation so that I could find an escape from this place and this conversation, but it was as though I'd forgotten how to speak. The words lived inside of my mind but couldn't find life past my tongue and lips.

"Bella?"

I recognized Edward's soft, gentle voice.

"Are you ok?"

That was Charlie. He sounded less angry now.

The realization caused relief to wash over me.

Still, I remained silent.

I couldn't find the words.

I tried and tried, struggling to extract the words from my mind and spill them out into the world. But I couldn't.

I could feel myself falling.

Sinking – deeper and deeper.

Further and further.

Past the point of comprehension.

Past the point of understanding.

And straight into unconsciousness.

* * *

 **A/N:** So, Bella wants to heal and she's actively seeking it out, but with that decision comes the reality of facing everything she's been trying to suppress. Healing isn't linear, and the decision to confront the most difficult things in her life, like her strained relationship with Charlie, means a lot of pain and a lot of the two steps forward, one step back kind of progress.

Let me know what you think - and thank you, as always, for your reviews and for sticking this out with me!


	28. Lost

**A/N: It's been forever, I know! I'm sorry - and as I've previously promised, I haven't abandoned this story. I'm still plugging away at it, albeit at a turtle's pace. Thanks for sticking it out with me.  
**

 **This chapter is a bit different as we watch Bella grapple with the grips of PTSD and disassociation. Another reminder that this story is rated M and deals with mature themes. This chapter is on the heavier side, just as a forewarning.**

Chapter 28 - Lost 

* * *

I am worn.

All the pieces of me, every broken fragment, are splintering… over and over again.

I don't know the time of day, day of the week, month of the year.

I am frozen in this place.

In this despair.

* * *

In my mind,

He is inside of me again.

I push the thoughts away, like trying to swim upstream, like trying to fight through thunderous, roaring waves.

I am crashing, burning, writhing.

In agony.

The floodgates have lifted.

And I am lost.

* * *

 **EPOV**

Jasper was struggling, that much was apparent. He was huddled away in a corner, Alice crooning over him, her hands firmly gripping his face, lips pressed against the shell of his ear as she whispered loving affirmations to him. The sight would have been nauseating were it any other day, and any other set of circumstances, but today – it was crippling.

He was a mess, having recently returned from the reservation, needing a refuge from his efforts to extract information about Victoria's whereabouts from Paul. Paul remained composed, the physical pain of slowly healing his bones, only to have them rebroken again and again was not enough to make him talk, apparently. Jasper's tireless efforts to try and break through were taking a toll on him.

He was on edge, every muscle in his body coiled and tensed. His thoughts were incoherent and disjointed, littered with the echoes of Paul's voice, his graphic descriptions of abusing Bella freshly burned into Jasper's mind. He didn't know how to process this; his own emotions were growing so chaotic and uncontrollable that he was relying on others to help him emotionally collect the parts of himself that were starting to fray.

He had contemplated leaving for a while, to be away from the home, away from Bella and away from me. He didn't want me to be able to access his mind – he was worried about what it might do to me if I were able to witness all that he had over the past several days. But in his current state of emotional overwhelm he was unable to filter his thoughts as expertly he once did. They were a spiralling nightmare, uncontained and out of control.

Leaving, albeit tempting, wasn't a viable option, not with Victoria still waiting in the wings for an opportunity to get to Bella. And, the only useful thing Paul had disclosed was that the newborns that he came with last time weren't the only ones at Victoria's disposal. She was building an army, indeed. With that information came the realization that leaving ourselves divided meant leaving ourselves vulnerable to openings – to attack. So, we stayed together, as close as possible. Within proximity to Bella always, in the very least.

And here, in this home, was not an easy place to be.

Not since Bella had disclosed to Charlie.

Not since she'd retreated so far inside of herself that it felt as though we might never be able to retrieve her again.

Not since she'd locked herself in my bedroom, refusing to do anything but sleep, fight her nightmares and wake up sobbing.

Worst of all, she'd completely refused my presence.

After she closed off at Charlie's house, I'd carried her to my car in my arms. Carlisle stayed behind to speak with Charlie some more, while I'd rushed Bella back to our home, hoping that removing her from the stress would bring her back to me.

But it didn't.

She remained stoic and speechless, her eyes glassy and motionless, fixated on the distance and the nothingness.

When I tried to embrace her, she recoiled so violently I thought I might have harmed her.

But I hadn't – not in the physical sense, at least.

It had been five days now since she became lost to us, and each day was growing more agonizing than the last. Her presence was felt, despite her absence.

The space she needed from me was painful beyond measure. Her anguish was undefinable, growing and multiplying as the days passed. Each time I thought I'd captured it and fully grasped it, it transformed into something intangible again. Like cupping sand in my hands, no matter how hard I tried to hold every grain in the confines of my hands something would slip through the cracks anyway.

Still, I was grateful that she wasn't entirely alone. The only presence she accepted, to my surprise, was Esme's. Very occasionally, she would allow Esme to enter her room. Usually this happened after a particularly brutal nightmare. And once a day Bella would open the door and allow Esme to bring her a meal, and sometimes, she would step to the side of the doorway and allow Esme to stay. Bringing her food was pointless, she barely touched the meals we made for her. She was eating enough to sustain herself, but no more than a few bites at each meal. And even that felt like a victory these days. Each time Esme brought her a meal, it was a possible opportunity that someone could land eyes on Bella, and be close enough to make sure she was still there. Still fighting. Still hanging on. It became the moment of the day we all fixated on, waiting to see her, even if through someone else.

They didn't share any dialogue, but I knew from Esme's thoughts that Bella's physical condition was deteriorating rapidly.

She had already lost a substantial amount of weight. The dark, purple circles that outlined her eyes were growing more and more prominent. Her sallow, sunken frame was more apparent than it ever. Beneath the layers of clothing she wore the angular edges of her bones would protrude, the clothing hanging off her like it was resting on a wire hanger, not human flesh and bone.

At this point, everyone in my family had tried to approach her, but she'd rejected all of us, save for Esme. She would allow Esme to join her. Bella would lay on the bed, as she had been for days, staring off into the distance, her face contorting in pain every now and again, while Esme kept vigil on a chair next to her.

They shared no words, but there seemed to be something about Esme's quiet presence that brought Bella some measure of relief. It was a relief to us all, that someone would be able to set eyes on her – just to confirm that there was still life somewhere in her… that all hope hadn't been lost.

* * *

The room is dark, save for a small sliver of light pouring through the window. The moon is illuminating the space around her, like a spotlight trained on an entertainer.

But there is no entertainment here.

I am not an entertainer, dutifully weaving through personalities and roles.

This isn't a show put on for pleasure.

There will be no standing ovation.

Though I predict an encore is likely.

All the same, she looks motherly, sitting in the corner, tucked away in the rocking chair. She is almost motionless, it's inhuman how still she can be. How still _they_ can be.

Inhuman.

 _He_ was inhuman.

Heat, fire, molten lava coating my body, melting flesh from bone, finding it's way into every crack and crevice of my soul.

I push the thoughts away and my eyes find Esme's frame.

I watch her, refusing to look away.

She is safe.

Motherly.

Familiar.

She grounds me back down to the present. She reminds me of what home can feel like – what home _should_ feel like.

She will not leave, not unless I ask her to.

She will not hurt me.

She has never hurt me.

She has no expectations.

She is my newfound saviour, I decide.

In the darkest moments, when all I can see is him – his hands, his lips, his grip…

Finding her face helps.

Knowing she's here can pull me back.

Even when I'm wrapped so wholly in him.

Unsure of what is real and what isn't.

I can look over to that rocking chair,

And I know that she's real.

And so he cannot be.

* * *

"Edward?"

Carlisle's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

I nodded in his direction, confirming that I'd heard him.

"Are you ready for this?"

"Not in the least," I explained, swiping at my brow as though it will do something to alleviate the debilitating sense of dread that was blanketing every living thing in our house.

"I know, son. But it's time. We can't do this any longer. The wolves are no longer agreeable and we cannot afford to sever our already tenuous relationship with them. And despite the difficulty of all of this, and Bella's precarious state, she still has a right to know."

I knew he was right, but it did nothing to change the dread I felt.

"Jasper, do they at least agree with our decision?"

Jasper stirred in the corner, pushing off the wall to join Carlisle and me at the table. His face was stoic and unreadable, but his thoughts were another matter altogether. Scrambled and anxious, filled with a vacant effort to conceal the darkness inside of him.

He looked emptier than ever, his eyes conveying a harrowing reminder of the darkness that still lives inside him. The darkness that spending several days with a psychopathic monster had apparently clawed back to the surface of his consciousness.

"They've agreed to allow us to take care of it. As long as it's done exactly as Carlisle has promised. They're concerned with ensuring this is done as humanly as possible."

"Good," Carlisle nodded, but his eyes betrayed the confidence in his words. I could see that he wars with this decision, with the necessity of it and with the consequences it will inevitably bring forth.

Jasper, Rosalie and I are the only ones completely unfettered by the task at hand. We are relieved. We are excited by the prospect of fulfilling some small sliver of our fantasies of revenge. Watching the life leave his body will bring me immeasurable, albeit short-lived, satisfaction.

"We're in agreement then? We'll do this in the most… _humane_ way possible." Carlisle's voice quivered lightly against the words, betraying his efforts to appear composed and at ease.

"Not my style, but I guess you already know how I'd like to handle this," Rosalie remarked, leaning against the wall opposite the table, Emmett at her side.

"No, Rosalie, it's not. Taking a life… it's not something I particularly enjoy. Levelling this kind of punishment isn't a small matter to consider. And this is the most reasonable way to do this."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Carlisle," Rosalie quipped, an expertly sculpted eyebrow arching in his direction as she speaks.

"And what will you tell Bella?" Alice wondered aloud, her hands tangled around Jasper's forearms.

I tensed, the question reminding me of Bella's current state, the anxiety of considering what this might do to her resurfacing in my mind.

Before I can consider an answer, Carlisle speaks.

"We'll tell her the truth."

Despite the dread I feel hearing his words, I realize he's right.

* * *

A soft knock on the door and my body flies into panic.

Hands, gripping, tugging, pulling.

Wrenching their way through me.

Ripping me from myself.

I steel myself against it.

I force my eyes open and find the door. Holding there.

Who is it?

It opens.

…

It's Esme.

My relief is palpable, but my body can make no sudden movements.

I am too tired.

Each limb is the weight of a boulder.

"Bella?"

I can hear her voice.

It sounds heavenly.

I say nothing in reply.

She walks towards me, bypassing the rocking chair.

The room is dark, but lightning as the sun creeps over the horizon, painting the walls with its warm light.

She is at my bedside.

My body is on fire.

I want relief.

I think of the cliff.

The waves crashing over jagged rocks.

I think of jumping, my body hitting the water, crashing against it painfully, as though I'd just hit a bed of rock.

The waves are like that.

Fickle.

They come and go.

They rage and roar.

And then they quiet down.

They still.

No longer treacherous, but a solid sheet of placid water.

Burgeoning with life and promise.

Sustaining all the life that lives inside of it.

Alive.

I envy the water.

"Bella?"

I think she's been talking for a long time.

I was lost in thought for a few minutes, I realize.

"Bella?"

This isn't Esme now.

"I'm sorry, to bother you in your space. I know you'd rather be alone, but I'm afraid this can't wait."

Carlisle's voice.

I stiffen.

Like a board.

Like a pane of glass.

Hard, but painfully fragile.

Ready to shatter.

"It has to be today. They're no longer willing to wait."

"I'm sorry, Bella."

Edward.

I can hear shuffling around me, feet against the wooden planks of the floor.

I open my eyes.

I find the window.

The sun is pouring through the windows now, filling the space with it's glorious light.

It's illuminating everything around me.

My eyes see diamonds.

Millions of tiny diamonds, splintered against the skin of these magical creatures, prisms that capture the light and throw it back out in every colour imaginable.

It's breathtaking.

It stuns me.

It keeps me here.

It is holding me in place.

I am grateful.

I watch the sunlight dance against their porcelain skin, I travel the same path as the light, finding where it's resting.

It touches everything in sight.

It changes everything it touches.

I lift my hand in front of my face and realize that it's touching me, too.

The reflection of this magnificence is dancing along the dull flesh stretched across my hand.

It has changed me, too.

"What did you say?"

My voice is raspy and low.

It's unfamiliar.

I know they've heard me, though, because they're all staring at me.

"Bella."

Esme sighs loudly.

It's relief in her voice.

"It's Paul. We can't keep going this way."

His name, igniting every morsel of suffering my body is holding, like a match thrown to kindling doused in fuel.

As quickly as I came to, I am gone again.

I am back on the cliff.

I am jumping off it.

I am being pulled down, beneath the waves.

I claw against it.

"Carlisle will do it today, Bella."

Do what?

Someone tell me.

Someone help me.

"…as humanely as possible."

What?

Say it again.

Please.

Say it again.

I don't understand.

I try to bring myself back.

I take a mental tally of what I can hear, see and feel.

I am laying down, wrapped in blankets, hands tucked away.

I feel something shift.

Something change.

The blankets are moving down my body.

I look down at my hands.

They're folded across my chest.

They feel different because sitting on top of my folded hands is a small, pale hand. Slender fingers and neatly manicured nails.

I look up.

It's Esme.

I am flooded.

Overflowing.

Emotion is pouring out of me.

I don't understand the emotion.

But I can feel it.

Physically.

My body is shaking.

My breathing is rapid.

My face is red and hot.

And wet.

From my tears.

I am pulled up, into a sitting position.

I can smell cedar and lavender.

Someone is holding me.

It smells like Esme.

I bury my face in soft, wavy hair.

Brown and thick.

Esme's hair.

She is holding me.

To my surprise, I realize I am holding her too.

I sigh, internally chanting my reminders.

The things that keep me here, when I am at threat of disappearing:

I am no longer his captive.

I am no longer treading water, barely staying afloat.

I am no longer enslaved to the water, no longer trapped in it's icy depths.

I am here.

In this room.

In this moment.

In Esme's arms.

* * *

 **EPOV**

"You were right," I whispered, bristling against the words as I spoke them.

"Yes," Carlisle agreed, pushing several instruments into his leather briefcase. I was grateful to find no righteousness in his tone.

"I'm sorry I doubted you."

"No apologies necessary. I understand your reluctance and your concern. We were all trying to do the best we could in a very challenging set of circumstances."

"Yes, but had I pushed her, as I wanted to, it would've made things worse."

"Maybe. I believe she needed that time, to feel everything she'd been avoiding. But I'm also able to recognize that there was a cost."

Carlisle's thoughts shifted to the image of Bella's body from minutes ago, arms wrapped around Esme, paper thin and frighteningly frail.

We'd been at odds a few days ago. I questioned his judgment and his expertise. I insisted that we force compliance on Bella. She was barely eating or drinking, and every visit with Esme gave me a window into the changes her body was undergoing as a result.

She was in the middle stages of starvation, and I worried that organ damage wouldn't be far behind. I believed her physical health now needed to take precedence over her mental health because if she starved herself to death there would be nothing left of her anyway. What good was it to preserve the needs of her mind if her body was no longer capable of supporting that mind?

Carlisle disagreed. He'd read papers in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine that talked about deep dissociation as being one of the first steps of healing. The survivor would travel deeply inside of themselves, unable to avoid their trauma, forced to confront it for the very first time. Carlisle believed this was where Bella was at – deep inside of herself and confronting, for the very first time, all that she'd suffered.

He worried that forcing medical interventions upon her would break through that and throttle her into a state of distrust and crisis.

I'd pushed on though and even went so far as to gather the supplies, threatening to start the process myself. I was outside her door, feeding tube and IV supplies in hand when Jasper and Emmett restrained me, dragging me away from my bedroom door, where Bella's corpse-like body was lying in wait.

It was my own state of hysteria. Perhaps I was beginning to process all of this, too. It was very unlike me to question Carlisle's judgment, especially when it was sound and rooted in reason and fact. I had a clear window into his mind, and I knew it to be the most honest and logical encapsulation of living consciousness. I'd never had cause to question him before now, but with everything sane turned on its head, my own ability to think rationally was wavering.

"I think we have all we need," Carlisle remarked, closing his briefcase, meeting Jasper at the top of the stairs.

The task at hand was something we all wanted to be present for. But protecting Bella needed to remain a priority, and so it would only be Jasper, Carlisle and me that were in attendance. The rest would stay behind to protect Bella.

We convene in silence, prepared to leave and stocked with all the supplies needed for an execution, but before we can reach the door, the sound of Alice's voice stops us in our tracks.

"Edward, Carlisle – come!"

Soft, tiny shuffles against the wooden panels of the floor echo through the house.

Bella.

I listen attentively.

"Bella, what're you doing? This isn't a good idea. I can _see_ what you're planning, you know."

Alice speaks slowly and softly, the way one would speak to a small child that is easily frightened.

We race up the stairs to the bedroom where Bella is pulling a large, black hoodie over her head.

"Bella?" I call out, desperate to hear her voice again.

She stops, her eyes lifting and finding mine.

There she is. As though she'd never gone. As though I'd never broken her, left her, betrayed her. As though he'd never harmed her, shattering her.

In her eyes, I can see it.

I can see her again.

* * *

"Either I come with you, or I make my own way there," I explained, wrapping my hands around my arms as I try to shake away the chill that was crawling along my spine.

"Bella, this won't be easy… Paul will be there. We won't be able to prevent him from saying whatever he wants and so he'll use this opportunity to harm you in any way he can. And while he absolutely won't be able to harm you physically, verbally he will try."

I scoffed.

His words are not harmful.

Not anymore.

He lives in my flesh, in my bones.

He is apart of me.

I need to see this.

I want to see this.

Months ago, my determination to see this would have disturbed me.

Today, it thrills me.

It's a ceremony, I decide.

A celebration of death.

Because it will free me, in some way.

Maybe my body can rest again.

If he's gone.

If I'm not waiting for him to hurt me, or the people I love.

Maybe.

"Bella? Are you hearing us?"

I nod.

Even though I have no idea what they've said.

I can guess.

They're predictable.

"I can do this. I'm strong enough… I want to do this."

I can hear squabbling. Quiet, clipped arguing.

Someone is on my side.

Someone agrees with me.

I can feel myself fading away again.

I should speak now, or it'll never happen.

"It's my right," I say softly because every cell in my body is tired.

They stop.

The room is quiet.

Some moments pass in near silence.

Their chatter is softer, more hushed.

I can't make out the words, only faint whispers echoing through the room.

"Ok," they concede.

"You have to tell us if it gets too much. We'll leave if it becomes too overwhelming."

I nod.

I look around the room, fighting the blurring, fighting the feeling of his hands on my chest, on my neck, on my thighs.

 _He isn't here,_ I remind myself because my head forgets sometimes.

When my head forgets it hurts the most because it feels real.

I push against it, fighting harder than before.

I can do this.

I must.

* * *

I don't know how it unfolded this way, but it did. Bella was sitting in the backseat of Carlisle's Mercedes, head resting against the window, eyes closed, breathing slow and steady.

I sat in the passenger's seat, listening to Carlisle run through the procedure in his mind, debating the small details with himself. He's bent on ensuring that this is done as humanely as possible. He has never done this before, though he's read about it extensively in medical texts. He feels ready, he understands the procedure, the steps, the possible complications. But he is torn.

His mind briefly cycles through images of Bella, recalling why this is necessary. Recalling why we're left with no other options.

 _Paul did this, and there is no other way to ensure Bella's safety or the safety of others. This is our only viable option._

"I can do it," I explain, my voice the softest whisper, afraid that Bella might hear our conversation.

Carlisle's shoulders tense, his back lengthens and straightens. He looks at me, his eyes weary and tired.

"I can, Carlisle. I've watched you replay this in your mind a thousand times already. I understand the steps, I understand the procedure as intimately as you do by now, and I've taken the time to read the literature."

"And you're not conflicted?" Carlisle's voice was hard and unnervingly hollow.

"Not in the least."

He nods and his eyes shifted from mine, finding the road again.

"And that's why I have do this myself, Edward."

"Because I'm not worried about the death of Paul? This is more humane than the torture he's been put through for the past week. And it's infinitely more humane than what he forced Bella to endure."

"You're right. This is more humane, and torturing him was not, but we were left with very few choices. And I understand that this is yet another choice with no other possible outcomes. But it doesn't change that I'm about to take a life away… I'm about to extinguish someone's existence. That isn't my right, nor is it my job. I'm conflicted not because I feel empathy towards him, but because I fear the consequences. I've devoted my entire life to preserving the human life, and now I'll be responsible for taking it away. The very thing I've fought against my entire life is the very thing I'll be participating in today."

I pause, contemplating his words, soaking them in. Carlisle is a better man, vampire, creature – whatever – than anyone else I've ever come across. He can see the perspective of everyone and everything in ways that are unparalleled. What must it be like to see the world in such a complicated array of emotions and thoughts?

Bella holds this quality, too. It's a remarkable and rare thing. It's what makes them so special.

I glance in the rear-view mirror noting that Bella has pulled the hood of her sweater clear over her head, her face covered by the thick cotton fabric now. Her hands are pushed inside the pockets and her head is still resting against the window.

She's bundled tightly, wrapped in several layers of clothing. She's cold, I realize. Even in the middle of June, Bella is cold. She has no insulation left to guard her against even the slightest chill in the wind. It's cooler than usual today, the sun hiding behind the clouds and failing to warm up the moist June air.

She hasn't said anything since she got into the car. The argument started and ended quickly, with Bella speaking for the second time in days to assert her right to join us. The thought of her standing face to face with Paul again, even under these circumstances, does nothing to help quiet the animal stirring inside of me.

This is all wrong because it's exactly what Paul wants. One more opportunity to get to Bella. He'll say or do anything within his power to haunt her one last time. It'll be the perfect parting gift for him. The perfect way to go.

I know because I've seen his mind. I've been inside of it.

I know how he thinks.

I know that he's obsessed with Bella. And his obsession extended well past his arrangement with Victoria. She merely presented him with the perfect opportunity and circumstances to do what he'd long dreamed of doing. We all knew it was a bad idea, but we all agreed, long ago, that removing Bella's agency would be detrimental to her well-being. It would complicate the tenuous trust she'd grown to place in each of us.

Forcing her into, or out of, anything would only serve as a reminder of every moment he forced himself on her. It would devastate me to think that she held him and I in the same place in her heart and mind.

Carlisle's thoughts were whirring around his head, moving at warp speed from one second to the next. It was distracting and so I turned my eyes away from Bella and instead fixated them on him. Where was he going with this?

"Bella?"

She stirred slightly in the backseat but maintained the same position.

"I understand the desire to witness this. But we need to know that if it becomes too much, you'll let us know. You'll allow us to help you. He will be restrained… and so he won't be able to physically harm you. But, in the past, he's used Edward's ability to torment you. I believe he'll do it again. Are you prepared for that possibility?

She didn't skip a beat.

Bella nodded once.

The conversation is over.

* * *

The car had stopped.

The sound of dirt and pebbles bouncing off rubber and metal has quieted.

With the hood pulled over my eyes I can't see where we are, or the route we've taken to get here.

But I know we're at the Reservation.

On the Quileute land.

I smile, thinking of the effort it must have taken to work out terms in the treaty – to place a pause on this decades-old feud long enough to deal with this.

To deal with _him_.

I listen to the sound of the car door opening and closing. I can briefly hear the rustle of leaves, the wind whirring past the car door.

I lift my head, push back the hood and look outside.

In the literal blink of an eye, Edward is at my door. He opens it, extends his hand toward me and waits.

I cringe.

Not at the thought of our hands touching, but because what was once something he did without permission or reservation, is now something he calculates before attempting.

Even the slightest touch, if not properly executed and considered, could unreasonably send me into a tailspin of chaos.

I place my hand in his, and my entire body reacts to the sensation.

I am filled with relief. With joy. With sorrow.

I exhale.

I sigh.

I feel the same contentment, the same opening feeling, that the earth feels when Spring has finally arrived after a long and hard winter.

The way the frozen ground slowly softens, giving way to the water that drenches it during the reawakening of Spring.

These feelings are conflicting.

In my body, there is a place where relief and anguish both reside.

This is the part of me that is reawakening.

Like Spring has finally come.

Like the frost that has gripped me is finally fading.

I want to breathe. I want to greedily inhale every drop of this feeling.

I want to hold onto it and package it up so that I'll never be without it.

It's the simplest thing, yet the most profound.

My hand in his.

* * *

It's curious to me, that this person could have drawn such an audience. The small home of Sam Uley is packed, nearly to the brim, with people – young and old alike. Human and inhuman. Vampire and wolf. Everyone that knows of our existence and their existence and lives in the town of Forks is present. At least two dozen people in total. If the occasion weren't so inherently grim, it would almost be poetic. The perfect picture of coexistence and tolerance right here in this room.

I suppose despite the occasion it's still poetic. We'd all gathered here for one reason – the same reason. United under the banner of protection and justice.

This moment, this day, will bring me relief. Immeasurable relief. Although Victoria will remain a threat, Paul will not. And that's something.

The thoughts in the room ranged from depressed, to anxious, to remorseful, to celebratory.

The most menacing minds in the room come belonged the wolves who had spent extended periods of time with Paul, listening to his verbalization of every horrendous thing he'd ever done to Bella. I scan their thoughts and stop myself almost immediately. The detail they knew surpassed my own knowledge. I wondered if some of it had been embellished by Paul, I wonder if he'd added events and details to try and goad them, to try and shock them enough to spur them into premature action.

I hope. I hope these new events aren't shreds of new truth he's dumped into the equation.

 _Bella. Bella!_

The panicked thoughts stunned me for a moment, as I tried to determine where they're coming from – who they belonged to. My gift is usually more apt, more useful at determining who has said what reflexively, without active thought or effort. Today, however, was different. The thoughts in the room are overwhelming, and I attempt to evade some of them, making all of it a bit more hazy than usual.

I scanned the room, my eyes finding faces, trying to find which thoughts seem consumed with Bella.

It can't be Paul, he's in another room, experiencing intense sensory deprivation until we're ready to start the show.

A few more seconds and scanning and then I realized who the thoughts belong to.

Jacob.

He's glued to the wall across from me, his eyes locked on mine. There is something there, brewing inside of him, bubbling out of every pore. His agony is spilling over.

He knows, I realized.

The last time we saw Jacob he hadn't spent any extended period with Paul. He didn't know. Bella clung to that – it gave her the reprieve she needed, allowed her time and space away from the reality of everything else. I cringed knowing that it was so swiftly taken from her.

I could tell that Jacob knew the intimate details. His face, generally quite pleasant and youthful had transformed into something unrecognizable. The weight of this was wearing on every cell in his body. Imprinted into his consciousness.

It's strange, what love does to people. I understand and empathize with Jacob, because I know well how this can destroy a person, shattering everything sacred and innocent. Changing the world. Changing everything. How do you hold these thoughts in your mind, and hold her in your mind? How do you continue to exist knowing the magnitude of the trauma she endured? Knowing that you did nothing to stop it, knowing that you hold some accountability.

Accountability, in this situation, is a bitter pill to swallow for all of us. Myself especially.

I left her. Alone. With no protection, foolishly misguided into thinking my absence would protect her. Instead, it led her right into the hands of a person who would almost destroy her.

Next to Paul, I held the most accountability.

But Jacob watched. He lived with her day to day, watched her transformation, watched the weight fall from her body until she was next to nothing, watched the light leave her eyes, watched her wither away, a fragmented version of her former self… and he didn't know any different.

He had no clue.

He could have prevented it, he could have stopped it. Had he been more attuned, less self-absorbed and distracted by his own infatuation with Bella, he might have been able to stop it before it steamrolled her into nothingness.

Jacob's eyes were fixed onto mine, his mind conveyed all his questions and thoughts, intended for me directly.

 _Where is she?_

 _Is she ok?_

 _Can I see her?_

 _Is she ok?_

 _Will she be ok?_

 _Is this enough?_

 _Doesn't he deserve more?_

I wish I had answers to all his questions, but I could give him the satisfaction of answering one. Moving toward the door at an inhuman speed, I pulled it open to reveal Bella, standing beneath the dim yellow light of Sam's front stoop, arms wrapped around her body tightly, as though this was what she needed to do to hold herself together. Carlisle stood at her side, a briefcase of supplies resting on his arm. I'd gone in first, before Carlisle and Bella, to make sure that preparations had been made. She didn't need to walk into a room to be ambushed by Paul's presence. Gratefully, it appeared this convention had already been considered. He was locked away in another room, tied to a chair, blindfolded and mouth duct taped closed.

Bella's long, slow exhale drew me back to her, where I could see her struggling to pull courage through herself, trying to find enough of it to face this moment.

The room quieted, all thoughts transforming, their focus shifting to Bella. I pushed them away, intent on ignoring them, counting them as less important – mere distractions. I focused solely on Bella, my consciousness focused on trying to read her body language and determine her ability to cope.

This moment gave us all pause. We were here because of Paul – more specifically, because of what he did to Bella. I'm acutely aware of how painful it must be for her, to be stuck in a room with sympathetic onlookers, each knowing far more than they should about what she's been through.

The wolves, it appeared, knew far more than anyone ever should. Possibly more than Carlisle knew. Paul spared no details in his venomous ravings, providing clear and apt descriptions of every horrible thing he forced upon her.

All bets are off now. I can't contain myself. I can't control myself as I once had. I must be near her – I must be touching her. I can't watch this train wreck happen without having my arms around her, offering her some protection from the harshness of this moment.

I moved to her side, my hand sliding around her waist, settling against the prominent indentation of her hip bones.

She doesn't recoil.

She sighs.

Her body slackened, falling into mine – falling against mine.

She allowed her thick swathe of brown hair to fall away from her face, acting as a shield against the curious eyes that had glued themselves to her. I wanted to offer her more protection, to shield her entirely from these curious eyes but before I can adjust my position, Carlisle moves to her side, his body close, but not touching, guarding her from all angles now.

We move through the room at a casual pace, trying to follow Bella's lead. She settles on a spot near the kitchen where Emily is standing, preparing tea and arranging a small tray of snacks.

Emily looks up and cringes when she finally gets a good glimpse of Bella. Bella noticed, but pretended not to, pulling a chair from the kitchen table as she gently set herself down onto it. She moves in a way that keenly illustrates how fragile she really is. Each movement is careful and calculated, as though she can afford nothing less. And she can't. Even the simplest of falls right now would undoubtedly result in a serious fracture, or worse.

The room is still almost silent, with a few hushed conversations carrying on in various corners. Thoughts are louder now, everyone curious to know when it will start – what we will do. How this will work.

Despite lacking the ability to hear thoughts, Carlisle is already aware of this. He understands the dynamics of the room perfectly and is planning to offer a detailed explanation to Paul and the audience that has gathered.

I ignore all of it.

And I watch her. She is terrified, I realized. Her hands are folded on top of her lap and shaking despite her efforts to stop them. Her breathing was laboured, her face ashen white, and a small sheen of perspiration coated her forehead. Her heart was thudding against her ribs, a chasm of angst and terror tearing its way through her. Her eyes scanned the room searching for him..

In this moment I am witness to a small fraction of the terror he has made her feel. I crouched down in front of her, continuing with my brazen displays of affection as I cradle her hands in my own.

I lean in, eyes finding hers, and I whispered to her, softly and gently.

"He's in the other room, Bella…"

She said nothing but nodded in understanding. A feather's weight of the tension her body is holding released with this knowledge.

"We'll protect you now. I promise," I pull her hand to my lips and leave a soft kiss against the ivory white skin that stenches across her knuckles.

She remained quiet, but in her eyes, I could sense a pain that building and multiplying, one that she was trying to quarantine from this moment.

A tear escaped her eye, but she brushed it away before it could so much as leave a trail in its wake.

In my distraction, I'd failed to notice Carlisle's thoughts percolating and transforming. He was uneasy, he felt the crowd that had gathered was unnecessary and barbaric. He couldn't tell who in the crowd was here to mourn and who was here to celebrate.

But I can.

And there was virtually no one present that attended in mourning and sadness. The thoughts were solemn, for the most part. Paul's mother isn't here, I realized. From the thoughts around me, I discerned that she was elsewhere, mourning the loss of her son, mourning the darkness that blossomed in him in secrecy. It was for the best, really. How painful must this process be for her?

I shrugged the thoughts off as quickly as they came. I had no room in my mind or heart to extend empathy to anyone that wasn't Bella. Carlisle is braced against the wall, deep in thought, trying to tease out meaning and understanding behind the presence of so many people. His thoughts shifted and I knew then that he wanted to ask my opinion, but he didn't want to interfere with my efforts to support Bella.

"I'm just going to speak with Carlisle, only a few feet away and then I'll be right back, ok?"

Bella nods, the movement barely noticeable. Like a starving animal, she reserves her energy for only the most essential things. Movement and conversation, in her mind, don't appear to be essential right now.

I can hear Emily's mind whirring, determination setting in as she decides she wants to talk to Bella.

Her thoughts are gentle and tender, and I feel like my intervention is unnecessary. I left Bella to Emily, making my way over to Carlisle to hopefully ease some of his worries.

"What do you think?"

He knows that I'm aware of this thought process and he was attempting to keep the conversation as minimal as possible, trying to conceal the theme of our conversation from the present company.

"I agree. Though some of your fears are unfounded. It isn't what you worried it would be."

Carlisle nodded in understanding.

 _It still feels inappropriate, to have such an audience._

"I agree," I said, leaning against the wall, my body parallel to his own.

 _For Bella's sake more than anything. But for ours as well. The only reason they've agreed to this concession is that Sam forced the elders into submission. The wolves that spent time with Paul during the interrogation know how far beyond rehabilitation he truly is. They were left with no other choices and only one qualified person to carry out the procedure while ensuring as little suffering as possible. But I can't help but think about the long-term consequences this will have._

"I don't think you have to worry about that," I explained, my eyes fixed on Bella's frame, hunched over as Emily spoke to her softly and gently, offering her food and refreshments with very little in the way of reply.

Carlisle's eyes followed mine, resting on Bella as understanding dawned on him.

 _They empathize more with her than they do with him?_

I nodded, confirming his theory, grateful that he can understand my nonverbal communication as well as he does. It afforded us privacy in the essential moments.

Sam finds us before the conversation can continue further, his face severe and worn. He has aged considerably in a matter of days, and his thoughts are littered with a complicated array of conflicting thoughts and feelings.

"We'll have a ceremony after the… procedure… is done. Bella is welcome to stay, but your kind is not."

"Of course," Carlisle replies, his eyes shifting to a darker shade of yellow, the prospect of the events to come beginning to weigh heavily on him.

"Almost everyone will leave while it happens, except for the pack and the elders."

"I believe that's wise." The relief in Carlisle's voice is palpable.

"And when it's over, we'll take care of the body," Sam explains. My eyes catch him and he can tell that I disapproved of this contingency. I had plans for his body, and none of them included a respectful or decent burial. Sam easily transitioned into the next topic of conversation, glancing over at Emily and Bella sitting side by side at his kitchen table.

"How is she doing?"

"She's alive," I muttered, having no other words to describe Bella's current condition.

"You'll let us know if she needs anything? If there's anything we can do to help?"

I looked toward Sam, hearing in his thoughts the same sense of responsibility I'd been carrying since this started. He felt responsible for not understanding the depth of Paul's darkness. He'd been witness to bits and pieces of it throughout the years, but always attributed it to his being a troubled youth, troubled teen and then a bitter involuntary member of the pack.

A small part of me wanted to offer him comfort, wanted to tell him I didn't blame him.

But I can't.

Because I do.

I blamed myself. I blamed Jacob. I blamed Sam.

For now, watching the life drain from Paul will have to be enough.

* * *

Sam chased away the unnecessary witnesses with ease. A few assertively barked commands and the small home was cleared of anyone that wasn't essential. It left the tiny home feeling even smaller, if possible, the space more clearly defined now that it wasn't crowded out by anxious bodies.

Carlisle went inside the room with Jasper a few moments ahead of the rest, Sam reluctantly joining them. They prepared while the rest of us waited.

I know that soon Bella will be face to face with him again. And when they remove his blindfold and the rag covering his mouth he will be able to say anything he wants. This was a request from the Quileute's. They believed it inhumane to have him die while unable to see or speak. They weren't counting on Bella's participation in the events of today. Nobody seemed disturbed by her appearance, but they didn't appear pleased, either.

"Are you ready for this?" I asked her, my hand outstretched to hers.

She nodded, placing her hand in mine, standing to her feet at the slowest possible pace.

Emily watches as I hold onto Bella's waist, steadying her against my body.

She wonders why Bella is here. She worries that she's dying, but she doesn't know how to ask. Her worry isn't misplaced. I share the same fear. Seeing Bella out and moving, it's apparent to me how unwell she really is.

She leans on me the entire way there, bracing against my chest as I help walk her toward the room. It's curious to me that Sam chose his and Emily's room. Though I suppose with such a small home he had few other options. Certainly, the room they intended for their future child wouldn't be suitable at all. They hadn't wanted to keep him in the dim, filthy shed. It seemed unfit, too impersonal and disconcerting for what was about to unfold.

I adjust my grip on Bella as I feel the beginnings of her faltering. Her legs are starting to shake, and her  
body rumbling with the effort it was exerting to keep her upright. I'm unsure that she'll even make it to the room without collapsing in a heap on the floor.

My instinct is to lift her up and to cradle her against my chest as I once would have without thought. But I'm more careful now, recognizing how easily such a gesture might alarm her.

"Bella? Can I carry you the rest of the way?"

I can feel her tense against the suggestion, but her body slumps forward in defeat. She doesn't want this, I know, but she's left with no other choice. I scoop her into my arms, her head falling against my chest as her arms wrap around her waist. She's still shaking, fear a likely contributor.

We stand together outside the door. I can hear Carlisle pulling supplies from his medical bag, pulling syringes out of their sterile wrappings, flipping the lid off a vial of medicine – the pentobarbital that he'll inject into Paul's system to sedate him before he injects him with a cocktail that will effectively paralyze him and induce respiratory arrest, and then the final injection: potassium chloride to stop his heart.

Carlisle moved quickly, arranging the supplies in the corner, reviewing the procedure in his head for the thousandth time.

I knocked once, awaiting confirmation that it was ok for us to enter.

The door opened, revealing Jacob, pain seared into his soft, boyish features. He doesn't take his eyes off Bella, his stomach churning at the sight of her sickly body. He worries too about her health, wonders concernedly if she's dying. He wonders if we've left something out if we're keeping information from him. He thinks about confronting me, but decides against it at the last second, common sense reminding him that now is not the time.

He stands aside, pointing toward a chair in the corner of the room. Quil and Embry are standing on either side of it, protective looks on their faces. They too looked worn. I listened, taking mental note of Bella's vitals. Normal respirations, a slow, but regular heart rate – she was the beacon in the room.

I helped her out of my arms and into the chair. Her eyes scanned her surroundings until she saw him. Her face paled and her eyes widened.

His eyes were covered by an old rag, as was his mouth. His hands were fastened with steel chains to the chair he was sitting on. His hair, cropped short and close to his scalp, was glistening in the pale light of the room, a thin sheen of sweat coating his coppery skin. He looked like a captive of war, torn apart and crudely pieced back together again. His once brutal presence was minimized to a mere whisper, the threat of his body all but extinguished. I recognized, however, that despite this, Bella was still afraid. Her limbs were vibrating at a low frequency in the chair, arms pulled around her, struggling to hold her fractured existence together.

Carlisle stood, clearing his voice and effectively halting the soft murmur of conversation buzzing through the small room. He stood in the middle of the room, arms folded and face severe. The imprint of what was likely a bed previously situated exactly where he was standing illustrates the extent of the transformation this room underwent to accommodate this tragic moment.

All eyes were on him and he remained uneasy with this reality.

"Thank you for offering me your attention, and for trusting me to facilitate this process. I wanted to explain to everyone present, and Paul himself, what is about to happen. I trust he's been adequately prepared prior to this moment for this eventuality?" He spoke directly to Sam, who nodded in acknowledgment.

"Very well…"

Carlisle spoke for a few minutes, briefly describing the process and explaining which medications would be used and what effect they would have on the body.

Paul offered no response despite being able to hear. His thoughts were a dull current, barely present enough to register. The sensory deprivation had dulled his consciousness, his thoughts dulling in the process.

"Are you ready?" Carlisle questioned, his eyes fixed on Bella.

Bella nodded, her knees lifting against her chest, her head resting against them.

Sam moved in slow motion, clearly dreading the potential consequences of removing Paul's blindfold and mouth covering and as he did the pack descended on Paul, surrounding him, offering a protective covering meant to shelter Bella. They moved like a well-prepared, well-oiled machine, clearly having been coached in advance. Their reaction reflected their thought process, that they believed he still possessed the potential to harm Bella. And though physically he was no longer a concern, his potential to cause harm still remained.

He stirred slowly as the blindfold was pulled away from his eyes, squinting up towards the dim light shining down on his face. He was having difficulty adjusting to the light. When the rag was pulled away from his mouth, he moved his jaw, trying to work out the stiffness in his jaw.

It took seconds for the atmosphere in the room to shift tangibly.

I heard his thoughts a nanosecond before he spoke them, my uptake too slow to react appropriately – to protect Bella from his verbal assault.

"Mmm. I can smell you, sweetheart," his voice was a weakened version of its former magnitude, warbling out of his broken body in fragments. Seconds too late I moved to stand in front of him, a single hand wrapped around his neck, squeezing him hard enough to prevent him from speaking.

He jerked against the chains holding him in place with very little effect, his body too weak to produce the desired effect.

I'd expected some resistance from the pack, from anyone, but nobody moved. Everyone held their respective positions, unflinching in the face of my hand firmly wrapped around Paul's neck. I assessed the amount of pressure I was applying, aware that if I applied minimally more pressure I could snap his neck. The thought was tempting and I could tell from the thoughts whirring around the room that very few of the present company would object.

The scene unfolded far too quickly for Bella to register immediately. I was sure she could see it by now, but she sat, as still as ever, in her seat in the corner. Quil and Embry kept their eyes on her, trying to figure out what they should do, their internal conflict a dull whisper in the background as I focused on her.

She didn't move. She barely flinched. Her eyes were glassy as she gawked wide-eyed in Paul's direction. Her brown eyes reflected nothing but rage.

A deep, profound rage was building behind her eyes, in every angle of her jarringly frail body.

In her slender fingers as they slowly curled around the arms of the chair, in her spine as it lengthened and in her heart as it pounded forcefully against her ribcage. She was breathless with the intensity of it, no longer trying to deny the steadily building feeling. Her face, once ashen gray and empty was filled with evidence of the anger burning its way through her.

As I stood with my fingers wrapped around the vermin's neck, every thought of vengeance I'd ever harboured being actualized in this moment, the satisfaction of his fiery skin burning into my ice-cold flesh exciting every dark and dormant part of my nature, Bella did something entirely unexpected.

She stood to her feet, slowly, her knees wobbling from pure exhaustion, and she screamed.

A bloodcurdling, heart wrenching, shriek tore from her tiny, unassuming body, echoing around the small room, catching every member in attendance by total surprise.

The sound carried on for what felt like an unnaturally long time. She stood there, fingers curled against her palms, face a concerning shade of red, her eyes wide and shimmering with anger and frustration… she was transformed. Something and someone entirely different.

In one moment her body shook with the force of her scream. And in the next moment, it didn't. The sounded halted so abruptly that it was alarming. Unnatural.

I watched in shock as her body started to cave in on itself. Her knees buckled, her arms fell limply to her side but, mercifully, before her head could hit the ground Jasper's hands had found their place against her, holding her inches above the wooden planks of the floor.

"Bella?" He shouted, shaking her with the smallest amount of force he could exert.

She didn't stir.

"She's ok, Jasper," Carlisle explained, his voice an even enough tempo that I believed him.

My position shifted when I felt a hand rest on top of my own. I looked up to see Carlisle standing beside me, his eyes forlorn, his mind conveying everything he refused to verbalize.

 _I've got this… I promise._

At his words, I realized that this role was never mine to claim. Ending Paul was not my duty, nor was it an intelligent use of my resources. Bella should have been my only concern in this moment, but instead of reacting to her need for me, I chose to remain in the position of avenger – though this was never mine to hold.

When I released my hand from around his neck, Paul gasped and choked against his own attempts to catch his breath. He sputtered and panted, oxygen deprivation leaving him desperate and frightened. The life that we'd torn from him had burgeoned inside of him once again as he contemplated his potential end.

"Fucking… leech," he gasped out between frenzied his moments of hyperventilation.

"I'd recommend you keep your mouth shut if you want this to happen the way it's meant to," the words sounded wrong coming from Carlisle, but I'd come to expect the unexpected in the recent weeks.

"You think I care how this goes down?" Paul panted, his body heaving with its efforts to right itself.

"You should," Jacob quipped, his unusually silent presence coming to life from his corner of the room. He stepped into Paul's view, his palms curling into fists as he spoke.

"If it were up to me," he started, speaking slowly, punctuating each word with his fist smacking against his palm, "I'd end you slowly. I'd drag it out. I'd let you suffer a thousand times over. A thousand times worse than what you did to her."

Paul laughed, a clipped and strained sound replacing his usual gravelly voice.

"You don't scare me," he taunted, sitting more upright, his chains rattling against the steel arms of his chair, "I know how to get to you, too, Jake. I know how to rattle you, and I know how to rattle him," he nodded in my direction before continuing, "I know where all your weaknesses are. And I promise you that long after I'm gone, you'll still be trying to cleanse yourselves of the image of me _fucking_ her."

When Jacob lunged at Paul I was prepared and primed for reaction. I flew in Jacob's direction, interceding before he could land his fists where he'd meant to. My hands slapped down onto his shoulders, holding him in place as he struggled against me.

"Not like this," I growled, "he has what's coming to him, but not like this."

Jacob struggled against me, his body rumbling with the change that was threatening to claim him.

"Jacob!" Sam barked, the alpha command evident in his voice.

"Why are we protecting him? Why do we care about treating him humanely? He doesn't deserve it!" Jacob's tortured voice pierced through the room and the heads of every member of the pack bowed in acknowledgment. They all agreed but understood the reasons where Jacob struggled to.

"This isn't our job – our job was to protect her, and we couldn't… we didn't. But this isn't how we do this. This makes us no better than he is. He has what's coming to him, but we will retain our humanity despite all of this. We have to."

"That's cute," Paul laughed, "but you know he's wrong, Jake. You know you want to crush me for what I did to her. I know it kills you, that I got a piece of her before you did. You wanted it all along – you dreamt about it. You dreamt about fucking her and I got a piece of her before you could… before either of you could. Maybe you're both a bit sour because she was mine before she was yours…"

I released my hold on Jacob and turned to face Paul.

"In a matter of minutes, you'll be nothing. And despite what you did, she'll continue to live. And while you rot into the earth, she'll be alive and well, building a life, healing, living."

Paul opened his mouth to speak but Sam had reached his threshold. He pulled the cloth back over his mouth and stood next to him, non-verbally taking responsibility for keeping him in line.

"Let's get a move on," he ordered in Carlisle's direction.

"Edward," Carlisle whispered, his head nodding in the direction of Bella who was now resting against Jasper's chest. I didn't hesitate to return to her, to take my rightful position.

I felt peace when she was in my arms again, holding her, her slight weight a familiar beacon for me. I inhaled her scent, savouring the flames of thirst that scorched my throat, reaffirming over and over that she was still alive. She was still fighting and this was all the hope I needed.

I stood, holding her in my arms, knowing that her body had caved in because it'd had enough. Knowing that she was ok, here in my arms, in a state of forceful rest, but close to me. I watched, unable to tear my eyes away as Carlisle inserted the needle into Paul's vein, depressing the plunger as the thick opaque-white liquid ran into his veins.

And when the third syringe had been fully emptied into his vein, I sighed in relief, a small smile finding it's way onto my face.

The slow thrum of his heart, fading into nothingness, stuttering out its last final beats, was a rhythm I wouldn't soon forget.


End file.
